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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Entrance exam vs lunch

253 replies

Ivesaidenough · 01/11/2023 22:45

We have agreed to go to a lunch my PIL are holding for their anniversary, it was planned and booked several months ago. Lots of people, not just us, fancy restaurant.
Since then, one of the schools DS was meant to be applying for has released their entrance exam date, and it's on the same day. It's our nearest school, and the most likely to offer DS a scholarship. We can't afford private school without one. DP says DS can't go now as we've already agreed to the lunch.

AIBU to still want DS to do the exam?

OP posts:
minipie · 01/11/2023 23:37

it’s quite usual that a candidate who sits the back up date isn’t eligible to be considered for scholarship

Wow, is this true? Why?

Original poster
Ivesaidenough · 02/11/2023 00:19

ok, glad I'm not being an idiot for thinking this is more important! DP is his dad, but as a pp said, we can't really afford private school and this is a long shot. I think that's why DP isn't fussed whether he does it. His brothers both had the chance though, so it doesn't seem fair that DS doesn't!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ivesaidenough · 02/11/2023 00:21

I've asked DP to check with school if there is another date DS could do instead - he thinks there won't be.

OP posts:
saraclara · 02/11/2023 00:28

LakeTiticaca · 01/11/2023 23:10

Thats ridiculous. Surely there will.be other opportunities to go out for lunch!!

To be fair, it seems like this is a celebratory lunch for a big wedding anniversary, if it's been planned months in advance.

I still think that DS should take the exam, but at least one parent be at the lunch. If someone (a grandparent or relative from OP's side?) could take him, so much the better.

To be honest I'd have rather had someone other than my parent take me to this kind of thing when I was that age. They'd be less stressed.
And as a grandparent I'd understand his absence completely..I'd be a bit miffed if both the parents excused themselves from my big celebration though. It doesn't take two to take him to the exam. I'd be very sad if my daughter wasn't there celebrating with me.

Original poster
Ivesaidenough · 02/11/2023 00:40

That's kind of my thinking. I could take him, and DP and the other two DC can go to the lunch. DS and I might even be able to join later if the exam is early. DP thinks it's unreasonable to even consider it.

OP posts:
CherryMyBrandy · 02/11/2023 01:11

I can't believe what your DP is thinking. Of course he should do the exam!

Inthetropics · 02/11/2023 01:25

I cant see why he won't even entertain the possibility of him going to the lunch while you take your son to the exam. It's almost as if your partner doesn't want your DS to take the exam at all...

coxesorangepippin · 02/11/2023 02:00

Your dp sounds like he doesn't have your son's interests at heart

LimePi · 02/11/2023 02:19

Of course you prioritise an exam over anniversary lunch

Hotchocolatemousse · 02/11/2023 02:32

Prioritise the exam because if he's eligible for a scholarship then you won't need to pay fees. Is your dp stupid, have low aspirations for his son or both? The exam will be a short time and once it's done, your son can join for afternoon tea with his grandad.

MintJulia · 02/11/2023 03:02

Education opportunities come first.

Your dp is an idiot and clearly doesn't give a toot about your child. Ignore him.

Lochness1975 · 02/11/2023 06:05

No way would I miss the exam. Even more so now you’ve said his brothers had the opportunity. Imagine in years to come Bill and Ben talking about it and Bob saying ‘our parents took me to nana and gramps anniversary meal instead of my exam’, would not be a nice feeling.

You DH is being an idiot. Take ds to the exam and meet up as soon as you can. Wishing your son all the luck in the world!

Bankholidayboredom23 · 02/11/2023 06:17

DH goes to lunch, you and son don't. Do you mean bursary rather than scholarship? Scholarship is a % discount off fees based on results/talent, bursary is financial assistance based on income. Keep in mind if you are going for bursary you will be expected to divulge a lot of personal financial information about the family. If your DH is not on board about the school he might be reluctant about this and have your arguments ready.

Ggttl · 02/11/2023 06:47

It sounds like your DP is not supportive of the school application, scholarship pressure or financial worry of private school. This can’t just be about missing a lunch.

Mumof2teens79 · 02/11/2023 06:47

Ivesaidenough · 02/11/2023 00:21

I've asked DP to check with school if there is another date DS could do instead - he thinks there won't be.

Why have you asked him to do it?
Appreciate you shouldxtrust him but it seems like he recognises this is a very long shot, getting hopes up for potential disappointment.
Private school is tough for kids that can't really afford to be there even if he does get the scholarship.
If your DP isn't fully on board would you not be better dealing with the school etc?

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 02/11/2023 06:52

How far away is the lunch from the exam and what is the timing of both. Is there a way for him to join the lunch after the exam?

if you genuinely want him to go to the school then the exam definitely takes priority. If it’s more of a we will take it and see but probably wouldn’t send him there anyway then maybe do the lunch.

m00rfarm · 02/11/2023 07:00

Is he mad? Of course you go to the entrance exam. What an idiot. I hope to god your child takes after you and not him, otherwise there is probably no point doing the entrance exam anyway ...

AliTheMinx · 02/11/2023 07:02

I would profusely apologise to PIL, but prioritise the exam. I am sure they will understand, as surely they want the best for their grandson. Could your DH go to the lunch, and then you and your DS drive over as soon as entrance exam is over?

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 02/11/2023 07:04

Your husband is a dick head. That is all.

cocksstrideintheevening · 02/11/2023 07:11

Is your husband usually a twat?

AgentJohnson · 02/11/2023 07:12

Is your DP always so rigid and or scared of his parents? Tell your not so DP that you will be prioritising the next 6 years of your child’s life, over a celebratory evening meal and if he has a problem with that, so be it. Send your apologies to your PIL and stop giving this nonsense more headspace.

I can’t believe you could keep a straight face when he uttered his foolishness.

LlynTegid · 02/11/2023 07:14

I bet PIL would be proud that your DS will be taking the exam and wish him luck.

I hope DP can get better soon and recover the sense of perspective and priorities that he has lost.

HardcoreLadyType · 02/11/2023 07:18

Are your older DC at the school?

Are you you realistic about what kind of scholarship will be on offer? One of my DC was offered a scholarship of 5% for year 7-11 (it was termed as 15% of the Autumn term fees).

What I’m saying is, do you honestly think your child has a shot at this and that he will be able to go to the school?

If so, then I would prioritise the exam - it will be a matter of a drop off and pick up, so you can probably be at the lunch for most of it, anyway. But don’t make a big family situation if it’s all a bit pie in the sky.

Legendairy · 02/11/2023 07:25

Ivesaidenough · 02/11/2023 00:21

I've asked DP to check with school if there is another date DS could do instead - he thinks there won't be.

Why don't you call them and sort ut? That way you'll know for sure what to do.

Usually the exams are early anyway so shouldn't clash.

redskyanight · 02/11/2023 07:27

It's so obvious that the exam is more important that I would wonder what else is going on here.

Does your partner not want DS to go to that school?
Is he scared of repurcussions from his family if you don't all turn up at the lunch (this would have been the case in my family; we missed many things to keep the peace)?