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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be offended at neighbour's reaction

497 replies

SeaBreezeDream · 01/11/2023 12:59

We aren't the kind of street where neighbours are all friends, we just nod the occasional hello etc. but a few days ago I had a small car smash pulling out of my drive and a lady a couple of doors along came out to see if I was ok. She was very kind with me and the situation in general, even though it was basically the first conversation we had ever really had. She waited with me a while and we got chatting and it was all very friendly and kind. I was upset and appreciated her being there.

I went round yesterday with a bunch of flowers to say thank you, plus a gift for her new grandchild as we had been chatting about the new baby and she was very excited about that. Her husband answered as she was out and I just handed them over and we exchanged pleasantries. All fine.

A little later I got a message from her saying thanks for the flowers and gift but I thought she was incredibly rude. She said

Thank you for the flowers and gift, there was no need. X and I couldn't stop laughing when we opened the gift. He was on their board for years and (daughter) is one of their buyers so we know all their products even though we don't tend to buy them. Daughter will find this so funny too! Take care, A.

Is that not a really crass message? Or am I being over sensitive?

(It cost £70 so wasn't exactly cheap shit either)

OP posts:
Emotionalsupportviper · 02/11/2023 08:13

flaxentoad · 02/11/2023 07:42

Yep, you can't win with people like that.

If no-one had mentioned the hair, it would be "What's wrong with my hair? They're pretending not to notice because they don't like it and don't want to say."

If people mention the hair, it's "So what was wrong with my hair before then???"

I suppose one could ask them "Nothing was wrong with your hair before but you yourself obviously fancied a change." They'd find something wrong with that too, I suppose. I can't think what, but they'd definitely find it!

Show quote history

It takes a lot of effort to offend me and few people have the time to go out of their way to do it.

Same here. I've had colleagues who have been downright rude and I've pretended to take their remarks at face value because:

a) responding would lead to a bliddy awful working situation for everyone

b) 99/100 they then look like arseholes, but can't respond.

c) life is too short to go around being offended at everything

(However I make a mental note - This person does not have my well-being at heart. Don't trust them.)

However when I do take offence (and occasionally I do) then all Hell is unleashed. And it is all the more effective for being out of the blue. I have left people too shocked to respond before. I don't tolerate myself or anyone else being bullied, for instance - I used to take it when I was young, and get upset, but now I challenge it every single time - sometimes by the method above, sometimes more forcefully - and one particularly nasty bully was very cowed and left the room when I snapped back. Apparently she was in the toilets sobbing "Viper swore at me" and everyone was saying "Viper? Viper swore? But Viper never swears!"

(My language on here bears little relation to my language in real life.)

It's worth holding your "nuclear" arsenal in reserve, IME.

IDontHateRainbows · 02/11/2023 08:13

Not rude but perhaps a little clumsy if she didn't know you well.
Not worth getting worked up about

WombatChocolate · 02/11/2023 08:13

Clearspring1 · 02/11/2023 08:03

We aren't friends or going to be friends, this was just a random one off thing

so why did you exchange mobile phone numbers?

In the scenario of the accident, probably Op gave her number. Usually she is probably extremely private by the sound of it and wouldn’t share her number. The quote above suggests a sense after the encounter of a desire to keep the neighbour away…a fear of further contact or friendship.

I suspect the neighbour’s ‘crime’ is simply friendliness and openness, which OP is uncomfortable with. When people receive a gift after helping someone, it’s totally usual to say ‘you didn’t need to’ - it’s not a lack of gratitude - the opposite - saying they they helped with no expectation of reward.

Look, I doubt this neighbour has plans to ‘push’ herself on Op or demand friendship. She’s probably one of those people who is open to widen her circle of friendly acquaintances but isn’t going to be pushing for something someone else isn’t interested in. Op can be frosty and rebuff any neighbourliness which goes beyond the acceptable nodding. In her mind she’s paid for the favour by buying a decent gift. Neighbour has been paid off and can retreat back to her own home. Op can return to her secluded world and carry on as before.

Universalsnail · 02/11/2023 08:15

Not rude at all. I think she just found it funny you had bought from a company she had such strong ties too. Which is a funny coincidence really. Sounds like they were grateful.

TheValueOfEverything · 02/11/2023 08:16

Not rude at all. A kind message with a funny anecdote - perhaps sharing it (personal info) with you to continue being friendly.

Please don’t be one of those people who find offense in everything!

CantFindTheBeat · 02/11/2023 08:19

Blimey. OP - you are a normal person - some strange responses indeed here.

It IS a rambling, waffle, odd message

And you ARE a kind person doing a nice thing/the right thing in acknowledging she helped you during an upsetting time.

£70!is a generous amount to spend but not excessive. Round here, a decent bunch of flowers from our florist could easily be £40+ they have gone up so much in price from the suppliers) and a child's soft toy £20 or so from the same place.

Hope you are recovered.

Clearspring1 · 02/11/2023 08:23

CantFindTheBeat · 02/11/2023 08:19

Blimey. OP - you are a normal person - some strange responses indeed here.

It IS a rambling, waffle, odd message

And you ARE a kind person doing a nice thing/the right thing in acknowledging she helped you during an upsetting time.

