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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Received a strange request in the post

596 replies

tmreunion · 02/11/2023 11:36

I received a letter yesterday in the post to the 'current owner'.

We bought our house 15 years ago from a normal family - mum, dad, teenage daughter and younger son. Been very happy here.

I received a letter which reads -

'Dear current owner,

This is a very odd request and I completely understand and respect if you do not feel comfortable with this and therefore, there is no need to respond if that is the case.

I grew up in, what is now, your home. I experienced a lot of trauma in the home and have been working through this for the last few years. I was wondering if I would be able to come and see the house again, as part of my healing. This was suggested to me by my therapist and I feel it would be beneficial. However, as stated, I understand this is an unusual request and my healing is of no importance to a perfect stranger, so please do not feel pressured to agree to this.

If you were to kindly allow this, I would of course expect to be accompanied round the house and this would take no more than ten minutes.

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter and if you would like to contact me my name is 'name' - 'contact number'. If not, I wish you and your family well.

Best wishes,

Name'

I added the number and it is indeed the teenage daughter who was part of the family we bought the house from. She is now in her 30s. I feel really odd about it and almost distrustful. I also don't like the thought that she experienced trauma in our home, almost like she's trying to taint it.

My husband thinks that although it's odd, she is clearly doing some inner work and why wouldn't we help someone who is in need?

What do you think? WIBU to ignore or should I text and feel it out from there?

OP posts:
HikingforScenery · 02/11/2023 13:37

I’d let her

GirrlCrush · 02/11/2023 13:38

LadyRoughDiamond · 02/11/2023 13:36

In the nicest possible way, it’s not about you.

It her home.....and her families too

So yes, it absolutely IS about the op.

The op and her family are more important than this stranger in this scenario

Dinoswearunderpants · 02/11/2023 13:40

I'd like to know what therapist is suggesting a clearly vulnerable person to ask to visit a strangers home. So much safeguarding issues here.

FrancoPizza · 02/11/2023 13:40

Megifer · 02/11/2023 13:34

People are so naive about PTSD and trauma. It doesn't matter if this therapist is legit. This person clearly has some pretty significant issues and this could go so disastrously wrong.

Imagine if in the quest to feel good about being The One Who Healed When Even a Therapist Couldn't this person went and did something horrific. I'd rather risk maybe feeling a tiny bit guilty for 2 minutes than regret it because she has some sort of flashback that sets her way back, or worse.

Just no. Step away, let go of the God Complex, and let the actual professionals do their job just in case a bad situation is made 100 times worse in a very misguided attempt at 'being kind'.

exactly, she might come in and have a breakdown or gets violent or whatever.
She could get over it without seeing the house again. It's not like this is the only way she could 'heal'.

Moonlightdust · 02/11/2023 13:41

I am sure there was once another thread on here by someone who received the same letter in the post - very similar wording! I can’t remember when this was, last year perhaps? So I would be wary if I were you.

FrancoPizza · 02/11/2023 13:43

People saying they did this or that, we don't know if it actually happened as people can make up stories online so I'm very sceptical how this thread suddenly attracted so many who had this experience(!). I agree this is a personal decision and isn't as simple as being mean or kind. Whether you can cope with letting them in or not doesn't make you a better or worse person.

emmetgirl · 02/11/2023 13:43

I think I'd say yes to this

FrancoPizza · 02/11/2023 13:44

Moonlightdust · 02/11/2023 13:41

I am sure there was once another thread on here by someone who received the same letter in the post - very similar wording! I can’t remember when this was, last year perhaps? So I would be wary if I were you.

I rememeber it too and i also remember a poster saying how would we feel if someone sent us this letter because they had a trauma and want to see their old house...so the fact op hasnt come back is interesting.

jupitermonket · 02/11/2023 13:46

NigelHarmansNewWife · 02/11/2023 11:42

I don't think I would. You can choose to take the letter at face value or they may be something else going on.

What else might be going on?

cardibach · 02/11/2023 13:47

Cosmosforbreakfast · 02/11/2023 12:18

This is a very bizarre thing for a therapist to suggest.

Even if this girl is who she says she is, there's no guarantee she's not some sort of scammer. What if you did agree? Supposing that 10 min visit wasn't enough and her therapist suggests another visit and another and another......

I would just bin the letter and forget about it.

What if she does? Say no to anymore. I mean, she knows where the house is - if she was going to make a nuisance of herself she could anyway. She hasn’t shown any inclination to.
I’m not sure what I would do if I’m honest, but this is a strange reason to say no.

