Christmas Dilemma- WWYD?

[christmasstollen]

I am one of 4 children, all in our 60s. For the last 10 years my brother and I had arranged alternating hosting my widowed mother for Christmas (other 2 'children' stay on their own and have refused to host for the last 40 years). Except that my brother always makes an excuse and so we (DH, DCs and I) have hosted my mum every year.

After the last couple of Christmases with no thanks afterwards I put my foot down and told my brother we aren't having mum this Christmas its his turn. He agreed but has just phoned to say he's going abroad with his girlfriend so obviously can't host. I didn't want to be manipulated into having her so I said that was fine and mum would have to be on her own. Phoned mum who knew the new plans, said it was fine and she would have lunch with exDIL (Brother's ExWife) and just have a plate of vegetables (was very woe is me). Brother is the Golden Child so no blame on him wanting to go somewhere sunny, all the unsaid blame on me for not offering to host that instant.

I'm in a real quandary of what to do. On the one hand brother is getting what he wants and I'm the 'bad child' for letting mum be on her own, on the other hand he always gets away with it and the last few years I've not received any thanks for the immense amount of laundry/cooking/cleaning over 4 days.

Complicating things is that mum up until this year has been in exceptional health and is very spritely for a 90 year old. This year she's had some serious health scares and family are whispering 'what if it's her last Christmas?'

An option is to pay for her to stay in a local hotel and do pick ups/drop offs as well as pay for a taxi to bring her and take her back either side of Christmas but this would all cost £500ish which neither of us have. Any opinions welcome.

For voting:
YABU- Host your mum for what could be her last Christmas
YANBU- Don't host her as this is your brother's responsibility

Yeah absolutely agree with pp's on the drip feed and many of us said well what's the back story. Although I think as somone approaches end of life you do review and forget the petty stuff. I definitely don't think you should just ignore and forget awful stuff because someone is old.

It's fair the other two won't see her. Have you spoken to her about this? Does she understand why they don't see her? How do you feel about her ignoring the issue with them? Also are you able to r she's really hard work to host?

Clearly your mother is deeply unpleasant, OP (understatement, I know), plus it all sounds like a lot of work for you.

What do your DC think? Would they like to see their grandmother over Christmas? If so, can they help you out more with getting things sorted, cooking, cleaning up, etc.? And could your mum come for even one less day? Or could your brother get the money off her to pay for the hotel and taxis?

If your DC aren't bothered about seeing her, then I suggest you stick to your original plan and tell your mum you just can't host her this year. Try not to feel guilty about that! She has treated you and your siblings unforgivably badly, and you've hosted her for the last 10 years. You're certainly entitled to a nice, relaxed Christmas with your DH, DC and their partners.

Best of luck, OP

Yes, OP should want to have a woman in her house who ignored the sexual abuse of her children.

Or are you another annoying poster who can only be bothered to read the OP?

And? My post is AFTER the op update, so the post I'm responding to was posted AFTER the op update.

There's a fair few of them!

There is something about the 'plate of vegetables' that is weird though.

A veggie would tell you they were having tofu or couscuis or veggie str fry etc for dinner not a 'plate of vegetables'.

Who even uses the full 'vegetable' word and not veggie / veg or name the specific veg 'I'll just have a 'plate of carrots'

Call her rudolf and let her enjoy her veggies!

Have read the update. A tough situation OP. 💐

Oops, I've read the updates now (I do normally read them all I promise!!)
I understand now!
A very tricky situation

This is a massive drip feed that you should have put in the OP to avoid all the “oh your poor poor old innocent aged mum” comments that inevitably have been posted. A lot of us understood that there must be a reason for siblings going NC and not wanting to host her, and it wasn’t likely to just be that they’re selfish.

People don’t read updates so there’s likely to be a continued torrent of “oh your poor poor old innocent aged mum”.

Agree.

OP says it's because she didn't want people to give biased opinions, but that doesn't make any sense to me.

A biased opinion is one that is unreasonable based on personal opinion. I don't think you could classify not wanting to spend time with someone who corroborated in the sexual abuse of your children as biased.

Or you could offer a more nuanced response in the first place, like many of the posters did? E.g. “well it depends what your relationship is like” etc? The lack of critical thinking here and basic understanding of information is unreal. The number of people who kept saying her Mum would be alone was absurd when she literally said another family member had offered to host Mum!

Your brother is being massive arsehole, but I don't think I could leave my mum with someone's ex-wife on Christmas Day (and I would also feel terrible that the ex-wife was still feeling obliged to entertain her ex husband's mother while he went on holiday with his girlfriend).

You mention you are one of four siblings. Where are the other two in all this?

EDIT: Just seen your updates. Probably would have been better to include that in your first post to be honest, as it's obviously key information. Not really sure why any of you have a relationship with your mother if she's as bad as you say.

It sounds like your brother is getting the brunt of this just because he’s not strong enough to say he won’t host unlike your other siblings and is just going along with it till he can find an excuse to not do it. Perhaps you should just understand that hosting is your thing and if you don’t want to this year then just don’t.

