To not want to help FIL after surgery?

[fluffyboos]

I dont have the best relationship with my in laws due to their past behaviour towards me.
FIL is especially very sarcastic, offensive and irritating.

FIL has come out of hospital due to surgery on his prostate and will be on bed rest for at least 4 weeks.

My husband wants me to go round with a box of chocolates and a card and offer to help and perhaps try and make peace.

My main issue is that when my own father was diagnosed with prostate cancer at the height of the lockdown, my in laws offered me no support whatsoever.

In fact my FIL even shouted at me calling me lazy for no reason whatsoever, he actually made me cry, all this whilst I couldnt even see my dad whilst he was receiving treatment.

Despite this I still did the bulk of my in laws chores in lockdown and never received a thank you or any appreciation.

I work part time where my husband and his sisters both work full time so they are limited on time.

My MIL has arthritis and will struggle to look after him on her own.

I dont see why I should be expected to help just because I work part time.

In laws are not grateful people and I have told my husband that they cant be nasty and ungrateful but expect help of me.

I have refused to go round and it is causing massive tension in the house.
Surely my husband and his siblings should arrange help between them?

They arent even my parents.

I am all for helping people but not when they have been so disrespectful and nasty towards me.

My husband is now quite upset and not really talking.

Am I being nasty like my husband says?

@MoonlitStarryNights have you read the OPs posts? No this is not the first time she has spoken to her DH about the FIL being offensive and abusive to her. This has been going on for years since COVID and the DH has throughout refused to accept the OPs personal stance because it may have consequences on his cash flow in terms of being in the will and the size of it if OP doesn’t wipe arse for free for potentially decades.

*DH has a habit of making excuses for their vile behaviour.

DH thinks because in laws invited us over for Sunday dinner a few times in lockdown "they have done a lot for me" when I point out the hours of time I have spent helping them he will say "but its not a competition".

Unfortunately my husband will always back his parents, right or wrong.
I do think the reason for that is because he is the sole beneficiary of their will and estate and will inherit everything.

FIL even told us the day they went to the solicitors to cut the other siblings out the will for "not helping" and "will get bugger all too".

My husband does try and manipulate me and than say "Oh but they have put you in their will as well" as like an incentive to help them.*

If you’re thinking I missed that there is practically zero chance her in-laws will willing accept change… I haven’t. I just wanted to counteract the overwhelming message that her DH will never change. He might.

I agree she’s said she’s not happy before but I think she’s been clearer this time than she’s been before what the actual problem is for her. It took me 10 years to start telling my DH - he and his parents were harming me - till he accepted it. What changed for me was EMDR therapy - helped me realise that deep down I thought I deserved to be treated that way so was accidently giving my DH mixed messages. Once I truly believed I was being treated really badly and took a line in the sand saying I will not be treated this way anymore, my DH was actually really sad when he finally saw how I’d been feeling for decades! I’m sure the fact I knew I would leave our marriage If change didn’t happen motivated him to accept change too!

@Gloriously - thank you for the feedback I hadn’t got my point across well at all. The way you chose to put it meant it was a bit painful for me to hear but mostly very useful.

I should clarify that when I wrote this paragraph earlier this morning the coffee hadn't kicked in so it may have read as though the siblings should pay for the care of their parents. That is not what I meant.

I meant that the parents should open their purses and pay for their own care:
"It’s also not down to your husband to care for them, or the siblings. There’s a reason (or many) why their own children don’t want to step up. I’m very much on your team and Team Siblings. They pay for their care. That way they’re guaranteed to get it."
The 'they' that I have highlighted here is the parents should pay for their own care. That way they (the parents) are guaranteed to get it.

Hope that clarifies things. Just in case it wasn't clear

@fluffyboos I’ve been reading your thread and started wondering: Is your husband the golden child of his family? Maybe his siblings started to recognize this and disengaged with the fuckery completely?

Even if he isn’t the golden child and was treated similarly to his siblings, maybe your husband made the business-like decision to just put up with it to get the inheritance while the other kids decided not to bother?

