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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be offended at neighbour's reaction

497 replies

SeaBreezeDream · 01/11/2023 12:59

We aren't the kind of street where neighbours are all friends, we just nod the occasional hello etc. but a few days ago I had a small car smash pulling out of my drive and a lady a couple of doors along came out to see if I was ok. She was very kind with me and the situation in general, even though it was basically the first conversation we had ever really had. She waited with me a while and we got chatting and it was all very friendly and kind. I was upset and appreciated her being there.

I went round yesterday with a bunch of flowers to say thank you, plus a gift for her new grandchild as we had been chatting about the new baby and she was very excited about that. Her husband answered as she was out and I just handed them over and we exchanged pleasantries. All fine.

A little later I got a message from her saying thanks for the flowers and gift but I thought she was incredibly rude. She said

Thank you for the flowers and gift, there was no need. X and I couldn't stop laughing when we opened the gift. He was on their board for years and (daughter) is one of their buyers so we know all their products even though we don't tend to buy them. Daughter will find this so funny too! Take care, A.

Is that not a really crass message? Or am I being over sensitive?

(It cost £70 so wasn't exactly cheap shit either)

OP posts:
Rewis · 02/11/2023 07:08

I did find the message rude. It doesn't mean she intended it to be rude. Or she is rude. Or that op is particularly offended. Or that snowflakes nower days, can't say anything.

Every day at work, friends, family someone says something ans I might think to ymslef "that was a bit rude" and everyone happily moves on. Sometimes anecdotes or presenting opinions fall flat and doesn't come the way intended. I do it all the time. The receiver is allowed to take it as rudeness but it doesn't have to be a dealbreaker.

HerMammy · 02/11/2023 07:14

A token gift is the bunch of flowers, not £70 for a stranger.

CormorantStrikesBack · 02/11/2023 07:17

First time I read it I thought it was rude. Second time I didn't.

I think she's a bit embarrassed you've bought it maybe hence the no need comment.

Then she's tried to tell you an amusing anecdote about the coincidence of the company.

Then she's panicked and thought you would then think they have all that company's stuff so she's tried to reassure you they don't.

Shesaysso · 02/11/2023 07:22

I think it’s rude. It may be an amusing anecdote if they were good friends but given the situation I think she should have just said thanks so much, hope you’re feeling better. I would have felt embarrassed if I was the OP at the response.

Clearspring1 · 02/11/2023 07:27

Op are you married? Children? Live alone?

Floofydawg · 02/11/2023 07:32

Who spends £70 on a gift for a neighbour? Madness.

flaxentoad · 02/11/2023 07:34

Obviously, just simple thanks for the gift would have been a fine and very safe reply.

I wonder if because you two had the chat after the accident and "broke the ice" if she wants to continue to get to know you better? So instead of a simple "thanks" she got a bit chatty and wanted to let you know a bit more about her life and how it related to your gift?

I guess you'll be able to make better sense of this interaction when you see her next. You've got a conversation starter now though and maybe that was her intention.

Clearspring1 · 02/11/2023 07:34

I am so pleased that I go through life with the default position that people aren’t out to be cruel / nasty / rude to me.

flaxentoad · 02/11/2023 07:36

CormorantStrikesBack · 02/11/2023 07:17

First time I read it I thought it was rude. Second time I didn't.

I think she's a bit embarrassed you've bought it maybe hence the no need comment.

Then she's tried to tell you an amusing anecdote about the coincidence of the company.

Then she's panicked and thought you would then think they have all that company's stuff so she's tried to reassure you they don't.

This made me smile. It's so like my own thought processes. I second guess everything I do or say pretty much!

electriclight · 02/11/2023 07:38

I actually did think it was a bit rude op. I think it was fine to tell you about the family connection to the company and say that it made them smile, but there is an implication there that they wouldn't buy those products. In the face of a generous gift, that was rather thoughtless. In her defence, since she seemed kind when you met her, it was probably unintentional and she probably didn't know the value of the gift but I don't blame you for smarting a bit. Your response was perfect. I wouldn't write off a neighbourly friendship just yet, it can be useful to have a friend on your street but the ball is in her court now.

