Received a strange request in the post

[tmreunion]

I received a letter yesterday in the post to the 'current owner'.

We bought our house 15 years ago from a normal family - mum, dad, teenage daughter and younger son. Been very happy here.

I received a letter which reads -

'Dear current owner,

This is a very odd request and I completely understand and respect if you do not feel comfortable with this and therefore, there is no need to respond if that is the case.

I grew up in, what is now, your home. I experienced a lot of trauma in the home and have been working through this for the last few years. I was wondering if I would be able to come and see the house again, as part of my healing. This was suggested to me by my therapist and I feel it would be beneficial. However, as stated, I understand this is an unusual request and my healing is of no importance to a perfect stranger, so please do not feel pressured to agree to this.

If you were to kindly allow this, I would of course expect to be accompanied round the house and this would take no more than ten minutes.

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter and if you would like to contact me my name is 'name' - 'contact number'. If not, I wish you and your family well.

Best wishes,

Name'

I added the number and it is indeed the teenage daughter who was part of the family we bought the house from. She is now in her 30s. I feel really odd about it and almost distrustful. I also don't like the thought that she experienced trauma in our home, almost like she's trying to taint it.

My husband thinks that although it's odd, she is clearly doing some inner work and why wouldn't we help someone who is in need?

What do you think? WIBU to ignore or should I text and feel it out from there?

OP still not back?

Hi Op, I haven’t read all the responses yet, but just wanted to say that you are entitled to have your own boundaries and enforce them, and this includes saying no to this request if you are not comfortable with it.

I think you should also feel free to ignore anyone who calls you selfish or implies you are unkind for doing so.

There’s lots of well meaning responses on this thread along the lines of ‘it will only take 10 minutes’ & ‘you will be helping someone to heal’ etc, but I think these may be a bit naive. This person may want to visit again, or become extremely upset upset while visiting, or may want to share details of their trauma that you do not want to know about.

It’s ok to say no!

It’s a hard one, on one hand if I were you I’d be reasonably confident it’s not a scam and feel genuinely sorry for her trauma and want to help in any way. On the other hand, this is your home and your safe/happy place; I’m not sure I’d be willing to welcome any negative association to it. I may be being melodramatic but I feel like the vibe of the house would shift for me after such an experience, and then taint it for me in the future. I can’t fully explain why but it would just feel off to me afterwards.

The only selfish one is the woman who has sent a request to a complete stranger asking for access to her family’s home and involving her in whatever trauma she has allegedly experienced.

And the manipulative letter would just set the cherry on top for me.

I can’t believe that there are actually people accusing anyone who wouldn’t allow this of being selfish.

Sometimes bad things happen to people. But it’s not our responsibility to fix them, and there is not a chance in hell I would let someone into my house and have them make me a part of their trauma. Because anyone who thinks that someone would just pop round, have a walk round for five minutes and then leave and all would be well is either naive or stupid.

I’d feel the same unease as you for the same reasons but I’d feel like I wanted to let her in. Just for ten mins or so though as requested. It would give me a feeling of good will

It's completely inappropriate for any therapist to suggest that a client writes to a stranger asking them to do something to 'help them heal'.

Completely inappropriate. And potentially upsetting for the stranger who is asked to do help someone around something that is nothing to do with them and as we've seen on this thread, could be subjected to peer pressure from other people saying they disregard their own feelings or boundaries to facilitate someone else's inappropriate request.

A 'therapist' suggesting that is potentially dodgy imo.

I was involved in a similar situation several years ago where someone when young, had caused the death of another person. Without intent, but through recklessness, selfishness and lack of regard for other people. And went to prison for it.

And years later was indeed traumatised by what they had done but had a 'therapist' tell them it would help them to heal if they went to the persons grave and laid flowers. Without considering AT ALL the family members who didn't want the killer of their loved one visiting the grave to try and 'heal'.

They didn't want that person anywhere near their loved ones grave, let alone to help the perpetrator 'heal' when the family never could.

People should heal in their own way, without expecting strangers who played no part, or were victims, to facilitate it. Any therapist suggesting that, is not a good therapist. And people rejecting that idea are not being unkind or any other nonsense you suggest.

Why wouldn't you let her? You think it will taint your house to know there was trauma? Then how do you think she feels to actually go through it??
I can't fathom the selfishness of some people. Obviously you should let her.

