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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Entrance exam vs lunch

253 replies

Ivesaidenough · 01/11/2023 22:45

We have agreed to go to a lunch my PIL are holding for their anniversary, it was planned and booked several months ago. Lots of people, not just us, fancy restaurant.
Since then, one of the schools DS was meant to be applying for has released their entrance exam date, and it's on the same day. It's our nearest school, and the most likely to offer DS a scholarship. We can't afford private school without one. DP says DS can't go now as we've already agreed to the lunch.

AIBU to still want DS to do the exam?

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 02/11/2023 07:28

The exam has to take priority of course

tara66 · 02/11/2023 07:29

You do realize your DS may eternally regret not doing the exam and missing the life chances he may have had thanks to your stupid DH and this lunch??
You DS needs this do this exam.
If he does not do it will he blame you and DH for this missed opportunity?
You have wrong priorities.

StrictlyComeSnoozing · 02/11/2023 07:30

It takes a special sort of moron to think that a lunch should take priority over an exam, which can only happen at that set time, and which will potentially impact your child's education for many years.

Your husband is a moron.

Pleasealexa · 02/11/2023 07:31

From your update it seems that chance of entry to the school is low which is why your DH isn't bothered. Do you both agree you can afford private?

Did your other children go to a non private senior school?

Icefoot · 02/11/2023 07:32

OMG my DP's would be horrified to think a their DGC missed the exam for their lunch.

It's a shame, but you can have a special lunch with them another time.

HavfrueDenizKisi · 02/11/2023 07:33

Oh god don't ask the school for an alternative date. They'll want a good reason and you'll look like idiots.

twattydogshavetwattypeople · 02/11/2023 07:35

If I were in the grandparents' position, I would rearrange the lunch.

SoupDragon · 02/11/2023 07:39

Your DP is being an idiot!

Take your DS to the exam, let DP and the other kids go to the meal like you said.

StrictlyComeSnoozing · 02/11/2023 07:41

Don't ask for an alternative date, just prioritise your child!

Don't remember who said private school isn't nice for people who can't afford to be there but I'll bite. I sat, passed and was awarded a full scholarship for the 5 private schools in my area. I grew up in a poor family, living in a poor area. It was a struggle for my parents to get the money together to sit the entrance exams as there was a fee for each one, plus transport as neither drove.

I had the absolute best time and experience and was able to be exposed to things that just otherwise would never have featured in my world. It also taught me a wealth of soft skills which have stood me in good stead for the rest of my life. No, my parents couldn't afford to send me on every school trip abroad, but most people didn't go on them all for a myriad of reasons. I'd honestly recommend it to anybody.

saraclara · 02/11/2023 07:42

twattydogshavetwattypeople · 02/11/2023 07:35

If I were in the grandparents' position, I would rearrange the lunch.

Really? You don't think the date might be significant for them? And....

it was planned and booked several months ago. Lots of people, not just us, fancy restaurant

FeltCarrot · 02/11/2023 07:45

When my children were doing entrance exams they were always in the morning, so there is a chance your DS could do the exam and still make lunch.

GuitarGeorgina · 02/11/2023 07:48

Exam takes priority, without any doubt.

foremostwilly · 02/11/2023 07:55

Tell your partner the exam is more important than the lunch and if he does not understand why, he can move back in with his parents.

willWillSmithsmith · 02/11/2023 08:02

What kind of idiot are you married to? This is a no brainer. Of course the exam goes ahead. Your idiot husband can go to the lunch and you and your son follow on after. No ifs no buts this is not up for discussion.

Mumof2teens79 · 02/11/2023 08:11

What say is it? Most of the private school exams here are weekdays....I think the grammar schools in neighbouring area are on Saturdays

Is your DS significantly more intelligent than his brothers? Has he been encouraged to apply for scholarship places? Has he had tutoring to prepare?

