AIBU to not do more cleaning?

[Cleaningtroubles]

Really don't know who is BU here, me or DH.

I'm waiting for an apology but maybe its me that should be apologising. Sorry this is long.

We had an argument last night over cleaning the house. I was in bed watching TV and DH was mad because he said the house is filthy. It's more cluttered than filthy but I said 'I know, we tidied the playroom today and I'm going to do the rest over the next few days' - because I actually have a few days off work for once.

This wasn't a good enough answer and he proceeded to go on for 3 hours about how untidy the house is and how I can't keep anything clean. I tried to sleep in a different room and he wouldn't let me.

He got our oldest DS up out of bed and walked him around the house showing him how the house is filthy.

So you can help me decide who's BU, here's how I live my life:

• DH leaves for work at 6.30.

• I get up between 6&6.30, get myself and kids ready, ensure they have everything they need, 5 minute tidy of kitchen if I have time, get the kids to childminder and start work at 8am. Either wfh or drive to office 2 days a week which is an hour each way.

• Work from 8-4.15, high pressure job which melts my head. Work straight through lunch every day so that I don't have to do overtime in evenings.

• Collect kids, ensure they do homework. Make dinner, make lunches for next day, clean the kitchen while dinner is cooking/after dinner. Ensure the kids have the right clothes they need for school the next day.

• DH is in at 6.30, sit with him while he has his dinner to chat about the day.

• Watch TV for 30 mins.

• Get kids ready and into bed at 7.30.

• Crash myself because by that time I am exhausted.

Cleaning I do every day:

Kitchen fully cleaned including floors.

Toilet and sink cleaned. Also clean the bath if it's used.

Washing clothes.

The kids ensure their room and playroom is kept tidy.

Clean up DHs rubbish that he leaves around the place eg cups, plates, dirty socks.

DH then works at the weekend doing his second job (which is a choice not a necessity) so I'm left with DC all weekend to take them to their sports, do food shopping and other weekly jobs. Every Sunday morning, the full house gets hoovered/mopped (I sweep it during the week) and I put away all the laundry that's built up over the week.

I've suffered from depression for the last few years and some weeks I struggle to even get out of bed so feel like I physically and mentally can't do any more cleaning.

So AIBU here, should I be doing more? I woke up this morning feeling shit. I had planned to de clutter over next few days while off work and now don't even want to.

I read to the part he got your son out of bed to show him the mess and that was enough. I skimmed the rest. He's an abusive bully. He could have spent that 3 hours doing some cleaning himself rather than ranting at you! I'd be getting out of that.

Clean up DHs rubbish that he leaves around the place eg cups, plates, dirty socks

Imagine how lovely your home will be without this bullshit to deal with. He's making a mockery of everything you do for your family, OP.
He's not worthy.
Cut the dead weight loose.

I think it's far more disgusting that you're encouraging the OP to do more and even suggesting an option of giving up work - when she has an abusive husband. It's awful when women make light of abuse by trying to make it all the woman's responsibility. If only she would just try a bit harder...telling her to do a deep clean when she's working full time and doing all of the childcare, doesn't even have a lunch break. Shame on you.

Does he work the second job to avoid taking any part in family life?

Just think if you leave, there's less cleaning to do as you don't have to shift any of his rubbish. I'd stop doing that by the way and just start to make a pile of daddy's stuff.

This environment is a huge factor in your depression
You work bloody hard and must be exhausted which again is a factor in your depression
I'd be temped to write a list of what you do Vs him, but you shouldn't have to
I'd get a cleaner and all the gadgets possible eg robot cleaner to save your time and energy
You're not superwoman , and he's no superman

As others are saying op you are not crazy he's abusive and you need to leave him.

I had an abusive ex had me believing I was mentally unwell, poor him putting up with the burden that I was etc etc. When I finally left him my mental health improved dramatically overnight. I look back and can't believe I couldn't see it was him but they are so good at their gas lighting and DARVO.

Look up the resources people have said in this post. Get your freedom and see how much happier you are.

Oh also I found the mess in my house is much less now not cleaning up after a man child. And you can cut corners and save yourself time and no one moans at you. Eg - I rarely clean up the kitchen after dinner I do it in the morning while I supervise kids breakfast. Used to be a big issue having to somehow clean the kitchen and look after the baby while ex moaned at me and made more mess. Now I have my evenings to enjoy with my kids!

He's abusive. I'd immediately stop picking up after him. Then I'd chuck him out.

He sounds horrible. But if you think there's a way through not out you have to work together to make a plan. You both work so should split the chores evenly. Make a list of what you do and what he does, ideally together. Make sure it's equally balanced. If more needs to be done, that extra work needs to be split evenly or you decide to get a cleaner. If he won't engage around this then honestly the only way is out.

Did your dh have this rant because of your days off, I wonder?
Does he want to make sure you don't get to enjoy them?

I think you are in an abusive relationship. Please contact women's aid so you can get some perspective on this. I'm not surprised you are depressed lovely you are flat out all of the time.

She doesn’t have any days off! She works 5 days a week and does everything else. Which is palpably unfair in anyone’s book.

Who are these twats who expect women with full time jobs to still act as if they are sahms?

Op days she's got a few days off coming up but she's going to spend them cleaning.
Do something enjoyable just for you too op.