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AIBU?

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Original poster

Entrance exam vs lunch

253 replies

Ivesaidenough · 01/11/2023 22:45

We have agreed to go to a lunch my PIL are holding for their anniversary, it was planned and booked several months ago. Lots of people, not just us, fancy restaurant.
Since then, one of the schools DS was meant to be applying for has released their entrance exam date, and it's on the same day. It's our nearest school, and the most likely to offer DS a scholarship. We can't afford private school without one. DP says DS can't go now as we've already agreed to the lunch.

AIBU to still want DS to do the exam?

OP posts:
WineIsMyMainVice · 02/11/2023 23:10

towriteyoumustlive · 01/11/2023 22:49

Your DH is a dick.

Education and your son's future comes first.

Your PIL will understand.

(And if they don't they're also dicks!)

Absolutely this!!!!

Thepeopleversuswork · 02/11/2023 23:18

@Mumof2teens79

How many of those saying the exam is more important have, or plan to have their child sit exams for all the local private schools if it's that important?

I did. I put my child through three private school exams and she is now at private school. I'm a single mum and I can barely afford it but I do because it's really important. After food, shelter, love and support it's the most important thing you can give a child. If a partner of mine had tried to persuade me that lunch with his parents took precedence over an entrance exam I would have dumped him on the spot.

Obviously that doesn't mean to say parents who don't send their kids private don't put them first and I really don't want to imply this. It's a hugely complicated question and all sorts of things come into the picture including money, ideology and the child's personality and preferences.

It's more the attitude, the mindset. The idea that a lunch can ever be more important than a binary event which can potentially be a big swing factor in your child's future is one of two things: either he's very small minded and stupid or he has a chip on the shoulder about private school. In either case, he's not prioritising his child's education.

This is a man who values short-term gratification over long-term objectives, one who is possibly henpecked by his family, and one who can't see the value of an education for his child. His values are all wrong.

Imagwine · 02/11/2023 23:20

One measly little lunch lasting a couple of hours versus a lifetime opportunity. It’s a no brainier.

AuntMarch · 02/11/2023 23:23

If PIL are normal, decent people, they would be horrified to think they were the reason their DGS missed out on such an opportunity!

Haffiana · 02/11/2023 23:24

Is he DS's father?

Mumof2teens79 · 02/11/2023 23:25

Thepeopleversuswork · 02/11/2023 23:18

@Mumof2teens79

How many of those saying the exam is more important have, or plan to have their child sit exams for all the local private schools if it's that important?

I did. I put my child through three private school exams and she is now at private school. I'm a single mum and I can barely afford it but I do because it's really important. After food, shelter, love and support it's the most important thing you can give a child. If a partner of mine had tried to persuade me that lunch with his parents took precedence over an entrance exam I would have dumped him on the spot.

Obviously that doesn't mean to say parents who don't send their kids private don't put them first and I really don't want to imply this. It's a hugely complicated question and all sorts of things come into the picture including money, ideology and the child's personality and preferences.

It's more the attitude, the mindset. The idea that a lunch can ever be more important than a binary event which can potentially be a big swing factor in your child's future is one of two things: either he's very small minded and stupid or he has a chip on the shoulder about private school. In either case, he's not prioritising his child's education.

This is a man who values short-term gratification over long-term objectives, one who is possibly henpecked by his family, and one who can't see the value of an education for his child. His values are all wrong.

Edited

So you ARE saying that anyone who doesn't send their child for private school exams has a chip on their shoulder and doesn't prioritise their child's education
Otherwise we'd all be doing it

Thepeopleversuswork · 02/11/2023 23:29

@Mumof2teens79

So you ARE saying that anyone who doesn't send their child for private school exams has a chip on their shoulder and doesn't prioritise their child's education
Otherwise we'd all be doing it

No I'm not saying that. I've gone out of my way not to say that in my post. What I'm saying is that anyone who thinks a lunch, which lasts at best three hours, is more important than an event which impacts their child's life choices, is a moron.

It doesn't have to be a school entrance exam: it could be football trials or a school field trip or just sitting down with them an doing their homework. Or anything which has the potential to be beneficial for your child's education.

It's a lack of ability to plan ahead and put your child first. It's selfish and short-sighted.

porridgeisbae · 02/11/2023 23:31

The exam/DC's future has to be the priority over a meal, and the GP's should agree with that wholeheartedly (as should your husband.)

betterangels · 03/11/2023 00:09

StarlightinWC1 · 01/11/2023 22:59

Contact the school. They usually have a second exam day for kids who were sick on the day or have clashes with other schools' exams.

He's not sick or has another exam. He's going to a lunch. Madness to involve the school in this.

Of course your son should sit the exam. How is it even a question? Your husband has his priorities very wrong here.

XelaM · 03/11/2023 00:47

minipie · 01/11/2023 22:56

Most private schools will offer a back up date. It’s worth asking. Although tbf it is usually used in case of unavoidable commitments rather than “grandparents anniversary lunch”.

