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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas Dilemma- WWYD?

784 replies

christmasstollen · 31/10/2023 16:39

I am one of 4 children, all in our 60s. For the last 10 years my brother and I had arranged alternating hosting my widowed mother for Christmas (other 2 'children' stay on their own and have refused to host for the last 40 years). Except that my brother always makes an excuse and so we (DH, DCs and I) have hosted my mum every year.

After the last couple of Christmases with no thanks afterwards I put my foot down and told my brother we aren't having mum this Christmas its his turn. He agreed but has just phoned to say he's going abroad with his girlfriend so obviously can't host. I didn't want to be manipulated into having her so I said that was fine and mum would have to be on her own. Phoned mum who knew the new plans, said it was fine and she would have lunch with exDIL (Brother's ExWife) and just have a plate of vegetables (was very woe is me). Brother is the Golden Child so no blame on him wanting to go somewhere sunny, all the unsaid blame on me for not offering to host that instant.

I'm in a real quandary of what to do. On the one hand brother is getting what he wants and I'm the 'bad child' for letting mum be on her own, on the other hand he always gets away with it and the last few years I've not received any thanks for the immense amount of laundry/cooking/cleaning over 4 days.

Complicating things is that mum up until this year has been in exceptional health and is very spritely for a 90 year old. This year she's had some serious health scares and family are whispering 'what if it's her last Christmas?'

An option is to pay for her to stay in a local hotel and do pick ups/drop offs as well as pay for a taxi to bring her and take her back either side of Christmas but this would all cost £500ish which neither of us have. Any opinions welcome.

For voting:
YABU- Host your mum for what could be her last Christmas
YANBU- Don't host her as this is your brother's responsibility

OP posts:
chillie · 01/11/2023 21:41

Host your mum. However your siblings treat your mum has nothing to do with you. Your love and support for your mum is not dependent on what they do for her. One day she won't be here and how much you miss her will not be calculated by how much they did or didn't do for her, it is your direct relationship with her.

MarryingMrDarcy · 01/11/2023 21:45

I give up. They must be trolls right?

Anyway best of luck OP, I hope you find a resolution where you can enjoy your festive season and ignore the idiots: there’s a few very wise posters here who have given some excellent advice.

Mojodojocasahaus · 01/11/2023 21:45

easylikeasundaymorn · 01/11/2023 21:15

1 - if you read the first post there were enough hints in the OP that she didn't get on with her mother

2 - most people with half a brain cell might have inferred that relations weren't exactly rosy if none of a woman's 4 kids wanted to spend christmas with her! Is it more likely that that's because she's a horrible person or that a lovely old lady just happened to have not one, not two, not three, but all four of her children were cruel and heartless?

3 - the 'drip feed' still came ages before you posted so no excuse not to read the OPs posts, even if not the whole thread, before you posted with your inane suggestion that OP sit down with her mother and recall fond memories about the time she came on to OP's husband, or when she told her siblings to shut up about their sexual assault...

Show quote history

Whatevs.

Op should have put all the relevant details in her first post and you know it.

Full story = better suggestions

You sound very invested 🤷‍♀️

LibbyL92 · 01/11/2023 21:47

Host your mother.

you don’t know how long she’s got left.

others would only dream of having their parents on Christmas Day. It’s one day.

your brother isn’t coming so what’s so bad about just hosting your mum?

namechangnancy · 01/11/2023 21:48

I always wondered how many narcs there were in the world.

I'm gonna say it if this thread is triggering for you it's probably because you can see your own adult dc cutting you off due to your own bad behaviour

Frankly if you treat your kids with empathy and kindness then that won't happen to you.

People don't go low contact no contact for minor reasons. They maybe minor to you but I doubt they are to them. I would say reflect on your own actions but people who defend abusers rarely have that ability.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 01/11/2023 21:54

MarryingMrDarcy · 01/11/2023 21:45

I give up. They must be trolls right?

Anyway best of luck OP, I hope you find a resolution where you can enjoy your festive season and ignore the idiots: there’s a few very wise posters here who have given some excellent advice.

Incredibly dense trolls, or just attention seeking with the wide eyed
'Your pooooor motherrrr'

ToffeeMamma · 01/11/2023 21:54

YABU This is your mum, just because your brother has made other plans doesn't mean you should ditch her just because it's inconvenient to you.

You say you get no thanks but did you thank her every time she fed and clothed you as a child. Just because your siblings can't be bothered doesn't mean you should follow suit it makes you all as bad as each other. I'd be ashamed if I treat my parents the way you are treating your mum. She loved you unconditionally as a child, never expected thanks when she cooked and cleaned a d looked after you. You have no right expecting her to have undying gratitude because time has moved on and it's your turn to look after her.

Yeahno · 01/11/2023 21:57

Most people leaving the 'poor mum' comments have only read the first post. Fuck her, I mean it. Old people can be nasty and you have a nasty mother. Mother is not just the person that gave birth to you, for it to mean something they actually have to do some mothering. Your other siblings have the right idea. You are being used. Golden balls knows what he is doing and at your mothers age she hasn't given up the manipulation tactics. You have more than done enough. Leave them to it.

Ilovecleaning · 01/11/2023 21:58

I won’t be the only one saying this, and I can’t face reading through 600+ replies, but, OP, you really should have included the info about the abuse and your mother’s bad behaviour in your first post.

namechangnancy · 01/11/2023 21:59

ToffeeMamma · 01/11/2023 21:54

YABU This is your mum, just because your brother has made other plans doesn't mean you should ditch her just because it's inconvenient to you.

