Received a strange request in the post

[tmreunion]

I received a letter yesterday in the post to the 'current owner'.

We bought our house 15 years ago from a normal family - mum, dad, teenage daughter and younger son. Been very happy here.

I received a letter which reads -

'Dear current owner,

This is a very odd request and I completely understand and respect if you do not feel comfortable with this and therefore, there is no need to respond if that is the case.

I grew up in, what is now, your home. I experienced a lot of trauma in the home and have been working through this for the last few years. I was wondering if I would be able to come and see the house again, as part of my healing. This was suggested to me by my therapist and I feel it would be beneficial. However, as stated, I understand this is an unusual request and my healing is of no importance to a perfect stranger, so please do not feel pressured to agree to this.

If you were to kindly allow this, I would of course expect to be accompanied round the house and this would take no more than ten minutes.

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter and if you would like to contact me my name is 'name' - 'contact number'. If not, I wish you and your family well.

Best wishes,

Name'

I added the number and it is indeed the teenage daughter who was part of the family we bought the house from. She is now in her 30s. I feel really odd about it and almost distrustful. I also don't like the thought that she experienced trauma in our home, almost like she's trying to taint it.

My husband thinks that although it's odd, she is clearly doing some inner work and why wouldn't we help someone who is in need?

What do you think? WIBU to ignore or should I text and feel it out from there?

👏

that's great! I was just correcting the misrepresentation for people who couldn't be arsed to click on the link, as I said, not for the hyper-invested. If it's not about you, it's not about you.

IMO the choice of the verb "could" as opposed to "will" in the posts you were responding to covered the points you've raised perfectly well. I'm not sure why OP needs to know the ins and outs of exactly when this kind of therapy works, given that she's neither client nor therapist in this scenario.

I'd let her heal. It won't harm you.

You sound a little selfish by suggesting that she's trying to 'taint' your house. What would she gain from that??

SerafinasGoose

Again, it is the responsibility of the therapist and client to decide whether or not this would be helpful. It’s not the OPs responsibility to decide that. Not our place to comment on that. With any model of therapy there are multiple aspects that are under debate. It’s a constantly changing and developing field. In this case, the OP is questing the likelihood of this being a genuine request. Based on the fact she has researched this woman and that this CAN be a valid part of the healing process following trauma, it is likely to be a genuine request. My input =

Sounds genuine - my expertise tells me that this CAN be a helpful part of the therapeutic journey.
Being warm and welcoming COULD be very positive for the letter writer.
It would be a very generous and altruistic thing to do though and she’s under no obligation.
If I had the resource then I would do this.

The OP is very aware of the risks. She is being careful. There is very little risk to her.

Again. It’s not the job of this thread to decide on the therapeutic merits of the visit, merely to help the OP decide whether or not she wants to say yes.

Difficult one and kind of depends on the trauma (not that you can ask, of course).
Eating disorder, divorce etc I think I could cope with, but I don't think I want to know about people being physically or sexually abused in my beloved home.

@Drinagh well that's us Brits for you.🙄 It's just a way we protect our vulnerability and death is a pretty hard thing to deal with but not all Brits are like it.

It is an attempt, or can very well be seen or felt as an attempt, to make the OP feel shame and guilt for questioning her own boundaries around this whole scenario. As for your silly "sympathy" comment I can't even respond to that as it doesn't even make any sense.

I hope you do realise what it meant one day.

It's entirely up to you but if it could help her and won't do you any harm I don't know why you don't, it would be nice to think you had helped someone as part of their healing

So stop showing the alleged 'expert' card to try and assure op that you know what you are talking about in this situation. You don't.

I don't get the distrustful feeling, I would want to help. You know who she is and she is not asking to be left alone

Absolutely this. But it IS valuable for her to know when someone's stuffing her up with a crock of BS about the advice of their therapist, as it seems likely the letter-writer in this story is doing.

It's also a useful revelation that various PPs, in the guise of a mantle of the 'expert' are doing likewise on this thread, apparently in an concerted effort to persuade her to 'Be Kind'. Your guess is as good as mine as to why.

I'd want to help, but it sounds dodgy as fuck doesn't it.
You need to ensure this woman is who she says she is, that this is a one off and she'll be accompanied by her therapist.
I'd also want someone else with me in the house before her visit.

Lots of people are saying they'd be ok with it but it's different if you're in the position.

If you want to help, I think some time and a phone call beforehand are a good idea.

I'd do it, but wouldn't want to know what the trauma was, if you've got kids in the house, I'd let her look around while they aren't there, you don't know how she will react and it may freak them out to know there was a previous incident/s in the house.

The OP isn’t in a vulnerable position - she can set the terms. Her DH to be there. For the therapist to be there. To accompany her at all times. She could offer a video link visit. She could ask to talk to the therapist beforehand. Or she can just ignore the letter and go about her business.

