Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas Dilemma- WWYD?

784 replies

christmasstollen · 31/10/2023 16:39

I am one of 4 children, all in our 60s. For the last 10 years my brother and I had arranged alternating hosting my widowed mother for Christmas (other 2 'children' stay on their own and have refused to host for the last 40 years). Except that my brother always makes an excuse and so we (DH, DCs and I) have hosted my mum every year.

After the last couple of Christmases with no thanks afterwards I put my foot down and told my brother we aren't having mum this Christmas its his turn. He agreed but has just phoned to say he's going abroad with his girlfriend so obviously can't host. I didn't want to be manipulated into having her so I said that was fine and mum would have to be on her own. Phoned mum who knew the new plans, said it was fine and she would have lunch with exDIL (Brother's ExWife) and just have a plate of vegetables (was very woe is me). Brother is the Golden Child so no blame on him wanting to go somewhere sunny, all the unsaid blame on me for not offering to host that instant.

I'm in a real quandary of what to do. On the one hand brother is getting what he wants and I'm the 'bad child' for letting mum be on her own, on the other hand he always gets away with it and the last few years I've not received any thanks for the immense amount of laundry/cooking/cleaning over 4 days.

Complicating things is that mum up until this year has been in exceptional health and is very spritely for a 90 year old. This year she's had some serious health scares and family are whispering 'what if it's her last Christmas?'

An option is to pay for her to stay in a local hotel and do pick ups/drop offs as well as pay for a taxi to bring her and take her back either side of Christmas but this would all cost £500ish which neither of us have. Any opinions welcome.

For voting:
YABU- Host your mum for what could be her last Christmas
YANBU- Don't host her as this is your brother's responsibility

OP posts:
MarryingMrDarcy · 31/10/2023 20:13

Weeteeny · 31/10/2023 20:06

There must be a back story to this greater than the op has shared . I can't imagine anyone leaving a 90 year old alone on Christmas day wondering why not one of her children cares not a jot for her

Her. Mum. Isn’t. Going. To. Be. Alone. FFS!!

Ger1atricMillennial · 31/10/2023 20:14

Being the default child sucks... you do the most and feel the guilt the most. It sounds like your cheerfulness has finally run out! The emotional guilt being laid at your door is unfair, you need a break.

I like the idea about getting her a hotel and making your brother pay, BUT that may become his get out free card in the future, clearly spending time with his mum at Christmas is not high on his priority list.

I would suggest that you let her make her own plans and not be available. She is an adult and if she wants Christmas with any other family members she needs to ask. It is going to be very uncomfortable for you, so maybe you say you will visit go and stay with her on Boxing Day for a couple of days.

Blanketpolicy · 31/10/2023 20:24

MarryingMrDarcy · 31/10/2023 20:13

Her. Mum. Isn’t. Going. To. Be. Alone. FFS!!

Show quote history

She might not be alone, but it will be a lonely place if you get to 90 and not one of your 4 children will go out of their way to make you feel welcome at Christmas.

Well done to the exDIL for having a heart, I would be both ashamed and mortified if someone else felt they had to host my 90 year old mum because I wouldn't.

MarryingMrDarcy · 31/10/2023 20:26

Blanketpolicy · 31/10/2023 20:24

She might not be alone, but it will be a lonely place if you get to 90 and not one of your 4 children will go out of their way to make you feel welcome at Christmas.

Well done to the exDIL for having a heart, I would be both ashamed and mortified if someone else felt they had to host my 90 year old mum because I wouldn't.

Show quote history

We don’t know what their relationship is like and until we do it’s probably not worth making a judgement.

But saying she will be alone is factually incorrect and bloody annoying.

BIossomtoes · 31/10/2023 20:26

She is an adult and if she wants Christmas with any other family members she needs to ask.

She’s 90, ffs. What kind of miserable human being do you have to be to expect a 90 year old woman to beg her relatives to have her for Christmas?

Burnoutwhat · 31/10/2023 20:31

I'd just host her. I'd also reconsider my relationship with my brother. What are other 2 doing in all of this?

Also eh ck story unless she's absolutely fucking awful or there is a back story around her treatment of you, I'd find it hard to aamke her be alone just to spite my brother.

Spirallingdownwards · 31/10/2023 20:31

Having spent one Christmas entirely alone I would never let anyone be alone at Christmas unless they chose to.

user1492757084 · 31/10/2023 20:33

Your mother is 90. Host both her and her exDIL.
Ask your brother for a monetery contribution to help you with any Hotel or travel expenses.
How could you leave your mother alone at Christmas?
If you were an only child you would host her.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 31/10/2023 20:37

Invite your mum to stay for Xmas, and just to piss off your selfish prick of a brother, invite ex-SiL as well

AnxietyLevelMax · 31/10/2023 20:40

Old people change. She might be more annoying and hard to be around. You wont be any different at her age, but I bet you will want to feel welcome and taken care of at Christmas by at least one of your child. Its not like you have to care for her on daily basis and live under the same roof. I really hope none of my grown up children will ever post something awful like this !