@MoonlitStarryNights kindly meant but 10 years of harm and EDMR required, with the threat of the marriage ending before your husband miraculously "got it".

Nope, I really wouldn't be advocating such self sacrifice.

The OP's husband is an absolute dud.

Good men don't allow family to abuse their partners, for any reason.

Wishing YOU well.

You are being lured into becoming their skivvy.. Likely your inheritance will be fil's bedpan and nothing more... Stick to your guns. Or await dh's inheritance and claim half and ltb.

@Ibravedaflood

You are being lured into becoming their skivvy.. Likely your inheritance will be fil's bedpan and nothing more... Stick to your guns. Or await dh's inheritance and claim half and LTB

Hilarious about the bedpan - but @fluffyboos cannot claim 1/2 inheritance - it remains 100% her DH - not part of the family pot / assets to be divided in the event of a divorce.

Yes husband is seen as the golden child, he has always been close to his parents.

He was still living with them at 30 when I first met him.
I think because my husband (when he can) will constantly run round after them they favour him.

They are just very self entitled people, in lockdown they were complaining they were not getting enough offers of help.

Usually we would go halves on Christmas presents for his family, but I told my husband today any Christmas gifts relating to his side of the family he will just have to pay for them himself.

Do you think that they are a misogynist family? As noted that the two siblings who have withdrawn are female. What’s the MIL’s status?

@Gloriously
I dont they are a misogynist family and MIL is ten times worse than FIL, she is the one who gets FIL all worked up.

None of the spouses of the siblings like IL either and keep there distance from them as MIL used to constantly interfere.

I have told my husband I am surprised nobody has slapped MIL as she really is a nasty piece of work who thinks because she is almost 80 she can get away with treating people like dirt.

OP, you really have married into the absolute dregs of a family.

You are far far to good and nice for them.

So telling that the siblings want nothing to do with their parents.

God knows what the full story is.

And your bucko is golden balls?

It doesn't sound like you have children.

Tread with great care.

If you were my daughter I would be most concerned that you have married a nasty bully and don't really know the real him.

They often only fully reveal themselves when pregnancy and a first child arrives.

It's NEVER a good reveal.

OP,

I would be really examining my marriage at this point. The fact that your husband sides with his parents over you, no matter what, is really concerning. He doesn’t sound like a good partner or person. I don’t know if you have children, but if not, I wouldn’t have them with him. Your husband is happy to use you as a meat shield, absorbing his parents’ abuse, all so he can get their inheritance. He isn’t behaving like a loving partner. He is coming across as absolutely selfish and self absorbed.

I feel you. My in-laws are narcissists and this is exactly the type of scenario I often find myself in.

Do not go, you have no obligation or reason to do it. His parents, his responsibility.

It’s just not as simple as that. It’s very likely that her husband has experienced abuse first hand. It’s very hard to untangle yourself from situations like this, even as an adult you still want to love and be loved by your parents.

Oh how awful for you. Seems like they are the classic the Narc family system. The main Narc (MIL) her enabler (FIL) - then the DCs each have a role golden child, scapegoat and the forgotten.

So much energy is expended keeping the Narc ‘happy’ (impossible) by everyone in the system incase they flip out in rage - they don’t even have to do it very often because everyone is on tenterhooks with just the threat.

Also all very familiar the manipulation and control around money.

Just so draining and exhausting to be wading through this swamp.

I do get your point and I would never advocate anyone risks abuse. What I included in my post was probably too small a snapshot to convey what I was actually trying to say. I regret that so I will just say one more thing: I needed that time and supports like EMDR even if I hadn’t ever met my DH. I blamed him for everything when actually my choices and actions were equally unhelpful. We both really hurt each other but I don’t think either of us ever meant to we were just unknowingly repeating family patterns. What I wish I had said is that every time we knew better we did better. I might have sometimes told him I was leaving if he didn’t quit hurting me but I suspect with hindsight those moment were actually some of the times when I hurt him.

