Page 21 | Christmas Dilemma- WWYD?

christmasstollen · 2023-10-31T16:39:53+00:00

I am one of 4 children, all in our 60s. For the last 10 years my brother and I had arranged alternating hosting my widowed mother for Christmas (other 2 'children' stay on their own and have refused to host for the last 40 years). Except that my brother always makes an excuse and so we (DH, DCs and I) have hosted my mum every year. After the last couple of Christmases with no thanks afterwards I put my foot down and told my brother we aren't having mum this Christmas its his turn. He agreed but has just phoned to say he's going abroad with his girlfriend so obviously can't host. I didn't want to be manipulated into having her so I said that was fine and mum would have to be on her own. Phoned mum who knew the new plans, said it was fine and she would have lunch with exDIL (Brother's ExWife) and just have a plate of vegetables (was very woe is me). Brother is the Golden Child so no blame on him wanting to go somewhere sunny, all the unsaid blame on me for not offering to host that instant. I'm in a real quandary of what to do. On the one hand brother is getting what he wants and I'm the 'bad child' for letting mum be on her own, on the other hand he always gets away with it and the last few years I've not received any thanks for the immense amount of laundry/cooking/cleaning over 4 days. Complicating things is that mum up until this year has been in exceptional health and is very spritely for a 90 year old. This year she's had some serious health scares and family are whispering 'what if it's her last Christmas?' An option is to pay for her to stay in a local hotel and do pick ups/drop offs as well as pay for a taxi to bring her and take her back either side of Christmas but this would all cost £500ish which neither of us have. Any opinions welcome. For voting: YABU- Host your mum for what could be her last Christmas YANBU- Don't host her as this is your brother's responsibility

HarrietStyles · 01/11/2023 18:55

OMG, I can’t believe the amount of people commenting without even reading all the OP’s posts 🙈 My Mum is a narcissistic bitch, she was horrible and cruel to me growing up and has done nothing for me since the day I moved out when I was 18. My three siblings are barely in contact with her, I keep her at arms length but see her a few times a year. She absolutely would not be invited into my home on Christmas Day and so I can see exactly what your 3 siblings are doing - maybe you should take a leaf out of their book instead of martyring yourself every year. Screw her, put yourself first finally and have the Christmas you would like. Go see her for a few days afterwards if you would feel guilty not seeing her at all.

Cariadm · 01/11/2023 18:57

Mischance · 31/10/2023 16:46

Host your Mum - let your inconsiderate siblings do as they may - you do the right thing.

I am that woman - nothing like 90 though! - widowed relatively young and living alone. If I felt that my AC were squabbling over who should have to put up with me at Christmas I would be heartbroken.

Let me tell you that losing your role in the family and losing your husband is agony - true agony. I live my own life, full of activities so my AC do not feel responsible for me in anyway - but boy is it lonely!

This will be you one day - it really will.

Take her in for Christmas with a good grace. If I thought there was a heaven I would tell you your reward will be there! But you would be doing a good thing.

My opinion exactly and I can't get my head around this 'hosting' business either?! It sounds like they're contemplating taking in a complete stranger for Christmas instead of her 90 year old Mum !!! 😳
I'm 75 so maybe it's an age thing but honestly how can it even be considered OK to put Mum in a hotel by herself when she has 'health issues' and that there is obviously room for her at the house as she has stayed there many times before?! 😥
Personally, if I knew it was my children behaving in this way I would tell them politely to go (forgive me for the language) fuck themselves and if the OP doesn't understand how her Mum would feel if she did know about this bickering over who would or should 'host' her then I don't know what to say about her as a person? 🙄

HarrietStyles · 01/11/2023 18:58

And to all the people saying “my Mum died when I was young, I’d do anything to have my mum for another Christmas”. I’m terribly sorry for your loss - you obviously had a lovely Mum to feel that way. Not all of us were that lucky (including the person who started this post). My mum is an awful woman and has always been an awful person, made my childhood a misery. I would swap places with you in a heartbeat! To have had a lovely caring mum if even for a few years must have been lovely.

Ramalangadingdong · 01/11/2023 18:58

Some MN threads make me so sad. Xmas is only one day. Why is it so difficult to host a 90 year old?

DM me. She can come to me. Having lost
our mum/grandmother some years ago we would be happy to host her. Perhaps she’s troublesome? We won’t mind. She’s welcome at ours.

