Aibu to think my parents are still biological

[Dontknowwhoiamrightnow]

Last week I urgently needed my birth certificate. I couldn't find it, so ordered a copy.
A few days later the post arrives and there is a letter to say that the information I provided for the birth certificate didn't match, but they checked some other files and the certificate is enclosed.
It's an ADOPTION certificate!!! I have an adoption certificate.
I had no idea I had even been adopted!!
Backstory-: I lived with my "mum and dad". I had my mum's maiden name at birth.
My parents told me that my name was changed to my dad's surname when they got married two years after birth.
I was told this was so that we could all have the same name.
This was In the 1980's.
My mum does look like me and my kids, so I think she is my biological mum.
AIBU to think that my parents are my biological parents and they became my adopters, just to change my name OR is it reasonable to think that my dad is not my real dad.
I know, I'm clutching at straws, it seems more than likely he's not my real dad.... How do I make sense of it all? Is there really any chance they are both my bio parents and the adoption was just to make me legitimate?
I'm in bits right now and don't know what to do xxx

If your parents weren't married is it possible that your Mum didn't want your dad on the bc because of them having different surnames?

Maybe she/they thought that he could just be added later when they married?

This update sounds more like a young unmarried family member was sent on holiday to give birth elsewhere. The not a single photo from when you were a baby either is strange.
But up to that point I had learnt something about a biological mum having to adopt with a partner when they adopted/got named on the certificate.

Sorry you are going through this at the same time as losing your grandparent.

The fact there are no baby photos of you does add an extra element to this, but you really need to call your mum and ask her.

So sorry you are going through this. I’m glad you’ve been able to speak to your uncle though.

i think what you know, plus the whole photos thing makes it likely there is something hidden. Was your mum on holiday when she gave birth or was she sent away to give birth….. it was very common in 60s /70’s if you were an unmarried mother… not so much in the 80s though?

I was born in 1984. My parents were unmarried when I was born.

I'm not sure what my original birth certificate says as I've never seen it so don't know what names are on it, but as they weren't married it would make sense my mother would show with her maiden name as that was the surname she used at the time.

My parents then got married the following year. I was told there was a 'rule' back then that if the parents married within a year if the birth, a new birth certificate could be issued with the mother being shown with her married name. So for pretences no one would have known she was an unmarried mother.

This is the birth certificate I have seen, but it says it is a certified copy and was issued in 1985. So it's not the 'the original' but a 'new' birth certificate showing my mother with her married surname.

If your parents married 2 years later, maybe the 'adoption' was the only way for your mother to be shown with her married name?

She's been loved and cared for all her life and that's what matters.

In 1983 it was still considered wrong to be an unmarried mother.

After the swinging sixties, "free love" and the rise of feminism? No.

In fact, not getting married was all the rage because there were still laws on the books that penalised women who were married. As in, things that single women could do but for which married women needed their husbands permission.

You know what's never gone out of fashion? Lying to children about who they are.

I'm in several genealogy groups and - unfortunately - people finding out that one or both of their parents aren't genetically related to them is depressingly common.

And this is why we don't lie to children...

OP I'm so sorry you had to find this out this way.
It is very unlikely that your DF had to adopt you when your parents married but moderately likely that he met your DM after you were born and then went through a step parent adoption, and this is why your DM had to readopt you.

@CliantheLang Your recollections differ from mine.

The swinging 60s heralded a sexual revolution etc with the Pill, but believe me, even in 1981 when Op was born, being an unmarried mother was frowned on in many social circles. (I'm older then OP's mother and my memory is still quite clear!)

I had a friend who the dad had to adopt his own child as his girlfriend was legally married to some else. Could it be something like that?

You just need to ask them!!!! Obvs

It is possible that both your parents are your biological parents. A birth can only be registered with an unmarried Mum and Dad if they both attend.
I was born in the 80’s and my parents weren’t married. My Mum registered me and was told they could ‘update’ the birth certificate up to me being a year old. Any later than that my Dad would have to adopt me. It is possible that this is what happened with you as you would have been too old for the birth certificate to be updated when they married.

I think right now I'd be searching out the laws in effect at the time of your birth regarding 'legitimizing' a child born out of wedlock when the parents marry. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that a putative father had to adopt his own biological child after he married the mother. Something 'formal' would have to be done to change a birth cert.

