AIBU to not do more cleaning?

[Cleaningtroubles]

Really don't know who is BU here, me or DH.

I'm waiting for an apology but maybe its me that should be apologising. Sorry this is long.

We had an argument last night over cleaning the house. I was in bed watching TV and DH was mad because he said the house is filthy. It's more cluttered than filthy but I said 'I know, we tidied the playroom today and I'm going to do the rest over the next few days' - because I actually have a few days off work for once.

This wasn't a good enough answer and he proceeded to go on for 3 hours about how untidy the house is and how I can't keep anything clean. I tried to sleep in a different room and he wouldn't let me.

He got our oldest DS up out of bed and walked him around the house showing him how the house is filthy.

So you can help me decide who's BU, here's how I live my life:

• DH leaves for work at 6.30.

• I get up between 6&6.30, get myself and kids ready, ensure they have everything they need, 5 minute tidy of kitchen if I have time, get the kids to childminder and start work at 8am. Either wfh or drive to office 2 days a week which is an hour each way.

• Work from 8-4.15, high pressure job which melts my head. Work straight through lunch every day so that I don't have to do overtime in evenings.

• Collect kids, ensure they do homework. Make dinner, make lunches for next day, clean the kitchen while dinner is cooking/after dinner. Ensure the kids have the right clothes they need for school the next day.

• DH is in at 6.30, sit with him while he has his dinner to chat about the day.

• Watch TV for 30 mins.

• Get kids ready and into bed at 7.30.

• Crash myself because by that time I am exhausted.

Cleaning I do every day:

Kitchen fully cleaned including floors.

Toilet and sink cleaned. Also clean the bath if it's used.

Washing clothes.

The kids ensure their room and playroom is kept tidy.

Clean up DHs rubbish that he leaves around the place eg cups, plates, dirty socks.

DH then works at the weekend doing his second job (which is a choice not a necessity) so I'm left with DC all weekend to take them to their sports, do food shopping and other weekly jobs. Every Sunday morning, the full house gets hoovered/mopped (I sweep it during the week) and I put away all the laundry that's built up over the week.

I've suffered from depression for the last few years and some weeks I struggle to even get out of bed so feel like I physically and mentally can't do any more cleaning.

So AIBU here, should I be doing more? I woke up this morning feeling shit. I had planned to de clutter over next few days while off work and now don't even want to.

Bloomin heck that was a long post

he woke up his son to take him through the house? How old is your son

either way. Living in a dirty messy house is unpleasant for everyone. But ultimately - it isn’t just your responsibility: that’s daft.

the marriage sounds rotten to the core

He's an arsehole and a bully. What an utter bastard.

He’s an abusive bully.

His behaviour is abusive. Above all, I am horrified by what he did to your son.

If you are doing all the cleaning that you say you are doing, in addition to your job and the childcare, this distribution of labour in your household is unbalanced.

In your position I would be working out my exit strategy.

You must be a fairly high income family. Get a cleaner

but if I were you - I’d be looking in to family solicitors

^Cleaning I do every day:

Kitchen fully cleaned including floors.

Toilet and sink cleaned. Also clean the bath if it's used.

Washing clothes.

The kids ensure their room and playroom is kept tidy.

Clean up DHs rubbish that he leaves around the place eg cups, plates, dirty socks^

That's an insane amount of cleaning. Kitchen floors shouldn't need cleaning every day, neither should bathrooms and your DH shouldn't need cleaning up after like that.

How much cleaning does he do? How much childcare?

But I suspect there's a lot more to this because only someone worn down by years of abuse could possibly think that they need to be cleaning more than what you're already doing.

Above all, I am horrified by what he did to your son.

yes - this is the worst detail

He sounds horrible

He's a revolting specimen.

Sorry but I stopped reading here:

He got our oldest DS up out of bed and walked him around the house showing him how the house is filthy.

WTF. Surely if he thinks it's that untidy he should, I don't know, tidy it up??? That would have been a much more productive use of three hours.

It sounds to me like you are depressed because your husband seems to think you are a hired maid (and I would be livid at my husband if we hired a cleaner and he spoke to them like that.)

So he spent 3 hours moaning...if it's that bad why didn't he spend the time cleaning. Some men really really live in the dark ages.

I'm a man and I am feeling guilty that I did the cleaning I usually do on a Thursday yesterday! My wife works more than me as I am retiring and so I do all the cleaning. I have always done the cooking and ironing. She used to manage the washing but I am doing that now two. You work as a team and muck in

It sounds horribly abusive - you both work full time.
What he did to your son was awful.
I suspect your depression may be linked to your home circumstances.

He's an abusive arsehole, your poor child. I suspect you already know this, so what are you going to do about it to get you and your children away from this utter fuckwit? What else does he do to make you feel like shit?

Either you have been ground down by years of abuse and depression

or

you are a martyr of massive magnitude

i suspect that it is the former

You feel guilty because you did the cleaning yesterday instead of today? 😐

You and he should be sitting down to have an equal discussion about how the jobs around the house get shared out and when they get done. You both work so it’s not a question of it being just ‘your’ job.

Your husband sounds like a dick. If mine behaved like that, I’d tell him to fuck off and clean the house himself if it bothered him so much. You’re not his housekeeper or servant.

Your husband is a bully! How dare he wake the child to march him around the house to try and belittle his mother!
I'd of tidied up alright!! First by packing his bags

@Elvis1956 so you do all the

cooking
cleaning
laundry
ironing
?

So you are working full time and doing all the cleaning, washing, shopping, food prep, child related stuff? He leaves his rubbish everywhere and chooses to be out of the house every weekend?
That sounds very unfair and he sounds like a bully.
Dragging your child out of bed is just nasty.
I would be getting legal advice.
I think your depression will get a lot better if you leave him.

Getting a child out of bed to show them how messy the house is - this isn’t on. I’d be asking him how much cleaning he’s done lately. What do you mean he wouldn’t let you sleep in another room?

Next time he mentions the house needs cleaning ask him 'when are you cleaning it then?'
Never be defensive because it's not solely your responsibility.
You're doing so much. He weds to know this. Print off a list of everything you've daube into a daily basis compared to what he has done and ask him how this is fair.

He's an utter arsehole for getting his son up.

This doesn’t have anything to do with the state of the house and has everything to do with the fact that he is an abusive prick.
Probably does the weekend job so he can opt out of family life and blame you for the fact that the house is not clean enough. It is all about control
If he is so bothered, why can’t he get off his arse and clean up?
Tbh, you sound exhausted Op. You really need to take care of your mental health or you will not be in the position to look after yourself or your children.
Tbh, I would be working towards an exit strategy

It sounds like he doesn’t do any cleaning and you also work full time, is that correct?

What always strikes me about these threads is how the hell does the husband remotely think it’s fair? Or do they really not care?

Get a spreadsheet and list 15 min blocks and do a typical schedule for him and you and let him see the difference and ask why he thinks that’s okay?

I would stop cooking dinner for him and doing any of his laundry.

Also he’s not a good role model for your son.

My son may have moaned and groaned about doing his fair share of cleaning (he had his own bathroom and games room upstairs) from a young age but now he’s at Uni he appreciates the life lesson and he can see just how filthy a lot of his flat mates are because they have no inclination to look after themselves. Your husband sounds like this why not clean in the three hours he was moaning? Sorry but your DH is entitled.

HE is massively in the wrong.

HE is abusive to you & your children.

You are so ground down by him you can't see it & are, at least partly, thinking it's you because he's abused you for so long.

you need to get him out. Speak to Womens Aid TODAY & let them help you.

none of this is LIVE it's ABUSE