Christmas Dilemma- WWYD?

[christmasstollen]

I am one of 4 children, all in our 60s. For the last 10 years my brother and I had arranged alternating hosting my widowed mother for Christmas (other 2 'children' stay on their own and have refused to host for the last 40 years). Except that my brother always makes an excuse and so we (DH, DCs and I) have hosted my mum every year.

After the last couple of Christmases with no thanks afterwards I put my foot down and told my brother we aren't having mum this Christmas its his turn. He agreed but has just phoned to say he's going abroad with his girlfriend so obviously can't host. I didn't want to be manipulated into having her so I said that was fine and mum would have to be on her own. Phoned mum who knew the new plans, said it was fine and she would have lunch with exDIL (Brother's ExWife) and just have a plate of vegetables (was very woe is me). Brother is the Golden Child so no blame on him wanting to go somewhere sunny, all the unsaid blame on me for not offering to host that instant.

I'm in a real quandary of what to do. On the one hand brother is getting what he wants and I'm the 'bad child' for letting mum be on her own, on the other hand he always gets away with it and the last few years I've not received any thanks for the immense amount of laundry/cooking/cleaning over 4 days.

Complicating things is that mum up until this year has been in exceptional health and is very spritely for a 90 year old. This year she's had some serious health scares and family are whispering 'what if it's her last Christmas?'

An option is to pay for her to stay in a local hotel and do pick ups/drop offs as well as pay for a taxi to bring her and take her back either side of Christmas but this would all cost £500ish which neither of us have. Any opinions welcome.

For voting:
YABU- Host your mum for what could be her last Christmas
YANBU- Don't host her as this is your brother's responsibility

Your poor mum, feeling like such a burden, I’d hate it if I thought my family were seeing me out of obligation rather than from choice. Isn’t it about the chance to spend time together as a family, whether you’re DB is there or not? I usually end up doing Christmas, it’s just a fancy roast dinner, shame it’s become a battle between you and your DB.

Errr - did you miss the post where OP described how her Mum didn’t believe that two of her kids had been sexually abused? And how she came onto OP’s DH?

Flaming Nora. Do you know what truly is a burden? Reading these kinds of posts where you CLEARLY haven’t bothered to read beyond the first one despite there being 24 pages of discussion. Do you think there might be a reason there are lots and lots of posts and maybe the OP gave some context?

Bloody hell Op, that’s a drip feed and a half!

Why don’t I read the full thread? Why doesn’t op
give us the full story in their first post.

So confusing, are you treating her as your mum or not. I’d have disowned her if she’d treated my siblings like that but you seem to be encouraging a relationship with your children?!

I wouldn’t have my mother over my doorstep whatever the circumstances but if you have a reasonable relationship with her then I suggest having her with you but if she is a nightmare and makes your life miserable then you are not a bad person for saying no.

I've answered the original question quite honestly. It wasn't made apparent in the post only when elaborated on.
I was simply stating I'm jealous of the time spent with having family members as I have none.

Could you and your children pitch in for a holiday cottage somewhere nice for Christmas week? Have that as your present and also it removes you from the Christmas situation with your Mum.

I can't imagine having my mother spend christmas alone because I was mad at my brother.

Yes. OP' mum is a total and utter CUNT. She told her own children too shut up about familial cse then made a pass at OP's husband!

“ I didn't want to be manipulated into having her “ is such a sad sentence about your mum …she’s elderly none of her 4 kids don’t want her for Christmas 😢. How much extra mess does she make for goodness sake. Don’t have her if it’s all too much trouble or if there’s a back story, but why come on here asking for justification for what on the surface feels like a really mean decision ?

I know this feeling well.

I'm 37 and my teen years with Mum&step-dad were horrific.

You want to be the bigger person, but the emotional effort takes its toll. You want them there, but at the same time you want to scream/shout/tare them down for the mental abuse, for the continued insults, for making themselves a victim, for making you feel guilty.

Right now your brother doesn't care, and I cannot fault your other siblings.

I would want to address those situations with your Mother, after Christmas. If she is deteriorating I would want to give her the opportunity to sort or redeem herself by having that conversation. If she chooses not to, then you know you have done your best. Unless this has already been done then there is nothing more you can do. She could be in denial and repressing what happened.

Either way - I would host her. I would invite your SIL to p*ss off your brother. You never know - SIL might help you cook/give you a hand.

