AIBU to not do more cleaning?

[Cleaningtroubles]

Really don't know who is BU here, me or DH.

I'm waiting for an apology but maybe its me that should be apologising. Sorry this is long.

We had an argument last night over cleaning the house. I was in bed watching TV and DH was mad because he said the house is filthy. It's more cluttered than filthy but I said 'I know, we tidied the playroom today and I'm going to do the rest over the next few days' - because I actually have a few days off work for once.

This wasn't a good enough answer and he proceeded to go on for 3 hours about how untidy the house is and how I can't keep anything clean. I tried to sleep in a different room and he wouldn't let me.

He got our oldest DS up out of bed and walked him around the house showing him how the house is filthy.

So you can help me decide who's BU, here's how I live my life:

• DH leaves for work at 6.30.

• I get up between 6&6.30, get myself and kids ready, ensure they have everything they need, 5 minute tidy of kitchen if I have time, get the kids to childminder and start work at 8am. Either wfh or drive to office 2 days a week which is an hour each way.

• Work from 8-4.15, high pressure job which melts my head. Work straight through lunch every day so that I don't have to do overtime in evenings.

• Collect kids, ensure they do homework. Make dinner, make lunches for next day, clean the kitchen while dinner is cooking/after dinner. Ensure the kids have the right clothes they need for school the next day.

• DH is in at 6.30, sit with him while he has his dinner to chat about the day.

• Watch TV for 30 mins.

• Get kids ready and into bed at 7.30.

• Crash myself because by that time I am exhausted.

Cleaning I do every day:

Kitchen fully cleaned including floors.

Toilet and sink cleaned. Also clean the bath if it's used.

Washing clothes.

The kids ensure their room and playroom is kept tidy.

Clean up DHs rubbish that he leaves around the place eg cups, plates, dirty socks.

DH then works at the weekend doing his second job (which is a choice not a necessity) so I'm left with DC all weekend to take them to their sports, do food shopping and other weekly jobs. Every Sunday morning, the full house gets hoovered/mopped (I sweep it during the week) and I put away all the laundry that's built up over the week.

I've suffered from depression for the last few years and some weeks I struggle to even get out of bed so feel like I physically and mentally can't do any more cleaning.

So AIBU here, should I be doing more? I woke up this morning feeling shit. I had planned to de clutter over next few days while off work and now don't even want to.

No you didn't read it correctly, OP works 5 days a week, 2 at home, 3 in the office.

I would spend the next few days preparing for a divorce (solicitor, collecting paperwork) and keep an ongoing record of his behaviour. All the best.

I occasionally lose my shit at the state of the house because I do the lion's share of it which is fine usually, but not when I'm exhausted. But, reading this it sounds like you're doing most if not all of it OP and with that in mind your DH sounds abusive and not just to you, but your son too. I'm not saying it will be easy or even feel possible but it sounds to me like you need to get both you and the kids out of that xxx

God Almighty, he’s one abusive arsehole.
Please get you and your child away from that nasty bully.

If he's that bothered about the tidiness of the house, he could do the unthinkable and clean it as well. It's not your default responsibility in life to be the one that keeps the house tidy endlessly.

Unfortunately, it's not seen this way by a lot of guys, not their responsibility. I don't share that view and never have and never understood it. The entire house could be done in a fraction of the time if the cleaning was shared. There would be no issues and everyone would have free time.

Don't let him wear you down, you are entitled to have down time, especially on your days off to enjoy life rather than always on the go.

Please think about leaving him. He is abusive. Does he control other areas such as finances? Does he ever make you feel scared? If you confront him about his behaviour how is he likely to react? It might be hard but you will be happier on your own with the children.

Going on at you for three hours and waking up your son to show him all the mess is really horrible and coyld be abusive.
It's not like you're sitting around the house doing nothing - you have a full and tiring day. If he's that bothered why can't he do some tidying after work. Ok, he must be exhausted but so are you!

