To not want to help FIL after surgery?

[fluffyboos]

I dont have the best relationship with my in laws due to their past behaviour towards me.
FIL is especially very sarcastic, offensive and irritating.

FIL has come out of hospital due to surgery on his prostate and will be on bed rest for at least 4 weeks.

My husband wants me to go round with a box of chocolates and a card and offer to help and perhaps try and make peace.

My main issue is that when my own father was diagnosed with prostate cancer at the height of the lockdown, my in laws offered me no support whatsoever.

In fact my FIL even shouted at me calling me lazy for no reason whatsoever, he actually made me cry, all this whilst I couldnt even see my dad whilst he was receiving treatment.

Despite this I still did the bulk of my in laws chores in lockdown and never received a thank you or any appreciation.

I work part time where my husband and his sisters both work full time so they are limited on time.

My MIL has arthritis and will struggle to look after him on her own.

I dont see why I should be expected to help just because I work part time.

In laws are not grateful people and I have told my husband that they cant be nasty and ungrateful but expect help of me.

I have refused to go round and it is causing massive tension in the house.
Surely my husband and his siblings should arrange help between them?

They arent even my parents.

I am all for helping people but not when they have been so disrespectful and nasty towards me.

My husband is now quite upset and not really talking.

Am I being nasty like my husband says?

Emotionalsupportviper · Today 19:07

Well! That's fascinating, I love learning about things like that.

(Sorry for contributing to a diversion....)

I'd be telling DH where to stick his card and chocolates
& if he can't do that, he can take them to his 'D'F.

He sounds as much a twat as 'D'F TBH
watch out for signs of him morphing into his F as he gets older.

Is there a compromise? Send them some ‘cook’ vouchers? Drop round with a pre made meal for them and a bunch of flowers and card - stay for an hour making some empathic noises, then leave and go something nice”

WTF should OP even consider “compromising”? Her FIL is a bellend. Not worth a moment of her thought let alone effort.

WTF should OP even consider “compromising”? Her FIL is a bellend. Not worth a moment of her thought let alone effort.

100% @MrsSkylerWhite - “bellend” is generous - manipulative, demanding, abusive, bully seem more appropriate descriptors to this characters behaviour to all members of his family (except the golden balls DH - yet......)

We should never appease these types or be encouraged to keep the peace (ie be complicit and further enable their manipulative, demanding, abusive and bullying behaviours).

MrsSkylerWhite

Because her choice is;

Resentment and using up her energy and resource or guilt and having to deal with other peoples shit reaction.

I would fully condone the OP doing nothing but as someone that is in the process of putting more boundaries in, it isn’t as easy as it sounds. It comes with a cost. I’ve suggested the OP considers which of the two evils she prefers and if neither feels ok, a compromise. For her, not for them.

Please read my whole post, rather than just taking one bit and reacting.

Gloriously

In principle I completely agree. But the reality is that no person is an island. I would fully condone the OP telling them all to fuck off! But I know from personal experience that putting those boundaries in can often end up with you using more time and emotional energy. Do the OP has three rough choices (with some nuance):

1. Do nothing. Not her problem. But the cost to her is guilt and backlash.
2. Do ‘what’s expected. But the cost to her is resentment and you can never get it right. Uses up her time and resource.
3. Do something that feels manageable but is limited and uses up only the resource she feels able to give.

EqualityWhatequality

I did read your post. And the subsequent one:

“Do nothing. Not her problem. But the cost to her is guilt and backlash”

Why on earth would OP feel guilt?

Backlash? Why would there be, as you say, not her problem, not her father? Really can’t understand why so many women pussyfoot around and enable useless men. The obvious answer to any such nonsense is, your father wants help? Crack on, I’m not stopping you. Just leave me out of it.

MrsSkylerWhite

Gulit: Because, as women, we are often socialised into a sense of duty or responsibility to nurture and care for others. The guilt is likely. Not necessary - but likely. She can ignore the guilt but might not want that hassle. It’s not a sign she should do something different. Just a common feeling, especially for women, when we stand our ground and put boundaries in.

A backlash: because that is the dynamic the OP had described and is common when we start stepping out of our prescribed roles. It can be worth it but isn’t necessarily easy.

To be clear, I’m not telling the OP what to do. I’m empathising with the various tricky emotions she might feel and the difficult dynamic she is facing. Whatever she choses is potentially tricky for HER. My use of the word compromise was about an internal compromise to smooth things for her, if she doesn’t want to risk grappling with guilt and the backlash but also doesn’t want to stay in the role the system around her expects her to be in.

My point is, that she needs to work out what her end goal is and what she’s prepared to deal with in pursuing that.

There are choices here on a continuum: from do nothing and take a strong ‘no more’ position to doing what is expected. There are many options in between too which might be easier for HER in the long run.