I would rope your children into helping as well. They might be adults but you're still their Mother. I have 3 children and I would certainly hand out a list of tasks to them. You also need to take care of yourself and you cannot refill from an empty jug.

So, host your Mum - When she passes away you will no longer have to do it. By hosting her you won't be plagued with guilt, or question whether you should have hosted her that one Christmas. Once the funeral is over and done with I would lay into your brother and cut him off. Walk away. He seems self centred and spiteful. You will have your time and karma will prevail - Those who fall from grace need no help.

Enjoy your Christmas, put grudges aside, host Mum&DIL, be the bigger person, know you have done your best, it is what it is, and bide your time.

Are people really this dense ? You actually cannot be serious

Ops mother is a abuser and excused sexual abuse of her own children and told them to shut the fuck up.

Her not being invited for Christmas is a v small percentage of hurt than she willingly inflicted on her children

YANBU. She’s got a solution. Don’t fall for the guilt tripping. That is how your brother and your mother have controlled you for all these years. It’s your brother who has let her and you down.

She needs to have a think about why none of her children want to host her and you need to stop thinking it’s your problem. Her being 90 doesn’t mean you should put up with her being a Bitch. You should have put a stop to this before now. She could live for another 10 years. I swear narcissists always live longer, just to spite you. Do you want to not break the cycle this year because ‘it may be her last’. Don’t do it!

Absolutely this.

Its always shocking to me how women always pile on to say that another woman must suffer so their mother is happy. Never sons.

Adults daughters must always cater to their parents (or children) and never do what they want. Granny ruins Christmas every year? Put up with it.

But men? Always excused. They are allowed nice things. It’s we women who are not

Unless there is a huge backstory (abuse/neglect etc) then I would host my 90 year old mother. However, I'm close to my mum and couldn't imagine having a Christmas without her. Especially knowing her time would be limited at that age. However, it depends on a lot of different factors...only you can make the choice. Sometimes the things you really don't want to do, turn out to be lovely, enjoyable memories. The worst thing you can have is regrets. I'd really, really try and have her there if you can.

This happens in families
it happened in mine
and i usually made sure she came to me even though I felt annoyed at other people
and now she’s dead and I would give anything to have her this year . Take a breath and do what you know is right .

Lord l jumped on too soon without reading all the OP’s stuff ( probably because my mum died this year and l brought my own stuff in 😢 ) l retract my previous post ! Sorry…

Unless there is a huge backstory (abuse/neglect etc)

There is.

1 - if you read the first post there were enough hints in the OP that she didn't get on with her mother

2 - most people with half a brain cell might have inferred that relations weren't exactly rosy if none of a woman's 4 kids wanted to spend christmas with her! Is it more likely that that's because she's a horrible person or that a lovely old lady just happened to have not one, not two, not three, but all four of her children were cruel and heartless?

3 - the 'drip feed' still came ages before you posted so no excuse not to read the OPs posts, even if not the whole thread, before you posted with your inane suggestion that OP sit down with her mother and recall fond memories about the time she came on to OP's husband, or when she told her siblings to shut up about their sexual assault...

How can you blame her for commenting on what appears to be a cruel situation? How is she to know that there is more to the story? None of us did. she doesn’t deserve anything because she has done nothing wrong, but commented on a post in good faith.

Ha! You are joking, right? ‘How is she to know’? She could, I dunno, click ‘See all’ at the bottom of OP’s original post to read everything OP has added subsequently to understand there is actually a backstory and a pretty awful one at that.

Why do you feel compelled to defend someone who wrote a really nasty original post? Didn’t exactly copy it down before she edited but it was something to the effect of, you and your siblings are all shits and I bet you’ll squabble over the inheritance when Mum does pass eventually. What a horrible thing to say about people whose own mother failed to believe them when they told her they were sexually abused and have (rightly) essentially cut ties. Shame on the person who posted that and shame on you for defending that absolute shite. You want cruel? THAT’S cruel.

Wow, this is horrible. That's your mum!

Yes. This is why this thread is riddled with guilt tripping - women have to always pick up the pieces and pull everything together no matter how their mother/family have treated them. Awful stuff.

None of us did

Well, yes we did, because we clicked See All and read all of the OP's posts.

Wow, sounds terrible to me. I hope my children are never like this....so sad to have 4 kids and no one to spend xmas with. To me, family is always welcome. Does not mean they always come though, as parents all live abroad. But if they wanted to they are always welcome...