To not want to help FIL after surgery?

[fluffyboos]

I dont have the best relationship with my in laws due to their past behaviour towards me.
FIL is especially very sarcastic, offensive and irritating.

FIL has come out of hospital due to surgery on his prostate and will be on bed rest for at least 4 weeks.

My husband wants me to go round with a box of chocolates and a card and offer to help and perhaps try and make peace.

My main issue is that when my own father was diagnosed with prostate cancer at the height of the lockdown, my in laws offered me no support whatsoever.

In fact my FIL even shouted at me calling me lazy for no reason whatsoever, he actually made me cry, all this whilst I couldnt even see my dad whilst he was receiving treatment.

Despite this I still did the bulk of my in laws chores in lockdown and never received a thank you or any appreciation.

I work part time where my husband and his sisters both work full time so they are limited on time.

My MIL has arthritis and will struggle to look after him on her own.

I dont see why I should be expected to help just because I work part time.

In laws are not grateful people and I have told my husband that they cant be nasty and ungrateful but expect help of me.

I have refused to go round and it is causing massive tension in the house.
Surely my husband and his siblings should arrange help between them?

They arent even my parents.

I am all for helping people but not when they have been so disrespectful and nasty towards me.

My husband is now quite upset and not really talking.

Am I being nasty like my husband says?

Another one for stick to Ur guns. Don't want to do it, don't do it.
It's nice and easy for DH to send u round to do all the work and then he looks good in his parents eyes. Thanks but no thanks. Especially not after DH is giving u a bad time for saying no.
Don't be pushed around OP.
Be nice but say carers need to come in to help him. That's the normal practise.

They sound frightful.

You rep what you sow. I'm sure if your husband wants them cared for in a particular manner, he can either do so himself or make alternative arrangements.
You are not obliged
You are not a servant

I’m so sorry OP but your DH can go fuck himself. I am disgusted that he thinks it’s ok for his parents to treat you so badly and then expect you to step in like a slave. Seriously fuck that. Stick to your guns. DH can get a grip. Their care is down to him and siblings, nothing to do with you. Honestly draw your battle lines now and don’t back down.

Your inlaws sounds like mine. I wouldn't help mine either. I think you are totally within your rights to refuse. Brings to mind a saying you need to stop leaping oceans for people who wouldn't jump a puddle for you.

Dh had a radical prostatectomy and was up and home the next day, looking after his catheter and managing very well.
4 weeks bed rest is a load of bollocks

ABSOLUTELY NOT! He's not your responsibility. His children can look after him or pay for care.

He's had no respect for you, you have no loyalty for him.

DH still dosent really grasp how I feel.
I just told him again tonight he should be having this conversation with his siblings not me.

The topic was mentioned again of the worry of who will step in and provide help in later years.

In laws have plenty of money to buy care, but they are quite frugal so I cant see them wanting to pay for care.

I just told my husband if anything he will have to give up work if it gets that bad as I 100% will not be helping whatsoever.

With the whole will thing, both his parents have told me that DH will inherit everything as the other siblings dont help them at all.

But according to DH I am mentioned in the will, I dont believe him as they would of mentioned it to me, but I dont care either way.

Like I told my husband, I didnt even get a simple thank you or box of chocolates for all the hours spent in the past helping them .

So it would be strange for me to be in the will.

It will be interesting to see what happens in the future because I certainly wont be helping.

He grasps how you feel, he just doesn't want to hear it and doesn't give a shit.

I bet he is used to you doing as you're told.

You continued to help his parents despite their awful treatment of you.

He doesn't want to understand because he wants you to be free skivvy and care for his parents.

You don't trust him.

You believe him to be well capable of lying to you to manipulate you.

Your instincts are good.

He will not let this go.

He's a controlling manipulative liar and a bully, and he intends to try and grind you down.

Both his parents and he are united in using you as free carer and skivvy as they age.

People so mean as to show no appreciation for your previous help, have no intention of including you in their will.

Your husband doesn't want them paying for carers.

He wants to use you.

He will not give up.

He's a nasty man and I would expect you will see just how nasty he is as you continue to say No.

Don't expect to see a penny of any inheritance.

I may sound very negative but being an old woman, I, like a lot of posters have the measure of your husband.

