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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas Dilemma- WWYD?

784 replies

christmasstollen · 31/10/2023 16:39

I am one of 4 children, all in our 60s. For the last 10 years my brother and I had arranged alternating hosting my widowed mother for Christmas (other 2 'children' stay on their own and have refused to host for the last 40 years). Except that my brother always makes an excuse and so we (DH, DCs and I) have hosted my mum every year.

After the last couple of Christmases with no thanks afterwards I put my foot down and told my brother we aren't having mum this Christmas its his turn. He agreed but has just phoned to say he's going abroad with his girlfriend so obviously can't host. I didn't want to be manipulated into having her so I said that was fine and mum would have to be on her own. Phoned mum who knew the new plans, said it was fine and she would have lunch with exDIL (Brother's ExWife) and just have a plate of vegetables (was very woe is me). Brother is the Golden Child so no blame on him wanting to go somewhere sunny, all the unsaid blame on me for not offering to host that instant.

I'm in a real quandary of what to do. On the one hand brother is getting what he wants and I'm the 'bad child' for letting mum be on her own, on the other hand he always gets away with it and the last few years I've not received any thanks for the immense amount of laundry/cooking/cleaning over 4 days.

Complicating things is that mum up until this year has been in exceptional health and is very spritely for a 90 year old. This year she's had some serious health scares and family are whispering 'what if it's her last Christmas?'

An option is to pay for her to stay in a local hotel and do pick ups/drop offs as well as pay for a taxi to bring her and take her back either side of Christmas but this would all cost £500ish which neither of us have. Any opinions welcome.

For voting:
YABU- Host your mum for what could be her last Christmas
YANBU- Don't host her as this is your brother's responsibility

OP posts:
LizM66 · 01/11/2023 17:55

I know the feeling of golden male child....my parents told me, and I know have posted before, we can't speak to X as we speak to you as we will.lose a son......but in fairness he loves them to bits. Suck it up and host. BW

kingtamponthefurred · 01/11/2023 18:00

namechangnancy · 01/11/2023 17:37

I'm going to go against the grain and get my hard hat on while I do.

It seems your the one who's been putting effort to maintain "family" but should you ?

Your mother didn't think of family when she told your brother and sister to keep their mouths shut about the abuse.

She sounds absolutely horrible. And I'm of the opinion that if people are unpleasant nasty and hard work I don't have to invite them into my house and become a live in waitress regardless of fammmmilllyyy.

A lot of emotional abuse is swept under the carpet due to that word and family only works if it's a two way street. Sounds very much like it's a one way all in your favour of your mum.

Never know you not jumping to help this year may make her reflect on her previous comments. If nothing else you can have a nice Christmas.

(Prepares to be jumped on people yelling but fammilllyyy)

Nailed it.

Olderbutt · 01/11/2023 18:08

I would say host your Mum if your relationship is ok/passable. My Mum had terminal cancer for her last Christmas. She insisted on booking herself into a nursing home for the festive period 23rd to 27th. She says she had a wonderful time and was happy because she knew, that with her making that sacrifice, I could spend my Grandaughter's first Christmas with her, which was magical. However I'm still beating myself up about it 18 years later. Hope you can sort this

Lilybugs · 01/11/2023 18:10

I’d give the world to have my mum back….just saying.

Popcornready · 01/11/2023 18:12

You shouldn’t feel guilty for not wanting to host,regardless of family.
sadly toxic is toxic, we have learnt that the hard way, this Christmas will just be our immediate household, it’s not popular with those who now will have to step up and sort themselves out, even though they are all more than capable.
It’s the only way we can cope with the Christmas season now so that’s what we are doing.
stick to your choice it very much sounds like your plate is already full with challenges, without adding extra.

Dizzy1994 · 01/11/2023 18:12

God how cold. Its your mother fgs.
Literally like oh could you put up with her and could you siblings tolerate her if it was her last one?? ITS YOUT MUM. Unless she is abusive or a right cow - get over it

MarryingMrDarcy · 01/11/2023 18:13

christmasstollen · 01/11/2023 17:02

First of all I want to apologise for what a lot of posters have called a massive dripfeed. I didn't include the reasons for 2 of my siblings absence as it didn't happen to me so I didn't think it was relevant to why I was unsure about hosting. On that note I only learned about the abuse from them in their 20s and not all the details until we were in our 50s. I have a much better relationship with my older brother, my sister (understandably) hasn't had an easy life and really only speaks to our mother and that is about once every 2 years.

