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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Received a strange request in the post

596 replies

tmreunion · 02/11/2023 11:36

I received a letter yesterday in the post to the 'current owner'.

We bought our house 15 years ago from a normal family - mum, dad, teenage daughter and younger son. Been very happy here.

I received a letter which reads -

'Dear current owner,

This is a very odd request and I completely understand and respect if you do not feel comfortable with this and therefore, there is no need to respond if that is the case.

I grew up in, what is now, your home. I experienced a lot of trauma in the home and have been working through this for the last few years. I was wondering if I would be able to come and see the house again, as part of my healing. This was suggested to me by my therapist and I feel it would be beneficial. However, as stated, I understand this is an unusual request and my healing is of no importance to a perfect stranger, so please do not feel pressured to agree to this.

If you were to kindly allow this, I would of course expect to be accompanied round the house and this would take no more than ten minutes.

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter and if you would like to contact me my name is 'name' - 'contact number'. If not, I wish you and your family well.

Best wishes,

Name'

I added the number and it is indeed the teenage daughter who was part of the family we bought the house from. She is now in her 30s. I feel really odd about it and almost distrustful. I also don't like the thought that she experienced trauma in our home, almost like she's trying to taint it.

My husband thinks that although it's odd, she is clearly doing some inner work and why wouldn't we help someone who is in need?

What do you think? WIBU to ignore or should I text and feel it out from there?

OP posts:
EqualityWhatequality · 02/11/2023 15:19

It’s up to the client and therapist whether it could be helpful or not. The letter suggests they both think it could be, and theory and evidence, suggests it could too.

The OP is under no obligation, and it would be fine to say no, of course, but it could be really helpful to the woman who has made herself vulnerable by asking.

The OP may not want to help or may not feel able to, that’s her choice, but debating the merits of exposure work in this forum is a moot point. It’s up to the therapist and client to decide and evaluate that.

lockedinflavour · 02/11/2023 15:20

EqualityWhatequality · 02/11/2023 14:52

OP AS SOMEONE WHO HAS EXPERTISE IN TRAUMA WORK:

This sounds genuine and would be called ‘exposure’ in therapy terms. Facing those reminders and triggers of past trauma, (that we often try and avoid), can help our body to heal. It’s much more scientific than that, but I shan’t bore you with the details neuroscience and theory.

If you can find it in your heart to allow this - and may be even offer her a cup of tea, a biscuit and a warm welcome - may be some empathy - it could really help her healing.

There is, of course, no need or requirement for you to do this, it would generous and altruistic, but you could create something really positive in the world.

Depending on how well resourced I was feeling, I would say yes to this. I can’t see much risk to you to be honest.

This is absolutely terrible terrible 'advice' from an 'expert' point of view!
Your use of language like altruistic and 'create something good in the world' in attempting to shame someone into a allowing a vulnerable women to come into their home, with no prior experience of trauma, PTSD or contact from the actual therapist is deeply questionable.

It is not up to the op to 'help her healing'! Or to offer her a cup of tea and a warm welcome! It is the job of a good therapist and proper mental health support to help this woman. Not the random person who lives in their old house.

Takentomybed · 02/11/2023 15:22

My immediate reaction was No. There are other ways to work through trauma. This isn't the only way so don't feel bad if you choose to say no to her.
It is your home and your choice

Spermscarecrow · 02/11/2023 15:23

Megifer · 02/11/2023 15:16

You cited your 'expertise' at the start if your post which could lead op into believing you know what you are talking about in this situation (which, of course, you don't) then went on to assert that this is exposure therapy and can help with again absolutely no idea whatsoever of this person's background. You really should have mentioned in your post that, of course, you cannot be certain it would help.

And you're still doing it by saying the op could be helpful. You have no idea if this is the case.

An 'expert', an ethical one anyway, would have made that clear instead of trying to convince op to agree to this.

Edited

I agree , MN has made it quite clear that no one on Mumsnet has had any qualifications verified so not to give any professional advice .

1983Louise · 02/11/2023 15:23

Why would you think she's trying to taint your life in the house, it's just not about you. I would imagine she has done a lot of work.on herself and this is part of the healing process. I would certainly open my door to her, I find it strange that you don't want to.

Lifeomars · 02/11/2023 15:24

I would help her, it must have taken her courage to write that letter just as it has taken her courage to undertake therapy. Personally I would feel privileged to hopefully be able to assist her recovery. I remember when my old childhood home was up for sale that looking at the pictures online was a very disconcerting experience ( my childhood was very difficult and it plus other tough life events have left me with complex PTSD) and wondering if being to physically go there would have helped me.

EqualityWhatequality · 02/11/2023 15:24

Megifer

I have said it could help. ‘Could’ being the operative word. And it could. That’s not contentious. It absolutely could help. It might not, but it could. Fact.