SerafinasGoose · 02/11/2023 13:47

GirrlCrush · 02/11/2023 13:32

@Thedm

I'm in no way afraid of men. Couldn't care less if I'm on my own walking with one behind me either

But mumsnet is mumsnet

And they are vile about men here....I bet attitudes would change swiftly if the profile pic had been male

Must everything be made about men? Even threads which have nothing whatsoever to do with them?

The Force is strong with this one, eh.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 02/11/2023 13:48

I would let her come in. It's a very respectful message and sounds like it would help her a lot
I had similar from a grandson of a local war veteran who had lived in my house
He was most interested in the views out of the windows which tallied with the photos in a book written about his GF

Folklore9074 · 02/11/2023 13:49

@FrancoPizza a lot of negative things must have happened to you for you to be able to assume such ill intent on the basis of so little.

A malicious person looking to buy the house is pretty outlandish and unlikely to get very far!

Agree the OP does not need to agree to this but I don’t think this is a reverse or malicious.

MsRosley · 02/11/2023 13:49

I'd help her. Just make sure you have someone else around, like your DH. Poor girl.

Moonlightdust · 02/11/2023 13:49

FrancoPizza · 02/11/2023 13:44

I rememeber it too and i also remember a poster saying how would we feel if someone sent us this letter because they had a trauma and want to see their old house...so the fact op hasnt come back is interesting.

Show quote history

I’m glad someone else remembered it!
Obviously not nice for the person who suffered the trauma (if genuine) but also feel a bit sorry for OP as it’s not nice being told your house you’ve lived happily in suffered traumatic events in!

Gifflon · 02/11/2023 13:50

@tmreunion

I agree with @Dinoswearunderpants

It sounds unlikely that a therapist would recommend that a patient asks to visit a stranger’s house. Safeguarding and data protection are key issues in any health care training - so I don’t think a therapist would suggest that a patient writes such a personal letter or advises them to go inside a house where they don’t know the occupants.

I’d reply and ask for the therapist to get in touch with you directly.

Ktime · 02/11/2023 13:51

I also don't like the thought that she experienced trauma in our home, almost like she's trying to taint it.

Well done for making her trauma all about you.

Newgreendress · 02/11/2023 13:51

I have googled steps to heal from abuse - nothing comes up with 'visit the place where you were abused' Once again, the trauma is in the head, not place - her siblings might have been very happy there, so I don't see the point visiting

pumpykins · 02/11/2023 13:51

I would help her

Caravaggiouch · 02/11/2023 13:51

You don’t have to agree if you don’t want to. And I don’t think I would. But the idea she’s deliberately trying to taint your experience of your home is a bizarre reach. This is clearly a “her” thing, it’s not remotely about you.

Figgygal · 02/11/2023 13:51

Strange way to make this about you in some way op "tainting your house" indeed .
Yes its an odd request but I would allow it

SerafinasGoose · 02/11/2023 13:53

Crocadoodledoo · 02/11/2023 13:28

That uneasy feeling in your gut is the feeling of your boundaries being tested, OP. I’d listen to it.

And to those saying you’re being selfish - well, selfishness can sometimes be a very valuable self-preservation tool, especially when it comes to your own private space. Your MH and that of your family is no less important than this woman’s.

This is the single most important post on this thread, @tmreunion. I'd really recommend you act on @Crocadoodledoo's advice.

Londonrach1 · 02/11/2023 13:55

I would. One of my childhood friends can't come and visited her childhood town due to how an ex boyfriend treated her in the town. Her poor elderly parents have to travel to meet or meet her outside the town.

Londonrach1 · 02/11/2023 13:55

I would. One of my childhood friends can't come and visited her childhood town due to how an ex boyfriend treated her in the town. Her poor elderly parents have to travel to meet or meet her outside the town.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 02/11/2023 13:56

We bought our house 15 years ago from a normal family - mum, dad, teenage daughter and younger son. Been very happy here.

Or not. Why are you so sure about that?

Her letter is respectful and polite.

I personally would want probably want to help her. But I would be fairly cautious, make it clear that this was a one time thing and inform her that you would not leave her unsupervised and that you do not want to know anything about her past / her traumatic experiences.
Make sure that you aren´t home alone if she were to visit.

It is however perfectly acceptable (and maybe better) to say no.
You comment about her trying to "taint" the house seems very odd (and admittedly rather unkind) to me...