Dinglewoop · 01/11/2023 18:59

Dinglewoop · 01/11/2023 18:51

Could you host her but ask for a small contribution from other three siblings? Seems unfair that you host every year but she is your mum, I'd be gutted if none of my kids would have me.

Sorry I've just read whole thread and see that's not an option. Overall I'd have your mum over but also invite your ex-SIL, she sounds lovely.

evryevrytime · 01/11/2023 18:59

Ramalangadingdong · 01/11/2023 18:58

Some MN threads make me so sad. Xmas is only one day. Why is it so difficult to host a 90 year old?

DM me. She can come to me. Having lost
our mum/grandmother some years ago we would be happy to host her. Perhaps she’s troublesome? We won’t mind. She’s welcome at ours.

Oh my god, read the full thread before you start showing off to everyone about how virtuous you are.

HarrietStyles · 01/11/2023 19:00

Ramalangadingdong · 01/11/2023 18:58

Some MN threads make me so sad. Xmas is only one day. Why is it so difficult to host a 90 year old?

DM me. She can come to me. Having lost
our mum/grandmother some years ago we would be happy to host her. Perhaps she’s troublesome? We won’t mind. She’s welcome at ours.

You are offering to host a woman for Christmas who turned a blind eye to her children being abused and hits on her son-in-law? 😳

Goldbar · 01/11/2023 19:02

christmasstollen · 01/11/2023 17:02

First of all I want to apologise for what a lot of posters have called a massive dripfeed. I didn't include the reasons for 2 of my siblings absence as it didn't happen to me so I didn't think it was relevant to why I was unsure about hosting. On that note I only learned about the abuse from them in their 20s and not all the details until we were in our 50s. I have a much better relationship with my older brother, my sister (understandably) hasn't had an easy life and really only speaks to our mother and that is about once every 2 years.

It falls mainly to me and infrequently DB to look after mum. As we're further away my absolutely lovely ExSIL has also taken some of that burden with getting her to the shops/pharmacy etc. The whole family love ExSIL as she's incredibly kind, no surprise that DB initiated the divorce and was happy to tell people it was because they weren't having enough sex.

I would absolutely have both mum and ExSIL over but DB would not be happy about his exwife coming.

I would have your mum and ex-SIL over if that's what you and they want and I would tell your brother to fuck off if he objects. None of his business.

Hotfeetcoldfeet · 01/11/2023 19:02

Definitely have your mum over. Just coz your three siblings are selfish dickheads doesn’t mean you need to lower your standards and sack your mum off. A good rule for life is just do the right thing, regardless of what everyone else is doing.

Ramalangadingdong · 01/11/2023 19:03

I purposely didn’t read the whole thread and responded to your first post - as you asked us to do. No mention there about her being nasty to you as a kid etc. I get annoyed when people do that because you get us to respond then hit us with a gotcha. There was no need for you to ask what to do as you already know. Good luck.

Iaintsadwhenugotobed · 01/11/2023 19:04

YANBU ish. I would say host her in the hotel things that would cost £500 and tell your brother to pay for it. Surely he will have to do that as he can’t have her on his turn then he can foot the bill. Tbh if it was my mum (very close) and it could be the last Christmases, I would just do it x x

Goldbar · 01/11/2023 19:05

blondieminx · 01/11/2023 18:53

Your brother is very unreasonable.

but given your mum is 90 I would make the most of it whilst you still can.

It sounds like there's very little to make the most of. An unpleasant duty, if anything.

Twillow · 01/11/2023 19:08

Cariadm · 01/11/2023 18:57

My opinion exactly and I can't get my head around this 'hosting' business either?! It sounds like they're contemplating taking in a complete stranger for Christmas instead of her 90 year old Mum !!! 😳
I'm 75 so maybe it's an age thing but honestly how can it even be considered OK to put Mum in a hotel by herself when she has 'health issues' and that there is obviously room for her at the house as she has stayed there many times before?! 😥
Personally, if I knew it was my children behaving in this way I would tell them politely to go (forgive me for the language) fuck themselves and if the OP doesn't understand how her Mum would feel if she did know about this bickering over who would or should 'host' her then I don't know what to say about her as a person? 🙄

Show quote history

Have either of you read all the OP's posts?

