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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be offended at neighbour's reaction

497 replies

SeaBreezeDream · 01/11/2023 12:59

We aren't the kind of street where neighbours are all friends, we just nod the occasional hello etc. but a few days ago I had a small car smash pulling out of my drive and a lady a couple of doors along came out to see if I was ok. She was very kind with me and the situation in general, even though it was basically the first conversation we had ever really had. She waited with me a while and we got chatting and it was all very friendly and kind. I was upset and appreciated her being there.

I went round yesterday with a bunch of flowers to say thank you, plus a gift for her new grandchild as we had been chatting about the new baby and she was very excited about that. Her husband answered as she was out and I just handed them over and we exchanged pleasantries. All fine.

A little later I got a message from her saying thanks for the flowers and gift but I thought she was incredibly rude. She said

Thank you for the flowers and gift, there was no need. X and I couldn't stop laughing when we opened the gift. He was on their board for years and (daughter) is one of their buyers so we know all their products even though we don't tend to buy them. Daughter will find this so funny too! Take care, A.

Is that not a really crass message? Or am I being over sensitive?

(It cost £70 so wasn't exactly cheap shit either)

OP posts:
stayathomer · 02/11/2023 06:11

If you find that rude you’re just very different people-I’d have laughed that they had ties with what I bought too and appreciated that we’re already on chatty, in joke terms!

Padz · 02/11/2023 06:12

I read that as she obviously misread the situation and thought you two had connected and she felt she could have a little banter with you, clearly you didn’t feel the same way.

loiss85 · 02/11/2023 06:15

Humblebottomous · 02/11/2023 03:45

You bought your neighbours grandchild a £70 gift??? YABU

This!! That's an insane amount of money on a baby / family you barely know. If a near stranger just spent that on my child I'd be perturbed tbh. I don't even think I spent that (per child) when my own nieces and nephews were initially born 😂

Her response wasn't rude either, imo. Just sharing a relevant anecdote as others have said. I wouldn't be remotely offended by that if I'd received it.

MoonlitStarryNights · 02/11/2023 06:18

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 02/11/2023 05:12

It's not at all rude - as people have already said it was an anecdote. She's just saying what a coincidence it was regarding the gift you chose.

Your reaction is rather odd.

Edited

I feel rather than odd, perhaps a sign that op has been treated unkindly in her own past.

I’ll clearly projecting a little here, but I felt it was possible, she had felt laughed at during key developmental stages in childhood when what she needed instead was loving support and guidance instead of feeling belittled for having child-emotions which need careful nurturing. If anything along those lines ever happens in childhood, it is not unexpected that this could result in hyper awareness and sensitivity to feeling laughed at as an adult, especially in moments where they’ve made themselves vulnerable by doing a overtly thoughtful gesture to thank someone for being there for them when they needed it in a moment of vulnerability (which any level of car accident would definitely be) that could be mis-perceived as overgenerous (another potential signal that an adult had to constantly please their care givers as a child to have any hope of getting their own genuine needs met in any way at all).

I have found it a little ironic that the minority of people who’ve chosen to attack the op (rather than the majority who’ve gently pointed out a likely alternative view) — essentially saying she’s wrong for not been capable of seeing her neighbour’s viewpoint and likely motivation behind text because she was clearly triggered by the words chosen - appear themselves to have been triggered by the amount the op spent on the gift - feeling uncomfortable with the perceived over generosity - rather than giving the op the same benefit of the doubt they’re telling her off for not giving the neighbour and thinking maybe it was difficult for her (maybe because of her own childhood experiences) to have helped by the neighbour at the moment of real vulnerability (the car accident) and she really appreciated the support and wanted to indicate just how much it meant to be support at that moment be the size of the gift.

WonderingWanda · 02/11/2023 06:20

I haven't read all the responses but no it wasn't rude at all. I suspect that you might have been expecting more profuse gratitude given the value of the gift and on some level feel a bit snubbed by her simple thank you.

LizzBurg · 02/11/2023 06:21

I know I’m missing the point but I wouldn’t spend £70 on the child of someone I know let alone someone I’ve spoken with once and I don’t want to be friends with.
The message, you’re overthinking it.

MoonlitStarryNights · 02/11/2023 06:24

WonderingWanda · 02/11/2023 06:20

I haven't read all the responses but no it wasn't rude at all. I suspect that you might have been expecting more profuse gratitude given the value of the gift and on some level feel a bit snubbed by her simple thank you.

Possibly - or alternatively, a bit disappointed that the intended subtext of the gift value (a sign of just how much that support from her neighbour at just the moment she needed really meant to op) had not been noticed and, worse still, potentially mis-interpreted.

GreyWednesday · 02/11/2023 06:24

The bit that would have bothered me initially is the ‘even though we don’t tend to buy them’. At first reading I thought that sounded a bit off, like there is something wrong it. I don’t think you’d generally let someone know that you don’t normally buy from X company when they give you a gift?

However, I assume she was actually reassuring you that her daughter doesn’t have lots of similar things at home already?

You did a nice thing, and I think her reply was intended to be nice too. I also don’t think £70 is a ridiculous amount to spend if you can easily afford it, which I assume you can.

On another note… please let it be Jellycat 😁

MoonlitStarryNights · 02/11/2023 06:27

GreyWednesday · 02/11/2023 06:24

The bit that would have bothered me initially is the ‘even though we don’t tend to buy them’. At first reading I thought that sounded a bit off, like there is something wrong it. I don’t think you’d generally let someone know that you don’t normally buy from X company when they give you a gift?

However, I assume she was actually reassuring you that her daughter doesn’t have lots of similar things at home already?

You did a nice thing, and I think her reply was intended to be nice too. I also don’t think £70 is a ridiculous amount to spend if you can easily afford it, which I assume you can.

