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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas Dilemma- WWYD?

784 replies

christmasstollen · 31/10/2023 16:39

I am one of 4 children, all in our 60s. For the last 10 years my brother and I had arranged alternating hosting my widowed mother for Christmas (other 2 'children' stay on their own and have refused to host for the last 40 years). Except that my brother always makes an excuse and so we (DH, DCs and I) have hosted my mum every year.

After the last couple of Christmases with no thanks afterwards I put my foot down and told my brother we aren't having mum this Christmas its his turn. He agreed but has just phoned to say he's going abroad with his girlfriend so obviously can't host. I didn't want to be manipulated into having her so I said that was fine and mum would have to be on her own. Phoned mum who knew the new plans, said it was fine and she would have lunch with exDIL (Brother's ExWife) and just have a plate of vegetables (was very woe is me). Brother is the Golden Child so no blame on him wanting to go somewhere sunny, all the unsaid blame on me for not offering to host that instant.

I'm in a real quandary of what to do. On the one hand brother is getting what he wants and I'm the 'bad child' for letting mum be on her own, on the other hand he always gets away with it and the last few years I've not received any thanks for the immense amount of laundry/cooking/cleaning over 4 days.

Complicating things is that mum up until this year has been in exceptional health and is very spritely for a 90 year old. This year she's had some serious health scares and family are whispering 'what if it's her last Christmas?'

An option is to pay for her to stay in a local hotel and do pick ups/drop offs as well as pay for a taxi to bring her and take her back either side of Christmas but this would all cost £500ish which neither of us have. Any opinions welcome.

For voting:
YABU- Host your mum for what could be her last Christmas
YANBU- Don't host her as this is your brother's responsibility

OP posts:
Sunny278 · 01/11/2023 18:26

I’m in my 30s. My mum died this year age 60. You are very lucky to have this ‘dilemma’. Have your mum for Christmas and try to just worry about actual problems.

fatherfurlong · 01/11/2023 18:27

Late to this but have your Mum over for Christmas. In many families the care of an elderly parent, even when there are several siblings, often falls to one person as unfair as that is.
Your Mum is 90, why would she want to be in a hotel for Christmas? As someone else said take the moral high ground over your selfish siblings. How uncomfortable would you feel spending Christmas with someone that didn’t want you there? Do it and make the most of it.
When she is no longer around you will be glad you did.

bookworm14 · 01/11/2023 18:29

Why do people post without reading the fucking thread? The OP’s mum turned a blind eye to two of her children being abused, and hit on the OP’s husband.

Pliudev · 01/11/2023 18:29

Ok. I'm the unreasonable one for not reading the updates. Sorry OP!

Yorkshirepudin · 01/11/2023 18:31

I would definitely host her as if it really does turn out to be her last Xmas how would you feel knowing that she was all alone? Will this situation really matter anymore when she’s gone? I think it would eat away at you, things like this don’t matter when someone is gone- you would be thinking why didn’t I just have her etc, why did I leave her all alone on Xmas- please take it from me- I cut my mother out of my life five years prior to her death and one day I got that dreaded phone call and suddenly nothing else from the past mattered- I will live with that regret for the rest of my life. It’s ONE more Xmas and it’s about being with the ones you love after all x

Loopylambs · 01/11/2023 18:31

I think there’s more to this relationship than OP is saying. It’s hard to say no and not be taken advantage of by family members. Your Mother will not be left alone like some at Christmas, she will be with x SIL. Enjoy your Christmas with your DH and children and don’t feel guilty, you have done more than your share and may make other siblings realise they can’t take advantage of you in future.

Fabulousdahlink · 01/11/2023 18:32

This is exactly my situation. Nightmare sibling always plans to be away, then occasionally says her plans have changed on the 23rd Dec and can I just 'put a few more roasties on'. Not once in the last 12 years has she made any effort to make any plans to provide a 'family' Christmas or ever include my mum in her Christmas meal, instead has xmas day with her in laws or has her mates round for xmas dinner.

For the last few years it is my siblings selfishness which has ground my fears. Whilst I love my mum, I'm never able to go away or do anything different as I truly wont leave my mum alone because her favourite daughter ( my sister) cba.

So, for my own sanity, I facetime her on Xmas Eve, we have our own Xmas morning, then we go out for Xmas dinner somewhere nice with her, then back home. Darling Daughter no:2 Turns up at her house with mince pies about 8pm and that's clearly the best part of my mums entire Christmas day !
I can only suggest you try and do something similar, so you get some of Christmas Day together, and still see her.
Whilst my frustration and anger at my sibling rages on, unabated, My mum is pretty fab and has been there for me, always.
I start in August letting my mum know what is happening. When sis starts with the sabotage, and my mum tries the emotional blackmail,( she wants everyone to arrive Christmas eve, be there all day together with each other, eat together and stay over on Christmas night) I remind them we've all made our plans and paid our deposits, and the others are more than welcome to organise themselves to come along. They never do. That says more about them than me.

Yorkshirepudin · 01/11/2023 18:33

I also didn’t see those other bits about the abuse etc- my apologies OP

Mac11 · 01/11/2023 18:33

Definitely host her and DONT count the cost. Love should be freely given. It's lonely when you are on your own and I wish I had the choice. My mum died in 1994 and I miss her every day.....

Twillow · 01/11/2023 18:35

So you haven't had a a relaxing family Christmas for 10 years? That's awful! Think of your nearest and dearest, the ones who treat you kindly and say thank you, and put them first. Your mum isn't going to be on her own, she'll be with someone who's kind to her. She'd find fault whatever you do. Less said about your brother the better grrrr

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 01/11/2023 18:40

I'm going to go against the grain and get my hard hat on while I do.