Onestepbeyonnd · 01/11/2023 19:10

I cooked every Christmas for my family and my parents and my siblings and there family’s and I know what hard work it is, lost my dad in 2018, then my mum this year. Although it was hard work I’m so glad I did.
Had I been bitching about it and left my mother alone at Christmas last year, I can tell you now I would live with that regret forever and be forever haunted by my selfishness.

you don’t know how many Christmases you have left with your mum, enjoy these times while you can, coz soon it’s just memories that you have left.

let your brother live with that guilt, while you be guilt free and host your mum.

MarryingMrDarcy · 01/11/2023 19:10

Cariadm · 01/11/2023 18:57

My opinion exactly and I can't get my head around this 'hosting' business either?! It sounds like they're contemplating taking in a complete stranger for Christmas instead of her 90 year old Mum !!! 😳
I'm 75 so maybe it's an age thing but honestly how can it even be considered OK to put Mum in a hotel by herself when she has 'health issues' and that there is obviously room for her at the house as she has stayed there many times before?! 😥
Personally, if I knew it was my children behaving in this way I would tell them politely to go (forgive me for the language) fuck themselves and if the OP doesn't understand how her Mum would feel if she did know about this bickering over who would or should 'host' her then I don't know what to say about her as a person? 🙄

Show quote history

Read. The. Updates!!!!!!!!!!!! JFC

BowlOfNoodles · 01/11/2023 19:10

I feel sorry for mom 90 years on this earth and people arguing over who's gotta have you!

AuntBea · 01/11/2023 19:11

Unfortunately, I think you will have to host her, as your brother is now going away (🙄😤) and the alternative is she is alone for Christmas. Really annoying for you, but your brother has dumped you in it.

We have a similar situation. Sil & bil like to have their Christmas Day alone with the children... which means we get fil EVERY YEAR 😩
I hope they offer this year, but unlikely.

fruitbrewhaha · 01/11/2023 19:14

Jesus, four kids and no one wants you for Christmas. I hope my kids don’t fall out over who has to have me over.

BowlOfNoodles · 01/11/2023 19:14

Sorry read the updates you owe nobody sweet F all

TotalOverhaul · 01/11/2023 19:15

I'd host her because your own moral behaviour isn't dependent on your brother's shitty behaviour. I understand it's a real pain but it is also the kind thing to do. Make it easy on yourself. Buy everything ready prepped. Park her in front of all the old B&W Christmas movies and classics that she might enjoy. Remember you've run out of some essential herb if she drives you nuts, and go for a coffee and a stroll somewhere. If it is her last Christmas, you'll be so glad you behaved this way.

Is there some huge rift between her and her children that means 3 out of 4 won't have anything to do with her?

bookworm14 · 01/11/2023 19:15

READ THE WHOLE THREAD BEFORE POSTING

Luddite26 · 01/11/2023 19:15

Why stop now if you have always done it.

crumblingschools · 01/11/2023 19:15

@fruitbrewhaha I’m assuming if you have never knowingly let your DC be abused by a member of the family you should be okay

AFieldGuideToTrees · 01/11/2023 19:16

TotalOverhaul · 01/11/2023 19:15

I'd host her because your own moral behaviour isn't dependent on your brother's shitty behaviour. I understand it's a real pain but it is also the kind thing to do. Make it easy on yourself. Buy everything ready prepped. Park her in front of all the old B&W Christmas movies and classics that she might enjoy. Remember you've run out of some essential herb if she drives you nuts, and go for a coffee and a stroll somewhere. If it is her last Christmas, you'll be so glad you behaved this way.

Is there some huge rift between her and her children that means 3 out of 4 won't have anything to do with her?

Yes there is a huge rift. The OP mentions it in subsequent posts.

Pertangyangkipperbang · 01/11/2023 19:17

Is this a real thread?
Who wouldn't want to be with their Mum for Christmas?
Made me cry.. my Mum was only 63 when she died.. younger than l am now.. and I'd give everything and anything to spend one more Christmas with her.. my daughter told her new partner .. " please don't expect me at Christmas because l always have my Mum here".
She couldn't imagine a Christmas without me... l spend boxing day at my other daughters.
My daughters really are kind caring and loving.. and they love me and me them with all my being.. honestly your Mum is 90. I am literally in tears.. if l lived near you . I'd have her for Christmas. Every year my elderly neighbour always spent Christmas day with us. ( She was widowed). She loved it ..( passed away now)...