It falls mainly to me and infrequently DB to look after mum. As we're further away my absolutely lovely ExSIL has also taken some of that burden with getting her to the shops/pharmacy etc. The whole family love ExSIL as she's incredibly kind, no surprise that DB initiated the divorce and was happy to tell people it was because they weren't having enough sex.

I would absolutely have both mum and ExSIL over but DB would not be happy about his exwife coming.

Your ex-SIL sounds like a lovely person and deserving of much better treatment than what she has experienced from DB. I’d have her over for Christmas in acknowledgement of that, but if it would wind him up as well then even better!!

Retiredfromearlyyears · 01/11/2023 18:13

Oh my goodness! Your poor mother! Her only mistake it would seem is living to 90! Was she bad to you when you were growing up.? Are their unresolved issues between you? If not you shouldn't refuse to let her share Christmas with you just to get back at your brother and siblings that frankly dont seem to give a stuff! Too sad .

MarryingMrDarcy · 01/11/2023 18:14

Dizzy1994 · 01/11/2023 18:12

God how cold. Its your mother fgs.
Literally like oh could you put up with her and could you siblings tolerate her if it was her last one?? ITS YOUT MUM. Unless she is abusive or a right cow - get over it

Read the updates.

MarryingMrDarcy · 01/11/2023 18:14

Retiredfromearlyyears · 01/11/2023 18:13

Oh my goodness! Your poor mother! Her only mistake it would seem is living to 90! Was she bad to you when you were growing up.? Are their unresolved issues between you? If not you shouldn't refuse to let her share Christmas with you just to get back at your brother and siblings that frankly dont seem to give a stuff! Too sad .

Read the updates.

Pliudev · 01/11/2023 18:15

You sound nice. A 90 year old woman causes an immense amount of cooking, cleaning and laundry? I can't help wonder what your mother did to deserve you and your siblings. 'Poor me' ? Well, yes. What's her address she can come here?

MarryingMrDarcy · 01/11/2023 18:16

Pliudev · 01/11/2023 18:15

You sound nice. A 90 year old woman causes an immense amount of cooking, cleaning and laundry? I can't help wonder what your mother did to deserve you and your siblings. 'Poor me' ? Well, yes. What's her address she can come here?

Read the updates.

Sugarfree23 · 01/11/2023 18:17

Pliudev · 01/11/2023 18:15

You sound nice. A 90 year old woman causes an immense amount of cooking, cleaning and laundry? I can't help wonder what your mother did to deserve you and your siblings. 'Poor me' ? Well, yes. What's her address she can come here?

Read the Ops updates and you'll understand exactly what she did to deserve Op and her siblings.

BigDaddio · 01/11/2023 18:17

Sorry not read all the replies but I would say host your Mum (just your mum....none of the other siblings if they never host). Its a sad fact that it might be her last Christmas if you don't see her and I think you would be upset that you hadn't kept her company on Christmas day.

Takenoprisoner · 01/11/2023 18:18

Read the updates is basically the new Cancel the cheque

namechangnancy · 01/11/2023 18:18

Dizzy1994 · 01/11/2023 18:12

God how cold. Its your mother fgs.
Literally like oh could you put up with her and could you siblings tolerate her if it was her last one?? ITS YOUT MUM. Unless she is abusive or a right cow - get over it

Yer ops siblings told their mother they had been abused by their uncle and she told them to shut up and never talk about it to anyone every again.

And I also assume since both of the siblings are low contact as adults she let the abuse continue.

I don't know how anyone cannot class that as emotional abuse. That on top of the fact she sounds like a complete nasty piece of work and a bit of a narc.

Some people may have the title of mother but only want that title when it benefits them.

Grim reading..

