Received a strange request in the post

[tmreunion]

I received a letter yesterday in the post to the 'current owner'.

We bought our house 15 years ago from a normal family - mum, dad, teenage daughter and younger son. Been very happy here.

I received a letter which reads -

'Dear current owner,

This is a very odd request and I completely understand and respect if you do not feel comfortable with this and therefore, there is no need to respond if that is the case.

I grew up in, what is now, your home. I experienced a lot of trauma in the home and have been working through this for the last few years. I was wondering if I would be able to come and see the house again, as part of my healing. This was suggested to me by my therapist and I feel it would be beneficial. However, as stated, I understand this is an unusual request and my healing is of no importance to a perfect stranger, so please do not feel pressured to agree to this.

If you were to kindly allow this, I would of course expect to be accompanied round the house and this would take no more than ten minutes.

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter and if you would like to contact me my name is 'name' - 'contact number'. If not, I wish you and your family well.

Best wishes,

Name'

I added the number and it is indeed the teenage daughter who was part of the family we bought the house from. She is now in her 30s. I feel really odd about it and almost distrustful. I also don't like the thought that she experienced trauma in our home, almost like she's trying to taint it.

My husband thinks that although it's odd, she is clearly doing some inner work and why wouldn't we help someone who is in need?

What do you think? WIBU to ignore or should I text and feel it out from there?

I’d be reluctant. If you wanted to proceed I’d want her therapist there with her, because frankly what an intrusive thing for a therapist to suggest, and they should be ready to deal with the fallout because you won’t be equipped to.

I think it’s a really odd suggestion for a therapist to make and I wonder if she has made that part up.

I suffered trauma in a particular house as I lived with a violent alcoholic parent. I don’t think I would want to go back and that makes me wonder if it is genuine. Could the real intention be to unlock a memory of potential trauma? Is it something that she herself thinks might help and there is actually no therapist?

I suppose by trauma, it’s likely to be DV or sexual abuse. If it bothers you and you feel it would ‘taint’ the house then don’t go along with it.

@Weareoutofwine - you took the words right out of my mouth - I was going to post exactly the same. OP - please heed this post.

I would. What she remembers as trauma in adolescence may very well be nothing you have to worry about.

No way would I agree, there could be way more to this. Plus I don't want strangers in my home going around my safe space.
Engineers are bad enough on on rare ocassions.

Also good points.

My instinct as a lay person was 'no'. It's interesting to hear it from a therapist.
Having seen a couple of friends go through therapy and heard bits of what they say and do, I must say I'm quite sceptical of therapy and suspect it encourages people to be self-indulgent rather than have a really truthful look at themselves (although I hasten to add you sound like you have sense and integrity, Books, and I don't mean all therapists and certainly not you!).

I think it’s important to acknowledge that it is not OPs responsibility to facilitate the healing of this woman. Inviting anyone into your personal space is a big deal and shouldn’t be minimised by the ‘be kind’ brigade.

I think you need to consider that what she thinks of as trauma is not necessarily something that you would find upsetting. All kinds of things can profoundly affect us as children, it doesn’t follow that her trauma would be something that spoils your house for you. Dramas play out in people’s houses all the time, it doesn’t mean that your house has been the scene of abuse or anything horrific.
In your position I would let her come, but make it clear that you don’t want to hear about what happened in the house.

I don't understand why you feel she's trying to taint the house for you, my childhood home holds a lot of unhappy memories for me, both as a child and when I lived there as an adult with my now ex and young kids, my mother has moved back in since so I still see it and seeing the rooms different to how they were is nice and helpful for me in letting go of the bad memories, the one room I have bad memories in that hasn't changed is a room I feel uncomfortable in.

I'd suggest that it is you and your new knowledge that 'trauma' happened in the home that is tainting your feelings towards the home rather than her. Almost, as if you feel the house is somehow cursed and it's going to affect your family?

Either way, it's a very respectful letter so it would be nice to allow her, her 10 minutes, maybe your husband could accompany her if you don't feel comfortable doing so? Even if you don't allow her the walk around, it would be nice to send her well wishes on her healing as she did make her request in a very respectful and considerate way.