You are not his priority.

His parents intact inheritance is.

Protect yourself.

I expect you to come back on MN aghast at just how vile he has become as you continue to say NO.

The tell was that he allowed his parents to be awful to you in the first place.

A good man would have had your back, he only has his own.

I so hope you don't share children.

Agree that no way would a doctor give him 4 weeks bed rest. They want FIL up and moving around within 24 hours or so. It's not good for FIL to lay in bed. He is either lying or misunderstood the instructions from the doctor. FIL may just want a maid for 4 weeks and OP has been elected. Stand your ground. FIL owes OP the apology. I wouldn't go to FIL period. He'll just abuse OP the whole time.

@billy1966 has it. @fluffyboos you are not your DH’s priority. He isn’t hearing you.

His priority is to maximise his inheritance (no care fees) and minimising his discomfort around his DH - to achieve this he has nominated you to be thrown under the bus.

You might have decades to endure this conflict with your DH. Make sure you are legally and financially protected.

Agreed.

In several cases that involved my friends, there were only sons, or only sons living nearby.

In-laws and their sons ASSUMED the DIL's would just take on the extra workload.
They got some shock when it was spelt out to them.
All texts were forwarded on to their sons.

Not one of my friends were prepared to do it having done it for their own parents, some were still helping their own parents.

Also they had juggled children and activities and they made it clear that their husbands wouldn't be dumping on them now that they had some caring duties.

It was eye opening to see how just how much men balk at the tedium of shopping, doctors/hospital appointments and all the paperwork involved.

They really don't like it, especially when it eats into their down time at the weekend.

They have had to get on with it!

For the people who question the 4 weeks bedrest..that is the recommended time with no heavy lifting or climbing stairs. So FIL will need help but it does not have to be you. The hospital should put a care plan in place before he leaves and he will need to pay for care if above a certain income. If on low income SS should provide assistance.

You need to stick to your guns, it's not like you're being awkward it's about morals, principles and mutual respect. It sounds like you've inherited problems that the other siblings know only too well and that's where the problems lie. Your FIL sounds like an arrogant, manipulative bully and your DH seems to think it's ok for both him and his father to disrespect you - sorry, no. Your DH should be supportive of your feelings afterall you have explained your reasons more than once, he just chooses to ignore you x

arg, just spent the day helping with the prostate teaching clinic at work.

He'll be up and walking the same day. We encourage the wife to be present post op for the reinforcement of the catheter care.

No heavy lifting, no vigorous exercise for the month. He can do stairs in moderation.

We even arrange homecare

Tell your husband to call the surgeon for information.

YANBU. Stand your ground, sounds like your husband is trying to either bully you into helping or emotionally hurting you to try and get you to help. Would he help your parents if they treated him like his parents treat you. He sounds a lot like his father, stay strong and keep saying no. Also 4 weeks bedrest, he would be very weak if he stayed in bed for 4 weeks, I think this needs to be questioned.

YANBU, OP. My DH doesn’t help me support my elderly Dad (85), but he does support me doing it, iyswim. That’s quite enough for you to do as well.

After my Dad had an operation last year, for example, I stayed with him for two weeks during his recovery and DH kept things going at home with our teens so that I could do it. I’ve used up most of my leave over the last two years supporting Dad, and that’s OK.

Your DH and his sister can take leave to support their Dad if they want to, they could each take a week off, for example.

My husband had prostrate surgery no way did he stay in bed for weeks Your uo after operations really quickly to prevent Deep vein thrombosis he is pulling a fast one so not give in I never did as my father in law was rude to me and my mother in law made excuses for him but I just never visited after the threw out our family and made the grandchildren cry he favoured my husbands younger brother but they were childless no excuse He thought lesser of women going to work for pin money he said I’ve been the breadwinner all my life He held his wife back as he couldn’t even get his own meals

according to DH I am mentioned in the will, I dont believe him as they would of mentioned it to me, but I dont care either way.

There is a very old joke about an elderly man who died, and his will was being read, After the bulk of the bequests had been read out, the youngest son, who had caused his family no end of emotional pain and trouble, was still awaiting his share,

At last the solicitor got to the final paragraph. "And to my youngest son, David, who I promised my wonderful wife of 50 years, Ellen, on her deathbed, that I would mention in my will - Hello there, David."

