Christmas Dilemma- WWYD?

[christmasstollen]

I am one of 4 children, all in our 60s. For the last 10 years my brother and I had arranged alternating hosting my widowed mother for Christmas (other 2 'children' stay on their own and have refused to host for the last 40 years). Except that my brother always makes an excuse and so we (DH, DCs and I) have hosted my mum every year.

After the last couple of Christmases with no thanks afterwards I put my foot down and told my brother we aren't having mum this Christmas its his turn. He agreed but has just phoned to say he's going abroad with his girlfriend so obviously can't host. I didn't want to be manipulated into having her so I said that was fine and mum would have to be on her own. Phoned mum who knew the new plans, said it was fine and she would have lunch with exDIL (Brother's ExWife) and just have a plate of vegetables (was very woe is me). Brother is the Golden Child so no blame on him wanting to go somewhere sunny, all the unsaid blame on me for not offering to host that instant.

I'm in a real quandary of what to do. On the one hand brother is getting what he wants and I'm the 'bad child' for letting mum be on her own, on the other hand he always gets away with it and the last few years I've not received any thanks for the immense amount of laundry/cooking/cleaning over 4 days.

Complicating things is that mum up until this year has been in exceptional health and is very spritely for a 90 year old. This year she's had some serious health scares and family are whispering 'what if it's her last Christmas?'

An option is to pay for her to stay in a local hotel and do pick ups/drop offs as well as pay for a taxi to bring her and take her back either side of Christmas but this would all cost £500ish which neither of us have. Any opinions welcome.

For voting:
YABU- Host your mum for what could be her last Christmas
YANBU- Don't host her as this is your brother's responsibility

Why is it 4 days ?
Can you strip it back - even if it means a fair bit of driving- to Christmas day only?

Do you like Christmas with your mum? Is she nice to have as a guest? Do you all enjoy Christmas while she’s there? If you’ve been hosting for the last 10 years (notwithstanding the “agreement” to alternate with your DB) aren’t most of your traditions and wrapped up in your mum being there?

If it’s just that it’s hard work hosting over Christmas, could you scale back a bit? Having one guest for a few days doesn’t normally have to be an immense amount of extra work and effort. Keep the fun bits, scale back the hard bits and enjoy being with her for the years you have left.

But, reading between the lines, it sounds like you do a lot for your mum, including the hosting at Christmas, your mum doesn’t seem to acknowledge that. She possibly makes the household difficult while she stays? And is ungrateful? And you’re pissed off that your DB puts no effort in but your mum thinks the sun shines out of his backside?

If that’s the case I don’t think there’s any point hosting her unless you’re going to feel guilty and awful about it if she does die this year. These things are supposed to be fun for everyone. Someone who is ungrateful and treats you unfairly doesn’t have to be indulged because they might die this year. You can prioritise the rest of your family, including yourself, and ensure you have a Christmas you enjoy. Your mum can find companionship in people she is prepared to be nice to.

If it’s at neither extreme, I would tend to veer towards hosting, but scaled right back. And maybe announce plans next August to be away next Christmas (even if you don’t actually go anywhere).

YANBU

If you dB is going away, why is it ok to push responsibility back on you? Why doesn't he talk to your siblings and ask them to step up?

Whe was his holiday booked? Why didn't he think of your dmum?

Depends whether you like your friends better than your relatives, I suppose.

I’m very sorry to read this, OP. You’ve been badly let down by your siblings, both the brother who has made promises and then reneged on them, and the others who haven’t offered at all. My view, for what its worth, is that you should host your mum this time, that you should make it very clear to your siblings that it must be their turn next. You probably aren’t thinking as far as Christmas 2024 yet, but if there is another occasion when you tend to get together as a family (maybe Easter or birthdays) book yourself a holiday at that time and let the others know well in advance.

I have an elderly parent and have no siblings living so it is non-negotiable that Parent comes to me every Christmas. I enjoy it, especially as I know there won’t be many years left, but I can’t deny it’s hard work in some ways. We do find it easier with other guests too - adult children, etc, who can help share the hosting. I don’t know if that is a possibility for you.

Of course, if she is very close to her ExDiL (is this lady a vegetarian? Does she not serve meat to guests?) and you think she’d be very happy with that arrangement, maybe go with that. But it doesn’t sound from what you said that she would be happy with that. As she is the more vulnerable one, I would say that the rule of thumb is that mum comes first.

You just need to decide how much you like your mum and if making a point to your brother (who doesn't care anyway) is more important to you than your mum being lonely at Christmas.

I would invite my mum and never invite my brother again!

Have you/she spoken with the other siblings? Maybe one of them could step up this year?

If you didn’t have any siblings, what would you do?