Op I really hope you ignore the suggestions of meeting up. That is such a bad idea. Especially if you get a 'vibe' and decide to say no. Would be a waste of her and your time and getting her hopes up.

The 'be kind' brigade can fuck off on many subjects.

Well said.

AI don't think I'd be happy having a stranger walking round my house tainting it
Define "tainting" it??

For those who know about these things, would a professional therapist suggest such a thing?

It doesn't seem right to impose a stranger's mental health problems on a completely unrelated family, right in their own home.

She isn't trying to taint your home

She may actually be relieved to see people live in so happily in it now, and it might take away the taint for her

But you don't have to facilitate this of course , merely making the request could have helped her already

It's up to you, whether you feel this would damage your connection to your home or not , but it does not sound like this lady is trying to do anything to YOU at all

I wouldn't get involved in someone else's drama to be honest. Just because some therapist thinks it's a good idea doesn't mean that it is. I'd just ignore.

I dunno, maybe the risk of having someone wailing all over the house because even a therapist can't help them as they are supposed to and is outsourcing that to a total stranger?

The mere fact that you've posted this thread on MN, OP, is enough to determine the answer to your question. You are not comfortable with this. You're therefore entitled to say no.

I was a victim of child abuse. I confess, I have revisited the house in which I underwent this trauma: I parked outside and sat there for a while in quiet contemplation. Same thing with my grandparents' old house a couple of streets down: as a child this was the only place I ever felt safe. But there's a caveat: it would never for one moment have occurred to me to write with a similar request to the owners of these houses. It's my trauma to work through. These are now someone else's homes: a home is a sanctuary, and, even in such a small way as this, my baggage is not theirs to pick up.

I'd also bear in mind that old adage 'no good deed goes unpunished'. Even if there's no scam - and in this day and age my suspicions would always be aroused by any 'unusual' resquest - you may be opening a door that's best left closed. It might not end with the one request, and if there's a conversation of any sort, or this vulnerable person sees you as a de facto therapist merely by virtue of owning that home, it could have future repercussions for you.

Effective therapy isn't dependent on revisiting the site of the trauma. In fact, this could even have the opposite effect to the one intended. I know this having been left with cPTSD from child abuse, and having had very successful therapy to overcome this without issuing any strange or 'unusual' requests to uninvolved parties.

'Let sleeping dogs lie' became a cliche with very good reason. My instincts would also tell me to respond to this note with a kind but firm no.

Why not help

It’s is a weird out of the blue request. I can understand your apprehension, but I don’t agree it will taint your life/home.

Most of us live in older homes, homes have history.

You don’t known what trauma she experienced, it might not be something horrible like abuse, it could be mental trauma or teenage pregnancy or bullying etc

Either way, she’s not going to tell you about it, I think she needs closure and peace in her heart.

I reckon if you don’t let her you will forever symbolise bad karma from the house and end up thinking about it and feel guilty .

Be open, give her the opportunity but make it clear it’s a one off. Fair is fair.

Hopefully that will be the end of it.

good luck

As others have said, no reputable therapist would suggest this.

What is the current home owner is t a nice person like the op but an ex offender or someone who hasn't been caught and is a rapist or a violent person etc and the therapist is telling we her vulnerable client to invite herself round to the strangers house just he had edge used to live there!

Another viewpoint is that because the woman may have been a victim it doesn't mean she is a nice person or even that she could have problems such as being a thief and could steal some small personal object when the op isn't looking etc.

The woman is a stranger.

I’d let her, I’m in a similar position with my childhood home and would really appreciate the kindness.

I cannot imagine a therapist ever saying this to someone to be honest. I'm sure it's a genuine heartfelt letter, and you now know the girl is who she says she is. But what's to say that she comes once and then wants to come again. And again. And then starts turning up unannounced. There are other ways she, and her therapist, should be working though her trauma.

If you do want to help, then you must stipulate this is a one and only thing and I would suggest her therapist also comes along. As well as a chaperone for yourself.