People who have experienced trauma are people who have experienced trauma. Nothing more and nothing less. Like ALL people - some might pose a risk. The OP has checked out that this person is who they say they are. She is carefully risk assessing. It’s not our job to risk assess this for the OP. She’s clearly considering it carefully.

That all sound sensible but also seems to require a lot of work from the OP with no benefit to her.

I do think it's unlikely it's a scam - but there's always going to be a small risk it isn't and that risk is all on the OP for again no benefit.

Isn't unreasonable either way. Up to you. I will be kind to you and say that.
You choose who to let into your own home. I get not liking you saying trying to taint because it seems unlikely that is her intention. But she actually might taint it for you. Distress as she goes in a room may make you start thinking oh golly what happened to her there, set your mind racing. You don't owe anyone an explanation as to what could make you feel less comfortable in your own home. There is a reason homes sell for relative pittance after bad things happen in them.

I think others have given great advice for if you agree to a visit eg speaking to the therapist to understand the goal, how this supposedly would help but not her sensitive information, boundaries about what she can say or what she sees. For me, no visit, but would probably not bin the letter and would reply to say sorry to hear, we can't do this, if it's helpful for you to hear the house has changed a lot in the years and we are happy here, we hope you find ways to heal. May even say "All of us at house no. X" at the end as if the house has wished her well. Hope goes well for you.

Of course she is! A woman, a stranger, has contact her with a story of past trauma asking to visit her house. No talk of the therapist visiting. No information about contacting the therapist to verify anything. Allowing a stranger into your home always puts someone into a vulnerable position.
No reputable therapist would EVER encourage their patient to contact a stranger out of the blue, without extensive research and prior contact from the medical professional first. The therapist should be doing the risk assessment before allowing their patient to contact, correspond, engage with this stranger! It is absolutely your job to risk asses for your patient, the environment and all other parties involved!!!! This is a serious safeguarding issue if you think it's ok.

OP would be well within her rights to write to this woman and tell her to fuck off.

Not saying that she should, but plenty of people would.

This is why I refuse to believe that any reputable therapist would suggest it, because the outcome is entirely unpredictable.

Re-visiting the scene usually refers to things like going to the scene of a car accident, or something which happened in a public place. Certainly o therapist should be suggesting that a trauma victim write to the owners of their previous house and ask them to have a look round.

lockedinflavour

Again, I haven’t told the OP what to do but having a nurturing experience in the place where she was traumatised COULD be really healing for the letter writer.

Not the OPs responsibility of course, and doing nothing is completely understandable and fine, and that’s one end of the continuum of actions the OP could take. At the other end is saying yes and being kind and compassionate towards her. A middle ground might be writing back with some kind words and a gentle ‘no’.

As a person suffering from PTSD my opinion is that it is asking way too much. and as a person who has built a gorgeous home that is my safe haven and my happy place that has no dark memories or past ghosts I would say NO my home is filled with light and good and loving memories and it has to stay that way 🙏

Well, that's quite the climb-down.

In your previous post you claimed (disingenuously) that I'd accused you of a breach of your professional code of conduct. I had done no such thing; I'd merely suggested you give it a read.

However, I responded in good faith by outlining in some detail the reasons there were serious ethical implications at play here. Not least, that donning the mantle of the 'expert' in order to advance an unsubstantiated opinion might not necessarily be a breach of a professional code, but it should be clear to anyone this behaviour isn't exactly 'cricket'. There are people with stated PTSD/cPTSD, including me, posting on this thread. Exactly what kind of impression do you think this gives?

Your 'expertise' for sure doesn't extend to deciding whether or not the request in this letter is genuine. You can in no way know this, any more than I can; nor can you know whether the letter-writer is being honest. In terms of what they've allegedly been told by their therapist, I'd be gobsmacked if they were. You, however, have claimed an authority on making this very strange judgement call.

IMO, this is a significant lapse of judgement.

As to the peer-reviewed literature, interesting that this contestation is only being made now I've actively brought it up. Before this, what you posted was a fairly supercilious variation on the theme that you are the expert, therefore you know best.

And your response contains not a word on the dubious question of ethics that you yourself raised in the first place, and to which I originally responded.

I find that very interesting.

No way. Sounds extremely sus.

OP would be well within her rights to write to this woman and tell her to fuck off.

(Not saying that she should, but plenty of people would.(

Only a very tiny minority of absolute fucking psychos would do that, surely. Not "plenty of people." I'd hate to live in your neighbourhood! And I guess there's always a small risk of running into a psycho wherever you go in the world, therapists can't protect their clients from that risk, just help them develop the resilience to deal with it if it happens.

Given that the girl is alive and writing letters, it’s unlikely that it’s a murder house that makes it ‘tainted’.
For me, the ‘no’ is because I have a young child and, yes, the thought of her sleeping in a bedroom where something terrible may have been happening to another little girl years before is just something I can’t think about for too long. So, no, I’d completely steer clear of bringing any of that knowledge into my home. Things just hit a little differently when you become a parent and my home is our safe-space.