At the very least, acknowledge the letter. You could say you need some time to think. You could even arrange to meet her somewhere else first and you could ask her not to mention what actually happened in her time there so as not to taint your current home.

Personally, I think I'd agree. I think I'd need time to get to that point, but I believe in helping people and she's putting the effort in.

Good luck, whatever you choose 🙂

.

I would do this readily, without overthinking it.

It's definitely not a "scam" - bloody complex scam!

I might say this can happen once, but I wouldn't be comfortable for it to happen more than that.

Honestly don't think it would mean much to me and could mean so much to her.

I didn’t have a letter but a few years back I had the daughter of the previous family knock and ask.
My husband was in and did allow her a walk round. Just to warn you she had a massive reaction to what we’d done- the house looks nothing like her childhood home. I think in her head it was preserved and a link to her past that would fix her somehow. The disappointment in not finding this, but being essentially in an anonymous house overwhelmed her. She was crying heavily and I came home to a very emotional stranger and a stressed husband. She was pleasant but it was intense, certainly not ten minutes and pretty emotionally draining. It was time wise difficult with kids returning too, trying to get them to avoid the scene.
I probably wouldn’t do it again, it didn’t seem to help anyone.

I wouldn’t do this. It would make me feel uncomfortable and I’m too busy. Trying to find 10 minutes for myself is hard enough. It would just feel like just another thing to do

Sorry I'm going to direct this to you as you're the most recent poster, but you echo other things that PP have said in wanting to peer pressure or bully, as you are, OP into doing something that has f-all to do with her, and she should have never been asked to do.

She is NOT selfish. And you and others, should have a think about how you seemingly condemn abuse but want to bully and emotionally abuse a woman into doing something she doesn't want to do, which is a huge ask of a stranger who literally has nothing to do with the authors trauma.

Seriously, have a word with yourselves and think about what you're saying.

You ARE BULLYING which is EMOTIONAL ABUSE for those of you who don't seem to recognise it in yourselves. OP bought a house 15 years ago, whatever happened in thar house prior to her ownership is nothing to do with the OP. It is and has been HER HOUSE for years. If she doesn't want anyone who previously lived in that house decades ago, to want to view her house as part of their very dodgy 'therapy' or even if they wanted to have a look round for nostalgia, she should not be bullied or emotionally manipulated into that.

Thank you for sharing that experience. I'm sorry about what happened to your friends.

I am fortunate, as a diagnosed cPTSD sufferer, that I've had the benefit of working with thoroughly professional, effective therapists. These people have nothing short of turned my life around. Therapy answered so many questions I've been asking of myself all my life, as well as addressing the traumas head-on and stripping away the emotion of it all to enable an objective vision. Why I, as a reasonably skilled communicator, was such a poor judge of character. Why I seemingly had no gut instinct (childhood trauma victims frequently don't); why my fight/flight/freeze/fawn instincts were scrambled; why for some reason abusers seemed to make a beeline for me; why my development had remained stagnated in certain limited areas, so that when I completed therapy I suddenly felt I'd grown old overnight, and why my interaction in intimate relationships had sometimes been so intensely needy (ie. limerance) on my part. I've also stopped being a 'yes' person, and have appropriate, healthy boundaries in place.

All those issues, as well as the trauma, are resolved. EMDR has stopped the flashbacks: not just given me tools to deal with them when they happened: they've stopped. The more serious cPTSD symptoms, like short-term memory loss, have gone. At one stage I was terrified I had early-onset dementia, they were that severe. I've had further traumas since that therapy concluded and am amazed by my own strength in dealing with serious illness in my family, as well as a serious accident last year that almost killed me. It's incredible.

I'm grateful my therapists have given me so much. Because, if any of the therapists posting on this thread had been genuine, and their insight into professional ethics so apparently non-existent, they'd have gone a long way toward destroying my faith in that profession.

Ofc the thread is likely made-up - and there's a lot of faux-naivety permeating it as well - but it's given some valuable insights nonetheless. Not least of which, should further therapy ever become necessary in my life, is a note to self to choose any future therapists with extreme care.

Exactly. I think some posters here are thinking "let her look round, it'll all be fine and if she's upset she can talk about it with the (potentially dodgy) therapist. But its naive of posters here to think the viewer can control their responses till after, that's not how trauma works and any decent therapist wouldn't just suggest it.

