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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be offended at neighbour's reaction

497 replies

SeaBreezeDream · 01/11/2023 12:59

We aren't the kind of street where neighbours are all friends, we just nod the occasional hello etc. but a few days ago I had a small car smash pulling out of my drive and a lady a couple of doors along came out to see if I was ok. She was very kind with me and the situation in general, even though it was basically the first conversation we had ever really had. She waited with me a while and we got chatting and it was all very friendly and kind. I was upset and appreciated her being there.

I went round yesterday with a bunch of flowers to say thank you, plus a gift for her new grandchild as we had been chatting about the new baby and she was very excited about that. Her husband answered as she was out and I just handed them over and we exchanged pleasantries. All fine.

A little later I got a message from her saying thanks for the flowers and gift but I thought she was incredibly rude. She said

Thank you for the flowers and gift, there was no need. X and I couldn't stop laughing when we opened the gift. He was on their board for years and (daughter) is one of their buyers so we know all their products even though we don't tend to buy them. Daughter will find this so funny too! Take care, A.

Is that not a really crass message? Or am I being over sensitive?

(It cost £70 so wasn't exactly cheap shit either)

OP posts:
jazzyfips · 01/11/2023 15:48

Not at all rude

NewPinkJacket · 01/11/2023 15:56

Finlesswonder · 01/11/2023 15:36

She sounds unhinged. So this couple were standing in their kitchen with tears streaming down their face, chuckling their little heads off because....he used to work for a company and you bought something from it?

😸

Where did you get that they had tears streaming down their faces from?

LaurieStrode · 01/11/2023 15:58

Yes, it was very crass. She should have been more gracious and restrained.

People are such clods nowadays.

LaurieStrode · 01/11/2023 16:01

Rosykitten · 01/11/2023 14:49

There isn't the need to put "anecdotes" in a thank-you note. Leaving it as "thank you for the gift, it was very thoughtful of you" would have sufficed. Not only that, but saying "we know all their products but we don't tend to buy them" is too open to suggesting they don't rate the products for one reason or another. It could be just not their style, which is fine of course, but it is undoubtedly potentially a snub.

Personally I think that reads like she can't help boasting about her daughter being "on the board", and shoehorning that in is why it reads so awkwardly. Might you be the same age bracket or generation as her daughter? Some parents like to boast by proxy via their DC's achievements especially when they feel a bit threatened by someone they consider potentially "better than" their own DCs.

But yes, IMO, it's rude. Either thoughtlessly or deliberately.

Yes, I took it as rude and boasting, too, @Rosykitten

This thread is bonkers. OP behaved perfectly correctly; the neighbour is boorish in her response. "Thank you, how lovely. I hope you are doing well..." is all that was required.

hjytrjulykuyh · 01/11/2023 16:05

It was the 'we don't tend to buy them' that was rude, it implies that the products are things they don't like, don't think are worth it, etc.

The rest was okay, but yeah, that was rude. Though tbh I'd be a bit taken aback if a neighbour I barely knew showed up with £70 of presents just to say thanks for me having a chat with them after a car smash! I would be a bit concerned you were trying too hard to become friends, which she may not want.

Beautiful3 · 01/11/2023 16:06

No I don't think it's rude. Just telling you how funny that the presents brand, had strong links with them. Nice story that's all. Please don't take it personal.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 01/11/2023 16:07

She probably felt really awkward that a stranger had spent that much money...

AllTangledUpInTitlesAndTiaras · 01/11/2023 16:08

hjytrjulykuyh · 01/11/2023 16:05

It was the 'we don't tend to buy them' that was rude, it implies that the products are things they don't like, don't think are worth it, etc.

The rest was okay, but yeah, that was rude. Though tbh I'd be a bit taken aback if a neighbour I barely knew showed up with £70 of presents just to say thanks for me having a chat with them after a car smash! I would be a bit concerned you were trying too hard to become friends, which she may not want.

That really isn't automatically implied.

Fionaville · 01/11/2023 16:12

I'd take that as rude too. It's almost like she's saying they'd never buy it, either because they don't actually like the products or because daughter is a buyer, they get it free anyway. She could have written the anecdote without going on about how hilarious it is and just said it was a lovely coincidence.

Movinghouseatlast · 01/11/2023 16:12

I don't think she meant to be rude, she's just saying it's a coincidence.

However, saying they wouldn't buy the products normally is a bit off I think, there was no need to say that.

But £70 on a gift for someone you have never met is just bonkers. I would ask yourself why you did that and if your disappointment with her note is related to the amount you spent.

You say the money is of no consequence to you, but you mentioned it specifically in your post.