Clearspring1 · 02/11/2023 07:39

Floofydawg · 02/11/2023 07:32

Who spends £70 on a gift for a neighbour? Madness.

What actually was the £70 gift for the grandchild?

Koalakubs · 02/11/2023 07:42

When you met her was she in any way rude? Her text is clumsy but if she is not a rude person then I’d text back as a previous poster suggested ‘crazy coincidence, it was lovely to meet you and thank you once again for your help’.

To be honest a pleasant, chatty lady on my street i would try and keep the conversation going. Maybe she is trying to keep it going by telling you a bit about her life? She could have written ‘thank you for the gifts’ polite - but I think I prefer her chatty text.

flaxentoad · 02/11/2023 07:42

corblimeylove · 01/11/2023 17:14

I once worked in an office other two women were called Brenda and Doreen. Anyone who came in to our office, pretty much whatever they said caused offence. I remember Brenda coming in one Monday morning with a new hair do. It was quite a departure and pretty much everyone coming in would comment and say something nice. After they left the office she would say something like "what was wrong with my hair before" and Doreen would say "what's wrong with my hair, nobody said they liked my hair". I was very young and I think it was a valuable lesson. It takes a lot of effort to offend me and few people have the time to go out of their way to do it. Don't be like Brenda and Doreen and look for offence that in all probability was not intended.

Yep, you can't win with people like that.

If no-one had mentioned the hair, it would be "What's wrong with my hair? They're pretending not to notice because they don't like it and don't want to say."

If people mention the hair, it's "So what was wrong with my hair before then???"

I suppose one could ask them "Nothing was wrong with your hair before but you yourself obviously fancied a change." They'd find something wrong with that too, I suppose. I can't think what, but they'd definitely find it!

mangochops · 02/11/2023 07:43

I dont perceive it as rude. Reading between the lines it sounds like maybe she's a bit embarrassed at the gift and wasnt expecting it so she tried to make a joke about it, as in, "there was really no need to do that!. I've helped people after prangs like this and I really wouldnt expect a gift afterwards as it seems a little OTT. You are very kind to do that and she was kind to help you, dont leave this situation now feeling upset- there really is no need to allow this to taint the kind thing she did by helping you out. Let it go.

Figmentofmyimagination · 02/11/2023 07:46

Was it an item of baby clothing with a ‘humorous’ joke on it? Why would everyone find it so ‘funny’?

Zanatdy · 02/11/2023 07:49

I think she didn’t need to say ‘we don’t really buy them’ as what she’s saying is they could get them for cost price but don’t bother. I can we why you were a little offended, I think most people would have been (don’t believe everything you read on here)

Northernladdette · 02/11/2023 07:55

I don’t understand
“it’s been in their board…”

£70, wow!

How did she get your number?

It probably would have been a better anecdote spoken rather than in text.

I would have popped round to say thank you and check you were ok x

Emotionalsupportviper · 02/11/2023 07:59

Of course it's not rude!

On the contrary - she is making a friendly connection. You bought a gift. The firm is one her family is connected to - they're laughing at the co-incidence ("Of all the baby gifts in all the shops in all the world, you walk into ours").

She's being friendly (and perhaps saying that there was no need to buy such an expensive gift). I'm sure that she would have been delighted with the bunch of flowers alone. Mentioning the co-incidence is also a small "reach-out" - it gives YOU the opportunity to say "Hi! What a coincidence about the gift etc" and the two of you can have a little laugh about it.

I'm very glad you thanked her though - so many people seem to ignore these kindnesses, and I don't doubt that she was glad that you are OK and appreciated her support.