It’s not the OPs duty or responsibility to do this but knowing that this is a valid thing to do in trauma therapy gives her more information to help her decide. I cite my expertise to be clear that when I say that this can be a valid part of trauma work, I say this from an informed position.

Lovelymoon · 02/11/2023 15:26

I personally would help her too. Although I’d probably make sure husband/friend/anyone else was there with me jusy in case

graceinspace999 · 02/11/2023 15:28

Spermscarecrow · 02/11/2023 14:59

It could quite easily taint other people's lives that may be vulnerable to it . Its traumatic information that cannot be easily forgotten. I suffer from PTSD and would never involve other people in my past trauma. Just as others trauma can be triggering to me . Any therapist who suggested this should be reported .

I asked if she was vulnerable.

I don’t believe we can taint each other. Maybe ‘taint’ was incorrectly used.

‘Taint’ has negative associations and implies that the woman wants to deliberately spoil the OPs home

Maybe we can affect each other if we are both vulnerable.

Part of life is learning to cope with these triggers or reminders of past experiences that hurt us. I don’t believe avoidance is the best strategy.

Having said that there is no obligation to allow this woman in if the OP is uncomfortable and it is certainly not unkind.

EqualityWhatequality · 02/11/2023 15:28

Spermscarecrow

I am not giving professional advice. I’m citing my expertise so that when I say that this can absolutely be a part of trauma therapy, it’s clear that this is an informed position.

The OP isn’t the person who is working on trauma so I am not giving her professional advice about trauma. Just academic information about why the person may be requesting this. I’m giving generic information about trauma work and that she COULD be helpful. It’s not advice. It’s certainly not professional advice.

Damonalbarnsbigtoe · 02/11/2023 15:29

If it were me, I would definitely say yes. I would want to help this lady and hopefully this will improve her life moving forward. Yes it may have made you feel slightly uncomfortable but surely you can deal with that if it’s doing good for someone who has clearly suffered?

Megifer · 02/11/2023 15:29

EqualityWhatequality · 02/11/2023 15:24

Megifer

I have said it could help. ‘Could’ being the operative word. And it could. That’s not contentious. It absolutely could help. It might not, but it could. Fact.

It’s not the OPs duty or responsibility to do this but knowing that this is a valid thing to do in trauma therapy gives her more information to help her decide. I cite my expertise to be clear that when I say that this can be a valid part of trauma work, I say this from an informed position.

But you're citing your 'expertise' in a "so op, I know what I'm talking about" when it's patently clear in this situation, you know as much as me, which is absolutely nothing about whether this could help.

All you needed to say was "op this can be a valid form of therapy". But instead you, very unprofessionally, told op this could be a very nice thing etc.

As pp said that disclaimer does need to be heeded on this thread for sure

Grumpy101 · 02/11/2023 15:30

A complete stranger checking out your house layout and valuables? No way. You'd be a fool. Her trauma, if real, is hers to deal with.

DarkDayforMN · 02/11/2023 15:30

not the poster being referenced here but I have to point out that there "There is no need or requirement for you to do this, but it could create something positive" does not mean the same as "you're a bad person if you say no." If you experience the former as "shaming" I feel very sympathetic towards you for whatever conditions created that reaction, but it really is your issue, not anyone else's!

kirbykirby · 02/11/2023 15:33

I think this is really unreasonable and unfair to you on so many levels and the letter actually sounds a bit emotionally manipulative to me. It's your home and she needs to move on and a good therapist wouldn't encourage involving a stranger into someone else's trauma. Your home is your sanctuary.

EqualityWhatequality · 02/11/2023 15:33

Spermscarecrow

I know it COULD help. It might not. But it COULD. It’s not the OPs responsibility- but if she feels up to it - it COULD be helpful.

Whether or not it’s the most helpful thing for the letter writer is up to her and her therapist. No one else. That’s not what the debate is here.

EqualityWhatequality · 02/11/2023 15:34

kirbykirby

I think the letter writer had been clear that the OP can just ignore her. How else could she have asked? I think it’s a really thoughtfully written letter.

GigiAnnna · 02/11/2023 15:36

No I wouldn't get involved in it. I wouldn't want a stranger going in my bedroom or my children's. If you want to help her then it's nice of you but don't feel bad about not doing it.

SerafinasGoose · 02/11/2023 15:36

EqualityWhatequality · 02/11/2023 15:12

SerafinasGoose

You show me what I’ve written that would be a breach. I’ve simply stated that exposure is a valid part of therapy - so the request does make sense. I’ve said that I would - depending on my resource. I’ve said the OP should decide and there is no need for her to do it. I’ve said it could be really healing. Nowhere have I said she should. Nowhere have I said that it will be beneficial. I have shared my personal view, backed up by my professional knowledge. I’m not offering therapeutic advice. So tell me how I’ve breached a code of conduct.