If there isn’t an alternative date I think it’s clear the exam wins. Does DP not really want DS to go private perhaps? Or to this school?

This. There is always an alternative date. Just ask the school.

Palindrone · 03/11/2023 01:14

WTF? I can only imagine that the 1% who thinks you are being unreasonable is your DH!

Original poster
Ivesaidenough · 03/11/2023 01:19

Quick update - DP did call the school, and explained that DS wasn't available on that date and asked if they had any advice.
They said that actually once you're sent the exam information, you are given the option to reject the date, and there's a back up exam on another day! So it's all sorted. And I'm relieved I didn't have to choose the exam over lunch...

OP posts:
porridgeisbae · 03/11/2023 01:23

Yay! That was all a bit odd of your husband though, thinking a meal was more important.

XelaM · 03/11/2023 01:24

Well done OP. All the drama on this thread was ridiculous - private schools always have alternative exam dates.

user1492757084 · 03/11/2023 01:26

Have no squabbles about the lunch versus the exam.
Your son needs to hear a supportive consensus in favour of the exam.
Can you not delay the start of the lunch by one hour giving your son a reasonable chance of calling to that event after the exam? However, if no can do, forget the anniversary.

Often it is the family photo opportunity that is really important at an anniverary. Is there a way that your family could have a whole family picture taken as a gift a couple of weeks before the party?

Isthisasgoodasitis · 03/11/2023 01:50

I’m guessing DH isn’t DS father as only an self centred egotistical inconsiderate arsehole with zero morals would suggest a child’s entire future was cancelled for the sake of a bloody lunch!! I would inform your in-laws your son has a life changing commitment elsewhere that has clashed and you won’t be able to attend sadly let DH do what he wants I would be considering divorce

Mumof2teens79 · 03/11/2023 02:19

Thepeopleversuswork · 02/11/2023 23:29

@Mumof2teens79

So you ARE saying that anyone who doesn't send their child for private school exams has a chip on their shoulder and doesn't prioritise their child's education
Otherwise we'd all be doing it

No I'm not saying that. I've gone out of my way not to say that in my post. What I'm saying is that anyone who thinks a lunch, which lasts at best three hours, is more important than an event which impacts their child's life choices, is a moron.

It doesn't have to be a school entrance exam: it could be football trials or a school field trip or just sitting down with them an doing their homework. Or anything which has the potential to be beneficial for your child's education.

It's a lack of ability to plan ahead and put your child first. It's selfish and short-sighted.

Edited

But you have said that anyone who prioritises anything over the exam is?
And the majority of people do NOT enter these exams.
There is nothing stopping anyone on this thread entering all their local private entrance exams on the off chance of a scholarship...but we don't so you think that's because we have a chip on our shoulder or don't care about education.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 03/11/2023 03:38

I’ve never heard of the entire family joining in with someone else’s wedding anniversary celebration.

Why would someone else celebrate the length of your marriage.

Are you serious? It's very common to celebrate someone's milestone wedding anniversary, and often with more than just family members. I've attended my grandparent's, my parent's, my pil's, and a close friend's wedding anniversaries. No siblings, or I undoubtedly would have attended theirs as well. Oh, and I went out for a lunch for my aunt and uncle also.

Dentistlakes · 03/11/2023 05:14

The exam should be prioritised over lunch and I’m sure your in-laws would agree. They would probably be horrified to find out their grandson was missing something so important over lunch. Your DH is being daft.

Dentistlakes · 03/11/2023 05:15

Just seen your update, excellent news!

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 03/11/2023 05:18

Completely agree and it only makes sense to prioritise the exam if there is a decent chance that he could get it.

MooFroo · 03/11/2023 06:10

Dinglewoop · 01/11/2023 22:51

I'd let DS do exam whilst you go to lunch and plan another time for DS to see PIL. Can you get family/ friends on your side to babysit for exam? As then you and partner can be fully focused on lunch. PIL should want DS to get into the best school.

this - a simple solution

noworklifebalance · 03/11/2023 06:17

Ivesaidenough · 03/11/2023 01:19

Quick update - DP did call the school, and explained that DS wasn't available on that date and asked if they had any advice.
They said that actually once you're sent the exam information, you are given the option to reject the date, and there's a back up exam on another day! So it's all sorted. And I'm relieved I didn't have to choose the exam over lunch...

This is great news but I would have issues with the fact your DP even chose lunch over your son’s exam. However, I presume you are both otherwise generally on the same page

PloddingAlong21 · 03/11/2023 06:26

Insane this is being asked.

Education. Every single time. Everybody will understand this and have no issue with it.

imagine he does not get to go to a decent schools he’s capable of attending because he has two attend a lunch for two hours. His entire life and the course it takes because of a lunch when he could see them anytime. This is insane.

Sayitaintso33 · 03/11/2023 06:27

I'm glad your problem has been solved, but my thoughts are:

The lunch is/was irrelevant.

The exam is clearly more important, but your son should only be sitting it if he has a realistic chance of winning a scholarship.

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