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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Received a strange request in the post

596 replies

tmreunion · 02/11/2023 11:36

I received a letter yesterday in the post to the 'current owner'.

We bought our house 15 years ago from a normal family - mum, dad, teenage daughter and younger son. Been very happy here.

I received a letter which reads -

'Dear current owner,

This is a very odd request and I completely understand and respect if you do not feel comfortable with this and therefore, there is no need to respond if that is the case.

I grew up in, what is now, your home. I experienced a lot of trauma in the home and have been working through this for the last few years. I was wondering if I would be able to come and see the house again, as part of my healing. This was suggested to me by my therapist and I feel it would be beneficial. However, as stated, I understand this is an unusual request and my healing is of no importance to a perfect stranger, so please do not feel pressured to agree to this.

If you were to kindly allow this, I would of course expect to be accompanied round the house and this would take no more than ten minutes.

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter and if you would like to contact me my name is 'name' - 'contact number'. If not, I wish you and your family well.

Best wishes,

Name'

I added the number and it is indeed the teenage daughter who was part of the family we bought the house from. She is now in her 30s. I feel really odd about it and almost distrustful. I also don't like the thought that she experienced trauma in our home, almost like she's trying to taint it.

My husband thinks that although it's odd, she is clearly doing some inner work and why wouldn't we help someone who is in need?

What do you think? WIBU to ignore or should I text and feel it out from there?

OP posts:
Chickenkeev · 02/11/2023 13:24

That's made me choke up 😳

elliejjtiny · 02/11/2023 13:24

I have had these requests quite a few times. I always say yes if they ask beforehand. We get some people knock on the door without notice but I usually say no to them because I would rather tidy up before a stranger comes into my house.

AppleWax · 02/11/2023 13:24

If I had this request I wouldn’t agree to it. My home is my safe place for my family and me.

KingsleyBorder · 02/11/2023 13:26

elliejjtiny · 02/11/2023 13:24

I have had these requests quite a few times. I always say yes if they ask beforehand. We get some people knock on the door without notice but I usually say no to them because I would rather tidy up before a stranger comes into my house.

“quite a few times”? Do you live in Fred West’s old house?

comeondover · 02/11/2023 13:26

A good friend of mine did exactly this. The time frame was longer. She did find it a powerful healing experience and a major factor in that was being taken seriously by the present occupant. The affirmation that what had happened was wrong.

She's not trying to taint your home. What would be the benefit to her of doing that? I can imagine it might be upsetting to you to hear bad things have happened in your home before you lived there, but it doesn't change your experience living there. Your family life is your family life.

You're in a position where you can help someone who's had a horrible time, and it will cost you nothing. If you feel mistrustful, you could reply and ask for her therapist's details and corroborate. You should be able to check the therapist is legit.

CherryCokeFanatic · 02/11/2023 13:28

I’d sell up and move. Let next owner deal with it. House feels tainted

MangoAF · 02/11/2023 13:28

Five years ago I would have done but I’m less and less inclined now to deal with others people’s stuff. This is your home where your kids are happy and safe and I wouldn’t want to let her trauma in I’m afraid, although deepest sympathies to her of course.

ChickHenLittle · 02/11/2023 13:28

I wouldn't, I'd put the letter in the recycling bin and forget about it.
It's your choice, don't feel bad if you don't want to agree to it, there's no requirement to respond.

Westfacing · 02/11/2023 13:28

Assuming there really is a therapist, this person should have contacted the OP first to see if a visit was possible before suggesting it to the client.

It's not like visiting an old area, school or place of work - this is someone's home and the OP has now been lumbered with a dilemma about a problem which has nothing to do with her.

Crocadoodledoo · 02/11/2023 13:28

That uneasy feeling in your gut is the feeling of your boundaries being tested, OP. I’d listen to it.

And to those saying you’re being selfish - well, selfishness can sometimes be a very valuable self-preservation tool, especially when it comes to your own private space. Your MH and that of your family is no less important than this woman’s.

TentChristmas · 02/11/2023 13:29

I don’t know if I could. And the house is going to look nothing like when she lived there. The possession are different and I assume you’ve decorated since. Possible changed the layout/kitchen/bathroom etc.

Folklore9074 · 02/11/2023 13:29

You should do what you feel comfortable with. I don’t think there is a reasonable or unreasonable here. Personally I would probably say yes, arrange for a time when the children will be out of the house, be clear about the length of time the person can be there. I’d probably not want any details about what had happened. The past is the past. But for me if I there was a chance to help someone then I would. I don’t think it’s wrong if you’d prefer not to though.

NettleTea · 02/11/2023 13:30

I did do this. And the fact that the house was obviously very different, and a much loved and loving family was living in the house, actually helped the person greatly and allowed him to move forward greatly in his healing journey.

It hasnt tained my home. I felt sad that he had experienced bad stuff, but it wasn't the house's fault, and I love my home.

