AIBU to not do more cleaning?

[Cleaningtroubles]

Really don't know who is BU here, me or DH.

I'm waiting for an apology but maybe its me that should be apologising. Sorry this is long.

We had an argument last night over cleaning the house. I was in bed watching TV and DH was mad because he said the house is filthy. It's more cluttered than filthy but I said 'I know, we tidied the playroom today and I'm going to do the rest over the next few days' - because I actually have a few days off work for once.

This wasn't a good enough answer and he proceeded to go on for 3 hours about how untidy the house is and how I can't keep anything clean. I tried to sleep in a different room and he wouldn't let me.

He got our oldest DS up out of bed and walked him around the house showing him how the house is filthy.

So you can help me decide who's BU, here's how I live my life:

• DH leaves for work at 6.30.

• I get up between 6&6.30, get myself and kids ready, ensure they have everything they need, 5 minute tidy of kitchen if I have time, get the kids to childminder and start work at 8am. Either wfh or drive to office 2 days a week which is an hour each way.

• Work from 8-4.15, high pressure job which melts my head. Work straight through lunch every day so that I don't have to do overtime in evenings.

• Collect kids, ensure they do homework. Make dinner, make lunches for next day, clean the kitchen while dinner is cooking/after dinner. Ensure the kids have the right clothes they need for school the next day.

• DH is in at 6.30, sit with him while he has his dinner to chat about the day.

• Watch TV for 30 mins.

• Get kids ready and into bed at 7.30.

• Crash myself because by that time I am exhausted.

Cleaning I do every day:

Kitchen fully cleaned including floors.

Toilet and sink cleaned. Also clean the bath if it's used.

Washing clothes.

The kids ensure their room and playroom is kept tidy.

Clean up DHs rubbish that he leaves around the place eg cups, plates, dirty socks.

DH then works at the weekend doing his second job (which is a choice not a necessity) so I'm left with DC all weekend to take them to their sports, do food shopping and other weekly jobs. Every Sunday morning, the full house gets hoovered/mopped (I sweep it during the week) and I put away all the laundry that's built up over the week.

I've suffered from depression for the last few years and some weeks I struggle to even get out of bed so feel like I physically and mentally can't do any more cleaning.

So AIBU here, should I be doing more? I woke up this morning feeling shit. I had planned to de clutter over next few days while off work and now don't even want to.

He sounds abusive. I wouldn't be surprised if you're depression is actually a reaction to being coercively controlled and bullied by him.

Or they ARE in one, and this is how they try and appease their abuser?

Honestly just get out OP.

Abusive cretin of a DP. Even if he wasnt such a prick, life's too short to spend time worrying about cleaning. If he's that arsed he can do it himself!

Wow what a disgusting thing to say.

You should be ashamed of yourself for trying to make light of abuse, all for what you think is a witty response.

Your "D"H is a total arsehole. Tell him to do his fucking fair share. Stop cleaning up after him.

Good point @Fallenangelofthenorth

It never works! Sadly I had seven long years of experience of it, now thankfully a long time ago.

show him where the hoover and cleaning stuff are,ask him when he is doing his half share.my god who does he think he is

So basically he does absolutely nothing other than abuse you and your kids.

Really, do you even need to ask. Nowhere you have listed a single thing ‘D’H does to keep the house clean. But he gets to bitch about it and takes your oldest on a tour around the house to show him how much of a failure his mother is?…

DH is fucking unhinged and disgusting here. He sounds abusive too.

Agree with everyone else. He is abusive and he is teaching your children how to treat women/how to be treated.

He is an abusive bully.

The example he is setting for your son is very scary

Are you sure he’s actually working on the weekends?

He’s completely checked out of family life and seems to despise you and the kids.

I commented before I read you next posts so just also wanted to add to my previous post:

Not only is he an arsehole but he's an abusive one at that. I would be working on your exit strategy. I imagine your depression will be lifted if you divorce him.

His behaviour sounds disgraceful but yes the worst part is that he walked your son around the house to demonstrate his ridiculous “point”. Wow.

Really think you shouldn’t waste any more time with this abusive tool. You are better than this ❤️

You should be worrying more about your 11 year old sons mental health. He is pulled out his bed when sleeping to watch his father harass his mother and drag him round the house showing him evidence of his mothers mess. How do you think this feels to your son? Do you think he climbed back into bed and calmly fell asleep? His stomach would have been in knots and i can't imagine he could concentrate on school the next day, if he had school.

Your posts are all about you and your dickhead bully of a husband. Between you both you are ruining your son. And probably other kids if you have them, i doubt your husband keeps his voice down.

So for your kids sake, listen to the advice from posters above and set about leaving your husband.

You're kids will thank you.

I'm not trying to be witty in the slightest. Why would you think that? It's not funny?

I'm highlighting posts, which, in my opinion, are minimsing what is very clearly abusive behaviour and offering the victim not so very helpful advise on how to organise herself better in order to please her abuser.

The vast majority of posters clearly see this situation as abusive, but sadly, there are always one or two posters who either don't read the post properly, or are just incredibly naive who end of victim blaming and/or minimising the abuse taking place.

Those are the comments I find disgusting.

This! He's abusive op. Getting a child involved is abusive . He doesn't even Acknowledge that if it's filthy then he also needs to share in the cleaning. You already seem to run the kids and house by yourself, so what use is he?

feck me. thats abuse. not often i say this but ltb. what joy does he bring to your life

Don’t be so ridiculous.

I called him vile, a bully, not pulling his weight and abusive.
Yet you asked me if I was the DH?!

You knew i obviously wasn’t, you just said that to try and be witty and to be obtuse.

Why else would you ask me if I was the DH?
When I very obviously am on OP’s side and not his.
You had an ulterior motive and it was nothing to do highlighting posts that minimise his behaviour.

Yes I misread the OP and thought she worked 3 days a week but the rest of my thread still stands.
When they’re both at home everything should be 50/50.

Some posters come on MN just to try and have a go at people, even if it means derailing the thread.
You sound like one of those people.

OP you do more housework than I ado and I’m retired! If DH is unhappy about the floor being messy he’ll get the hoover out.
This man is gaslighting and controlling you. You must see that waking a child up to show them how untidy the house is is not the actions of a rational person?
Spend the time you have off to think about what you want to do going forward and if you think that leaving him is the right choice then start working on how to do that.
Good luck

Abusive bully household chores are 50/50 if you don't need the money from his 2nd job tell him to pay for a cleaner if he isn't going to do his share

I apologise for my comment asking if you were the abusive husband. You are clearly not.

However, I do think comments like yours "helpfully" advising victims of abuse how to pacify their abuser, because by your own admission, you lack reading comprehension skills, are dangerous.

I was in an abusive marriage myself years ago, and found this forum incredibly helpful, as I was directed towards women's aid and books such as Lundy Bancroft "why does he do that". I'm grateful that most women can clearly recognise signs of abuse and posters "victim blaming" are in the minority. Otherwise, people like me, and many other women who have found the courage to leave through forums like this, may still be subjecting ourselves and our children to unacceptable levels of abuse and control.

I have no intention of derailing further, and no interest in engaging with you.

To @Cleaningtroubles as mentioned above I can fully recommend the women's aid freedom programme. I did it online and I did find it helpful, although admittedly, I did need to do it a second time before I had the courage to leave.

Yes me too. That’s abuse of his child, right there.

He sounds horrific OP. This marriage doesn’t sound work saving.

I imagine your depression would lift pretty soon after getting rid of this bastard