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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas Dilemma- WWYD?

784 replies

christmasstollen · 31/10/2023 16:39

I am one of 4 children, all in our 60s. For the last 10 years my brother and I had arranged alternating hosting my widowed mother for Christmas (other 2 'children' stay on their own and have refused to host for the last 40 years). Except that my brother always makes an excuse and so we (DH, DCs and I) have hosted my mum every year.

After the last couple of Christmases with no thanks afterwards I put my foot down and told my brother we aren't having mum this Christmas its his turn. He agreed but has just phoned to say he's going abroad with his girlfriend so obviously can't host. I didn't want to be manipulated into having her so I said that was fine and mum would have to be on her own. Phoned mum who knew the new plans, said it was fine and she would have lunch with exDIL (Brother's ExWife) and just have a plate of vegetables (was very woe is me). Brother is the Golden Child so no blame on him wanting to go somewhere sunny, all the unsaid blame on me for not offering to host that instant.

I'm in a real quandary of what to do. On the one hand brother is getting what he wants and I'm the 'bad child' for letting mum be on her own, on the other hand he always gets away with it and the last few years I've not received any thanks for the immense amount of laundry/cooking/cleaning over 4 days.

Complicating things is that mum up until this year has been in exceptional health and is very spritely for a 90 year old. This year she's had some serious health scares and family are whispering 'what if it's her last Christmas?'

An option is to pay for her to stay in a local hotel and do pick ups/drop offs as well as pay for a taxi to bring her and take her back either side of Christmas but this would all cost £500ish which neither of us have. Any opinions welcome.

For voting:
YABU- Host your mum for what could be her last Christmas
YANBU- Don't host her as this is your brother's responsibility

OP posts:
PickledPurplePickle · 31/10/2023 19:11

She’s 90 bless her - I would suck it up as you might regret it forever if this ends up being her last Christmas with you x

HeavenKnowsIamMiserableNow · 31/10/2023 19:12

Host

This is my second Christmas without my mother, I would have the whole neighbourhood in, just to have Christmas with her.

You will regret it, for the rest of your life.

BIossomtoes · 31/10/2023 19:13

I see OP hasn’t returned to one of the most heartbreaking and mean spirited threads I’ve ever seen. Odd that.

laclochette · 31/10/2023 19:15

Don't punish your mum for your brother's selfishness. It's that simple.

ilovesooty · 31/10/2023 19:18

BIossomtoes · 31/10/2023 19:13

I see OP hasn’t returned to one of the most heartbreaking and mean spirited threads I’ve ever seen. Odd that.

She's already feeling guilt tripped. I doubt if most of the responses have made her feel any better.

MarryingMrDarcy · 31/10/2023 19:22

HeavenKnowsIamMiserableNow · 31/10/2023 19:12

Host

This is my second Christmas without my mother, I would have the whole neighbourhood in, just to have Christmas with her.

You will regret it, for the rest of your life.

I’m really sorry you lost your Mum, I empathise. But until we know more about the OP’s relationship with hers we can’t really say to what extent she would regret it.

NewFriendlyLadybird · 31/10/2023 19:23

Weird. We used to compete over hosting my mother. I hosted her for her last Christmas and I’m extremely glad I did.

OhComeOnFFS · 31/10/2023 19:24

I think it depends on what your relationship with her is like and whether it would spoil your own Christmas to have her with you or to know she's not with direct family.

Would her ex DIL want to spend Christmas with her?

JaffavsCookie · 31/10/2023 19:24

OP, my mother is difficult, and was not nice to us growing up ( we lived in fear of her tempers, and I was the kid with loo roll stuck in my knickers instead of pads, she “always” forgot to buy me them) but you know what, she’s my mum, she had a shit childhood herself and she’s 88.
I have hosted her ( and sometimes both siblings, sometimes just one) for the past 24 years. I can’t see why I would, or you would, suddenly stop hosting her.
I would host her, actually in your case not least for the guilt if she passes next year and you think back, and realise you could have been the bigger person. Sorry your siblings are shit, one of mine is unbelievably so, one is lovely but for various reasons would never host Christmas.

WonderingWanda · 31/10/2023 19:34

Is the reason you aren't hosting her logistical e.g you've already invited your inlaws and have no spare beds left? If not then just go ahead and host her but also get online and book a holiday for next Christmas and tell all your selfish family they will have to host next year.

Your brother is incredibly selfish. I can see why you absolutely want to stick to your guns and if your mother was much younger I would say do it but given her age and recent decline I think maybe it's best to just host her.

