Entrance exam vs lunch

[Ivesaidenough]

We have agreed to go to a lunch my PIL are holding for their anniversary, it was planned and booked several months ago. Lots of people, not just us, fancy restaurant.
Since then, one of the schools DS was meant to be applying for has released their entrance exam date, and it's on the same day. It's our nearest school, and the most likely to offer DS a scholarship. We can't afford private school without one. DP says DS can't go now as we've already agreed to the lunch.

AIBU to still want DS to do the exam?

@ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming

I agree with the other poster, it isn’t common to celebrate someone’s wedding anniversary.

You definitely need to prioritise the exam, that is a no brainer and I would be staggered by a family that didn’t understand that.

That said, I would be concerned about your reliance upon scholarships as being the only way to afford private schools. I work in a private school in the finance department and scholarships are rarely more than 25% and often much less. I thought I would just mention in case you have different expectations.

I don't want to be a Debbie downer, but you are the one who is really bothered (rightly) about this, and your DH doesn't really seem to care at all and yet he is the one dealing with the school and the information about the exam. If there is an alternative exam date surely this would have been clear on the letter/email you were sent? Have you seen it? I realise I'm skeptical, but I'd be worried that your DH is lying about this to get you all to go to the lunch without a fuss and then will turn round and say "ooooops!" when there isn't another date. Check for yourself and be certain if it means a lot to you (which it should.)

Yeah I mean I can imagine if its a "Big" wedding anniversary (I don't follow all the year classifications but gold or diamond or whatever) you might want to have a meal out with family....

But the idea that the world has to stop every year to celebrate the fact your marriage has lasted another year is bizarre. It certainly would never trump your grandchildren's education.

It just sounds to me like a family with its priorities all skewed but obviously its a personal thing.

And this. This man doesn't really care about his kids' education. Why would you be putting him in charge of it? You need to take this.

Are you married to Chidi Anagonye?

I'm glad you've worked something out this time but this would really bother me. Is he like this with everything or there something about his dynamic with his parents in particular?

I work at a private school and we (and I think most others) have a catch up date for entrance exams. Speak to the school and explain you have a long standing family commitment that was organised before the dates were released and see what they say.

Otherwise I’d speak to your in laws and explain the situation. This is your son’s next 5 or 7 years of education and I’d like to think my children’s grandparents would see that was quite important too.

Let’s hope the next exam date doesn’t clash with his haircut!

If I were you I'd check whether you get only one chance of rescheduling or it depends on the circumstances. If it's just the one chance, you've wasted it on this lunch so if your DS is sick on the day of the exam you won't be able to reschedule again.

In any case, I can't believe your DP is so thick to even suggest prioritising lunch (!) over exam (!!!) 🤦🏻‍♀️

My son is sitting private school entrance exams in November. The dates have not 'just been released' - they have been in my diary for ages - the schools published them in about March IIRC.

I hope your DH has a more realistic hold on fixed dates by the time GCSE comes round.

Your husband is certifiably insane, or else not keen on the private school plan

@Mumof2teens79

But you have said that anyone who prioritises anything over the exam is?
And the majority of people do NOT enter these exams.
There is nothing stopping anyone on this thread entering all their local private entrance exams on the off chance of a scholarship...but we don't so you think that's because we have a chip on our shoulder or don't care about education.

I've answered this once already but obviously wasn't clear enough so here we go again. I'm not saying anyone who doesn't put their kids up for private school doesn't care about education.

I'm saying anyone who thinks a lunch is more important than grasping an opportunity for their children (whatever that opportunity may be: in this case it happens to be a private school entrance exam) is not prioritising their children's future over their own gratification.

It could just as easily have been trials to get into a sports team or a Saturday job or whatever. The point is whatever the opportunity is, it's important to OP, potentially important for the children and something which has the potential to give them a future advantage. So by definition its more important than going to lunch with their grandparents to say congrats for keeping your marriage going another year.

I don't get what's controversial about this.

Hmm. I'm a suspicious old cow. If dp wasn't fussed and thinks lunch is more important I'd have called myself tbh. Have you got email confirmation of the new date?

Things like this happen all of the time as your children get older and become actual people with likes and needs of their own.

The exam is normally in the morning and finishes by lunchtime… take the child to the exam and go the lunch afterwards.

I don’t understand why this is a dilemma tbh. Just overrule your DH as he’s being completely unreasonable. Your son’s education must come first, no question. Tell him to go alone and call your PIL to explain. Your husband is out of his tiny mind.

I will take a punt that your relationship with you DP is generally a bit…. Shite

Just check that doing the exam on a different date doesn’t render your DS ineligible for a scholarship. Our local private has this rule because obviously the kids could find out what’s in the exam if they sit it after everyone else!

I agree with this.

He’s possibly trying to fob you off.

Given according to a thread Op

you earn £75k a year!!

I think a bursary is unlikely

Ivesaidenough · 23/04/2023 01:18

I really expected to feel, and be, better off at £75k a year. I still feel that uncomfortable "can't afford to spend that really" when I get a takeaway pizza

Bursaries are different to scholarship. Bursaries are means-tested. Scholarships are not.

As a side, what a weird level of investment in this thread to go searching for details of the OP’s financial situation.

I'm glad it's been resolved now, OP. But I can't get over the fact that your DP thinks a single family lunch is worth more than the potential of gaining 6 years of quality, funded education.

I'm with the posters who are sceptical of the husband suddenly finding out that there is a second exam date. TBH I'm surprised that you trusted him to contact the school given that he doesn't seem to be bothered that your child sits this exam.

@Ivesaidenough Please contact the school yourself to check.

Agree. I wouldn't just trust him on this. Still very surprised that you wouldn't insist an exam is more important than granny's anniversary lunch.