£70!is a generous amount to spend but not excessive. Round here, a decent bunch of flowers from our florist could easily be £40+ they have gone up so much in price from the suppliers) and a child's soft toy £20 or so from the same place.

Hope you are recovered.

So bizarre that anyone who does not agree with you and the OP are not “normal” 😂

Alexiao · 02/11/2023 08:25

Perhaps just give her the benefit of the doubt? Lots of messages can be read 2 ways. She was kind to you so remember that . Getting the tone right in text can be hard, she was just saying what she thought and probably didn’t read back or think how it might come across properly . Also some people don’t like /feel embarrassed by expensive gifts as they feel their kindness ends up seen as transactional so there might be an element of that

cocolocopocos · 02/11/2023 08:31

I can see how it could be taken as rude, but I would err on the side of slightly clumsily worded anecdote, I doubt she intended to offend you

Donkeyseason · 02/11/2023 08:33

Spirallingdownwards · 01/11/2023 13:10

She was trying to be friendly and was laughing at the coincidence not the gift.

This.

Donkeyseason · 02/11/2023 08:36

Itsalwaysthelasttime · 01/11/2023 13:30

Its not the mentioning the coincidence that seems rude to me, its tge we dont buy from them that seems rude.

She was reassuring OP that the gift was welcome and would be used, as their house is not already full of those products.

Maddy70 · 02/11/2023 08:56

She's definitely not being rude. She's telling you an anecdote about the gift. They enjoyed receiving it

TisforTucan · 02/11/2023 08:57

Op there's nothing wrong with you and I don't think the message was with ill intent if she was initially that nice with you, it's just been awkwardly worded.

If it had been me I wouldn't of mentioned it at all as I would of been too afraid of causing the embarrassment like it has to you. A polite thank you for the gifts would of been fine.

Sureaseggs44 · 02/11/2023 09:02

Not rude at all , and don’t forget some people on here like a drama .

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 02/11/2023 09:08

Message isn't rude, it's not like she went "we had a good laugh because it's the ugliest effing thing Ive ever seen"

£70 is excessive

But also - if this thread is one that the papers pick up on, she may see it and know its about her. It'll cause a lot of bad feeling

martinisforeveryone · 02/11/2023 09:13

SeaBreezeDream · 01/11/2023 14:08

I've replied

What a funny coincidence (laughing emoji)

I don't want to be accused of being rude by ignoring her Grin

I think that was the best approach and going forward resolve that she was nice and you were grateful and generous. I wouldn’t think any more than she didn’t express herself in the best way, because she didn’t sound like the type to be snippy or off given all the circumstances.

newnamethanks · 02/11/2023 09:15

Not remotely rude. If you're always this over sensitive then she'll be lucky if you're too upset to bother her again.

MoonlitStarryNights · 02/11/2023 09:18

Clearspring1 · 02/11/2023 07:34

I am so pleased that I go through life with the default position that people aren’t out to be cruel / nasty / rude to me.

🤣 maybe check you give the same impression about yourself.

diddl · 02/11/2023 09:21

He was on their board for years and (daughter) is one of their buyers so we know all their products even though we don't tend to buy them.

This I think is odd-to me the bit about knowing the products but not buying them.

Makes it sound to me as if the products aren't worth buying!

She could just have said what a coincidence that X used to be on the board & daughter currently a buyer.

TheBerry · 02/11/2023 09:24

What??? It’s not rude at all, it’s a lovely friendly message! She’s given you a little anecdote and I’d see it as her reaching out and making friendly overtures. Can’t believe you’d be upset over this? It wouldn’t cross my mind for one second.

timenowplease · 02/11/2023 09:25

Fascinating thread OP.

I'd have been offended too but interesting to see that most people seem to think it was a funny friendly message.

I think you've muddied the waters a bit by spending so much money on a 'thank you'. A small box of chocs would have been more than enough. I reckon that's made her feel uncomfortable and she's trying to push you away a bit with the note.

Is she posh by any chance?

MargotBamborough · 02/11/2023 09:27

I don't think her response was rude, just a "what a coincidence!" type thing that you have misinterpreted.

70 quid for a new baby gift for someone you don't even know though! I would find that rather odd if I were them. Kind, but odd.

I typically spend about 30 quid on a new baby gift for actual long term friends of mine. I certainly wouldn't get anything for the daughter I had never met of a neighbour I had only met once, let alone a 70 quid gift.

Clearspring1 · 02/11/2023 09:33

MoonlitStarryNights · 02/11/2023 09:18

🤣 maybe check you give the same impression about yourself.

Show quote history

There’s seeing shadows

and then there’s really seeing shadows! 😂

SurelySmartie · 02/11/2023 09:34

Most likely just meant it as a funny story but it can come across a little harsh written down or second hand rather than just thrown in to casual conversation.

A bunch of smallish flowers would have been fine. The gift is way ott and would have made me a bit uncomfortable

Mooshamoo · 02/11/2023 09:37

I think it was rude

But I also think it's weird to buy flowers and a gift for a neighbour after you had a minor bump in your own drive.