Christmas Dilemma- WWYD?

[christmasstollen]

I am one of 4 children, all in our 60s. For the last 10 years my brother and I had arranged alternating hosting my widowed mother for Christmas (other 2 'children' stay on their own and have refused to host for the last 40 years). Except that my brother always makes an excuse and so we (DH, DCs and I) have hosted my mum every year.

After the last couple of Christmases with no thanks afterwards I put my foot down and told my brother we aren't having mum this Christmas its his turn. He agreed but has just phoned to say he's going abroad with his girlfriend so obviously can't host. I didn't want to be manipulated into having her so I said that was fine and mum would have to be on her own. Phoned mum who knew the new plans, said it was fine and she would have lunch with exDIL (Brother's ExWife) and just have a plate of vegetables (was very woe is me). Brother is the Golden Child so no blame on him wanting to go somewhere sunny, all the unsaid blame on me for not offering to host that instant.

I'm in a real quandary of what to do. On the one hand brother is getting what he wants and I'm the 'bad child' for letting mum be on her own, on the other hand he always gets away with it and the last few years I've not received any thanks for the immense amount of laundry/cooking/cleaning over 4 days.

Complicating things is that mum up until this year has been in exceptional health and is very spritely for a 90 year old. This year she's had some serious health scares and family are whispering 'what if it's her last Christmas?'

An option is to pay for her to stay in a local hotel and do pick ups/drop offs as well as pay for a taxi to bring her and take her back either side of Christmas but this would all cost £500ish which neither of us have. Any opinions welcome.

For voting:
YABU- Host your mum for what could be her last Christmas
YANBU- Don't host her as this is your brother's responsibility

@madamovaries @Lilimic79 @iwishiwasonacruise could I ask you to clarify if you have read all the OPs posts and are aware of the history of child sexual abuse/general poor treatment of OP? Many posters have since done so and felt differently about the situation as a result, with the dripfeed creating more context about the kind of relationship this family has.

I've seen all the, "I'd give anything comments…"

For anyone who feels differently, if your Christmas and other celebrations were a hell to be endured, I hear you.

I associate Christmas with the stink of alcohol in the air and oozing out of people's pores, the taste of tears, and the literal pain of our interactions.

My parents both died young. These events are so much better when you don't feel like you're walking on eggshells in a confined space filled with gunpowder-packed barrels that will detonate the moment the eggshell flooring shifts beneath them.

So sorry to hear this was your experience but also glad to read that you have created a better life for yourself. That’s a huge achievement.

After your initial post thought you should go ahead and host. Further to your updates about her behaviour and most shockingly that she didn’t support her children when they said they were abused I feel completely differently. YANBU. Let her go to her ex-DIL and enjoy your Christmas with your family. I would be LC or NC with her anyway if she’d done that to my siblings.

I actually read your updates Op
Your mother is a truly vile woman.
Don't host her.

My husband said he had never had the Christmas he really wanted. He was 65 when he died never having done so.

Oh dear.

What an unpleasant comment. Can’t wait for you to read the updates - you’re going to feel terrible, and you deserve it!

That was a hasty edit…

Sorry OP I read your posts and a few of the earlier posts only. My advice! Invite ex-SIL - she sounds amazing and I bet a good laugh.

Also: don't be guilt-tripped. I am late 50's, with a slightly younger (not so D)B. Yes - apparently he is "busy" and can possibly spare a few hours on Xmas Day. He will bring down - whether it is welcome or not, whatever he can pick up being sold off at Waitrose the day before. No thanks - been there before. He is single, no kids, lives in a very small flat, no work, no friends, no lifestyle, no pets, no garden etc. I on the other hand have all of these and would like to do some of these soon especially house maintenance.

So I am going to be telling my 88 year-old mum soon that I am not available on Xmas Day. When my son comes back after Xmas with his dad we will do Xmas. Which means me cooking a big meal at my mum's home.

Probably this is our family dynamic - it's not great. No SA, but wounds that have never healed. I've moved on. No-one else has. So OP please do what suits you best. As we age we also dont have much time left to enjoy ourselves. Make the most of it. I am probably going to suggest to my mum that she perhaps try to spend time with her friends over Xmas.

Your mother is reaping what she's sown. You've done more than your share OP and shouldn't feel guilty for not hosting her this year.

I often wonder who are the women who penpal serial killers and rapists/abusers in prison, feel sorry for them and want to marry them...
So many posters on this thread are proof of their existence with all the sobbing, wailing and gnashing of teeth for the poor narcissistic, child sexual abuse supporting mother!

I voted YABU without reading the whole thread. She sounds awful, OP. Imagine disbelieving your children over sexual abuse. Your poor sister! If I were you I wouldn’t be hosting.

On a separate point, I don’t know why you wouldn’t host your lovely exSIL. Who cares what your self centred asshole of a brother thinks.

