AIBU to not do more cleaning?

[Cleaningtroubles]

Really don't know who is BU here, me or DH.

I'm waiting for an apology but maybe its me that should be apologising. Sorry this is long.

We had an argument last night over cleaning the house. I was in bed watching TV and DH was mad because he said the house is filthy. It's more cluttered than filthy but I said 'I know, we tidied the playroom today and I'm going to do the rest over the next few days' - because I actually have a few days off work for once.

This wasn't a good enough answer and he proceeded to go on for 3 hours about how untidy the house is and how I can't keep anything clean. I tried to sleep in a different room and he wouldn't let me.

He got our oldest DS up out of bed and walked him around the house showing him how the house is filthy.

So you can help me decide who's BU, here's how I live my life:

• DH leaves for work at 6.30.

• I get up between 6&6.30, get myself and kids ready, ensure they have everything they need, 5 minute tidy of kitchen if I have time, get the kids to childminder and start work at 8am. Either wfh or drive to office 2 days a week which is an hour each way.

• Work from 8-4.15, high pressure job which melts my head. Work straight through lunch every day so that I don't have to do overtime in evenings.

• Collect kids, ensure they do homework. Make dinner, make lunches for next day, clean the kitchen while dinner is cooking/after dinner. Ensure the kids have the right clothes they need for school the next day.

• DH is in at 6.30, sit with him while he has his dinner to chat about the day.

• Watch TV for 30 mins.

• Get kids ready and into bed at 7.30.

• Crash myself because by that time I am exhausted.

Cleaning I do every day:

Kitchen fully cleaned including floors.

Toilet and sink cleaned. Also clean the bath if it's used.

Washing clothes.

The kids ensure their room and playroom is kept tidy.

Clean up DHs rubbish that he leaves around the place eg cups, plates, dirty socks.

DH then works at the weekend doing his second job (which is a choice not a necessity) so I'm left with DC all weekend to take them to their sports, do food shopping and other weekly jobs. Every Sunday morning, the full house gets hoovered/mopped (I sweep it during the week) and I put away all the laundry that's built up over the week.

I've suffered from depression for the last few years and some weeks I struggle to even get out of bed so feel like I physically and mentally can't do any more cleaning.

So AIBU here, should I be doing more? I woke up this morning feeling shit. I had planned to de clutter over next few days while off work and now don't even want to.

Op your focus needs to be the fact he woke up his 11 year old son.

that is the start middle and end of the story for me

And showed him mess that wasn't even his! It's not like his child had left all his shit everywhere... And even then, you have that conversation when they are awake

He sounds like an emotional torturer.

Have you heard of the Lundy Bancroft book? "Why Does He Do That?" I think sadly you will recognise your husband in there.

What he is doing is against the law. It is called coercive control. You can get support from Women's Aid or your local police DV unit.

Be careful to obscure your internet history. Men like this don't tend to like it when you speak to other people and find out how out of line they are. They want you to keep thinking it's normal, it's deserved, it's all your fault. It isn't.

@Alargeoneplease89

I wfh 3 days a week, 8-4.15, no time for a break, work straight through lunch.

I go to the office 2 days a week so have an hour commute each way on those days.

Sorry for the formatting, I keep fixing it and it keeps automatically jumping back.

You don't sound skint. Can you hire a cleaner

Tidying up the stuff he’s left around? FFS, he’s complaining and can’t even remove his own dirty cups? He needs an ultra large fuck off spelled out to him.

Like others I suspect your depression is linked to being married to an absolute twat.

If you insist on staying with a bully then get a cleaner, otherwise get rid of him, do yourself a favour.

Yes! I'm at a bit of a loss now! I keep thinking I should be doing something today.

With regards to the op. He is a bully stuck in 1954. But you don't have to put up with it. Please speak to someone. If you can leave do it. I doubt he will get better

It is abusive to turn your son against you. I hope you can speak with your son and explain that the behaviour wasn't acceptable.

I can't see how this marriage can last as I doubt your H will want to change. It seems he has appointed himself as Director of the family and is performance managing you.

You're right Bertiebotts because when I went to therapy for the depression a couple of years ago, he hated that I could have potentially talked about him there so I stopped going. I will look at the book you mentioned and coercive control. Thank you.

Don't get a cleaner. Get a divorce.

THEN get a cleaner if you want to.

Honestly, I would be utterly enraged if someone did that to my child. You can have a calm life with your children. Please tell a family member or friend or Women's Aid.

Your list of what you do / don’t do isn’t really what matters.

You’re married to an abusive man who got your child out of bed to parade them round the house to try to demonstrate his power over them and to presumably frighten them into compliance to do cleaning and tidying for him.

Who does what in terms of cleaning really isn’t the problem in your house. The abusive man you have living with you all is.