Is he the husband from Sleeping With the Enemy?

This all sounds horribly abusive and not a good environment for your dc and certainly not for you. I'm so glad you've realised this isn't ok. Start planning your exit and new life. You can do this.

What he did to your son is awful. The way he treats you is awful. He is abusive. He contributes nothing to family life other than money by the sounds of it. Takes himself off all week and weekend. Does not do anything around the house. Makes mess and doesn't think he should tidy up. Uses your MH against you.

Get your ducks in a row and leave him. You will be so much better off.

You need to leave to protect both you and the children.

You are already doing it all anyway, but without him there you won’t have to clean up after him or listen to his criticism and abuse. And the children won’t be subjected to his abuse either. Win win.

Read the updates. It was hardly a hovel. My house is way messier than that even after I've cleaned, and I don't get woken up for a 3 hour dressing down. You're focusing on the wrong part of the story here. The main point is OP is married to an abusive man. She doesn't need "top tips" on how to avoid angering him in future by being a good little wife.

He is abusive, he is a bully. Getting a child up to say how dirty the house is! What a twat

your child will remember this, how his father is a bully

where is he in doing housework?

why are you even with him

tell him if he doesn’t want to help, and doesn’t like it he can leave

This.

Surely you realise that you are not being unreasonable. He is. Massively.

He is also a bully and abusive.

Get some individual counselling with someone who specialises in DA and coercive control and see a solicitor.

OP doesn't get ANY days off, not even at the weekend - she works 5 days a week and has to look after the kids on her own at the weekend because HE chooses to do another job those days.

What cleaning and child rearing is he doing? He could have got a lot done in the 3 hours he stood and moaned at you. Also tell him to clean up after his own lazy arse.

He sounds shit, he isn’t pulling his weight at all. In terms of solving your problem though can you afford a cleaner? Once or twice a week might make a huge difference. He still needs to do more though. Wtf with getting your child out of bed.

Get your ducks in a row OP, and plan your escape. My ex was like this, stuck in the 1950s and expecting me to do absolutely everything, even when working full time. These types of men never change and, I suspect, have very little respect for women. When I left him, I felt the weight of the world lift from my shoulders.

Oh, and about 2 weeks after I left, my ex got himself a cleaner. Funny that it wasn't an option when I was there.

A messy house is the least of Op’s problems.
Getting a cleaner will not make a difference.
Getting rid of her abusive prick of a husband will massively improve Op’s life

When he is at work and you are at home then you’re 100% responsible for the childcare and cleaning etc.

When you are both at home then everything is 50/50.

I would do a deeper clean on the days you are off and I personally wouldn’t expect him to do much on the days I’ve been at home.

But every other day including weekends needs to be 50/50.
It is both your home, they are both your kids and he is massively not pulling his weight.

If this was just about cleaning then I’d either give up my job (seeing as he works on the weekends too) or I’d go FT and he’s got no excuse to pull his weight

But honestly, waking a child up and parading then around the house like it’s his fault is actually vile.

I would actually go as far to say it’s abusive and I hate when people through that word around.

That poor kid.

What do people mean by cleaning the kitchen every day?

I mean we load the dishwasher and wipe surfaces daily, that's it.

Dear oh dear, the very worst thing about this, is that you’re with an abusive, nasty man. What he did to your son is unforgivable.

You have to leave this toxic relationship to protect your children and yourself.

Call Womens Aid for help.

I completely agree.

He does sound like a bully.

Who chooses to work a a weekend job.

It sounds like he hates his family so much, that he doesn’t want to spend any time with them and doesn’t want to do anything in the home.

He is a nasty piece of work.

OP your life would be easier if you lived separately from him.
You do everything anyway.

If it wasn't berating the OP about cleaning he'd find something else to berate her for. This is not about organising systems or cleaning rotas and the posters who are posting such things I suspect have never been in a controlling relationship.

She's not "off" any days. Says quite clearly in the OP that she works full time. Are you the abusive husband?