My grandad was the same.
His last christmas was particularly awful because of my nans behaviour(vile abusive woman).
He said he would never have another xmas day like it again and how the following year he would do things the way he had always wanted to and not how SHE wanted.
He passed away the following July.
Tldr:- Life's to short for all this.

Why didn’t you say you were going away first? You knew he was going to do it.

I would definitely have your mother over, apologies aid I missed an update and she is awful.

Your siblings were incredibly brave to bring up their previous sexual abuse ..... and yet your DM told them to be quiet ... effectively telling them that she didn't believe them and dismissing them. How awful. OP - is this how you would behave if one of your DC had that experience?? Honestly?

Then you say your DM would make a play for your DH and put you down in front of him????!!!!!

And your DB doesn't even want to host her either!

She really doesn't sound like a nice woman at all. Why are you even bothering to host her? Sounds like you may be doing that out of a mix of fear, obligation and guilt.

Instead of hosting your Mum, I would actually take time to meet with your siblings and acknowledge the horror that they have gone through. It may have happened years ago, and I doubt they would have forgotten it, or put it behind them and your Mum's attitude to them is awful. They will be deeply upset by this too. I'm not surprised they barely see her.

She may be your Mum and she may not have long left, but it does not give her the right to behave this way nor be excused for it.

This is really difficult. I don’t think you should host either. Just because someone is elderly, it doesn’t mean they are not responsible, or shouldn’t be held to account for their previous actions. You and your family deserve to relax and spend a happy time together.
If you wanted to, and there’s no reason you need to - you could visit for a couple of days before Christmas and ‘host’ a Christmas meal for your mother in her own home. It’s more than enough.
You also no longer have a spare room going, you made other arrangements based on the fact your DB was hosting.
I think the key thing here is that whatever happens you’re able to relax and enjoy your Christmas.

Can you get your brother to pay for your Mum’s travel and accommodation as you have taken on all the costs over last few years

Sorry I truly did miss a massive update! Disregard my entire post and have a happy Christmas. She made her choices and you make yours. Good luck.

YES...all of them and I stand by every word I have written...the OP's and her brother's attitudes are questionable on many levels even allowing for the circumstances past and present....they need to put themselves in their Mum's place and just imagine for one moment how she might feel...or on the other hand, if they don't give a flying fuck about her (which I did wonder about) then just ignore her completely instead of coming on here looking for validation?! 🙄

I was emotionally blackmailed for years by my mother. I had to host every Christmas, Easter, take them with us on our summer holiday every year & many other things. If ever I suggested that my husband & I may choose to do something different, the fake tears & ‘last chance’ conversations came.
Unfortunately I listened & to my family’s detriment, included my mother.
Fast forward a few years and my husband died suddenly & just before Christmas. My mother’s only concern was that I would still be hosting, even mentioning it in the way back from the funeral.
So what I’m saying is do what’s best for you and your family. Your mother has other children. Your brother has made his choice, you are ‘allowed’ to do the same.

I’m m unsure what you e decided to do but honestly - really feel that you should leave her on her own… it’s probably an unpopular opinion but why should you do it. Your DB has chosen to leave the country this year and this could be why your exSIL is lucky to not be with him any longer as he seems a selfish twat. If she does have to come, make sure SHE pays for the hotel and taxis and tell your DB that she’s spending his inheritance- bet she doesn’t get you a nice present!
I have a similar relationship with my MIL who never raises a finger whilst here… COVID was a blessing to us as I could just have my DH & DC around which was lovely!
good luck with whatever you decide to do .. but please don’t feel guilty - it’s not your fault! Just keep ignoring those calls…

Does it need to be drawn out over 4 days?

I’ve always found pleasing everyone at Christmas annoying and just wanted to do what I want to do but never can. Then after nearly losing my own Mum and spending last Christmas visiting her in hospital, it’s changed how I feel and this year we’re trying to make more of an effort with both sides of the family (work gets in the way, always) because you just don’t know when it’ll be the last time.

Your siblings haven't stepped up and may well regret this. You have and should be happy you've been the kind one and yes do this year too. May seem a bit harder work but wasn't it for our parents when we were younger? Looking after 4 kids isn't easy and I feel sad the other members of your family haven't been as generous in their return of love and gratitude. No way could I bear my also widowed Mum spending Christmas on her own, unthinkable. Xx

Really this isn’t about your siblings. It’s about your mum and you and your relationship with your mum. If you’re honestly happy for your mum to spend Christmas on her own. Then don’t have her over. If you would like your mum to have company. Then have your mum round for Christmas.

people get really focused on rights and wrongs in situations but as my mum would have said

two wrongs don’t make a right

you can only do what you think is right for you and your family.

In my experience there is always one person in the family that does the lions share of most things. It goes unnoticed and I acknowledged because people become accustomed to it. In my family. This is me. It is sometimes frustrating that people don’t notice things and take it for granted. But that is just the way life is and you can’t change other people and their attitudes. You can only control you and what you choose to do.