5YearsLeft · 01/11/2023 18:19

christmasstollen · 01/11/2023 17:12

@5YearsLeft Lovely to see you on the thread! I followed you on Instagram after I read a thread of yours on here and laugh and cry about what you post. Thank you for your insightful comment here.

@christmasstollen Ah! Thank you so much. You ladies on Instagram are sometimes one of the big things keeping me going on shit days.

Your post really, really spoke to me. I didn’t enjoy the amount of people piling on you with the “she’s 90 - she doesn’t have many Christmases left,” or, “put aside whatever the issue is and just host her - she’s your mum” bollocks. I DO appreciate that these people are trying to share advice that they hope will save you from regrets, but unfortunately, when you have an abusive parent, up can be down and left can be right. You will not have the same regrets as others, and what seems normal to others is really more like emotional blackmail.

Dying, being close to dying, getting elderly, etc. does not automatically make someone worthy of your love or your time. I’ve known some 90 year olds who anyone would love to know, and I’ve known some who were right cunts, and they didn’t care if they were going to die tomorrow; they were going to keep being unpleasant AF until the bitter end.

At the end of all things, you’re only going to be accountable to yourself; we don’t get judged by a jury of our peers in any version of the afterlife that I’ve heard of. And while some people worry about guilt, and will probably say, “Oh come on! When you die, you’ll NEVER wish you’d told more people to fuck off!” Well… take it from me. I wish I’d told more people to fuck off, and if someone really deserves it, I’m absolutely telling them in the time I’ve got left.

Don’t let another Christmas be stolen. Break bread with those who love and cherish you, and let anyone else go do one 😂

enchantedsquirrelwood · 01/11/2023 18:21

I would absolutely have both mum and ExSIL over but DB would not be happy about his exwife coming

And you care about that because?

Your mum may have been abusive but he's clearly a tw*t too.

I think you have your priorities wrong OP. Have your exSIL over!

Amista77 · 01/11/2023 18:21

I have changed my vote. I don't think you should feel bad about not hosting her for one year. Or you should definitely invite exSIL as well and explain to the golden brother why.
I'm sorry you're in this position, OP

Roco11 · 01/11/2023 18:21

Please do what you are comfortable with. We lost my mum earlier this year and I would give anything to have just one more Christmas with her.

You need to make sure for your own mental health and wellbeing that you have no regrets once she has gone, that you have a clear conscience and no guilt. It will certainly help you grieving when the time comes.

As for your siblings, they should be ashamed of themselves and will have to deal with their own guilt.

NoSquirrels · 01/11/2023 18:22

I would absolutely have both mum and ExSIL over but DB would not be happy about his exwife coming.

Feck that. He gets no consideration as he’s not there for Christmas. Do what YOU want to do, whether that’s hosting your mum or not.

(Fwiw, I’d let her stay home and you can arrange a day trip to see her with the DC/DGC on Boxing Day or the like. ‘Saving you the effort of travelling, Mum.’

Bobbotgegrinch · 01/11/2023 18:23

Lilybugs · 01/11/2023 18:10

I’d give the world to have my mum back….just saying.

Your Mum was probably a decent human being though

enchantedsquirrelwood · 01/11/2023 18:23

Your brother is being massive arsehole, but I don't think I could leave my mum with someone's ex-wife on Christmas Day (and I would also feel terrible that the ex-wife was still feeling obliged to entertain her ex husband's mother while he went on holiday with his girlfriend)

The OP isn't responsible for someone else's feelings of obligation However, it does sound like her ex SIL is lovely.

NicolaJM · 01/11/2023 18:24

As others have said, it depends on your relationship with her. My suggestion is that you invite other people over for Christmas too. When my sisters and me were pretty argumentative teens, my parents invited friends over to share Christmas day - family friends but their kids were Christmassing with inlaws etc. Best Christmases ever! We were all on good behaviour - helping out, not arguing, playing games etc

Mumof3confused · 01/11/2023 18:26

How much extra work does she genuinely create? She’s your mum. I don’t have a great relationship with my mum but it would not cross my mind to have Christmas without her. I’m an only child though so nobody else to pick up any slack.