It might be that sort of mention.

Tell your DH that you would much rather they spent any money they had intended to leave to you on keeping themselves comfortable and well-looked after. Knowing that they are cared for not by you will be the greatest gift they could give you.

Using wills to manipulate behaviour is appalling.

Well done for standing your ground.

Nope. Reap what tho sow, fil sounds like a horrible person and I wouldn’t do it. Your in-laws and not so “d” h also sound twatty to assume you should pick up their slack. Fuck that !

@fluffyboos - you wrote this a few posts back:
”Im not really sure what happens now as MIL and my husband have discussed tonight what would happen in the future when they would need more help and assistance.
It would be down to my husband as the other siblings couldnt care less.”

What happens, if your DH has PoA is that he contacts Social Services and starts the ball rolling for community care services for them. They spend their money to get the necessary care resources for themselves.

It’s also not down to your husband to care for them, or the siblings. There’s a reason (or many) why their own children don’t want to step up. I’m very much on your team and Team Siblings. They pay for their care. That way they’re guaranteed to get it.

You might want to ask your DH why he feels obligated and obliged to do the caring and to delegate that to you? Does he fear that he too would get cut out of the will? Is it that important for him?

OP he understands trust me. He just doesnt care.

You might want to ask your DH why he feels obligated and obliged to do the caring and to delegate that to you? Does he fear that he too would get cut out of the will? Is it that important for him?

Its self interest and lining his own pockets to the max in 2 ways.

He knows that FIL has cut his siblings out of the will so his ‘share’ could be substantial. He doesn’t want to be cut out so will tap dance to any tune of the FIL

Care home fees are significant (£7k / month for each PIL) as would be decades of help at home.

Your DH wants you to do all of this work for free whilst being abused so that he can max out his inheritance - which I have stated before you or your DCs have zero entitlement to.

I agree with a little bit of this opinion - but I also think is important to remember Op’s DH may still be capable of acceptance if allowed a little time and space for his initial default reaction.

In my job and in my own personal life, I’ve found it is usual when someone changes like you are currently Op for those around you, especially those who are loved by you, to find that extremely hard initially (same is true of people in work situations). It’s hard to feel forced to have to accept change you were not expecting. Especially if the change disadvantageous you in some way ( this dynamic has had to in some way work for everyone including the op in some way otherwise it would have existed for years- it is only the op is is currently burnt out by it though). It’s sometimes hard for people to see there is the dynamic when they’re in it - most people who spot it easily from the outside have spend notable time being burnt by it on the inside.

I loved your latest update Op, you have managed that really first important step needed for this to change. There is some responsibility, I feel, on you now to allow your DH to come to the same realisation as you that this is not ok for either of you to continue. It’s taken you years to realise what the issue is (as the person disadvantaged by the dynamic you had both accidentally created). It’s to be expected that the other person in the relationship may still have not noticed the real issue yet (because it has had some real advantages for them they may not have noticed they had but they’ll definitely notice no longer having!)

after this fabulous start Op. I would recommend you step back a little and just look after yourself and see if your DH can adjust as you need him to. Every time he speaks to you about it calming repeat your message. Im sure he already understands you, he might just be struggling to accept it. Some people will (even if they’re a bit reluctant to and may even have a bit of an “extinction burst” before accepting) will accept and change and some people will never ever accept or change. I don’t know which way your DH will go as I don’t know him but I suspect you could give an instinct good guess, which may or may not be proved correct. Sometimes you think they’ll go one way because you fear them going that way and actually they go the other way.

There are 3 positions in the drama triangle: persecutor, victim and rescuer. It is worth remembering that it isn’t just the rescuer who suffers in some way in this dynamic - persecutors and victims are suffering in a different way too. And that rescuers spend a life time rescuing because it works for them right up until the point it burns them out.

He may not care. He may show that he does care with time to accept. This sounds like the first time Op has ever told him she doesn’t like doing what she’s always done.

Don’t back down.
If the family can’t help tell them to contact social services to get carers in. Hopefully they’ll have to pay towards it too! They sound awful xx