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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Received a strange request in the post

596 replies

tmreunion · 02/11/2023 11:36

I received a letter yesterday in the post to the 'current owner'.

We bought our house 15 years ago from a normal family - mum, dad, teenage daughter and younger son. Been very happy here.

I received a letter which reads -

'Dear current owner,

This is a very odd request and I completely understand and respect if you do not feel comfortable with this and therefore, there is no need to respond if that is the case.

I grew up in, what is now, your home. I experienced a lot of trauma in the home and have been working through this for the last few years. I was wondering if I would be able to come and see the house again, as part of my healing. This was suggested to me by my therapist and I feel it would be beneficial. However, as stated, I understand this is an unusual request and my healing is of no importance to a perfect stranger, so please do not feel pressured to agree to this.

If you were to kindly allow this, I would of course expect to be accompanied round the house and this would take no more than ten minutes.

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter and if you would like to contact me my name is 'name' - 'contact number'. If not, I wish you and your family well.

Best wishes,

Name'

I added the number and it is indeed the teenage daughter who was part of the family we bought the house from. She is now in her 30s. I feel really odd about it and almost distrustful. I also don't like the thought that she experienced trauma in our home, almost like she's trying to taint it.

My husband thinks that although it's odd, she is clearly doing some inner work and why wouldn't we help someone who is in need?

What do you think? WIBU to ignore or should I text and feel it out from there?

OP posts:
lalloop · 03/11/2023 02:06

I would ignore the letter and move on. I'm a very private person and don't like people coming into my home. Her issues are for her to deal with.

Catsmere · 03/11/2023 02:09

Megifer · 02/11/2023 12:21

And some of the responses convince me even more that nowadays if someone has a problem it's someone else's responsibility to sort out for them, and if they don't they are a big ol meanie 🙄

Show quote history

It's the whole Be Kind thing that so often gets thrown at women who have any boundaries or reservations about indulging strangers' requests/demands, or even think of saying NO.

ThinWomansBrain · 03/11/2023 02:13

I'd inviter her to visit - she's not asking you to be her counsellor, just feels it would put some ghosts to rest.
She has a counsellor - so she can unpack whatever comes up for her with him or her.
It could be something awful, but judging by some of the posts on here regarding what some people regard as abusive, not necessarily so.

Catsmere · 03/11/2023 02:19

SerafinasGoose · 02/11/2023 12:41

The mere fact that you've posted this thread on MN, OP, is enough to determine the answer to your question. You are not comfortable with this. You're therefore entitled to say no.

I was a victim of child abuse. I confess, I have revisited the house in which I underwent this trauma: I parked outside and sat there for a while in quiet contemplation. Same thing with my grandparents' old house a couple of streets down: as a child this was the only place I ever felt safe. But there's a caveat: it would never for one moment have occurred to me to write with a similar request to the owners of these houses. It's my trauma to work through. These are now someone else's homes: a home is a sanctuary, and, even in such a small way as this, my baggage is not theirs to pick up.

I'd also bear in mind that old adage 'no good deed goes unpunished'. Even if there's no scam - and in this day and age my suspicions would always be aroused by any 'unusual' resquest - you may be opening a door that's best left closed. It might not end with the one request, and if there's a conversation of any sort, or this vulnerable person sees you as a de facto therapist merely by virtue of owning that home, it could have future repercussions for you.

Effective therapy isn't dependent on revisiting the site of the trauma. In fact, this could even have the opposite effect to the one intended. I know this having been left with cPTSD from child abuse, and having had very successful therapy to overcome this without issuing any strange or 'unusual' requests to uninvolved parties.

'Let sleeping dogs lie' became a cliche with very good reason. My instincts would also tell me to respond to this note with a kind but firm no.

Excellent post.

OP, I hope you read and heed this.

junbean · 03/11/2023 02:38

I would support her, ask DH to be there when she comes if you feel weird about it. There's nothing wrong with what she's requesting, I'd be happy to help.

junbean · 03/11/2023 02:44

There's so much disinformation in this thread it's appalling. What this woman is trying to do is called immersion therapy. I've done it myself. It's revisiting trauma in a safe environment and it's guided by a safe person. It's especially helpful in CPTSD. It almost resets the core memory so when it comes up you associate the new memory with it, which minimizes things like flashbacks and triggers. It can be life-saving.

Catsmere · 03/11/2023 02:52

MsRosley · 02/11/2023 13:49

I'd help her. Just make sure you have someone else around, like your DH. Poor girl.

She's not a girl, she's a woman in her thirties - this all happened (assuming it's true) many years ago.

ohdamnitjanet · 03/11/2023 05:39

Yea of course you should. I can’t think of a reason why not, it’s good to have an opportunity to help someone.