You say you get no thanks but did you thank her every time she fed and clothed you as a child. Just because your siblings can't be bothered doesn't mean you should follow suit it makes you all as bad as each other. I'd be ashamed if I treat my parents the way you are treating your mum. She loved you unconditionally as a child, never expected thanks when she cooked and cleaned a d looked after you. You have no right expecting her to have undying gratitude because time has moved on and it's your turn to look after her.

Ops mum also tried it on with her husband

And also told two of her children who had told her they were being abused by their uncle to shut the fuck up and never speak of it again. And was so caring to do nothing about the abuse.

Ahhh isn't that a lovely definition of motherly caring. Can't see why op doesn't want her over for Christmas she sounds like a fucking joy 🙄

Lilybugs · 01/11/2023 22:02

Yes, she really was & I do appreciate that not all mums are like mine😢

Optionyougot · 01/11/2023 22:05

Ilovecleaning · 01/11/2023 21:58

I won’t be the only one saying this, and I can’t face reading through 600+ replies, but, OP, you really should have included the info about the abuse and your mother’s bad behaviour in your first post.

It would have been such a different thread wouldn't it? The op does explain later on she was conflicted about sharing it since it happened to her siblings rather than her, she found out much later on - pretty much standard FOG that comes with growing up with a toxic parent.

The see all option is brilliant but I half wish there was a way to tag important updates (the cheques been cancelled, I ltb, the mother is vile) so posters had to read them first.

easylikeasundaymorn · 01/11/2023 22:09

Mojodojocasahaus · 01/11/2023 21:45

Whatevs.

Op should have put all the relevant details in her first post and you know it.

Full story = better suggestions

You sound very invested 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

The arrogance of thinking you can tell someone else what they know 😆
But yeah "whatevs"

SylvieB74 · 01/11/2023 22:13

You all sound absolutely horrible talking about and treating your mother like this. If I was her I’d wonder why I wasted my life having you all and bringing you up.

MsRosley · 01/11/2023 22:14

Your mum is awful, but your brother is worse. I think simply to salve my own conscience, I'd invite put up with her for Xmas - but frankly that man who happens to be your sibling could go to hell. I'd cut him out of my life completely. And I'd also be very frank with my mother about what I thought of him.

crumblingschools · 01/11/2023 22:16

@SylvieB74 read all of OP’s posts

Ramalangadingdong · 01/11/2023 22:17

MarryingMrDarcy · 01/11/2023 21:26

Ha! You are joking, right? ‘How is she to know’? She could, I dunno, click ‘See all’ at the bottom of OP’s original post to read everything OP has added subsequently to understand there is actually a backstory and a pretty awful one at that.

Why do you feel compelled to defend someone who wrote a really nasty original post? Didn’t exactly copy it down before she edited but it was something to the effect of, you and your siblings are all shits and I bet you’ll squabble over the inheritance when Mum does pass eventually. What a horrible thing to say about people whose own mother failed to believe them when they told her they were sexually abused and have (rightly) essentially cut ties. Shame on the person who posted that and shame on you for defending that absolute shite. You want cruel? THAT’S cruel.

Show quote history

I didn’t see the original post. My bad.

HarrietStyles · 01/11/2023 22:18

ToffeeMamma · 01/11/2023 21:54

YABU This is your mum, just because your brother has made other plans doesn't mean you should ditch her just because it's inconvenient to you.

You say you get no thanks but did you thank her every time she fed and clothed you as a child. Just because your siblings can't be bothered doesn't mean you should follow suit it makes you all as bad as each other. I'd be ashamed if I treat my parents the way you are treating your mum. She loved you unconditionally as a child, never expected thanks when she cooked and cleaned a d looked after you. You have no right expecting her to have undying gratitude because time has moved on and it's your turn to look after her.

Please go back and read all of OP posts…... Whilst OP is hosting her shitty Mum for Christmas maybe she should thank her Mum for hitting on her husband that time. And also she must remember to thank her Mum for ignoring her siblings when they said they were being abused by their Uncle 🙄 I understand that people can’t often read the whole post, but at least read everything the OP has said before commenting.

Mojodojocasahaus · 01/11/2023 22:19

easylikeasundaymorn · 01/11/2023 22:09

The arrogance of thinking you can tell someone else what they know 😆
But yeah "whatevs"

Show quote history

Yeah the threads going so well for op with her drip feed isn’t it.

Couldn’t have gone better 😂

Ramalangadingdong · 01/11/2023 22:20

Ilovecleaning · 01/11/2023 21:58

I won’t be the only one saying this, and I can’t face reading through 600+ replies, but, OP, you really should have included the info about the abuse and your mother’s bad behaviour in your first post.

And there is no way of knowing there is anything amiss as op has hosted mum for many years, which begs the question why is this year different? And why are the things she mentions in the later post suddenly so significant when they haven’t been before?

Mojodojocasahaus · 01/11/2023 22:21

@Ramalangadingdong This was my point also. Shit mother but she’s hosted her for years and allowed her to have a relationship with her kids. Some fucked up shit right here.

Halllooo · 01/11/2023 22:22

You’d see your elderly mother suffer to score points with your brother?

I hope my kids aren’t like this when I’m elderly.

Ramalangadingdong · 01/11/2023 22:23

I don’t understand why people are coming down hard on people who haven’t read all pp’s updates? Why would they possibly know there was more to the story? Someone even said there were clues that we should all have spotted in the op. Do people really spend their time analysing posts for hidden clues?

crumblingschools · 01/11/2023 22:24

When you get to page 25 of a thread you should at least check all of OP’s posts to see if there was any more info

SylvieB74 · 01/11/2023 22:29

crumblingschools · 01/11/2023 22:16

@SylvieB74 read all of OP’s posts

Mmm yeah I have now. My Mam was as bad as this if not worse, I’d still have had her over though but can quite understand why someone wouldn’t want to.