Christmas Dilemma- WWYD?

[christmasstollen]

I am one of 4 children, all in our 60s. For the last 10 years my brother and I had arranged alternating hosting my widowed mother for Christmas (other 2 'children' stay on their own and have refused to host for the last 40 years). Except that my brother always makes an excuse and so we (DH, DCs and I) have hosted my mum every year.

After the last couple of Christmases with no thanks afterwards I put my foot down and told my brother we aren't having mum this Christmas its his turn. He agreed but has just phoned to say he's going abroad with his girlfriend so obviously can't host. I didn't want to be manipulated into having her so I said that was fine and mum would have to be on her own. Phoned mum who knew the new plans, said it was fine and she would have lunch with exDIL (Brother's ExWife) and just have a plate of vegetables (was very woe is me). Brother is the Golden Child so no blame on him wanting to go somewhere sunny, all the unsaid blame on me for not offering to host that instant.

I'm in a real quandary of what to do. On the one hand brother is getting what he wants and I'm the 'bad child' for letting mum be on her own, on the other hand he always gets away with it and the last few years I've not received any thanks for the immense amount of laundry/cooking/cleaning over 4 days.

Complicating things is that mum up until this year has been in exceptional health and is very spritely for a 90 year old. This year she's had some serious health scares and family are whispering 'what if it's her last Christmas?'

An option is to pay for her to stay in a local hotel and do pick ups/drop offs as well as pay for a taxi to bring her and take her back either side of Christmas but this would all cost £500ish which neither of us have. Any opinions welcome.

For voting:
YABU- Host your mum for what could be her last Christmas
YANBU- Don't host her as this is your brother's responsibility

@christmasstollen I'm sorry but FFS host your poor mother. I lost mine 9 years ago and would do anything to be arguing over something so petty. I assume you will be prepping,cooking and washing up dinner ect anyway so I'm not sure what the issue is.
Your poor mum sat there thinking it could be her last Christmas and non of her children want to spend the day with her....shame shame

I cannot believe you are actually asking this question..... when was the last time you hosted her... last Christmas?
When you were a child, did you thank your mother for everything she did for you? Being a mum can be a pretty thankless job at times, but you carry on because you love your kids.
Don't take your frustrations out on your mum because your brother is a pathetic excuse of a man....
I think you will feel guilty if you don't already, just host her, shes 90 years old ffs

@Ramalangadingdong I'm responding to this because I'm assuming you're posting in good faith and honestly didn't spot the things which were (for me) huge and obvious indicators that there was a big backstory.

For the last 10 years my brother and I had arranged alternating hosting my widowed mother for Christmas (other 2 'children' stay on their own and have refused to host for the last 40 years). Except that my brother always makes an excuse.
So this woman has 4 children, 2 of whom outright refuse to host and the third wriggles out of hosting. If one person seems to have multiple poor relationships then it does make you wonder if they are the root of the problem.

After the last couple of Christmases with no thanks afterwards I put my foot down
This is the "what's changed". Something about the mothers attitude has OP unhappy and setting a boundary (not a moment too soon imo).

I didn't want to be manipulated into having her...Phoned mum who knew the new plans, said it was fine and she would...just have a plate of vegetables (was very woe is me).
Sounds like there is a toxic backstory if the OP expects manipulation and she's right to expect it as she does get a passive aggressive response

Brother is the Golden Child...all the unsaid blame on me
Clear statement, the mother has created a toxic dynamic at the OPs expense

From that first post it was clear there's a toxic set up, and the OP is second guessing herself for enforcing a boundary. It's obviously not a healthy set up. Some of the early posters spotted it and asked for a backstory or caveated their response, whereas some later posters spotted it and checked for updates. But as a "in good faith" explanation this is why many realised straight off there is more to it, and it was pretty blatant without having to look for hidden clues

Just host her. I lost my darling Mum suddenly this year at the ‘young’ age of 70. I’d give anything to ‘have’ to host her for the next 20 years because my siblings won’t 💔

This! You are being very unreasonable, and bloody selfish, too. Sorry - I know I don't know what your relationship with your mum is like ..... but how the a. f. can you even be considering letting her spend Christmas on her own??!!! I'm disgusted, tbh. ☹️😥

READ THE THREAD
READ THE THREAD
READ THE FUCKING THREAD

Did your mum dismiss the sexual abuse of your siblings and try it on with your husband?