Do that…

I disagree. In any case, you said ‘alone’ not ‘spending Christmas with a less desirable/biologically close relative’ - which is untrue.

As an aside, this is the kind of family set-up where I take back my usual assertion on the inheritance threads that inheritance should be split equally between the children whatever. You can bet that all the siblings will be expecting an equal share of any inheritance coming their way even though OP seems to do the most family stuff for their mum and the others make themselves scarce.

In terms of this Christmas. Unless she is REALLY difficult and makes the whole day miserable I think I would just host her. It's just a day. Don't just "put up or shut up" though if she's difficult. Be assertive. If she finds fault in the way you or the children do things, be sure to say "Ah well, times have changed and it's done differently these days" or "oh, don't you enjoy x/y/z? What a shame! We all love it." And move the conversation on. At 90 you're not going to be able to change her but you can make yourself feel better by not keeping it all inside.

By the way, what happens with DH's side of the family? Don't you ever host the inlaws, or visit them at theirs?

It depends on your relationship with your DM.

Hell would freeze over before I ever had my DM for Christmas but I would do most anything to still have my DF on Christmas Day and our big Boxing Day all family day.

I must be missing something about how much extra work a 90 yr old generates. I feel like making sure everyone feels special and cared for is kind of the point of Christmas, so unless I'm missing something about her ruining it for your kids or something, of course she should come over. Your brother isn't part of this equation. He's clearly not bothered so it won't teach him anything to leave her with his ex. The 2 other adult children who aren't in the running are just as 'responsible' as him, he just hasn't spelled it out like they have. But you'll rest easy when it is actually your mum's last Christmas knowing you did what felt right.

Well @christmasstollen your family are doing you over 100%

tell the whisperers to offer to host for once.

even your mum with her woe is me plate of vegetables (ffs!)

is that the reason why her other 2 kids have never hosted?

this is not your problem to fix. Let her go to ex-DIL, they might enjoy the change.

Spend the £500 sending her away with your brother and his girlfriend.

You could tell your brother that as it's his turn - then Mum goes with him and his girlfriend abroad!! And he pays!!

And how would you enforce this?

@CurlyhairedAssassin I don’t know about that. My brother has our Mum every Xmas, and makes a huge big thing about how much SIL does for the Xmas meal (which Mum can’t eat anyway she’s quite ill).

I’ve invited her every year but my brother is golden boy so she always refuses me.

But they do virtually nothing for her at all the rest of the year. I do everything, everything that doesn’t make it like ‘showing off’. He might take her out once or twice in the year, and he passes around a photo which is our only communication as if to say ‘look at me what I do for mum’.

He makes me feel really guilty if I dont’ also go for Xmas, but I’ve started to want more Xmas’s just in my home, so I only do it every other year. And if that made my brother got all her inheritance I’d be emotionally really upset!

I'm really curious how your brother explained why he's going abroad when he had other obligations. It's not like he accidentally booked a holiday, oops..

There’s no right or wrong answer here IMO.

We host occasionally (we are this year) but all other siblings and family members refuse to host DM as she is very rude and offensive (to everyone: so you can’t invite other people around at the same time).

Every year that we haven’t hosted her she has told us it will “probably be her last Christmas” and we’ve ended up caving.

If I was elderly and my children were in tears at the thought of having me at Christmas (which happens every year) I would die of shame. I hope to be off on holiday or with friends or with my dog rather than guilt tripping people into hosting me so I can upset them all over again.

If it was my mum I'd have her to stay for Christmas. But my mum is lovely and yours may well be bloody awful OP. If I had a bloody awful mum she would not be welcome just because my useless siblings had abdicated responsibility.

I’ve heard ‘last Christmas’ so much on this thread I feel like I’ve already lost Whamaggedon 😂

My grandmother is in her late 90s and has had ‘last Christmases’ for the past 15 years or so. Wouldn’t place too much emphasis on this unless there is good reason to, i.e terminal illness

If your mum will be pleasant and appreciate your efforts, I would have her over. Surely less work than if your DB and GF came too? But if she's a PITA who will witter on about how wonderful your DB is, then let her go to the DIL.

For those saying you'll regret it if it turns out to be her last year, possibly. But there'll be loads of regrets and things to beat yourself up over, as you're not the Golden Child. So what's another thing?

You would think no one ever spent Christmas day on their own.

Totally agree with this! Went through the same angst about having my Mum as she was getting older, but when yours is gone, I promise that you would give anything to have her back even if just for one more day.

This poster is also correct in saying that this period comes to all of us in the end, so please treat your Mum as you would like your kids to treat you, otherwise you'll likely end up one of the many lonely old folk on Christmas day yourself!

Exactly. There's a load of manipulative twaddle on this thread.