On another note… please let it be Jellycat 😁

😊 My kids love Jellycat. I’ll willing to pay double what I would normally spend for a toy for a Jellycat toy for our kids, as they get so much out of how much they love them!

FannyBawz · 02/11/2023 06:28

Maybe judge her on how she was in a crisis as a total stranger rather than bleating about a poorly phrased thank you note ffs

overnightangel · 02/11/2023 06:29

Nasty, belittling and weird. Just no need.
All she needed to do was be gracious and say thank you

Ramalangadingdong · 02/11/2023 06:30

It is not rude. She’s right, it is a funny coincidence. And now you know something else about her, don’t you?

MoonlitStarryNights · 02/11/2023 06:31

FannyBawz · 02/11/2023 06:28

Maybe judge her on how she was in a crisis as a total stranger rather than bleating about a poorly phrased thank you note ffs

Maybe that same courtesy could be extended to the op!

Mmmm19 · 02/11/2023 06:32

I haven’t read all the replies but have read all yours OP but i dont understand the hard time you have been given. It was an odd / rude thing to point out in the reply so perfectly reasonable to question it at first and you have even replied to your neighbour politely based on the majority view here

PersephonePomegranate23 · 02/11/2023 06:33

To use a Mumnetism: you sound like hard work, OP.

It's a sum of money that means nothing to me or her, it's all just tokenism.

In other words: will you MN peasants stop going on about £70 and understand we are considerably richer than you!

Stressedoutmammy · 02/11/2023 06:35

I think it’s quite rude. She could have worded it differently, something like “excellent taste, that’s the company X was on the board for, such a coincidence, but it’s lovely, thank you!”

Ramalangadingdong · 02/11/2023 06:36

Just read the message again. Her husband was on the BOARD of the company you bought from. That is quite a big deal and of course he wouldn’t buy from them so it is quite funny. Can’t you see that they meant no harm?

StoatofDisarray · 02/11/2023 06:41

Wakeywake · 01/11/2023 13:24

Not rude. If anything, it was you who was clumsy for buying flowers and an expensive gift for a very casual acquaintance.

This. Did you buy an expensive gift because she's rich and you were sucking up to her a bit? Is this where all this angst over her message comes from?

Ramalangadingdong · 02/11/2023 06:41

Stressedoutmammy · 02/11/2023 06:35

I think it’s quite rude. She could have worded it differently, something like “excellent taste, that’s the company X was on the board for, such a coincidence, but it’s lovely, thank you!”

But she didn’t. She was excited aAnd wrote a quick text. I have done that and I am sure you have too. For all we know she may well be worrying that it seemed a bit rude but wouldn’t want to apologise for fear of making a mountain out of a molehill. That has also happened to me a few times. Op, please don’t make more of this than you need to. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Time will tell what sort of person she is.

nettie434 · 02/11/2023 06:48

I would have been absolutely delighted with your gifts. I would have interpreted her text as being more about being amused at the coincidence but also a compliment to the company that you bought its products without knowing about her family connection.

Roussette · 02/11/2023 06:57

I am absolutely gobsmacked. A Neighbour talks to you on the street and is helpful and you buy flowers and a £70 gift? Honestly? I don't spend that much on my best friend for her birthday.

This is so not normal, really it is completely bonkers. My neighbour has just got out of hospital. We socialise together as two couples, I bought her a £10 bunch of flowers and wrote her a nice card. She really appreciated it and we've had warm chats since.

Why in god's name would you spend that much on someone you've never even met before. It's very strange.

FaintlyInglorious · 02/11/2023 07:00

Thank you for the flowers and gift, there was no need. X and I couldn't stop laughing when we opened the gift. He was on their board for years and (daughter) is one of their buyers so we know all their products even though we don't tend to buy them. Daughter will find this so funny too. Take care. *
*
I cannot believe all the posters on here saying the OP is overreacting - this message is horrible. I just don't get it - it's like this woman took an instant dislike to the OP.

It's cruelly making fun out of what was an incredibly thoughtful gesture and deliberately trying to humiliate the OP. She sounds awful!

Any decent person, regardless of how much they actually liked the gifts, would have said something like:

"Thank you so much for the beautiful flowers and gift! That is so kind of you and my daughter will be really touched. Coincidentally she's actually a buyer for the company so we know their products well. I hope you're ok now and see you around soon."

Even if she felt she had nothing in common with the OP (huge age gap?) and had no intention of trying to develop a friendship, it's just nice to be neighbourly isn't it?

FaintlyInglorious · 02/11/2023 07:01

Roussette · 02/11/2023 06:57

I am absolutely gobsmacked. A Neighbour talks to you on the street and is helpful and you buy flowers and a £70 gift? Honestly? I don't spend that much on my best friend for her birthday.

This is so not normal, really it is completely bonkers. My neighbour has just got out of hospital. We socialise together as two couples, I bought her a £10 bunch of flowers and wrote her a nice card. She really appreciated it and we've had warm chats since.

Why in god's name would you spend that much on someone you've never even met before. It's very strange.

I got the feeling she's just affluent and this is a normal amount for her.

nottaotter · 02/11/2023 07:02

Odd message and I would think that it was rude.

Put to this way, if a friend or family member was deciding what to text as a thank you in that situation and ran that by you, would you say 'oh yes thats perfect.'

No you wouldn't unless you have the social skills and emotional intelligence of a gnat.

Everyone saying otherwise is just wanting a dig at the OP and a chance to feel superior.

FaintlyInglorious · 02/11/2023 07:08

I agree - all the posts saying the OP is overreacting seem just plain goady.

I'm fascinated as to where this is though. I'm thinking very posh, new-build cul de sac in Cheshire, and the OP is maybe a sexy young WAG and the neighbour is, well, a hag.

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