Mugaloaf · 03/11/2023 05:39

If I suspected a scam, definitely not. In your position I would help because you know she is.

Catsmere · 03/11/2023 05:42

Like other posters, I'm starting to wonder if this is a reverse or completely made up, since OP apparently hasn't been back.

greenhydrangea · 03/11/2023 05:51

I have done a couple of slow drive-bys of the house I grew up in.

It is deeply creepy that she has involved you in her trauma and made you feel you must play an implicit role in her healing by inviting her in - to relive it, to exorcise it somehow, and how? It is your home, not a therapy tool. I find it all extraordinarily off. Her therapist sounds dodgy as fuck for suggesting it.

Scylax · 03/11/2023 05:51

I’d let her, it isn’t about you or trying to ‘taint’ anything, just her trying to process her own experience. Maybe ask DH to supervise if you don’t want to.

angsanana · 03/11/2023 06:02

It's a polite letter and a reasonable request. If you feel strange and don't want to know what went on give a good friend your key and get them to show round.

GRex · 03/11/2023 06:43

I'm startled so many people would encourage this. It sounds like a terrible idea, you have no idea of this person's character nor actual motivations. The room itself will have changed, it is not similar to revisiting a public area that was the site of trauma, so even if the story were true, it would not be likely to be helpful. Darker motives for coming include theft, impersonation, blackmail, psychotic episodes etc. And yes, some people can sound quite rational when psychotic. Just ask her not to contact you again.

MaryShelley1818 · 03/11/2023 06:43

I wouldn't even hesitate in helping her. There are some very paranoid replies on here.

TwoShades1 · 03/11/2023 06:55

I think the letter is very respectful and you should reply with an answer either way.

Personally I would be a bit hesitant for a couple of reasons. What if she starts taking about what happened to her there, I’m not a therapist and wouldn’t want to hear traumatic details or about abuse. And what if she has a complete breakdown? She could end up being there for ages and I’m not qualified to be much help, so would probably have to wait for ambulance.

Catsmere · 03/11/2023 07:06

I'm surprised people think a stranger who allegedly lived in your house some twenty years ago asking out of the blue to be allowed to come in and see it is remotely reasonable.

Ktime · 03/11/2023 07:17

I can’t believe people are still giving OP advice when she never returned after her first post.

I wonder if this happened.

DottyLottieLou · 03/11/2023 07:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Jem7474 · 03/11/2023 07:53

GirrlCrush · 02/11/2023 12:14

Any therapists on here? Proper ones?

Would YOU suggest this!?

Yes. I'm a Consultant Clinical Psychologist and Trauma Specialist. Site visits (ie returning to place of trauma) are completely standard within PTSD treatment. Usually therapist would go too. Letter is respecrtful, request is reasonable. Having done a lot of site visits with clients, most people are kind and helpful.

CrimpleFimply · 03/11/2023 07:55

I'd say no. And think it was inappropriate of a therapist to suggest this, if they did.

Jem7474 · 03/11/2023 07:56

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26190531/

OP has not returned so doubt she is still reading, but for all those 'dodgy therapists', 'psychobabbly', 'fuck no', pople out there. Thankfully, the world at large is usually more trusting, accepting and kind.

Clients' Experiences of Returning to the Trauma Site during PTSD Treatment: An Exploratory Study - PubMed

Therapist-accompanied site visits may have various useful therapeutic functions and participants experience them positively.

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26190531

TheBerry · 03/11/2023 08:09

YABU for suggesting she’s trying to “taint” your home. The poor woman can’t help that she experienced trauma there! Maybe show a bit of empathy??

As for letting her come round, well, I can understand feeling uncomfortable with that. Still, I’d let her. I’d assume she’s being genuine and it’s a small thing I could do to help her.

WhoNeedsEnemiesWithFriendsLikeThese · 03/11/2023 08:38

It's a tough one. On one side I think I would want to help her, but on the other I think it would be the end of the house for me. I don't think I would be easy knowing my DC where sleeping in a room where something possibly took place.

Before you do anything, check online to see if this is a scam and other people have had similar letters.

I do think it is very unprofessional of a therapist to suggest you contact the dwellers of your old house. You are helping one person, but opening a whole can of worms for others. Some of you might be alright with her coming round, but for me, it would be the end of my sanctuary.

Megifer · 03/11/2023 08:57

"Be kind!!! It's important to her and will help her mental health"

"But what about ops feelings and her mental health if it all backfires and ends badly for op?"

"Fuck the op, we're only kind by proxy to people who ALREADY have issues. Come back and tell us the outcome op so we can either pat ourselves on the back or tell you how you'll have fucked her recovery up"