So what I'm reading is that you are wealthy and like people to know that but this neighbour has shown she's unimpressed by your wealth.

momtoboys · 01/11/2023 16:15

I agree with you. I think she was rude.

Boscoforever · 01/11/2023 16:15

Apologies if this has already been said, but do you think she referred to not buying them to reassure you they didn't already have the gift?

Doingmybest12 · 01/11/2023 16:15

Did she mean at £70.00 they wouldn't usually buy this themselves as it's pricey so lovely to recieve it and what a coincidence. Would love to know what it is .

Drinagh · 01/11/2023 16:16

I am generally the person being bemused at Mners taking offence at entirely innocent exchanges, people talking to their friends on the school run ('cliques!'), not being invited to out of work social events ('bullying and exclusion!'), but the OP's neighbour was in fact pretty rude. She may well have been taken aback at the gift and flowers, and it seems likely her message wasn't intended maliciously, she's just socially clumsy -- but it really doesn't surprise me that so many Mumsnetters struggle with friendships or are lonely if so many people can't see that, consciously or not, that message was really uncalled-for.

Why would you tell someone you barely know, who was thanking you for helping them in a crisis with a (rather lavish) present, that you don't value the present because two of your family work/have worked for the company, and you don't buy their products, and that the OP's £70 expenditure is just going to provide some family hilarity?

Just 'thank you, you shouldn't have' was all that was needed.

Jungfraujoch · 01/11/2023 16:19

I don’t think that’s rude at all. It was lovely she came to your aid and lovely you wanted to thank her but £70?! The flowers alone would have been enough in my opinion.

Hont1986 · 01/11/2023 16:23

If someone brought round a bunch of flowers and an expensive gift just because I'd had a conversation with them in the street, I'd be terrified that they thought this was the green light to us becoming best friends.

Maybe I would slip a kinda-sorta rude comment into the thank you note to let them know that isn't happening. 😂

Dartmoorcheffy · 01/11/2023 16:28

I get a feeling here that £70 is not really a lot of money to any of those involved so not sure why so many people are bringing it up.

AntiStuff · 01/11/2023 16:30

If someone brought round a bunch of flowers and an expensive gift just because I'd had a conversation with them in the street, I'd be terrified that they thought this was the green light to us becoming best friends.

God yes, how awful, imagine making a new friend. FFS. 🙄

MargaretThursday · 01/11/2023 16:33

hjytrjulykuyh · 01/11/2023 16:05

It was the 'we don't tend to buy them' that was rude, it implies that the products are things they don't like, don't think are worth it, etc.

The rest was okay, but yeah, that was rude. Though tbh I'd be a bit taken aback if a neighbour I barely knew showed up with £70 of presents just to say thanks for me having a chat with them after a car smash! I would be a bit concerned you were trying too hard to become friends, which she may not want.

I would take the "we don't tend to buy them" as a "it's a really special present as we don't normally get them".

I think it's a lovely message, friendly and showing thought rather than a generic. "thank you".

Original poster
SeaBreezeDream · 01/11/2023 16:37

I'm 50 and my neighbour is probably late 60s. We've lived a few doors apart for almost 20 years and never spoken which is the norm for everyone on our street, although for MN quite unusual apparently.

When she came to my aid she was lovely and we chatted, I think she was doing a sterling job of trying to keep me calm and distracted by babbling away about the new baby and lots of other things.

We exchanged numbers in case it might help re insurance / police etc but it clearly wasn't done so that we could suddenly become friends, I think it was clear that this was a random event and nothing more.

OP posts:
Mossstitch · 01/11/2023 16:39

Uniquuue · 01/11/2023 15:28

£70 baby cardi. What brand?

That's what I want to know......I make them for any babies born and they cost about £3 to make😂 (misses point of whole thread and goes back to knitting xmas cardi for friends baby)

NotTerfNorCis · 01/11/2023 16:42

That's not rude at all!

Fragglerock75 · 01/11/2023 16:49

I totally think it was rude - a roundabout way of displaying status and implication that their taste differs. Of course I would never make this feeling apparent - but yes, defo rude!

SirVixofVixHall · 01/11/2023 16:52

Tessasanderson · 01/11/2023 13:03

I think she is trying to be friendly and jokingly point out that they have strong ties with the company you purchased the gift from. Basically saying "what a coincidence".

I suppose they could of just said thank you but this gives some context about them too. No harm imo

I agree, she is saying “what a funny coincidence “ I don’t think it is meant rudely at all.

Newsername1 · 01/11/2023 16:52

l do think it’s a bit rude tbh, but I don’t think it was necessarily intended to be so would let it go.

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