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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not do more cleaning?

137 replies

Cleaningtroubles · 02/11/2023 07:38

Really don't know who is BU here, me or DH.

I'm waiting for an apology but maybe its me that should be apologising. Sorry this is long.

We had an argument last night over cleaning the house. I was in bed watching TV and DH was mad because he said the house is filthy. It's more cluttered than filthy but I said 'I know, we tidied the playroom today and I'm going to do the rest over the next few days' - because I actually have a few days off work for once.

This wasn't a good enough answer and he proceeded to go on for 3 hours about how untidy the house is and how I can't keep anything clean. I tried to sleep in a different room and he wouldn't let me.

He got our oldest DS up out of bed and walked him around the house showing him how the house is filthy.

So you can help me decide who's BU, here's how I live my life:

  • DH leaves for work at 6.30.
  • I get up between 6&6.30, get myself and kids ready, ensure they have everything they need, 5 minute tidy of kitchen if I have time, get the kids to childminder and start work at 8am. Either wfh or drive to office 2 days a week which is an hour each way.
  • Work from 8-4.15, high pressure job which melts my head. Work straight through lunch every day so that I don't have to do overtime in evenings.
  • Collect kids, ensure they do homework. Make dinner, make lunches for next day, clean the kitchen while dinner is cooking/after dinner. Ensure the kids have the right clothes they need for school the next day.
  • DH is in at 6.30, sit with him while he has his dinner to chat about the day.
  • Watch TV for 30 mins.
  • Get kids ready and into bed at 7.30.
  • Crash myself because by that time I am exhausted.

Cleaning I do every day:

Kitchen fully cleaned including floors.

Toilet and sink cleaned. Also clean the bath if it's used.

Washing clothes.

The kids ensure their room and playroom is kept tidy.

Clean up DHs rubbish that he leaves around the place eg cups, plates, dirty socks.

DH then works at the weekend doing his second job (which is a choice not a necessity) so I'm left with DC all weekend to take them to their sports, do food shopping and other weekly jobs. Every Sunday morning, the full house gets hoovered/mopped (I sweep it during the week) and I put away all the laundry that's built up over the week.

I've suffered from depression for the last few years and some weeks I struggle to even get out of bed so feel like I physically and mentally can't do any more cleaning.

So AIBU here, should I be doing more? I woke up this morning feeling shit. I had planned to de clutter over next few days while off work and now don't even want to.

OP posts:
Sandpitnotmoshpit · 02/11/2023 07:58

This is absolutely ridiculous, I'm sorry your husband is so horrible to you. You work full time! DH and I both work full time normally (i am on maternity leave at the moment) and we have a cleaner. All other jobs are shared through the week or at the weekend - cooking, washing etc.

Waking your son up to show him mess is deranged. Another one suggesting your depression may be linked to your horrible husband and being exhausted by doing far too much for everyone.

Minfilia · 02/11/2023 07:59

So why didn’t he tidy and clean himself?

Nasty little man

Lochness1975 · 02/11/2023 08:00

What a twat you are married too. Does he have any redeeming features?

AuntieDolly · 02/11/2023 08:00

That is ridiculous. Get rid of him and it will be less work/stress for you. You're doing it all anyway and being shouted at for it!

flaxentoad · 02/11/2023 08:01

I didn't even read your schedule, sorry, because I don't believe that's even the real problem here. Reading the beginning of your post was enough for me to know that your husband is a controlling bully.

This wasn't a good enough answer and he proceeded to go on for 3 hours about how untidy the house is and how I can't keep anything clean.

How DARE he lecture you like a child for THREE HOURS?!

I tried to sleep in a different room and he wouldn't let me.

Wouldn't "let" you? What form did this take? Barricading the door? Bodily restraining you?

This is all completely out of order. A civilised discussion about the housework and asking you if you are having problems/need help would have been perfectly okay, but THREE HOURS of being berated and being told where you can sleep, I'm afraid that has crossed a line.

theduchessofspork · 02/11/2023 08:02

Harella · 02/11/2023 07:44

He’s an abusive bully.

This.

And to your son.

Do you want to stay with him?

Nothanksthanksanyway · 02/11/2023 08:02

He should have just spent the 3 hours cleaning and tidying rather than shouting. He sounds like a dickhead tbh.

Im feeling petty today, so if I were you I’d do nothing for the next few days and then let him see how much is usually done!

flaxentoad · 02/11/2023 08:03

He got our oldest DS up out of bed and walked him around the house showing him how the house is filthy.

Trying to turn your son against you perhaps? This is just awful, awful behaviour.

Please also think that your DH is modelling this behaviour for your son. One day your son will be a teen and may also treat you like a skivvy to be lectured for hours if things don't measure up to his rules.

jeaux90 · 02/11/2023 08:03

Get a cleaner and a divorce.

He sounds bloody awful OP.

I'm a lone parent work full time in a hard job, I have a cleaner and a very peaceful life without a nob like your DH in it.

margotrose · 02/11/2023 08:04

He's abusive.

C8H10N4O2 · 02/11/2023 08:05

Clean up DHs rubbish that he leaves around the place eg cups, plates, dirty socks

Or you and the children march him around the house pointing out his disgusting mess.

