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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Entrance exam vs lunch

253 replies

Ivesaidenough · 01/11/2023 22:45

We have agreed to go to a lunch my PIL are holding for their anniversary, it was planned and booked several months ago. Lots of people, not just us, fancy restaurant.
Since then, one of the schools DS was meant to be applying for has released their entrance exam date, and it's on the same day. It's our nearest school, and the most likely to offer DS a scholarship. We can't afford private school without one. DP says DS can't go now as we've already agreed to the lunch.

AIBU to still want DS to do the exam?

OP posts:
askmenow · 02/11/2023 10:17

Ivesaidenough · 02/11/2023 00:40

That's kind of my thinking. I could take him, and DP and the other two DC can go to the lunch. DS and I might even be able to join later if the exam is early. DP thinks it's unreasonable to even consider it.

Show DP this thread! END OF!

NotLactoseFree · 02/11/2023 10:17

What message is he sending your son? "Oh, we didn't think you stand a chance anyway so it's really no big deal".

the exam will most likely be over by lunch and you and he can make an appearance, even if you have missed pre-drinks/first course.

Itsnotchristmasyet · 02/11/2023 10:19

NotLactoseFree · 02/11/2023 10:17

What message is he sending your son? "Oh, we didn't think you stand a chance anyway so it's really no big deal".

the exam will most likely be over by lunch and you and he can make an appearance, even if you have missed pre-drinks/first course.

I agree.

This is important and I bet PIL would agree too.

Your DH is being really unfair.

dutysuite · 02/11/2023 10:28

My son would be going to the exam and that would be the end of the discussion.

PerditaProvokesEnmity · 02/11/2023 10:42

Bankholidayboredom23 · 02/11/2023 06:17

DH goes to lunch, you and son don't. Do you mean bursary rather than scholarship? Scholarship is a % discount off fees based on results/talent, bursary is financial assistance based on income. Keep in mind if you are going for bursary you will be expected to divulge a lot of personal financial information about the family. If your DH is not on board about the school he might be reluctant about this and have your arguments ready.

All this.

I was going to ask if you have actually enquired about bursaries. Sometimes they’re only accessible via gaining a scholarship but some are entirely independent of scholarships. (Though your child would need to possess some qualities that make him particularly attractive to the school.)

It does seem strange that you and your husband haven’t come to the obvious solution of you taking your son to the exam (and perhaps joining your PILs later?).

VanityDiesHard · 02/11/2023 10:44

RedHelenB · 01/11/2023 23:21

I'd prioritise the lunch. Sounds as though you can't really afford private school

Is this post a joke!?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/11/2023 10:44

Of course the exam comes first. Absolutely no question.

Your DH is obviously going to be disappointed, but he’s being an idiot

maybein2022 · 02/11/2023 10:45

Does you DH want your child to go to private school, or have a chance at it? If he does, he wouldn’t be considering choosing a lunch over the exam.

VanityDiesHard · 02/11/2023 10:49

fuckityfuckityfuckfuck · 02/11/2023 08:46

I don't think it's a clear cut as everyone is making out. You can only afford the school if he gets a scholarship, which is remote for most DC. Is he exceptionally bright or just bright? Has he had tutoring to prepare? Does he do well in exams? Does he want to sit the exam/go to the school?

If there's a good chance he'd be able to achieve a scholarship then yes, I'd absolutely prioritise the exam but if it's just sitting the exam for the off chance then I'd go to the lunch.

You cannot be serious. It is a LUNCH. Versus possibly his whole future. Even with all the caveats you state, once he gets his foot in the door he will have that confidence, much more so than if he never even tried because he had to go to lunch.

Gcsunnyside23 · 02/11/2023 10:57

Wow can't believe your partner thinks the lunch trumps the exam. Even more so as your other sons had the opportunity. The exams are usually early first thing so more than likely you will make the lunch. But why not call the school and find out the details? I wouldn't leave it to your husband as he will say they said no for an easy life for him. If I even thought of not taking my son to the exam my parents would be annoyed with me as I'm sure your in laws would be too. If you and your son do miss the lunch you can always organise another celebration between your family and in laws where you are all there

coconutpie · 02/11/2023 10:59

Is your DP normally this fucking stupid? Don't ask him to ring the school for an alternative date, it will look dreadful if he says the reason DS can't attend the exam is due to a lunch. The school will think your priorities are all wrong and may mark that against you in assessing the scholarship.

Tell DP that DS's education comes first and he will be attending the exam. Also ring PIL and tell them the same. Sorry that the lunch now clashes and you are sure they'll understand why DS and you will be missing it. If they don't understand, well to hell with them.

RenoDakota · 02/11/2023 11:18

Ivesaidenough · 02/11/2023 00:21

I've asked DP to check with school if there is another date DS could do instead - he thinks there won't be.

I wouldn't trust someone so ignorant to do the checking. Would do it myself.
Well, no, actually, I would take my son to the exam whether he (husband) liked it or not.

mindutopia · 02/11/2023 11:23

Of course you take your dc to his exam. It could have an impact on the rest of his life and his long-term happiness. Lunch, even an anniversary one, is just a lunch. No different than any other lunch. I can't imagine any grandparent who wouldn't be really upset to find out their grandchild missed an important event to come to a lunch that frankly is more for the adults than the kids. Take him for his exam and go join them after or plan for a special one-to-one lunch with grandparents the following weekend. Your dp and other dc still go.

potatoheads · 02/11/2023 12:13

If he says there is an alternative exam date I'd double check. He's weird enough that he may just lie

BananaPyjamaLlama · 02/11/2023 12:14

Education is more important than lunch. Take him to the exam.

Sennelier1 · 02/11/2023 21:14

Is this a hoax, right? O.k., if your DP family agrees to finance DC's furhther ecmducation then yes, they can priotorise their fancy lunch. Otherwise : the exam comes first.

myboyatuni · 02/11/2023 21:17

Having been through entrance exams with my own son and scholarship assessments, it’s not even up for discussion .. your son does the exam .. let your partner go to lunch .. selfish behaviour from him & no regard for your son’s behaviour who has to be your number one priority.

Mrsmaggie27 · 02/11/2023 21:21

Genuinely can’t believe this is a question!!! It’s an absolute no brainier! You and ur son go to the exam! Iv never in my life met anyone narcissistic enough to expect people to prioritise some anniversary lunch (which kids do not care about) over something as important as that! What planet is ur dp on? It’s not up for discussion

emmafenella · 02/11/2023 21:27

I can’t believe that this is even a question 😦 Clearly the exam trumps lunch by a mile! Your partner’s priorities are very strange and very scrambled.

MafsisNafsbutcompelling · 02/11/2023 21:28

Omg - a lunch???? What’s wrong with your man . Send him alone and join them after

TentChristmas · 02/11/2023 21:46

Fuck your DP is a dick. Even if it was a wedding you should do the exam!

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 02/11/2023 21:46

I don't approve of private schools, and even I think YANBU.

Mariposista · 02/11/2023 21:47

Sounds like it's your DH who could do with going back to school as he clearly isn't that bright! Doubt he would get a scholarship though hahaha
It sounds like he isn't that keen on your son going to the private school and he is looking for an excuse. Because of course a one-off exam comes before a lunch!

ACGTHelixA · 02/11/2023 21:53

Ivesaidenough · 02/11/2023 00:21

I've asked DP to check with school if there is another date DS could do instead - he thinks there won't be.

just because he thinks does not equal he is right

Doggymummar · 02/11/2023 21:55

Of course he does the EXAM.

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