to be offended at neighbour's reaction

[SeaBreezeDream]

We aren't the kind of street where neighbours are all friends, we just nod the occasional hello etc. but a few days ago I had a small car smash pulling out of my drive and a lady a couple of doors along came out to see if I was ok. She was very kind with me and the situation in general, even though it was basically the first conversation we had ever really had. She waited with me a while and we got chatting and it was all very friendly and kind. I was upset and appreciated her being there.

I went round yesterday with a bunch of flowers to say thank you, plus a gift for her new grandchild as we had been chatting about the new baby and she was very excited about that. Her husband answered as she was out and I just handed them over and we exchanged pleasantries. All fine.

A little later I got a message from her saying thanks for the flowers and gift but I thought she was incredibly rude. She said

Thank you for the flowers and gift, there was no need. X and I couldn't stop laughing when we opened the gift. He was on their board for years and (daughter) is one of their buyers so we know all their products even though we don't tend to buy them. Daughter will find this so funny too! Take care, A.

Is that not a really crass message? Or am I being over sensitive?

(It cost £70 so wasn't exactly cheap shit either)

I think it was rude. A simple thank you, you really shouldn't have! would have covered it. No need for all that detail that implies you bought something that they find not gift-like/over priced/mundane to them.

Still, good insight into what they're like.

But she's not said she doesn't value the present. She's letting OP know that she knows it was expensive AND saying how mad it is because her family members have ties to the company.

You both sound lovely and a tiny bit socially awkward! Her message sounds a tad braggy even though she probably didn’t mean it like that (‘he’s on the board’) and maybe overly focused on her rather than your kind gesture. Your reaction to her anecdote is also unusual - she’s just pointing out a coincidence that connects your gift to her family.

Crikey OP your overthinking and reaction to a harmless message is exactly why I try not to talk to my neighbours. Plus £70 for a baby you don't even know and doesn't even live there...

Actually...given how blunt she was, ask for the darn thing back and give it to someone who would actually appreciate it. After all they have cupboards full already; why waste the world's scarce resources!

I've paid that much for a knitted wool jumper for a friend's dog. People need to stop fixating on the cost of the cardi.

Remember in messages you lose the tone of voice. They were laughing with surprise and the coincidence that the daughter is their buyer. She doesn’t exactly have a way with words but she is probably not a copywriter. It was a lovely gesture from you and I am glad the prang was minor.

This is the kind of message I send when I like someone and am trying to be friendly 😳

A thank you card and flowers/chocolates would have been enough, the £70 gift for their Grandchild is crazy.

@LaurieStrode yes a present for your friend...this is OPs neighbour who she says is not a friend.

Do you have a lot of friends, @HalebiHabibti ?

I genuinely don't mean that snidely, but I'm intrigued by the social instincts of anyone who would send that message without thinking about the obvious ways in which it might be received.

Why would anyone want to do something to mortify someone?

I think the problem with texting is that the recipient can sometimes misinterpret the intent, which I think has happened here. She has thanked you and tried to include you in a bit of background about their connection to the brand. I think it's nice that she wants to share that with you.

The bit about them saying they don't tend to buy them probably means they wouldn't normally spend that much on themselves (or maybe they're a bit too close to the brand if you know what I mean).

Read the message with the voice of a kind person to see if it makes a difference.

Not at all. The we don't usually buy it probably meant 'don't worry she doesn't have it already'. Everything else is just sharing that the gift will cause more than just a meh, whatever.

If they both work for the company, one at board level, they won't think it's shit and will be delighted that someone thought of that as a nice gift. I would be if it was one of my companies.

Well I'm With you OP
I think it was a rude and unnecessary comment your neighbour made.
Correct response 'thank you so much, that's incredible kind and generous of you and I hope you're ok after the car accident'

I think this too.

IMO It's rude and dare I say, classless to say anything when having received a gift other than 'thank you so much, really appreciate it!' if you don't like it. Especially a random one off gift like this. If a relative or close friend repeatedly bought me things for birthdays/xmas that I didn't like/couldn't use I might gently explain to them to not waste their £ and that I'd prefer X or Y, but in this case all the neighbour needed to do was say thank you.

It does read as if she's mocking your taste, or saying 'Oh god not one of those-we can get them for next to nowt!' as a means of showing off. Or, (I know a 'buyer' can mean a whole scale of things) wanting to brag about her daughter having a decent job.

If it was like this, then your reply is very good OP. If it was just shortsightedness, same but someone in their 60s should be more than aware that the best move is to act in good grace, even if something isn't quite to your taste.

I've also thought the bit about 'don't tend to buy them' is to sort of say 'don't worry, we don't have lots of that gift so this is appreciated' kind of way.

I think the message was unnecessary and a simple thank you/that was so thoughtful of you would have been better.

If the daughter is a buyer then she’d be able to get the item for nothing as she’ll have a huge sample cupboard of products brought in by suppliers.

I suspect that’s why the family don’t buy those products as they get them for nothing. So yes, rude. It’s another way of saying you’ve wasted your money on something we can get for nothing.

gobsmacked you spent £70 on a gift for someone you don't know.

don't think her message was rude either.

I once worked in an office other two women were called Brenda and Doreen. Anyone who came in to our office, pretty much whatever they said caused offence. I remember Brenda coming in one Monday morning with a new hair do. It was quite a departure and pretty much everyone coming in would comment and say something nice. After they left the office she would say something like "what was wrong with my hair before" and Doreen would say "what's wrong with my hair, nobody said they liked my hair". I was very young and I think it was a valuable lesson. It takes a lot of effort to offend me and few people have the time to go out of their way to do it. Don't be like Brenda and Doreen and look for offence that in all probability was not intended.

How does everyone have the time or energy to look for hidden meaning and offense in everyday comments?

jesus OP, you’ve said multiple times you don’t care but you seem to care enough to be offended and bitch about her on the internet?

It's not rude at all. She was trying to convey something anecdotal. She was saying how incredible that you should choose a gift from somewhere with such a close family connection. I think I would have used the word "smile" rather than "laugh" in the note. As in "this will make my daugher smile, as indeed it did us" which is basically what she is trying to say. She was trying to be familiar with you and form a sort of bond.

I don't think she was rude , she just gave you a bit of a background story . I think your attitude isn't very nice though , saying the money meant nothing , it was just a 'tokenish gift' . She would probably be hurt if she heard that .

I think it was clumsy but her intention wasn't to be rude, but I'd be a bit hurt too. You tried to do something thoughtful and didn't expect to be told everyone found it hilarious. Also depends on the store, if it's a really niche store then it is a funny coincidence. If it's a big chain like M&S/Next/John Lewis then she's being a bit ridiculous mentioning it.

I seem to have a fair number! I think over the years the people who take offence have quietly left my life 😂which is fair enough.

This thread has been revelatory!