It cost me nothing - well 15 mins of my time, but it went a very very long way in helping this guy, who is now a friend, to recover from a horrifically abusive childhood

JudgeJ · 02/11/2023 13:30

Youremylobster87 · 02/11/2023 11:41

I would think she is genuinely trying to overcome her trauma and let her into the house accompanied.

I too would let her come accompanied but I would also want to be accompanied myself if I were usually alone in the house.

FrancoPizza · 02/11/2023 13:31

I think this is the op who wants to send this letter and it's a reverse. I feel this excuse for healing is guilting and nonsense therapy. I do feel it's a scam in that you don't actually need to see it to heal. She might be someone malicious looking to buy the house. A sim card is easily obtained and the name could be fake, it proves nothing.
Her letter already tainted the home. I would be angry at her audacity and selfishness, she has in effect tainted the house.

Scoobyblue · 02/11/2023 13:31

I would let her come round but would specify that I don't want to hear the details of the trauma that she's been through. It's not going to taint your house and you could help someone in need.

JesusAndMaryPain · 02/11/2023 13:31

Visiting the trauma site is a really important part of therapy for PTSD. Ots called a "site visit" and you do it when youre majing good progress with the memory work. IMO If you can, you should. If your DH is keen to help, why not let him do it and you stay out of the way?

I appreciate its a strange request but imagine if this was you sister or friend-would you like to think someone would help?

NettleTea · 02/11/2023 13:32

and equally I went to visit my early childhood home - where nothing bad had happened, but I just wanted to look at it - and the owners spotted me looking at the outside and invited me in.

GirrlCrush · 02/11/2023 13:32

@Thedm

I'm in no way afraid of men. Couldn't care less if I'm on my own walking with one behind me either

But mumsnet is mumsnet

And they are vile about men here....I bet attitudes would change swiftly if the profile pic had been male

EngivitaOnToast · 02/11/2023 13:32

Most homes are "tainted" something horrendous that has happened in them. You could look at it the other way around. She is letting bad stuff go about your house. Sounds like she'll be more likely to think positive thoughts after her visit.
It's a respectful letter, she has absolutely made it clear you are perfectly fine saying no.

Megifer · 02/11/2023 13:34

People are so naive about PTSD and trauma. It doesn't matter if this therapist is legit. This person clearly has some pretty significant issues and this could go so disastrously wrong.

Imagine if in the quest to feel good about being The One Who Healed When Even a Therapist Couldn't this person went and did something horrific. I'd rather risk maybe feeling a tiny bit guilty for 2 minutes than regret it because she has some sort of flashback that sets her way back, or worse.

Just no. Step away, let go of the God Complex, and let the actual professionals do their job just in case a bad situation is made 100 times worse in a very misguided attempt at 'being kind'.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/11/2023 13:35

Gifflon · 02/11/2023 12:53

I’d ask if her therapist could get in touch with you too, so it’s official.

@tmreunion

This is exactly what I'd want to do. Except I'd want to contact the therapist directly rather than have someone purporting to be the therapist call me (I'm very suspicious, I know).

I'd want to know if the therapist did indeed suggest it themselves or if this is something this person has suggested and the therapist said "If you think it would help". I'd also want an assurance from this person that this will be a 'one and done' visit with no further contact.

I understand wanting to help someone through a trauma, but I'd want to go into it with my eyes as open as possible.

LadyRoughDiamond · 02/11/2023 13:36

In the nicest possible way, it’s not about you.

gannett · 02/11/2023 13:37

Crocadoodledoo · 02/11/2023 13:28

That uneasy feeling in your gut is the feeling of your boundaries being tested, OP. I’d listen to it.

And to those saying you’re being selfish - well, selfishness can sometimes be a very valuable self-preservation tool, especially when it comes to your own private space. Your MH and that of your family is no less important than this woman’s.

A 10-minute visit is not actually going to harm the OP's mental health or that of her family though.

Paranoia about other people's intentions combined with an "I'm alright Jack" approach to them is not a great look. You'd think that this woman being a scammer who will steal your possessions and shit on your floors (metaphorically or otherwise) is a near certainty rather than very distant possibility.

What if this, what if that. Or what if the OP turns her down and is racked with guilt about that?

Do due diligence if you want, like meeting beforehand or talking on the phone. Definitely suggest she might want to bring a friend for emotional support. But this is one of those things which would barely affect me, but might mean the world to her. Why wouldn't I do it?

FrancoPizza · 02/11/2023 13:37

Of course she'll say it's fine if you decline, it's just polite nonsense obligatory fluff that people usually say but dont really mean. The damage is already done, she essentially made it difficult to refuse and implanted the thoughts of abuse. of course bad things happen in used preowned homes but when you have someone ask to see if for previous trauma and you have their name, it opens pandoras box.