Springingintosummer · 31/10/2023 19:42

My parents have both died well before 75years old, so I would be delighted to have my Mum for Christmas if I had a chance.

but if it is too much for you to cook, clean, plate more food for one extra person then do what is best for you.

Tigger1895 · 31/10/2023 19:45

Invite your mum, if you brother decides not to go away make sure you don’t let him weasel an invitation.

Inyournewdress · 31/10/2023 19:47

This is a strangely emotionless post to me.

This should be about your mum, not about your relationship with your brother. Your annoyance at his behaviour needs to be a separate issue, your mum and where she spends Christmas shouldn’t be just a pawn to use to punish him with. Sounds like he wouldn’t care anyway.

I don’t know if there is about to be a drip feed but it seems obvious to me you host your mum. Scale back as much as you can on the cooking and cleaning.

AnneValentine · 31/10/2023 19:48

Why do you hate your mum?

Stopbloodybanging · 31/10/2023 19:50

Your siblings are not nice people. Don’t be like them. Your poor mother.

ohtowinthelottery · 31/10/2023 19:50

Direct your anger at your brother (and your other 2 siblings). Don't punish your elderly mother.

I'm the youngest of 3 and the only girl. It was always down to me to host my parents at Christmas and then latterly my widowed DM. She always expected turkey at Christmas. My DH and DCs would never have chosen turkey for Christmas Dinner (much preferred goose, duck or rib of beef)but we dutifully had turkey because that is what my DM liked and now that she's no longer with us we can choose whatever we like. Life is full of compromises.

sandyhappypeople · 31/10/2023 19:59

the last few years I've not received any thanks for the immense amount of laundry/cooking/cleaning over 4 days.

I honestly don’t get this attitude, how much EXTRA work can one person be? why would you have to cook, clean and do laundry more than normal (except bedding)? If it’s the lack of help from your DH & kids over Christmas in general then don’t you think it is THEM that you should be aiming this attitude at?

but bottom line is, if you don’t WANT to host her then don’t, you don’t sound like you even like her to be fair.

HR313 · 31/10/2023 20:00

Your brother sounds horrible. Sorry you’ve had to put up with that.

If it was me though I’d be having my mum round regardless.

PassTheNuggetsPlease · 31/10/2023 20:01

@Inyournewdress@ohtowinthelottery I don't see why you're treating OP's mum as some sort of child. Being 'elderly' doesn't change her character not does it make her worthy of special consideration. Nor is she a silent voiceless object to be shunted around.

She deserves to be alone (and so do all the people on this thread actually) for blaming the OP. Instead of the brother - the ACTUAL person whose fault it is. Talking about vegetables is plain manipulative and guilt trippy.

If she's played favourites her being alone is not due to anybody else's heartlessness but the result of her own choices. Well deserved in my humble opinion.

Mikimoto · 31/10/2023 20:02

Have your mum round, then spending N Year browsing holiday pages for YOUR Xmas in the sun next year?!

DisingenuousBatshittery · 31/10/2023 20:02

Oooh Christmas Chicken, my favourite game. Sounds like OP is about to blink though.

Crabward · 31/10/2023 20:03

I would host, but only for your dmum, and if it is that every year from now on then so be it. Dont host db etc again though, and if he asks then explain why. Hosting xmas doesnt have to be such a big deal though, maybe consider scaling back with just one extra guest. Just do a big roast and have a relaxing evening all together

Dymaxion · 31/10/2023 20:06

An option is to pay for her to stay in a local hotel and do pick ups/drop offs as well as pay for a taxi to bring her and take her back either side of Christmas but this would all cost £500ish which neither of us have.

I think your Brother should pay for this option, he has managed to get out hosting for years and is doing so again by going on holiday at one of the most expensive times of the year, I imagine if he can afford to do that he can afford to pay for his Mother to stay in a hotel/taxi etc ?

Weeteeny · 31/10/2023 20:06

There must be a back story to this greater than the op has shared . I can't imagine anyone leaving a 90 year old alone on Christmas day wondering why not one of her children cares not a jot for her

easylikeasundaymorn · 31/10/2023 20:06

it depends, because you haven't given any real reason why you don't want to host her.

If you don't get on with her and she isn't very pleasant to you, then YANBU, you've more than done your bit For none of a woman's 4 kids to want to host her, there's an inference she wasn't the best mother and if that's the case then she's just reaping what she sowed. The only bit that might be U is why you're focussing just on the 1 DB when all of the other siblings are as bad.

If she's fine and the only reason you don't want to host her is because you don't get thanked (which while annoying, isn't the end of the world, and tbh I can't see how hosting one 89 year old can result in 'immense' extra amount of laundry, cooking etc.) then you might be unreasonable.