It is not normal to get a child out of bed (or anyone that lives in the house) to force march them around their home whilst he points out what he has decided isn’t acceptable standards of tidiness.

He's a dickhead

Get some help with de cluttering and a weekly cleaner.

Prioritise you a bit more

Thanks everyone. I have noticed this year that when he does this it puts me into a downward spiral mentally but I then turn it around and blame myself thinking I am wrong.

Yes, I think you'll find your depression lifts considerably when you no longer have to live like this.

DS is 11. I felt like he was trying to turn him against me and thought that was the final straw.

That's certainly the vibe I got. I can't think of another explanation really.

I went to sleep on the couch but he wouldn't let me fall asleep there in case I 'do something stupid' - playing the MH card against me there.

Yeah, if he really cared about your MH he wouldn't have done all the other stuff he did which made you want to sleep on the couch in the first place!

The things he showed DS last night are - an empty flower pot of odd bits on the kitchen work top. The dishwasher was not turned on (dh had dinner last and put his plate in last so he should have turned it on) and the bathroom sink had some toothpaste on it.

He got your DS out of bed to show him the dishwasher had not been turned on?!

I need to leave. Thanks for helping me realise I am not crazy.

No, you are certainly not crazy. But your DH will have a vested interest in making you feel you are - remember that going forward.

I am so sorry that you are facing up to this reality and that you will have so much upheaval in your life. Take advice on how to leave split up safely. Your DH won't want to lose control. He thinks he has completely crushed your spirit and will be surprised to find that this is not the case.

I am so sorry this is the man you married

It was abusive of him to wake up your child and involve him in this argument.

You could - could - try one serious conversation about how disgusting his behaviour is but I would say you are best to work on leaving.

I'd bag all his shit up that you collect during the day and leave it on his side of the bed

I agree with other posters, the weekend job sounds like a cop out of cleaning and family life in general .

Who the fuck put him in charge anyway. He has as much responsibility as you to ensure the house stays clean, he's not the boss to order you and the dc around.

I think you'll find your mental health recovers remarkably if you leave him

See how much your depression improves if you divorce him. I always think the same with threads like this, you’re depressed because your husband is an abusive piece of shit. Who the fuck wakes up their child to rant and rave about how messy the house is? Controlling cunt.

It's simple answer here
Cleaner
Or he quits his second job and does the housework up to his standard and helps you with the children

Your DH is abusive.

I can’t imagine from what you’ve written your house is filthy at all but just normal. I’d start zoning out from your DH and don’t pick up his mess, or do his laundry or anything. Don’t get into a conversation with him about it - don’t justify what you do or don’t do.

Nor would I spend your days off cleaning - go for a long walk today to clear your head and think straight.

Look after yourself.

Your DH is a nasty bastard, and an utter hypocrite to boot. Why doesn't he fucking do it himself if it bothers him so much? I agree this relationship is not worth the effort to try and save it.

He's not just a bully. He's abusive. If you stay with him your mental health will keep declining.

I need to leave.

You really, really do.

Call Women’s Aid. It sounds like he’s manipulative, not above gaslighting/outright lying with the MH jibes (‘in case you do something stupid’) and you should get some advice on how to proceed. Stay safe.

No one wants to live in clutter and mess but the way he went about the discussion was totally wrong, and has left you feeling dreadful. That was absolutely wrong of him and he should apologise. Tbh it sounds like neither of you have time to clean, you either need to reduce a responsibility somewhere, your hours/his second job or get a cleaner. Use your days off to hugely simplify, declutter and organise- boxes, labels etc. train kids and dh to pick up after themselves to support the organised system. This should help the situation long term, but short term he should not speak to you like that, and needs to realise you can’t do sahp jobs while working ft!

I think you need to read the OP's posts again.

I find your post so sad, such a special time to enjoy and full of conflict. As a gm I have regularly looked after dgc from very early days, in daughter’s home to begin with, as daughter recovered from birth, later at mine. However I have the sense to know that things have changed and child needs consistency. I have followed parents wishes to the letter, their child , they know best. Total trust.

Surely there must have been times when you have been exhausted or ill and trusted help would have been welcome?However you are being forced to be defensive by mil know it all attitude.
Twice I had the little one for several days and nights, to protect her,when both parents had covid . How would you have coped with that? Presumably your mother would have stepped in. But perhaps she is being denied the pleasure of helping too, through the mil attitude.
Warning here to all gps, respect the parents wishes or risk a situation like this

If his second job isn't a necessity and that money isn't needed for necessities, why don't you both invest some of that in a cleaner? That sounds like a sensible solution. Or- as is my suspicion- do you not see any of that money because you husband is a controlling, bullying arsehole? Just a hunch.