BrightLightTonight · 31/10/2023 20:41

I understand where you are coming from. I am in a similar position. I have one brother who since my dad died 25 years ago has washed his hands of sharing mum responsibilities, which means every bank holiday Mum comes to mine. Every Christmas, for the last 25 years. I really long for a Christmas by myself, but mum is now 93, this could be her last - something that has been on my mind for the last 10 years, so once again she is back to mine.

Coachvikki · 31/10/2023 20:43

I never understand people grudgingly hosting christmas. Either you like your relatives, so you host, or you don't, so you don't host. Unless there is a serious affordability issue, I don't get why people moan about it.

porridgeisbae · 31/10/2023 20:44

she's just reaping what she sowed

An eye for an eye would make the whole world blind.

Dymaxion · 31/10/2023 20:45

Your mother is 90. Host both her and her exDIL.

How do we know exDIL is up for hosting anyway ? or is another female always the default ? She may have other family and friends who she wants to spend Christmas with ? She might not appreciate the idea of going to OP's for Christmas as their Mothers plus one ? or does the fact that she is divorced from OP's useless Brother mean she must be sat at home all by herself, fondly preparing vegtables in anticipation ?

Crimpolene · 31/10/2023 20:48

My mother gets drunk and difficult at most family events including Christmas. Still wouldn’t leave her alone at Christmas.

housethatbuiltme · 31/10/2023 20:50

We do Christmas just us, always have, always will but honestly doing that sounds awful... you are very loudly saying 'you're a PITA and we don't want you... neither does DB or anyone else'.

You set up this tradition and cancelling it now is shitty and the attitude is shitty.

I can also tell you now, I missed my mams last birthday (was on holiday with the kid, due to half term cost it was the only time we could afford). My siblings also missed it (by choice because they didn't care) so I said I would do a big thing for her next year (on her big birthday) and she died very suddenly soon after... I still feel awful.

Codlingmoths · 31/10/2023 20:50

The person I would never host again is your brother. I’d have your mum and make the plans something that appealed to you- is the reason it’s so much work that you have everybody? Because I wouldn’t have any of my siblings. I wouldn’t host my brother ever again for Christmas that’s for sure. ‘Such a shame we never get family Christmasses anymore, it just got too much for me to host but if you ever feel like it mum will get a last family Christmas.’

IAmtheVampiresWife · 31/10/2023 20:50

Many people would be happy to have a Christmas with their mother. Don;t be a dick about this.

Supersimkin2 · 31/10/2023 20:58

DM announcing she’ll ’just have a plate of vegetables’ in a quavery martyr voice would send my front door flying shut.

I doubt she’ll drop dead on Boxing Day to spite you OP - no matter how much most posters here want her to.

You’re having a year off Xmas hosting, it’s allowed.

Enjoy it.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 31/10/2023 20:59

Come on. She is in her 90's, and a widow. Your beef is with your useless siblings (all 3 of them) not your elderly mother.
There is line from The Perfect Word ... "I don't want to win the fight...I just want to make it right".

Gagagardener · 31/10/2023 21:01

IHNRTWT. I voted YABU, but only because I think you will regret not having your mother at Christmas this year if she dies before next year's. BUT you would do well to make arrangements early in the year to spend next Christmas elsewhere, and then to repeat to your brother (and other siblings) in the same clear language you have used here exactly how you feel about his/their persistent shirking of responsibility and that you will not host next year.

AmyByTheTrain · 31/10/2023 21:02

Yanbu, but should probably host her anyway.

Firefly1987 · 31/10/2023 21:02

I bet she had four kids thinking she'd have loads of family around her in her later years. Glad I'm childfree than just unwanted tbh.

I'm not sure what you can really do now, the damage has already been done-you've told her you're not having her, if you change your mind now she'll know it's just out of guilt and obligation.

Nowdontmakeamess · 31/10/2023 21:02

IAmtheVampiresWife · 31/10/2023 20:50

Many people would be happy to have a Christmas with their mother. Don;t be a dick about this.

Maybe be this particular mother is not that great. 4 out of 4 kids don’t want her, she must have done something wrong.

Onemoretimeok · 31/10/2023 21:04

Sorry, other than being annoyed that it’s always your turn, I can’t think why you wouldn’t have your mum at Christmas? Most of us host family at some
point over Christmas .Isn’t spending time
with family half the point of Christmas? And why are you pissed off with one brother but not the other two siblings?
Personally I couldn’t leave my mum on her own at Christmas. And at 90 I think she’d be entitled to be ‘woe is me’ is that is what I suggested!

Swipe left for the next trending thread