@MoonlitStarryNights I understand your post “Hurt people, hurt people”.

Good for you for dealing with your hurt and lucky that your DH came along on a parallel journey of his own to heal his own hurts.

The OP has already detached from her IL who abused her - that’s her personal choice - if her DH can’t respect that or see the abuse from his DPs when it’s continual and all around then he is part of that abuse.

I would also question his integrity of doing everything to preserve this inheritance away from his siblings - any decent person would prepare for a deed of variation after their deaths and share it equally with his abused sisters. Doesn’t seem that he has the moral calibre to consider that.

YANBU
Tell your husband straight that his parents are not your responsible, you’re not being nasty but are not helping abusive people! Helping them will not ‘fix anything’… because they didn’t even appreciate all the running you did during covid lockdown.
Your husband is lazy and he and his sisters could easily take a day off each to help their parents but instead want to bully you so they don’t have to be inconvenienced!
If husband is ignoring you then I’d say enjoy the peace…. Go out of an evening and don’t bother telling him since he’s not talking anyway… or just come in, shower and go to a different room to him… I wouldn’t even cook for someone who was giving me the silent treatment! If text saying I’d eaten so he needed to get himself something!

This 100%
Tell your DH that you would much rather they spent any money they had intended to leave to you on keeping themselves comfortable and well-looked after. Knowing that they are cared for not by you will be the greatest gift they could give you.

@Gloriously thank you.

Some good advice and points given here.

Husband has been around to see IL and MIL said "I wish Fluffyboos was here and she was friendly".

I am gobsmacked as I did tell them back in May what the issues were and apparently IL just dont see what they have done wrong.

I genuinely think both IL must have some kind of mental problem/block.

Apparently my husband said nothing as he is sick of being caught in the middle.

I did contemplate texting MIL just to remind her again of the reasons and issues but decided I will just continue not speaking to them as silence is golden.

They sound like narcissists, my ex and his family were like that and it took me years to figure out what was going on. It all came to a head when our daughter was born, ex insisted I did everything his mum's way, err no that won't be happening with our child, and I stuck to it. 4 years later me & DD left - hubby had sided with MIL on everything, I was lucky to get out alive. 15 years later & we're still married, he won't share his pension so no divorce. His mum lives with him 🤣🤣

Yes they do have a mental block that is caused by the characteristics of narcissism:

Delusional

Grandiose

Entitled

Arrogant

They will never change - so don’t waste your finite headspace, time and emotional energy on them. They didn’t change for their own flesh and blood - their DDs - so zero chance of them changing for the dreaded DiL .... all you ever are / were to them is ‘narcissistic supply’ - so continue to take yourself out of their orbit.

I wouldn’t even be having any conversations with your DH about your decisions, his visit or their comments. They are zero concern of yours now. He is also their ‘flying monkey’ and carrying messages back from MIL which get under your skin (as intended by her and possibly by your DH as a passive aggressive punishment) - tell your DH not to give them any info about your life and tell him that you want zero info about theirs as it’s not helpful to your personal peace of mind, or to your relationship/marriage.

Put in that firm boundary with him.

People who abuse and manipulate you are of zero concern to you.

You have detached. You told them what the issues were in May. They know what they were. They have chosen to dismiss you and your needs and not hear you. That’s a choice. Don’t lower yourself by repeating this to them or your DH.

Watch out for the attempts to hoover you back in with exaggerated incidents, illnesses and manufactured / engineered crises - by both your DH and the IL.

Stand firm and resist.

Thank you @Gloriously some good advice you have offered.

Its funny you mention about telling DH not to mention anything about my life to my IL as I did actually tell him that a few months ago.

Your right there is no point wasting anymore headspace trying to get them to see how badly they have treated me, total narcissistic behaviour.

Most people including myself would apologise in this situation, but no not my IL.

I have not seen them for months and hopefully they will continue to get the hint that I am not interested.