I haven’t accused you of a ‘breach’. I have no insight into your professional practice. What I’ve seen you doing is loudly asserting your expertise with X years’ experience - albeit not saying much that backs this up - therefore your view carries more weight, as opposed to letting the substance and content of what you suggest speak for itself. In most professions, that kind of attitude would be laughed at or at least discredited. On the internet, someone might take your expertise as given and actually believe you.

Now as to professional ethics: This conversation takes place in the context of a thread in which the OP has concerns about what this therapist has supposedly advised their client to do, without any safeguarding or risk assessment, and without taking into account potentially serious issues which could arise from having a vulnerable client visit someone’s home address (when you don’t know the first thing about the owner). If you disagree that this is a contravention of acceptable practice, then I’m sure I don’t know precisely what you’d consider a breach.

Another problem with the content of your posts is that they take one side of a contested issue and present yours as though this were an authority, backed up merely by the assertion that ‘I am an expert’, but not with any solid information. In the case of this form of exposure therapy, this is a disingenuous stance to say the least, and in any professional context, the ethics of this are questionable. If you’re a therapist of both CBT and EMDR you’ll know all about the contestation between therapists as to where and under what conditions these can most effectively be used.

The peer-reviewed article linked above, which I have accessed in its entirety, suggests in its abstract that practical constraints are one reason many therapists avoid ‘site visits’. The article in its entirely says nothing about visits taking place in private residences. In the body of the article the following point is made:

‘It is also important to leave sufficient time for the visit, including travel, debriefing time for after the visit and extra time to stay with the client in case they are distressed. A plan for after the visit is needed, for example going back to the office for a ‘debrief’, planning another session to discuss the visit, how the client will get home, and what they plan to do after the visit’.

Yet in this case the woman has written directly to the home owner and from the letter she quotes verbatim none of these variables have been put in place to protect this client’s interests in any of these respects. Best practice? In your book maybe, but certainly not in mine.

As to this observation:

‘In a recent training evaluation, CBT therapists who routinely treated PTSD were asked to rate their own competency in carrying out a site visit with a client. Only two (5%) out of the 40 therapists rated themselves as having fully developed this competency’.

Yet here you are, cheerfully telling the home owner in this case on the internet how beneficial this exercise could be for the woman in question, thereby implicitly suggesting she should cede to this vulnerable woman's request. And claiming expertise in order to add weight to that opinion.

Now this might not be a fullscale breach of your professional code of conduct, but as far as anonymous interaction on the www is concerned, it has all manner of risky potential as outlined above. It's amazing, that if you possess the expertise you claim to own, that you should need these fairly elementary factors pointing out.

And you have responsibility for vulnerable PTSD/cPTSD patients?

Spermscarecrow · 02/11/2023 15:39

DarkDayforMN · 02/11/2023 15:12

Here is what it actually "actually" says in the abstract for anyone who can't be arsed to click on the link:
Many clinicians avoid site visits due to lack of confidence or practical constraints; however, recent research suggests this is a valuable part of treatment.

Yep read all if it thanks so I could be arsed thanks 👍 it's only suggested not advised. And "Constraints " can mean a huge amount of things that would not make it appropriate.

EqualityWhatequality · 02/11/2023 15:39

54isanopendoor

What a lovely thing to do. So heart warming.

Drinagh · 02/11/2023 15:41

The 'tainting' thing is funny -- it comes up all the time on here that posters would have a full-on panic if they thought that someone had died in their house. And they don't mean hacked to death with an axe by a crazed killer, they just mean a common or garden death. Brits are culturally really odd about death. Like it only happens to a tiny, unlucky minority, and it's a bit gross, like haemorrhoids, so don't talk about it, and do it in hospital, there's a good chap, so it doesn't 'taint' the house for subsequent owners.

Jaxhog · 02/11/2023 15:42

Maybe not so odd. My Mum spent some of her troubled teenage years living in a house near Berwick on Tweed. It became a B&B recently, and she went to stay for a couple of days. It was quite cathartic for her.

lockedinflavour · 02/11/2023 15:42

DarkDayforMN · 02/11/2023 15:30

not the poster being referenced here but I have to point out that there "There is no need or requirement for you to do this, but it could create something positive" does not mean the same as "you're a bad person if you say no." If you experience the former as "shaming" I feel very sympathetic towards you for whatever conditions created that reaction, but it really is your issue, not anyone else's!

It was very concerning that someone purporting to be an 'expert' is telling the OP to welcome this woman into her home and 'create something positive in the world', 'offer a cup of tea and a biscuit'. It is an attempt, or can very well be seen or felt as an attempt, to make the OP feel shame and guilt for questioning her own boundaries around this whole scenario. As for your silly 'sympathy' comment, I can't even respond to that as it doesn't even make any sense.

It does put the OP in a vulnerable position allowing a potentially unstable, vulnerable and troubled person in to her home. And she should not feel abliged to do it because some 'expert' on mumsnet has told her it it's altruistic and 'creates something positive in the world'.

LadyThatLaunches · 02/11/2023 15:43

I think I'd have to tbh.

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