EqualityWhatequality · Today 12:18

MrsSkylerWhite
**
Gulit: Because, as women, we are often socialised into a sense of duty or responsibility to nurture and care for others. The guilt is likely. Not necessary - but likely”

This is alien to me. The only people I have ever felt duty towards or responsibility for are our children. Honestly, it really is a choice.

@EqualityWhatequality - your approach to compromise and appease abusers assumes that the OP is stuck in FOG - fear, obligation and guilt - three emotions that are engendered in toxic, enmeshed and abusive family systems.

However none of these 3 emotions need to be taken on my the OP and she can make decisions and live in freedom without these constraints that keep her bound to the system.

Why should she feel any guilt towards this obnoxious abusive manipulative individual when his own DCs don’t?

@Gloriously
**
However none of these 3 emotions need to be taken on by the OP and she can make decisions and live in freedom without these constraints that keep her bound to the system.”

Absolutely. It really is as simple as saying no.

@EqualityWhatequality - well done to you for learning to put in boundaries.

I agree it is exhausting to enact this new skill - especially with difficult people - and yes you may well get backlash initially - but you weather that storm until they get used to respecting your calmly stated boundaries and if that’s not possible for them then you emotionally protect yourself and enact consequences by withdrawing from them.

MrsSkylerWhite lucky you. I mean that - not sarcastic.

EqualityWhatequality · Today 12:39

MrsSkylerWhite lucky you. I mean that - not sarcastic

It really isn't luck, it is a choice. An abused child (by father and brother) It just hit me like a bolt of lightning in one single moment many years ago. No, I don’t have to tolerate anything that I don’t choose to. Never have again.

(No is the best word in the English language)

No is the best word in the English language

@MrsSkylerWhite - it’s also a full sentence and doesn’t need you to JADE you decisions, choices, feelings or preferences - no need for you to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain your answer to anyone.

• As an adult, obviously. Children have no choice.

Gloriously

I agree, however I think there is a pragmatism too. It’s not about appeasing or enabling. It’s about nuance and subtlety and the complexity of relationships.

It’s exhausting stepping out of prescribed roles and challenging the system around you. It takes energy and resource.

There isn’t a blanket ‘right’ response. Yes, it might be easy in theory to say ‘no more! I’m not doing that’ but it doesn’t end there. The system will work to get back to its usual state. The OP will have to navigate that.

Each time she’s pressured to do something she will need to do exactly as you have described - clearly state her boundaries. That takes effort and energy. That requires you consciously being aware of all the attempts at manipulation and side stepping them. That’s great and a potentially liberating thing to do, but not as easy as it sounds on paper. Human interactions are complex.

Doing the ‘right’ thing is sometimes harder and it’s ok to decide consciously to notice it and do only what feels possible to protect yourself psychologically. It’s ok to decide today isn’t the day to draw the line in the sand. Change can be a slower drip drip drip.

Each of us is unique and in a unique set of circumstances. It’s not a black and white situation. There isn’t a clear way forward that is guaranteed to leave the OP in a better position than she is in.

Yes her ILs sound awful. Yes it’s technically not her responsibility. No, she doesn’t owe them anything. Yes, it seems right that she tells them to fuck off and leave the responsibility to her DH. But that is not necessarily the easiest option FOR HER and may well come at costs the OP doesn’t want to pay - and that’s ok too. It’s her choice. What does the OP want? What’s HER end goal?

MrsSkylerWhite I didn’t mean to reduce your experiences to luck. Apologies if that’s how it sounded. I think it’s great that you have found your ‘no’. I truly do. I just don’t think that a hard ‘no’ is always the easiest option and requires energy and resource. I think there are shades of grey here that are ok for the OP to take if that’s what’s best for her. We all have to change at our own pace.

Also, I don’t agree that it’s easy to say that emotions are a choice. We can choose what to do when they show up, but there is little we can do to stop them showing up. I can’t help feeling guilty at times as I put boundaries in, but I can choose to notice that feeling, reframe it and ignore it. I don’t have to let it dictate what I do.

OP, instead of cutting through the fluff on this thread it's well worth investing in Susan Forward's book Toxic In-Laws. This can be a game-changer. Its advice is practical, objective, and helpful.

MN threads are generally not. The Stately Homes thread might, however, be worth a look.

Your husband has told you that you are mentioned in the will but you don't believe him?

So you believe your husband to be a liar?

That's really something OP.

You believe he is capable of lying to you to manipulate and to control you?

He really is scum.

Tbf, maybe DH hasn’t seen the will either?

I agree with posters who have said that the liklihood is that OP's DH isn't in the will anyway - or has been left a tiny amount so that he can't contest it by claiming it was an oversight.

Some people are notorious for dangling the promise of money in front of their children and then either not leaving anything (ie having nowhere near as much money as they'd pretended) or by leaving everything to the "Golden Ones", even when these have done nothing for them, and perhaps haven't even visited for years.

NEVER allow anyone to control you with cash - don't be bought. It really isn't worth it.

YANBU. I wouldn’t do it. Stand your ground.