Received a strange request in the post

[tmreunion]

I received a letter yesterday in the post to the 'current owner'.

We bought our house 15 years ago from a normal family - mum, dad, teenage daughter and younger son. Been very happy here.

I received a letter which reads -

'Dear current owner,

This is a very odd request and I completely understand and respect if you do not feel comfortable with this and therefore, there is no need to respond if that is the case.

I grew up in, what is now, your home. I experienced a lot of trauma in the home and have been working through this for the last few years. I was wondering if I would be able to come and see the house again, as part of my healing. This was suggested to me by my therapist and I feel it would be beneficial. However, as stated, I understand this is an unusual request and my healing is of no importance to a perfect stranger, so please do not feel pressured to agree to this.

If you were to kindly allow this, I would of course expect to be accompanied round the house and this would take no more than ten minutes.

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter and if you would like to contact me my name is 'name' - 'contact number'. If not, I wish you and your family well.

Best wishes,

Name'

I added the number and it is indeed the teenage daughter who was part of the family we bought the house from. She is now in her 30s. I feel really odd about it and almost distrustful. I also don't like the thought that she experienced trauma in our home, almost like she's trying to taint it.

My husband thinks that although it's odd, she is clearly doing some inner work and why wouldn't we help someone who is in need?

What do you think? WIBU to ignore or should I text and feel it out from there?

It’d be a ‘no’ from me.

It’s good she’s working through whatever trauma she has, but that’s none of your business and nothing you want to get involved with. Plus you aren’t aware of whatever happened in that house before you and have lived happily, so why learn things you can’t unlearn that could make you unhappy in your own house.

OP AS SOMEONE WHO HAS EXPERTISE IN TRAUMA WORK:

This sounds genuine and would be called ‘exposure’ in therapy terms. Facing those reminders and triggers of past trauma, (that we often try and avoid), can help our body to heal. It’s much more scientific than that, but I shan’t bore you with the details neuroscience and theory.

If you can find it in your heart to allow this - and may be even offer her a cup of tea, a biscuit and a warm welcome - may be some empathy - it could really help her healing.

There is, of course, no need or requirement for you to do this, it would generous and altruistic, but you could create something really positive in the world.

Depending on how well resourced I was feeling, I would say yes to this. I can’t see much risk to you to be honest.

I’d also say yes for her, because if I was in a situation like hers I would hope to be helped, but for me, if I felt uncomfortable with it I would ask a good friend to accompany her around.

It doesn’t say anywhere in OPs thread that she ever met the daughter 15 years ago,

So you're a scammer, and you've gone to all the effort to create fake social media profiles for a real person, and you decide to monetise this effort... by researching where this person lived as a child, and writing to the current owner of this home asking to look around for ten minutes?

I've only read the first page of replies but very pleasantly surprised to see everyone encouraging you to facilitate if. I definitely would or at least ask DH as he has no issue with it.

There was a thread here before where the OP received a similar request but from a friend on behalf of her friend (who OP sort of knew) who had coincidentally lived there when she was young. OP had refused if I remember correctly and her immediate friend (who had communicated the request) was peeved. Replies were very divided which I couldn't understand.

Another poster made a contribution to that thread about how she had suffered horrendous abuse as a child along with other children at an institution. It had all come out eventually. She, now an adult, used to go and look at the house. One day the owner came out and approached her. He had guessed she was one of the kids and invited her inside to see how it had changed. It was all painted bright colours and various attempts had been made to expel the bad energy. She found it comforting. I thought she was so brave and so generous to share her story.

I think you should let this woman.

When I was grieving heavily for my dad I thought about asking the owners of my childhood home if I could see inside as it was the last place we had lived together as a family. I realised it was too much of an ask as pretty much everyone grieves their parents' death and doesn't ask to barge into private homes.

If you're really an 'expert' you'll know what you have written is inaccurate, whether exposure will help depends entirely on the individual, the circumstances, and where they are in their therapy.

And would not be offering professional or expert advice on the internet to people they've never even met.

I wonder what that woman has done so far to heal? Has she spoken to the abuser? Probably not - straight to somebody's home

It could quite easily taint other people's lives that may be vulnerable to it . Its traumatic information that cannot be easily forgotten. I suffer from PTSD and would never involve other people in my past trauma. Just as others trauma can be triggering to me . Any therapist who suggested this should be reported .

You know of the person writing so far less likely she’s trying to scam you. Her request sounds genuine. Why wouldn’t you help her? It’s not going to cost you but could really help her for the sake of a little of your time.

I'd help.

You dont know what her trauma is. There's no reason it has to "taint" your house and the life you've lived there. Trauma could be all sorts - bullying, self harm due to mental health issues, periods of eating disorders, family bereavements.