The thing is, since there was no such thing as DNA testing in 1983, even if your dad 'attested' legally back then that he was your father there was no real 'proof' to be submitted for the adoption, just his attestation. There have been cases where a man has sworn a child is his in order to adopt, only to repudiate it if the marriage fails.

The other very long shot possibility is that you are the child of an unmarried relative who was given to your parents to raise. Are there photos of your mum pregnant?

But one thing is sure...your parents ARE your real parents, adoptive or not. It is love, caring, and unfailing support that make a real parent, not biology. As an adopted child, trust me, I know.

@OopsaDazy and @CliantheLang - I think this varied massively by area.

I grew up in the south wales valleys and in the 1980s most people still looked down on unmarried mothers sadly.

I would ask your parents. OK, so they're currently bereaved, but I can't imagine how hurt I would feel if I were your mum and you didn't ask me.

Sounds very odd op. I hope you get some definitive answers as everyone deserves to know their history. Is there any local authority/court named on the paper work, I have thought adoption would have meant court and/or social care paper work. If so you could try contacting them. In your shoes, with the certificate and lack of baby photos I would be questioning too.

This must be a huge shock OP, but agree with others that you really need to ask your mum at least (preferably both parents, but I understand your reluctance to bring it up with your dad right now).
Take care 💐

Sounds like my friends situation - her biological mum met her adopted father when she was pregnant. When she was a toddler, she had to relinquish her rights and both parents then adopted her. They were open about this with her though and her “adopted” dad is, and always has been, just her dad.

I hope you get some answers soon, it sounds so difficult.

@Dontknowwhoiamrightnow

I'm sorry your Dad has just lost his Mum & I appreciate your concerned about causing more stress, but this is important AND I think asking others before discussing it with your parents isn't going to help things.

People here mean well, but often report what think should be the situation without any actual knowledge!

best of luck finding out the truth & coming to terms with it. Just remember biology isn't everything!!

People are discussing two different scenarios and getting confused between them.

There's unmarried biological parents getting married within a year of the child's birth - you get an updated birth certificate with child getting the name of the marriage (whatever name they had before).

Not sure what happens if you get married and it's later than a year. It might be an amended birth cert or it might be considered an adoption.

Step parent adoption is different, where (just to use the most common scenario for simplicity) the mother is the biological mother but the father is not, the couple have to adopt the child legally even though the mother obviously already had parental status.

I actually thought the stepparent thing was still the case but posters are saying it changed "recently" - it was certainly the case the last time I looked at it for DS1/DH.

Also obviously procedures might have changed at some point in the last 40 years. Surely there must be a record of what typically happened somewhere? Ask a local librarian/historian/someone who does family history research? (I don't know where you'd access somebody like that - maybe ask at a local museum?)

This.

I wouldn’t go asking relatives before you speak to your Mum and Dad.

To me it sounds very much as if the adoption was the admin needed to recognise your previously not married Dad’s parenthood and to achieve the name change that they wished for.

Your uncle remembers your birth, so your Mum is your birth Mum. I think it would be very efficient of her to have a new baby, meet a new partner and get to know that she wanted marriage and a baby with him within 2 years. So I suspect he is also your birth father.

If not, it would have been better not to find out like this but at least you know he was committed to bring your Dad.

Attitudes to tbh gs like adoption and birth parentage were a bit different then. Lots of adults thought it wasn’t necessary for children to know things.

This might be true in London but certainly wasn’t true where I was from (Wales), single parents or unmarried couples were very much frowned upon and judged.

This happened to me in early 80s in England.

I think previous posters nailed it. I was born and only mum on birth certificate as biological father didn't want to know. She met a guy she subsequently married and he adopted me. She had to surrender my birth certificate and received a certificate of adoption in return which read like they had both adopted me. Had I not been 6 at the time, I would have assumed as you did that neither was a biological parent. This was Scotland, mid 70s

I found out age 26 my dad wasn't my biological dad. They were going to tell me but my mum died when I was young and it just never happened.

My dad has always been there for me, he chose to be my dad which means more to me.

Whatever you uncover OP I hope you remember these people have always loved you and you can all process it together.