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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas Dilemma- WWYD?

784 replies

christmasstollen · 31/10/2023 16:39

I am one of 4 children, all in our 60s. For the last 10 years my brother and I had arranged alternating hosting my widowed mother for Christmas (other 2 'children' stay on their own and have refused to host for the last 40 years). Except that my brother always makes an excuse and so we (DH, DCs and I) have hosted my mum every year.

After the last couple of Christmases with no thanks afterwards I put my foot down and told my brother we aren't having mum this Christmas its his turn. He agreed but has just phoned to say he's going abroad with his girlfriend so obviously can't host. I didn't want to be manipulated into having her so I said that was fine and mum would have to be on her own. Phoned mum who knew the new plans, said it was fine and she would have lunch with exDIL (Brother's ExWife) and just have a plate of vegetables (was very woe is me). Brother is the Golden Child so no blame on him wanting to go somewhere sunny, all the unsaid blame on me for not offering to host that instant.

I'm in a real quandary of what to do. On the one hand brother is getting what he wants and I'm the 'bad child' for letting mum be on her own, on the other hand he always gets away with it and the last few years I've not received any thanks for the immense amount of laundry/cooking/cleaning over 4 days.

Complicating things is that mum up until this year has been in exceptional health and is very spritely for a 90 year old. This year she's had some serious health scares and family are whispering 'what if it's her last Christmas?'

An option is to pay for her to stay in a local hotel and do pick ups/drop offs as well as pay for a taxi to bring her and take her back either side of Christmas but this would all cost £500ish which neither of us have. Any opinions welcome.

For voting:
YABU- Host your mum for what could be her last Christmas
YANBU- Don't host her as this is your brother's responsibility

OP posts:
Blanketpolicy · 31/10/2023 18:44

enchantedsquirrelwood · 31/10/2023 17:42

I mean, come on! If my kids ever left me on my own at Christmas when I'm 90, they'd be getting absolutely fuck all from me when I'd gone

I assume your children aren't married/don't have partners, and don't have in-laws that they have to "share" the Christmasses with?

Edited

Agree with @Dacadactyl 's statement and I hope I have modelled by example to ds that you don't leave anyone you care about, or people they care about, lonely or feeling unwanted at Christmas.

Once you get older there will be times there will be elderly people in families that don't quite fit into rigid plans, but it is completely in your control to be flexible and show a bit of warmth and compassion, especially at Christmas!

My or my siblings family Christmases regularly feature a random slightly pissed oldie from the in-laws side! They can be quiet entertaining!

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 31/10/2023 18:45

I appreciate your general point, but I'm not seeing any reason why you don't want your mother to come. You haven't written that she's unpleasant or horrible.

immense amount of laundry/cooking/cleaning over 4 days.

Realistically, how much extra cooking is needed for one woman that you wouldn't be doing at Christmas anyway? Same for laundry, surely you just wash her sheets when she leaves and she takes clothes with her? Cleaning - what extra cleaning is this?

Don't host her if you don't want to, you're not obliged to, but your brother isn't under any obligation to either.

DarkDarkNight · 31/10/2023 18:46

I think your brother (and your other 2 siblings) are arseholes. Your brother even more than the other two for pretending he is going to do his fair share and constantly letting you and your mum down. My mum was in the same position with her mum in that she was always the one left to do everything. Some siblings ducked out entirely, some made pretend they helped but it was always on their terms and very limited.

As tempting as it is to say you’ve done your bit and it’s him who has let your mum down so you’re not hosting I don’t think I could do it in the face of your mum’s worsening health. Would you be able to forgive yourself if it was her last Christmas? I would take it easy on yourself and make it as easy as you can with a takeaway one night, prepared foods, less pressure but I would host.

gannett · 31/10/2023 18:48

Nicole1111 · 31/10/2023 18:21

Host her and send a bill to your brother for anything involved in doing so

Multiple posters have suggested this and I have to know how they think it will work?

He will ignore the bill, if she sends one. Which he would be correct to do tbh.

Moderateorgoodoccasionallyverypoor · 31/10/2023 18:50

I saw something that hit me hard on the recent thread where the poor op was racing to her DM’s bedside, and who was beating herself up for being irritated with her due to having (as we all have) a busy life

This woman who taught me to use a spoon. What was I thinking being irritated by her increasing age?

She really won’t be around for ever op. I do get it, DSis and I have been saying ‘who’s inviting mum this Christmas’, each of us preferring it was the other, for years. I would be heartbroken for my DC to think this way of me in the future though!

CheshireCat1 · 31/10/2023 18:50

Have your mother over for Christmas

AllstarFacilier · 31/10/2023 18:53

I’d host her but I’d put it to the others to pay towards it.

twattydogshavetwattypeople · 31/10/2023 18:53

Families are complicated, but if none of her four children wants her company for a day, there must be a bloody good reason.

Thomasina79 · 31/10/2023 18:53

My mum has passed away now, but when alive she was very, very difficult to deal with the word narcissistic was invented with her in mind!

however I would not have left her alone at Christmas, I think a person has to be very hard hearted to leave a 90 year old on their own at such a time. As others have said this may be her last one

MeridianB · 31/10/2023 18:54

Totally understand and you’re definitely not being unreasonable. But rise above it, OP

Your siblings should all be ashamed of themselves, especially your snidely brother, who is an utter cockwomble.

