To not want to help FIL after surgery?

[fluffyboos]

I dont have the best relationship with my in laws due to their past behaviour towards me.
FIL is especially very sarcastic, offensive and irritating.

FIL has come out of hospital due to surgery on his prostate and will be on bed rest for at least 4 weeks.

My husband wants me to go round with a box of chocolates and a card and offer to help and perhaps try and make peace.

My main issue is that when my own father was diagnosed with prostate cancer at the height of the lockdown, my in laws offered me no support whatsoever.

In fact my FIL even shouted at me calling me lazy for no reason whatsoever, he actually made me cry, all this whilst I couldnt even see my dad whilst he was receiving treatment.

Despite this I still did the bulk of my in laws chores in lockdown and never received a thank you or any appreciation.

I work part time where my husband and his sisters both work full time so they are limited on time.

My MIL has arthritis and will struggle to look after him on her own.

I dont see why I should be expected to help just because I work part time.

In laws are not grateful people and I have told my husband that they cant be nasty and ungrateful but expect help of me.

I have refused to go round and it is causing massive tension in the house.
Surely my husband and his siblings should arrange help between them?

They arent even my parents.

I am all for helping people but not when they have been so disrespectful and nasty towards me.

My husband is now quite upset and not really talking.

Am I being nasty like my husband says?

This!

What help is your h offering his dad?

Why did you do their chores in lockdown?

Is there a back story here with your h??

this absolutely. Why do you put up with this man?

I think there might be some lead-swinging here for a start… I’m sure he hasn’t been told to stay in bed, patients are usually encouraged to gently mobilise after surgery, even if that’s only personal care, making an odd cup of tea etc. I’m sorry, but I would probably do the bare minimum- essential shopping, hospital appointments etc but otherwise I’d stay away. You reap what you sow…

I would go even if it meant being not welcomed, as that way you will for once and all, be able to put a stop to anyone asking anything of you again from that family. The timings are interesting i.e. your father diagnosed with same condition at lock down - wonder if your FIL was actually wondering same himself and not admitting to it. He does however sound a bully but equally wonder if under immense stress himself from his own wife. Suspect they may be 70 - 80s therefore very proud and won't ask for/appreciate help either?

As a nurse, my question is this, why is your father in law on bedrest after routine surgery ?. This isnt the norm. Is he trying to pull a fast 1 ?

Totally not your problem. He can't be horrible to you and then expect you to be at his beck and call. You reep what you sow in life.

Ungrateful in laws are a pain in the arse; don’t back down it’s Dh’s father it’s up to him & siblings to sort this one out; if they can’t do it; then it’s up to them to arrange for paid carers to go in & look after the old miser; quite how your Dh had the audacity to ask you; knowing how his Df & Dm behave towards you is shocking; he should be berating them for their nastiness & telling them why he’s not asking you to help them.

If FIL has anything about him he will use some of the time when he is recuperating and feeling sorry for himself to reflect on how he has treated you in the past. It is he that needs to offer the olive branch, not you. Stand your ground. In the (seemingly unlikely) event that he makes an apology, accept it for the sake of the family. Going around with gifts for this unpleasant man would indicate that he can treat you exactly as he likes and still be tolerated.

Another long standing Nurse (retired) here saying no to that much bed rest, emphasis is on getting up and about as quickly as possible to prevent mobility, skin and circulation issues

This^

Nope.

Tell your husband where to go! Who implied you would be an unpaid carer for a nasty geezer?

@ATerrorofLeftovers has it absolutely right.

What one person says what they have written one day in their will and what is read out in the end could be two different things.
I have written a will and I have shown it to my DAC but I can change it next week, it is very easily done and not expensive.

YANBU.

May be a courtesy visit but stay away of any care.

Let your husband and his sisters take care of him

Don’t budge on this. They are your DH’s parents and he and his siblings need to sort out their time to accommodate their father. The onus shouldn’t be placed on you, especially when you have been criticised and put down over the years. Why would your husband ask this of you knowing how they have been with you and your reluctance to do this? Not your problem and you owe them nothing. Stand your ground

If they are wealthy they can pay for some help. Not your responsibility and unfair of your husband to even ask you. It's only ever DIL that seem to have this kind of thing thrust upon them, very rare to hear of SIL being asked to provide this kind of care.

Tell your husband him and his sister's can take a some A /L every week your FiL needs help I am sure between them they can cover this and say I am sure he would prefer his own family caring for him, men are very good at making us ladies feel as if we should be the care givers but it's not on.

My husbands surgeon (also prostate cancer) told him that his post-op period was the perfect time to get on with some light exercise such as cooking and washing/up …. but to wait a couple of weeks before hoovering and changing the beds 😂

What stands out to me Op is the fact your DH wants you to go with chocolates and a card in the hope of making things better between you and your in laws, so basically he's asking you to offer an apology when you've done nothing wrong?
I'd be willing to help in some ways but is he setting you up to be the help in the future so he and his siblings can just leave it to you?
My DM had dementia and sometimes she drove my DP up the wall but he was always great with her face to face, if ever he asked me to help his DPs I'd do it because I feel it's only right to return the favour- your DH didn't bother when your Dad was ill so you owe him nothing. You've heard the phrase "start as you mean to go on", well it's very apt here Op, if you get sucked in now they will expect you to be available going forward

Take round chocolates and a card and make peace? You aren’t the one who was rude and shouted at someone for no good reason. What help does your fil need? After a major stomach op, I did zero bed rest, just didn’t lift anything for weeks, but managed normal everything, hoovering (cordless), emptying dishwasher, cooking etc.

No wonder your Dh wants you on side if he’s the only one in the will, I bet fil will threaten to remove him if you don’t play ball! What an asshat!

Sounds like they've retained post op care from the Carry On era. Still if he wants to risk a PE?

@fluffyboos they can arrange a care package to cover his recuperation.
Why would you want to clear the air with people who treat you badly. They'll behave the same again.

Stick to your guns OP! Not your responsibility to look after this nasty piece of work

Tell him no . Sorry but you owe them nothing