It sounds like your DP is on a very different page when it comes to education....and unlike many here I don't necessarily think scholarship to private school is all its cracked up to be. Very very few get full scholarship, if lucky you may get 10% off fees, and have to reapply every year.
If gis brothers didn't get in, it's going to be difficult having them in different schools with different opportunities and different costs.

You need to agree with your DP how important/likely it is that he goes to this school, and how your DP feels about that.
If you both agree that it would be a brilliant opportunity and something you both/all want then obviously he misses the lunch....or arrives late.

BogRollBOGOF · 02/11/2023 08:23

The exam comes first. Secondary school is important as a foundation for what comes next in life. You can't miss a critical opportunity just for a nice lunch to celebrate someone elses' special occasion.

DS had to leave his GP's funeral early so we could fly home for his secondary induction days. GP had been ailing for a while and we had warned aunts/ uncles about the prioritisation in advance and then it fell that way with a restricted number of dates around other family commitments. It was important because of DS's autism so he needed as much familiarity with the school as possible prior to starting. I missed a chunk of my induction day as I had to leave early to go to my dad's funeral. It was then rubbed in in the September on starting when references were made to the induction that I missed out on and it felt like starting on catch-up, plus dredging up the bereavement.
We'd already planned to cut short our holiday which had been booked earlier, and then the funeral occurred, and cut that further in order to go home, re-pack and fly out.

fuckityfuckityfuckfuck · 02/11/2023 08:46

I don't think it's a clear cut as everyone is making out. You can only afford the school if he gets a scholarship, which is remote for most DC. Is he exceptionally bright or just bright? Has he had tutoring to prepare? Does he do well in exams? Does he want to sit the exam/go to the school?

If there's a good chance he'd be able to achieve a scholarship then yes, I'd absolutely prioritise the exam but if it's just sitting the exam for the off chance then I'd go to the lunch.

Rewis · 02/11/2023 08:49

Does your dp not want your kid to go to private school? Obviously answer is that he goes with other kids. You and examkid join later. And maybe take PIL's for lunch another time.

How big is this lunch? Like just PIL and their kids and grandkids at local pub? Or whole extended family and friends in Michelin star restaurant cabinet?

DrinkingMyWaterMindingMyBiz · 02/11/2023 08:49

I can’t even believe your DP thinks you’re BU. Absolutely take him to the exam and meet the others afterwards, if you can. Surely the lunch can be rebooked as a dinner if it’s that important?

user1471538283 · 02/11/2023 08:50

When my DS sat his extrance all the places were taken from that and there was a waiting list. So even if there is a back up entrance the places could all be gone. My DS' was an all day thing.

If he is potentially having a full scholarship missing the entrance might affect that.

It's a lunch. Your DS comes first!

minipie · 02/11/2023 08:51

I have to admit I’m not sure it’s so important for DS to be at the lunch anyway. It sounds like quite an adult occasion, I imagine many of the guests will be grandparents’ age. They are celebrating a long marriage and I would have thought the principal guests are the friends and family who’ve been with them through those years.

Has anyone actually asked the grandparents or is it just your DP’s view?

SleepingStandingUp · 02/11/2023 08:57

He should sit the exam and his grandparents and father should support it.

Did your other kids get in? You said it's a long shot so does that mean he's bright but of course you'd be fortunate to get a scholarship? Or he's kinda average but a fluke of luck might scrape him through?

So is DH saying "stuff education, MY parents matter more than any thing" or "it'll just be another hyper day of expectation for nothing but tears, why put him through it?"

purpletrees16 · 02/11/2023 08:59

Lol. I am imagining this type of priority for exams… oh I can’t do a professional exam, I have a lunch!

Your DH can go. It’s a fancy lunch 10/11 year olds aren’t exactly the target audience.

Wonderfulz · 02/11/2023 09:00

You have the best plan. Your sons schooling tops any celebration

Marblessolveeverything · 02/11/2023 09:00

I'm sorry your dh thinks a lunch trumps a school place? Forget the wobble check if he actually has a brain!