If not this is a completely different situation.

Infuriating isn't it.

It’s almost funny at this point.

I’ve been in your situation, family lived in same town as my dad but he traveled 45mins to ours for Christmas because nobody else would host him. He died early last year and I would have done anything to have him at ours for last Christmas. He was early 80’s so yes if I was you I would have her over and enjoy all the time you have left with her. Nobody should ever be alone at Christmas. Be the bigger person and live in the knowledge that when she’s gone you did all you could for her, that’s what gets me through it all, he was there for me when I was growing up and I was there for him when he grew old. Not everyone will agree but I couldn’t live with myself if I hadn’t been there for him when nobody else was

You're only responsible for your own behaviour.

Christmas is the hardest time. You are doing so much for so many, I know they all appreciate it they just somehow can’t say it. It would make them feel uncomfortable perhaps. Not socially skilled? Not everyone has charm unfortunately. But being 90 is very tough. It’s not a time to exclude your mother whatever your siblings do. Somehow you’ve picked up that bag. There’s not an easy answer. It’s amazingly flattering that so many people want to come to you. Don’t see it as them taking you for granted it’s much more complex.
I can’t comment in your mothers behaviour when she was told that her brother abused her children. Is he still alive? I have friends that won’t tell their mother because it would upset her. And I’ve no idea what you are saying about the vegetables and the chicken.. is she vegetarian? If ex SIL will keep her company at Christmas can’t you help that in any way? Why can’t they stay in a hotel near you (your brother won’t be there) and why do you have to pay all the expenses if your mother gives thousands to your brother?
I had my mum for Christmas for decades. until her last one in which she was in hospital, in her nineties, having fallen in her home. My brother always refused until finally she refused him. I was pretty crap most of the time but was flattered she wanted to come to me. Family pressure is massive far too massive at Christmas, It’s tough. Keep up the good work. You’re the good one.hope it works out ok. old age ain’t for cissies.

Jesus Christ I will happily have her to Christmas at mine. Why would you moan about doing your 90 year old mothers washing and cooking for 4 measly days. Take a long hard look at yourself. And your siblings are awful. Seriously how can you sleep at night?

@Yourcatisnotsorry you would invite someone in your home who let her DC be abused. Maybe OP should send her your way

@Jillybloop393
@Airspice

Just out of interest, why don't you read the OPs posts?

@TragicMuse she doesn’t have good family relations, 2 of the DC have nothing to do with the mum because of abuse

Hi Ponoka7,
To be totally honest with you, I stopped reading them because I found it so upsetting that the op was willing to leave her poor old mum alone on Christmas day, seemingly to spite her brother. It was just sooooo mean. My mum died four years ago - I'd give anything to have her back. However, I was aware that I hadn't read all the posts, and that there might well have been something historic that caused the bad feeling, hence me apologising, and saying that I didn't know the full story. I presume there was probably a good reason. I do hope so.

Why would you have to ask this question. If you truly thought anything of family you would know the answer. God help your mum and if I was her, I'd tell you to s_d off and wouldn't want to be spending my last year's in such a bad atmosphere!

If the OP didn’t drip feed we wouldn’t have to!!! I read a fair amount of it and nothing was mentioned by then, we don’t all have time to trawl through 23 pages! OP should have mentioned VERY relevant information from the start!!

The Mother chose to not believe two of her children had been sexually abused by a male friend of hers and forbid them to speak of it. She gives thousands to the brother who does sporadically speak to her, but won't pay towards the expense of getting/staying to the OP's. She's insulting, emotionally abusive to the OP and tried it on with her husband. She's lucky that she is given the time of day.

Not all of us have time to trawl through 25+ pages, I read a fair amount of the thread and OPs comments before I commented and she totally drip fed us and that VERY relevant information should have been upfront because, yes it completely changes things. And you know that.

You don’t have to read the whole thread just the OP’s posts, which you can just select

Absolutely not. I didn't read the rest because someone was complaining about having their mum over at Christmas. No matter how hard it is, you do it. Doesn't matter that her brother or sister or whoever hasn't bothered to do it in the past. It's about what we do ourselves that matters!! It's called compassion, life and being nice to other people. Old people can't always control how they act!!

At 90 it's not at all unlikely that it might be her last Christmas so I'd host- in a hotel if necessary and ask your brother to cover some of the cost of that? or even your other selfish siblings too?