So it's not just about whether OP is selfish not to facilitate it, but also why should OP risk having an extremely distressed stranger in their home just to be kind?

I did this, but having made the request of showing my DC where I grew up ( which was at least part of the reason for the visit). It was incredibly helpful in ways I hadn't anticipated and allowed me to let go of some of the power the space had held for me. They were just rooms now. I didn't need to talk to the people who lived there about any of it, and they were kind about the request. If you do feel able to, or feel your DH could be there, it could be very helpful for her. It must have been a hard thing to ask.

Someone upthread said to let her in but not go in the bedrooms.....I'm thinking that's exactly the rooms she will want to go in

So it's still a No

And that a self-professed Clinical Consultant in Psychotherapy could actually make this statement:

Thankfully, the world at large is usually more trusting, accepting and kind

This. From a therapist. On a thread containing numerous PPs who openly disclose that they are sufferers of PTSD/cPTSD.

The world isn't fucking kind. If it were, children would not be suffering rape or ending up with concussion at the hands of their own parents.

A therapist supposedly working with vulnerable clients actually needs these unpleasant facts of life pointing out to them.

And I thought nothing I read on MN could shock me anymore.

I think as you know it is a genuine person, not a scam that this is a genuine request. Her letter sounds very reasonable and applies no pressure. I understand you feeling it a bit odd cause it is odd but I wouldn’t feel distrustful.

I think this is more why wouldn’t you help her. It won’t cost you anything other than 10 mins of kindness, it’s been suggested by a therapist so it’s clearly something that could be hugely impactive for her and it could be nice for you to play a part in that. You could really help.

Prep your house in regards to anything expensive, ask she bring a friend that waits outside so that if it causes a lot of upset for her you have someone to hand her over to and show her that this house is a living home.

I think it's very very naive of posters who keep claiming that it won't cost the OP anything and it's only 10 minutes. It could very well just be 10 minutes, it could go swimmingly well and this lady isn't affected at all, they all have a lovely time chatting and having a cup of tea. Which sounds a bit odd considering the situation doesn't it? Because it is. Allowing a troubled woman into her home is obviously going to cause some level of distress to this woman, and in turn probably to the OP and/or her family members. It's a very misguided request, if a real therapist was even involved.

It isn't selfish to want to protect yourself, your family and your home from this kind of distress. I do think there is a level of pressure within the words of the letter too actually, though it may have been a subconscious thing from the author. I think the OP would be much more open to the possibility of allowing a previous resident into their home if they had kept it light, short and sweet 'I used to live here and would love the opportunity to come and see my childhood home'.

But why doesn't let her husband do it?

It would be a no to her coming into my hous full stop.

I don't think it's selfish not to do it, but some of the responses here are v OTT/Sistine Chapel. In all likelyhood, if OP let this woman in, she'd potter about for 10 mins, have a little cry, and go on her way. But yes, absolutely no obligation on OP to facilitate it.

I have read the paper that you linked to. In the study there were 25 participants and there was no mention of visits to private homes, which, as the data was incomplete, doesn’t mean that it didn’t happen, but the examples given were:

3 via google earth and street view, a hospital, a venue, areas of London, a memorial, the site of a road traffic accident and an undisclosed building where staff members were present. 

The authors said that they followed the protocols set down by Murray, Merritt and Grey (2015), so I read that paper. Those authors described closely controlled situations, with risk assessments, debriefs and at least one therapist present.

The examples that were used were: the sites of 2 road traffic accidents, a hospital, a caravan park, a shop and a prison. Again, private residences weren’t mentioned.

I’m a bit puzzled as to why you’ve linked to this paper, as it doesn’t have any relevance to the OPs situation. Any benefits that patients/clients may have had, came from being closely supported by therapists who designed, monitored and followed up the visits.  

This is not evidence that someone in therapy would benefit from initiating contact with the stranger who now lives at the site of their trauma, yet you seem to be using it to suggest that the OP does just that?

@Chickenkeev that isn't the likely hood at all though actually. No one can say for definite what reaction this woman would have in the OP's home. Considering she's already seeking therapy in attempts to overcome her trauma, there's a bigger chance that she will be deeply affected or distressed to be there and will likely react in an unpredictable way.