All she's done is sent a polite letter. I don't see what's that odd about it.

Yes I would facilitate this - but you shouldn't do anything you are not comfortable with.

Megifer

Ha ha ha. Brilliant. I am an expert. Trained in CBT and EMDR for trauma, also several other models - with 30 plus years experience. There are people with more expertise than me but in terms of the general population - I have expertise. A lot of expertise.

I was sharing a very brief thing about why it would make sense that a therapist might suggest this. I know nothing about the OP, the woman in the letter, the therapist or the stage they have come to in their work.

I do know that facing the things we avoid because they cause us distress/anxiety/disturbance can help if done at the right time in the right way. This therapist and client are responsible for if it’s the right time and how to do it in the right way. Not me. Not you. Not the OP. The OP has a choice to facilitate or not. She could be a really helpful part of this woman’s healing journey.

Surely it would take a lot of courage for her to contact you?

IF it's genuine and she is not some weird stalker who dated your H 20 years ago and is checking him out!

I'd be inclined to ask for the contact details of her therapist so you can be sure that it's a genuine request. And check out the therapist in case the woman just gives you a friend's details.

I would do it. If if your home is a happy place perhaps that will help her. I think it is brave of her to ask.

When DH was a child his dad built a house for them in an area that they lived in for about 4 years. Most of the memories DH has about his childhood, some good and some bad, are from that time. He often refers to it. His Dad left the family a couple of years after they moved away from that area and they haven't had much of a relationship since.
Anyway. a few years ago we were in the same area as that house and we were able to find it. DH knocked on the door and asked if he could take some photos and the owner of the house was fine with that. He would have loved to go in but didn't ask.
It was a very special experience for him and brought backsome of the few good memories he has of his dad,

SerafinasGoose

Read what I’ve written more carefully. No advice given. Just a perspective.

In response, I'd recommend you read your professional ethics.

This really struck a chord with me. I moved away from the house I grew up in under really unhappy circumstances. A few years ago, my brother was visiting from abroad, and we did a drive by of our old neighbourhood. Our old house had a for sale sign outside, and my brother rather brazenly knocked on the door, and told the lovely couple who were selling it who we were. They invited us in, and showed us round. It was such a help seeing it again, and remembering that we’d been happy there until our family fell apart.
I’ve never forgotten their kindness, and if the OP feels that she can help, it might make all the difference to somebody’s life.

No it actually states that most clinicians avoid it . And that research " suggests" . Nothing concrete there. If the therapist I went to suggested this to me I would report them .

I would help her as well. I agree with pp that she's not trying to taint the house, she's thinking of her healing and the letter was polite and explained it well.

SerafinasGoose

You show me what I’ve written that would be a breach. I’ve simply stated that exposure is a valid part of therapy - so the request does make sense. I’ve said that I would - depending on my resource. I’ve said the OP should decide and there is no need for her to do it. I’ve said it could be really healing. Nowhere have I said she should. Nowhere have I said that it will be beneficial. I have shared my personal view, backed up by my professional knowledge. I’m not offering therapeutic advice. So tell me how I’ve breached a code of conduct.

Here is what it actually "actually" says in the abstract for anyone who can't be arsed to click on the link:
Many clinicians avoid site visits due to lack of confidence or practical constraints; however, recent research suggests this is a valuable part of treatment.

I'd say yes.
It's a respectful & genuine letter.
Your 10 mins could make a big difference to her healing.
It doesn't 'taint' your house.

I once bought a house where the owners had died suddenly. Shortly after we moved in, their teenage daughter came hammering on our door, very distressed, saying 'we shouldn't be in her Mum & Dads house'. My then H was all for sending her packing. I took a chance & invited her in for tea & biscuits. She calmed down & came round 2+ times (invited by me). It helped her move on.

If you can, say Yes.

I know the names and addresses of all my friends where I came from. All the parents have died now and new people moved in.
I also know the houses my mates lived at whilst at Uni. Plus whilst renting etc etc
It’s easy

There are people out there up to weird stuff.
Did you see my post about the bogus meter reading guy and the one who wanted access to check my solar panels. All weird. All had the id etc.

You cited your 'expertise' at the start if your post which could lead op into believing you know what you are talking about in this situation (which, of course, you don't) then went on to assert that this is exposure therapy and can help with again absolutely no idea whatsoever of this person's background. You really should have mentioned in your post that, of course, you cannot be certain it would help.

And you're still doing it by saying the op could be helpful. You have no idea if this is the case.

An 'expert', an ethical one anyway, would have made that clear instead of trying to convince op to agree to this.