It seems your the one who's been putting effort to maintain "family" but should you ?

Your mother didn't think of family when she told your brother and sister to keep their mouths shut about the abuse.

She sounds absolutely horrible. And I'm of the opinion that if people are unpleasant nasty and hard work I don't have to invite them into my house and become a live in waitress regardless of fammmmilllyyy.

A lot of emotional abuse is swept under the carpet due to that word and family only works if it's a two way street. Sounds very much like it's a one way all in your favour of your mum.

Never know you not jumping to help this year may make her reflect on her previous comments. If nothing else you can have a nice Christmas.

No judgement from me. I completely agree with you, I wouldn't invite the DM over for Xmas, the DB can go fuck himself. (The exSIL should follow the OP's lead).

Optionyougot · 01/11/2023 18:42

If it was her last Christmas, would you regret not hosting her? I'd base that decision based on how that would make you feel, because I don't think she deserves your consideration of her feeling and your brother obviously doesn't care either way.

Invite the ex-sil though. She sounds lovely and if your brother doesn't like it then tough

ettieb · 01/11/2023 18:43

You sound absolutely vile. Your poor mum. What does it matter what anyone else does. Its your mum. My mum died when i was 25 and i would give anything to have Christmas with her. Give your head a wobble.. you are so lucky to have a mum at your age.. this post has made me so so cross...

IheartNiles · 01/11/2023 18:44

My god, I read your updates!

she’s a horror.

like fuck I’d be hosting her.

Drfosters · 01/11/2023 18:44

Sorry if this has already been covered but what was your plan before the change? Were you are your children heading to your brothers or were you all doing something completely separately? Did you have other plans for the period which you have now had to rearrange?

personally I would host this year as I think you will feel guilty if you don’t and next year book a holiday. Do not be around and have a lovely break from hosting.

ChaoticCrumble · 01/11/2023 18:45

@ettieb read the updates - you've made yourself sound vile, honestly.

lya281292gmailcom · 01/11/2023 18:46

I stopped reading within a couple of sentences. Shes your mum and won't be around forever. Arguing over who is having her may be regretted in the future. Spend as much time with her as possible. 😊

Optionyougot · 01/11/2023 18:46

ettieb · 01/11/2023 18:43

You sound absolutely vile. Your poor mum. What does it matter what anyone else does. Its your mum. My mum died when i was 25 and i would give anything to have Christmas with her. Give your head a wobble.. you are so lucky to have a mum at your age.. this post has made me so so cross...

Unless your mum knew and excused child sexual abuse and tried it on with your husband i dont think you can really compare your mum, your loss or call op lucky.

nonumbersinthisname · 01/11/2023 18:47

Just as a general point regarding Christmas with elderly relatives - many people when they get older can’t actually cope with the day any more, especially in a multi-generational family with lots going on. Both my mother and MIL actually prefer to spend the day at home with their normal routine and both have independently said that as long as they get a visit from us at some point over the holidays then they’re happy. Not bothered if it’s the 25th or not.

DB was outraged and wanted to give mum the full Christmas experience as we remembered from our childhood, but rapidly realised that he was doing it for him, not for her, because he thought all good children looked after their parents at Christmas. As many PP have said here, he thought that mums place was in the centre of a family celebration, but all she wanted was peace and quiet, a cup of tea and Bargain Hunt like every other day! she ate very little and apparently ended up retiring to their spare room at about 5pm.

not sure this applies to the OP as there is evidently plenty of other stuff going on with her family, but I thought I’d balance out some of the other thread contributors with their “but it’s faaamily” and “it could be her last” bollocks. For some people who have seen 80+ Christmases, they just aren’t that special any more.

Namechange1345677 · 01/11/2023 18:48

I'd host my mum. Because I love my mum. Who cares about your siblings....

TheNameIsDickDarlington · 01/11/2023 18:49

"Complicating things is that mum up until this year has been in exceptional health and is very spritely for a 90 year old. This year she's had some serious health scares and family are whispering 'what if it's her last Christmas?' "

If it could be her last Christmas surely one of her children would want to spend Christmas with her, especially the ones who haven't had the opportunity for many years?

Where are these whisperings coming from? It's your brother it's who backed out of his plans with your mum, you don't have to swoop in and save Christmas that is not your job.

Optionyougot · 01/11/2023 18:49

lya281292gmailcom · 01/11/2023 18:46

I stopped reading within a couple of sentences. Shes your mum and won't be around forever. Arguing over who is having her may be regretted in the future. Spend as much time with her as possible. 😊

There's an option to read just the OPs updates which would be in your interest to do. That way you can see the family context that might change your view

mumguilt999 · 01/11/2023 18:51

Gotta love MN, people waging in 20 pages deep without reading a single update.

OP I would probably host out of sheer guilt but I'd resent her and DB for it. On that note I'd absolutely ask his ex to come, she might be able to act as a buffer and it's really none of his business who you've invited if he can't be arsed himself.

If he can afford a holiday I'd ask him to contribute to the money for the taxi at least.

I really don't envy you, it seems your good nature has been taken advantage of and I would absolutely put your foot down next year if this happens again. Sending you lots of love, this is very hard.

Dinglewoop · 01/11/2023 18:51

Could you host her but ask for a small contribution from other three siblings? Seems unfair that you host every year but she is your mum, I'd be gutted if none of my kids would have me.

blondieminx · 01/11/2023 18:53

Your brother is very unreasonable.

but given your mum is 90 I would make the most of it whilst you still can.