I bet they will all suddenly find the time when she passes away and there’s a will (sorry).

Mygosh · 31/10/2023 18:54

Your poor mum. Leading up to Xmas we hear so much about elderly people being forgotten. I think it's really sad that you won't have her round because of a silly dispute between your brother and yourself.

Enjoy her company whilst you still can. I'm sure she'd help around the house if you asked.

MarryingMrDarcy · 31/10/2023 18:54

Moderateorgoodoccasionallyverypoor · 31/10/2023 18:50

I saw something that hit me hard on the recent thread where the poor op was racing to her DM’s bedside, and who was beating herself up for being irritated with her due to having (as we all have) a busy life

This woman who taught me to use a spoon. What was I thinking being irritated by her increasing age?

She really won’t be around for ever op. I do get it, DSis and I have been saying ‘who’s inviting mum this Christmas’, each of us preferring it was the other, for years. I would be heartbroken for my DC to think this way of me in the future though!

I get your point and I think for most people (who have a basically overall good relationship with their mother) that the gripes, small irritations and general ups/downs of life later on shouldn’t fundamentally change the importance of that bond.

I do wonder in the case of the OP whether there is a backstory though. If there is, the guilt tripping on this thread is going to look a bit savage tbh.

AbbeyGailsParty · 31/10/2023 18:59

For far less than £500 you could have her bedding professionally laundered and ironed and returned to you. And you could have a cleaner in for a half day or buy all the Christmas food ready prepared. You sound like a martyr.

ThereIbledit · 31/10/2023 19:01

I'd have her, but not for 4 days. Strip it back to two days.

BeyondMyWits · 31/10/2023 19:02

I'd just host anyway. You can choose not to, but you'd probably feel bad. I'd rather feel hard done by than mean.

I do, every year... I don't really want to, but MIL has dementia and would otherwise spend the day alone, except for carers going in 4 times a day . And they are bloomin lovely private carers, so "deserve" Christmas off.

Yep she's hard work, yep I'm fed up. But the only option is do it and feel a bit bad or don't and feel dreadful ... some option.

HazelBite · 31/10/2023 19:02

Gosh I hope I never irritate my adult DC's to the extent that I'm never invited to spend Xmas with them. I am in my 70's and am actually fed up with each Xmas hosting lunch for 12+ family members, I think I deserve a rest after years of this, but I hate to think once I say I can't do this anymore I am abandoned to my own devices to a turkey dinner for one and the TV!!
Do you really need to ask OP???

RaininSummer · 31/10/2023 19:03

Unless your mum is a monster, I think it's mean not to have her for Christmas. At 90 there aren't many more.

Nicole1111 · 31/10/2023 19:04

gannett · 31/10/2023 18:48

Multiple posters have suggested this and I have to know how they think it will work?

He will ignore the bill, if she sends one. Which he would be correct to do tbh.

Show quote history

Presumably if he can afford a holiday then he can afford to pay for additional costs that the op will have as a result of him breaking their agreement. You might also find that while he’s done this he has some form of conscience and pays in recognition of him not adhering to his side of the deal. And even if he doesn’t pay it may make him stop and think about how much effort his sister has gone to each year

Doopydoo · 31/10/2023 19:04

I would host her and tell the other siblings that they are all a disgrace.

Bobbotgegrinch · 31/10/2023 19:06

I'd host your Mum, you're the one who's going to feel like crap if this does turn out to be her last Christmas.

I'd stop inviting your brother in future though.

BeyondMyWits · 31/10/2023 19:07

Oh... and my MIL has had 12 "could be the last" Christmases... so far... so I would take all the "could be..." with a pinch of salt

Danielle8p · 31/10/2023 19:08

@christmasstollen immense amount of laundry/cooking/cleaning over 4 days??? She's one extra person and I can't belive she adds much to the jobs your already doing. You post is so sad and try imagine your child talking about you one day like this over simply having your mum over for Christmas. Really sad

gannett · 31/10/2023 19:09

Nicole1111 · 31/10/2023 19:04

Presumably if he can afford a holiday then he can afford to pay for additional costs that the op will have as a result of him breaking their agreement. You might also find that while he’s done this he has some form of conscience and pays in recognition of him not adhering to his side of the deal. And even if he doesn’t pay it may make him stop and think about how much effort his sister has gone to each year

Edited
Show quote history

He hasn't adhered to his side of the "deal" in a decade, which is long enough that it barely counts as a deal any more. If he's neither paid nor stopped to think in that time he's not about to start now.

He probably can afford it but he won't pay it, and the OP can't make him.

Takenoprisoner · 31/10/2023 19:10

Can you host her for fewer days and also cut down on the amount of cooking and effort for her? Also why is there so much extra prep, cooking, cleaning and laundry from one person staying over?

Dacadactyl · 31/10/2023 19:11

HazelBite · 31/10/2023 19:02

Gosh I hope I never irritate my adult DC's to the extent that I'm never invited to spend Xmas with them. I am in my 70's and am actually fed up with each Xmas hosting lunch for 12+ family members, I think I deserve a rest after years of this, but I hate to think once I say I can't do this anymore I am abandoned to my own devices to a turkey dinner for one and the TV!!
Do you really need to ask OP???

There's an unwritten rule in our family that once you're married and settled you take on the mantle of doing Christmas for parents.

So my parents haven't had to do Christmas since their late 50s (about 14 years now) and my sister and I alternate our parents and in laws.