DH then works at the weekend doing his second job (which is a choice not a necessity) so I'm left with DC all weekend to take them to their sports, do food shopping and other weekly jobs. Every Sunday morning, the full house gets hoovered/mopped (I sweep it during the week) and I put away all the laundry that's built up over the week

So you work full time equivalent, do all the childcare and household management whilst Mr Big Bully swans in after his 9-5 and treats you like the house slave?

Of course you are depressed. I can't think of anyone who wouldn't be after putting up with this year in and year out. What keeps you in this relationship where not only are you being misused but he is teaching your children that this is how women in relationships should expect to be treated?

Fallenangelofthenorth · 02/11/2023 08:06

How dare he! Think how much HE could have achieved in the 3 hours he spent berating you? And waking his own child up to show him how very slovenly his own mother on is highly abusive. Your husband is living the life of riley isn't he? While you run yourself ragged.

Clearspring1 · 02/11/2023 08:07

Are you coming back OP?

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 02/11/2023 08:09

Are you happy?

flaxentoad · 02/11/2023 08:09

Fallenangelofthenorth · 02/11/2023 08:06

How dare he! Think how much HE could have achieved in the 3 hours he spent berating you? And waking his own child up to show him how very slovenly his own mother on is highly abusive. Your husband is living the life of riley isn't he? While you run yourself ragged.

And waking his own child up to show him how very slovenly his own mother on is highly abusive.

Absolutely! How stressful for your DS. Losing sleep and getting put in the middle of an argument between Mum and Dad. Being pushed to "pick a side". Being trained to judge his mother and find her wanting.

This is shocking and abusive.

Gnomegnomegnome · 02/11/2023 08:09

if he had three hours to moan he had three hours to clean.

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 02/11/2023 08:10

Clearspring1 · 02/11/2023 08:07

Are you coming back OP?

Probably trying to clean before she takes kids to child minders. Hopefully she's packing his bag for him to fuck off

Notnowbernard63 · 02/11/2023 08:10

If you throw out the man child you’ll have less housework to do!

As a minimum I wouldn’t be doing anything for ‘D’P. No picking up, cooking etv

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 02/11/2023 08:11

Even if you were a stay at home parent with hours of free time to clean every day, his behaviour is unacceptable:

Leaving his stuff everywhere for you to pick up is never OK
Not letting you sleep where you want is never ok
Shouting at you for hours is never OK
Getting your child out of bed to teach them that it's OK to shout at mummy and the housework is solely mummy's job is absolutely disgusting

He is abusive and you need to leave. This is not remotely normal

wildwestpioneer · 02/11/2023 08:11

He's a bully and an arsehole

He's perfectly capable of cleaning the house himself and has more than enough time to do so

Utterly abusive behaviour towards your ds to get him up and out of bed to walk him round the house to berate him about cleaning.

Tbh there's no way I'd do any of his washing or cooking from now onwards the lazy, controlling bully

AgnesX · 02/11/2023 08:12

Gnomegnomegnome · 02/11/2023 08:09

if he had three hours to moan he had three hours to clean.

This. If he doesn't like it he can pull his finger out and do it himself.

And the weekend job sounds like a right cop out family wise. What does he do with the money??

Alargeoneplease89 · 02/11/2023 08:12

Seriously I would be annoyed that he spent 3 hours moaning, when he could of just tidied up if he was that bothered.

Maybe his second job could pay for a cleaner. I would stop picking up and tidying up after him- he's a grown adult and you aren't his mum/maid.

Not sure if I read it properly but if you work 2 days a week then on the other 3 days the house should be tidier.

Looking at your update- if doesn't even sound that dirty! Please leave this asshole, he is gaslighting you.

Original poster
Cleaningtroubles · 02/11/2023 08:12

Thanks everyone. I have noticed this year that when he does this it puts me into a downward spiral mentally but I then turn it around and blame myself thinking I am wrong.

DS is 11. I felt like he was trying to turn him against me and thought that was the final straw. I told DH I will never sleep in the same bed as him again and won't talk to him. I went to sleep on the couch but he wouldn't let me fall asleep there in case I 'do something stupid' - playing the MH card against me there.

The things he showed DS last night are - an empty flower pot of odd bits on the kitchen work top. The dishwasher was not turned on (dh had dinner last and put his plate in last so he should have turned it on) and the bathroom sink had some toothpaste on it. I cleaned the sink during the day yesterday then DC brushed their teeth before bed - it will be 5yo that left the mess there. That will be cleaned today with todays bathroom clean.

I need to leave. Thanks for helping me realise I am not crazy.

OP posts:
Whalewatchers · 02/11/2023 08:13

If he doesn't HAVE to work at the weekend, he can leave that employment and do his fair share around the house if it's not up to his high standards!

THisbackwithavengeance · 02/11/2023 08:13

You say you clean everyday OP. I certainly don't clean half as much as you do and I wouldn't even describe my house as unclean or untidy.

So I don't understand your DH's beef?

But it doesn't even matter if the house was actually clean and your DH is being a cleanfreak knob or whether it was something out of Kim & Aggie, your DH has no right at all to expect you to do all the cleaning when you both work FT and you do the kids as well.

And to get your DS out of bed? Words fail me.

What a deeply unpleasant, weird and controlling man he sounds.

I actually think you would be fully justified in divorcing him.

If you don't LTB, then I would be stopping cleaning from now on and go on strike. See how he likes that. He can do it himself or employ a cleaner.