Christmas Dilemma- WWYD?

[christmasstollen]

I am one of 4 children, all in our 60s. For the last 10 years my brother and I had arranged alternating hosting my widowed mother for Christmas (other 2 'children' stay on their own and have refused to host for the last 40 years). Except that my brother always makes an excuse and so we (DH, DCs and I) have hosted my mum every year.

After the last couple of Christmases with no thanks afterwards I put my foot down and told my brother we aren't having mum this Christmas its his turn. He agreed but has just phoned to say he's going abroad with his girlfriend so obviously can't host. I didn't want to be manipulated into having her so I said that was fine and mum would have to be on her own. Phoned mum who knew the new plans, said it was fine and she would have lunch with exDIL (Brother's ExWife) and just have a plate of vegetables (was very woe is me). Brother is the Golden Child so no blame on him wanting to go somewhere sunny, all the unsaid blame on me for not offering to host that instant.

I'm in a real quandary of what to do. On the one hand brother is getting what he wants and I'm the 'bad child' for letting mum be on her own, on the other hand he always gets away with it and the last few years I've not received any thanks for the immense amount of laundry/cooking/cleaning over 4 days.

Complicating things is that mum up until this year has been in exceptional health and is very spritely for a 90 year old. This year she's had some serious health scares and family are whispering 'what if it's her last Christmas?'

An option is to pay for her to stay in a local hotel and do pick ups/drop offs as well as pay for a taxi to bring her and take her back either side of Christmas but this would all cost £500ish which neither of us have. Any opinions welcome.

For voting:
YABU- Host your mum for what could be her last Christmas
YANBU- Don't host her as this is your brother's responsibility

Yes, its a drip feed but hugely relevant. The mother was told her eldest two were being sexually abused by their uncle and hushed it up, she then made sexual advances towards the OPs husband and there is general low lying poor behaviour.
The brother who still stays in touch is the golden child whilst the OP the scapegoat child.

Haven't read whole thread but just wanted to say I'm the youngest of 5 by a decade. I'm now 51. Dad died when I was 27. Mam was as spritely as a 30 year old until covid hit. She was also diagnosed with thyroid cancer march 2020. Christmas 2020 was her last and we knew it. She sat there so frail with a touch of dementia singing along to Singin in the rain and she was gone by May 2021. I'd give anything to have her here again...

Some posters need to read all posts from OP

Yes I'm judging here.
My mum was a pain in the a££
She died at 52, 33 years ago when I was pregnant, I was 27.
I'm jealous of all those years you've had with yours. Just do it please. You'll regret it if you don't. Her being a pin in the a££ is part of the memories.

Just read the comment before mine. Obviously whole different slant to my input

God I wish you could report stupidity on these forums.

I really think if you read all the updates your version of "pain in the arse" will seem very different to the woman OP describes

You wouldn't be asking this if you weren't hurt that your mother doesn't appreciate you and won't ever find fault with him. That sucks. But the reality is you're contemplating sticking with the original plan and thus leaving her to it, because they're both being pretty ungracious. Families. Who'd have them! The roots of this prob go deep. And it sounds as though you've had a raw deal over the years.

That said if you refuse to have her, it's likely that you will regret it one way or another so in your shoes I'd invite her with as light a heart and attitude as I could muster. And maybe even think about asking the other 2 single ones. Maybe it will be her last. But even if not, if you can keep it fairly light, you may get some healing in the family. Good luck.

I don't think you'll enjoy Christmas properly if you don't host her because part of you will feel bad about not having her, and if it's her last you'll feel guilty (even though you shouldn't have to)

Realistically she is 90 now and even if she is around next Christmas, she may not be able to make the journey to you or could be in residential care. I'd just host her if I were you. It's true that your brother won't be sitting around feeling bad about it but you are not him and I get the feeling you don't want that on your conscience.

Wow. I wouldn’t be seeing this woman ever, let alone Christmas. Your poor siblings.

I'm not referring to anyone else's experience but my own.

Then why are you judging?

Obviously it's a real thread...have you even read it all? or even just the OP's posts?

Who wouldn't want to be with their mum on Christmas? Maybe someone whose mother bullied them throughout their life, who came on to their partner, who told them to shut up about their sexual assault by another family member?

The lack of empathy from some people on MN (who ironically seem to think they are the kind, caring ones) is astonishing. How hard is it to realise that not everybody has perfect families and good relationships with them?

You've assumed you don't live near the mother without knowing where she lives....Perhaps you do and you can extend your kind offer to have her over!

I also wish you could upvote or like comments 👏

I use the Thanks option as a like.

Aww, op, I think you should host your mum! Your siblings sound so selfish.
I haven’t read the full thread so I’m sorry if this has been mentioned already but could you host at yours and invite other sibling/s to help prep, cook, clean up.
If not I would host but be seriously annoyed, but I guess at the end of the day it is they who will have to live with regret, at least you will know you did all you could to make sure your mum wasn’t alone!

My mum died very suddenly this year, not trying to be preachy, it is what it is, but I'd give anything to have her here this Christmas, especially for my kids. I truly get your dilemma with your selfish siblings, but please host your mum, I would hate for you to regret it. Just my opinion x

Hugs. Sounds a horrid situation and very complicated. Do what you want. Not anyone else. But if that involves your Mum definitely consider inviting exSIL if it would make your day easier and more fun. The whole family set up feels quite challenging and you need to do what is right for you. Your DB is a grown man. What is the worst he can do if your exSIL is with you? You should be able to choose your own friends at your age.

I lost my dad just a over a week before christmas. As much as a pain in the a$$ he could be, this year has made me realise he was our pain in the a$$ and how much we miss him.
I wish we could have more christmases with him.
Don't waste opportunities. Your parents aren't here forever and you don't want to regret wasted opportunities.

Sorry OP but really think you should host her. Your siblings will regret being awful when she’s gone and there are so many people out there who’d long for another Christmas with their parents.

i know your siblings have been desperately unfair but you are, frankly, a better person than them

Why are people not reading ALL comments that @christmasstollen has made?

@christmasstollen many posters do not understand the dynamics of having an abusive parent nor do they understand FOG (fear, obligation and guilt).

@christmasstollen l myself have fractious relationship with my mother (it is better now than it has been) and anytime we get together I do need to emotionally prepare myself (it takes a vast amount of energy). So l understand why you state that it is a lot of work!

If you do decide to invite her I would

1. also invite your SIL
2. reduce the days of her stay (2 max)
3. buy easier to prepare food

Of course I'm judging you! You've responded that you are judging the OP and jealous of all the years she has had with a mother who:
a) allowed and covered up the sexual abuse of her own children by a family member
b) made sexual advances to the ops husband
c) treated the ops poorly over the years.

Questioning your response isn't trolling, frankly it feels like a public duty. If you haven't read updates before posting thats one thing, reading this thread and then responding without taking the above into account is quite another.

I used to take my granny out for lunch every week and it felt like an absolute chore.

She’s been dead now 12 years and I can’t tell you what I’d give to take her for lunch again, or hear her voice or hold her hand.

Have your mum for lunch, dial back all the things that make it onerous, buy in the lunch, get a cleaner in.

Sit and have a glass of wine with your mum, listen to her stories and ask her about her life. Better still get the old photos out.

One day this battle with your bro won’t matter anymore.

(If you do yet the photos get her to write on the back who people are. We’ve got some brilliant black and white photos and no idea who the people are!)

Ohh, it's my turn now...

Read the chuffing thread (or at least the Op's updates!)