Not really sure why any of you have a relationship with your mother if she's as bad as you say.

I'd put money on OP having a relationship with her mother because of all the immediate "but she's your MOTHER" type responses on this thread. There is a huge taboo round thinking that your mother is anything less than a warm, loving and maternal person. And hence people who don't get on with their mums assume that they must be the problem, and perhaps if they tried harder, maybe invited their mother over for 4 days every Christmas, that things would get better.

If people post about not wanting to do something with their DH/DP, posters are very happy to assume that this must be because the DP/DH must be an arse. If it's your mum, it's almost shameful to say it might be because she is less than perfect.

Have your mum for Christmas. Forget about your brother and make sure he is never invited to your home at Christmas again.

I didn't get the feeling that Op invited her brother as well.

Rather that he never hosts even though he says he will.

Totally disagree with you that Op should invite her mum.

First of all I want to apologise for what a lot of posters have called a massive dripfeed. I didn't include the reasons for 2 of my siblings absence as it didn't happen to me so I didn't think it was relevant to why I was unsure about hosting. On that note I only learned about the abuse from them in their 20s and not all the details until we were in our 50s. I have a much better relationship with my older brother, my sister (understandably) hasn't had an easy life and really only speaks to our mother and that is about once every 2 years.

It falls mainly to me and infrequently DB to look after mum. As we're further away my absolutely lovely ExSIL has also taken some of that burden with getting her to the shops/pharmacy etc. The whole family love ExSIL as she's incredibly kind, no surprise that DB initiated the divorce and was happy to tell people it was because they weren't having enough sex.

I would absolutely have both mum and ExSIL over but DB would not be happy about his exwife coming.

Honestly a tragic thread to read. The thought of my DC arguing over who has me over for Christmas and one DC feeling as resentful of my company as you seem to is devastating. The amount of shit Mother’s in particular go through for their children, having them over for Christmas when they’re old and alone is the least you could do.

Have you actually read the thread? At least just the OP's posts?

A few people have mentioned inheritance, mum has already said she's leaving it all to DB as 'he needs it most' but that's neither here nor there as I have hosted knowing this already and my hospitality is not dependant on that.

I was happy to encourage a very normal grandparent-grandchild relationship and we went over for the day every holiday and the DC received ice creams and magazines as you would normally and of course love their grandmother. I have tried to keep my opinions to myself, but as the DC have got older I've told them more and they understand my mother and I have a complicated relationship. Someone hit the nail on the head that it's the emotional effort of hosting, not the physical effort, which I find a strain.

As usual I am surprised at how much mumsnetters can extrapolate from a few posts, yes interpreting wrongly but also frighteningly insightful and close to the truth as well!

@5YearsLeft Lovely to see you on the thread! I followed you on Instagram after I read a thread of yours on here and laugh and cry about what you post. Thank you for your insightful comment here.

Of course the additional information helps explain why 2 of your siblings are very low contact with your mother but the bar is often set so high for women who have difficult relationships with their mother. There are also plenty of families in which brothers are a mother's golden child despite having done very little to deserve this status.

Whatever you decide, I hope you realise that you have a right to decide what's best for you.

I'm going to go against the grain and get my hard hat on while I do.

It seems your the one who's been putting effort to maintain "family" but should you ?

Your mother didn't think of family when she told your brother and sister to keep their mouths shut about the abuse.

She sounds absolutely horrible. And I'm of the opinion that if people are unpleasant nasty and hard work I don't have to invite them into my house and become a live in waitress regardless of fammmmilllyyy.

A lot of emotional abuse is swept under the carpet due to that word and family only works if it's a two way street. Sounds very much like it's a one way all in your favour of your mum.

Never know you not jumping to help this year may make her reflect on her previous comments. If nothing else you can have a nice Christmas.

(Prepares to be jumped on people yelling but fammilllyyy)

"I would absolutely have both mum and ExSIL over but DB would not be happy about his exwife coming."

And you're not happy about him continually finding excuses not to host, so bugger what he wants frankly.

I certainly wouldn't host your mother, but if you decide to do so, I would definitely invite SIL along in addition (provided her presence adds to your enjoyment/reduces your emotional and practical burden) if only to spite your shirker DB.

I feel for you. My brother has been like this my entire life. Even as kids he wouldn’t buy our parents presents on birthdays and Christmas. I’d use pocket money and my own money received as gifts. He’d add his name to my card at the last minute. I’ve had our parents stay with me repeatedly and agreed to go on holidays with them, whereas he does not (his wife won’t have my parents in their home), yet he’s the golden child who can do no wrong. They are incredibly difficult people. My SIL is lovely and reasonable, she’s just drawn a boundary. It’s been really hard. Yet, my brother can completely ignore their existence and they sing his praises. I receive criticism.

However, despite all this, I wouldn’t leave my 90 year old mother alone on Christmas.