Clearspring1 · 02/11/2023 08:03

We aren't friends or going to be friends, this was just a random one off thing

so why did you exchange mobile phone numbers?

Ramalangadingdong · 02/11/2023 08:04

Emotionalsupportviper · 02/11/2023 07:59

Of course it's not rude!

On the contrary - she is making a friendly connection. You bought a gift. The firm is one her family is connected to - they're laughing at the co-incidence ("Of all the baby gifts in all the shops in all the world, you walk into ours").

She's being friendly (and perhaps saying that there was no need to buy such an expensive gift). I'm sure that she would have been delighted with the bunch of flowers alone. Mentioning the co-incidence is also a small "reach-out" - it gives YOU the opportunity to say "Hi! What a coincidence about the gift etc" and the two of you can have a little laugh about it.

I'm very glad you thanked her though - so many people seem to ignore these kindnesses, and I don't doubt that she was glad that you are OK and appreciated her support.

I like this.

I would also add that people tend to mention coincidence when they are bonding with someone (oh, it’s your birthday on the 8th of June too?). They see coincidence as a sign that a friendship was meant to be.

WombatChocolate · 02/11/2023 08:04

Clearspring1 · 02/11/2023 07:34

I am so pleased that I go through life with the default position that people aren’t out to be cruel / nasty / rude to me.

This.
It must be so tiring to go through life finding offence in everything people say - even in those who just days before have gone out of their way to help you.

Slightly clumsy or unclear wording at worst. Why not think the best of people and make that the default unless really proved otherwise?

Or is this a reason from Op to sabotage what had been a positive experience with the neighbour….a reason why she can’t continue to be friendly with someone like this, because that’s simply not who she is. The kindness of a stranger, whilst welcomed at the time just didn’t rest easily with OP’s perception of people and the world, so couldn’t be allowed to carry on? Otherwise in my mind it’s very difficult for me to understand how you shift from having such a positive experience with someone who went out of their way to help, to a judgement of crass and rude.

Saverage · 02/11/2023 08:05

Yes it was a crass message. 'Really no need' 'funny' 'we don't tend to buy from them'. It's all pretty dismissive, but I think she just rushed the text and wasn't really thinking, I don't think it was badly intended.

She could have said the same thing in a much nicer way e.g.- 'thank you for the gift, we know the company well and love their things - x is n the board, and Y is a buyer! It gave us a smile that you chose the gift from them'. What she actually wrote was a bit egotistical and not really being that thankful.

theleafandnotthetree · 02/11/2023 08:09

WhateverMate · 01/11/2023 13:17

I also think it was just a little anecdote.

But I have to say flowers and a gift for her grandchild was waaaay OTT and could well have made her feel very uncomfortable - hence the strange message maybe?

I agree, your ŕesponse to what was basic common decency was a little 'extra'. Maybe she felt a bit uncomfortable and it came out in the text. Overstepping can come in many guises, including in overextravagant gestures. I think that may be the case here.

BreatheAndFocus · 02/11/2023 08:10

It wasn’t rude at all. She was clearly trying to carry on the chatty relationship and so mentioned her family and the company in a light-hearted way. She probably then thought that you’d think she was saying they had all the company’s products because of this connection so was trying to make clear they didn’t. She sounds friendly.

Just reply with a brief friendly text.

Vecna · 02/11/2023 08:12

SeaBreezeDream · 01/11/2023 23:46

@FaintlyInglorious The vast majority in this thread don't agree it seems, and I've been told I have a fragile ego, am attention seeking, trying to buy a friend, am hostile, feel insecure, feel like I don't belong on this street, I am ridiculous, overreacting, am rude for not wanting to develop a friendship for even questioning it!

Yeah, you can ignore all the ridiculous insults. Seems to be the mumsnet way unfortunately. You're just a lady who's taken what is a thoroughly lovely 'thank-you' the wrong way. She was relaying the coincidence, and she mentioned that they don't usually buy things to reassure you that it's still a worthwhile gift.