Christmas Dilemma- WWYD?

[christmasstollen]

I am one of 4 children, all in our 60s. For the last 10 years my brother and I had arranged alternating hosting my widowed mother for Christmas (other 2 'children' stay on their own and have refused to host for the last 40 years). Except that my brother always makes an excuse and so we (DH, DCs and I) have hosted my mum every year.

After the last couple of Christmases with no thanks afterwards I put my foot down and told my brother we aren't having mum this Christmas its his turn. He agreed but has just phoned to say he's going abroad with his girlfriend so obviously can't host. I didn't want to be manipulated into having her so I said that was fine and mum would have to be on her own. Phoned mum who knew the new plans, said it was fine and she would have lunch with exDIL (Brother's ExWife) and just have a plate of vegetables (was very woe is me). Brother is the Golden Child so no blame on him wanting to go somewhere sunny, all the unsaid blame on me for not offering to host that instant.

I'm in a real quandary of what to do. On the one hand brother is getting what he wants and I'm the 'bad child' for letting mum be on her own, on the other hand he always gets away with it and the last few years I've not received any thanks for the immense amount of laundry/cooking/cleaning over 4 days.

Complicating things is that mum up until this year has been in exceptional health and is very spritely for a 90 year old. This year she's had some serious health scares and family are whispering 'what if it's her last Christmas?'

An option is to pay for her to stay in a local hotel and do pick ups/drop offs as well as pay for a taxi to bring her and take her back either side of Christmas but this would all cost £500ish which neither of us have. Any opinions welcome.

For voting:
YABU- Host your mum for what could be her last Christmas
YANBU- Don't host her as this is your brother's responsibility

read the OPs updates, I’m quite sure you’ll reconsider.

Who's wondering if @christmasstollen mother paid for the brother's holiday?

Who's wondering if @christmasstollen mother paid for the brother's holiday?

Can I just add a point here @christmasstollen where you wrote this:
"Complicating things is that mum up until this year has been in exceptional health and is very spritely for a 90 year old. This year she's had some serious health scares and family are whispering 'what if it's her last Christmas?'"
Whoever this 'family' is that is whispering that it might be her last Christmas, they are equally able to host her and help her enjoy her 'last Christmas' but with them and not foist her onto you again.

My advice would be for you, your DH and your kids to try to find somewhere that you could go away yourself to, be that an AirBnB, a hotel, a guest house or some holiday rental somewhere so that you're not at home for Christmas yourself. Start a new tradition for your family. You know you deserve it.

You would be fighting to all host a woman who has ignore the sexual abuse of her children and one that has hit on your husband? What a strange family

Just read updates - I take it all back.

She would be left with her vegetables and hopefully they'd be cold.

Having read the updates, less a game of Christmas Chicken and more of a turkey.

OP - is there anything you could do that would be good enough for her? I'm suspecting not, because you are not your brother.

In which case - do what suits you and your children best. You can always order her an M&S food shop so at least she's eating a plate of M&S vegetables.

None of that mentioned in original post. Obviously a massive drip.

I do understand the alternating thing but at the same time it's your Mum! I ofc have no idea what your relationship is like with her etc but you mentioned her health. If I was you I would definitely have her for Christmas as nobody wanta to live woth regret. I have 2 small dcs but love having my parents for Christmas. It brings me so much joy being able to give back to them for everything they have done for me over the years. Good luck with your choice 💕

Read the update and you'll get more idea of the dynamics.

Based on the updates, I've changed my YABU to YANBU. It's really helpful if posters give the backstory to start with, because in this case it changes things a lot. Your DM sounds selfish, opinionated and a PITA. And there are no words for a mother who doesn't believe her DC when they tell her that they've been sexually abused

You sound horrible.
I hope your kids grudge you their company once you are old.

Good grief, my first thought is I would feel sorry for the ex-DIL who has offered her the ‘plate of vegetables’ . Seriously, surely one benefit of being an ex is not hosting in-laws for Christmas.

Your mum sounds truly awful OP. It may well be her last Christmas, but to be fair it could be your last Christmas , or that of any of the family you would enjoy spending time with.

What do your DC & DH think to this ? Do they want your mum there or not? I would be discussing it with them, and also explaining that you need some help with the washing/ running after etc, if the consensus is that she visits.

After your update, yuck, nope. Mum can sort herself out. You’ve done enough.

I'm laughing at the people who turn their noses up at a 'plate of vegetables' and thinking that this woman is being hard done by.

You are aware that vegetarians eat many many many plates of vegetables because they don't eat meat? Add vegans into that mix and you've got a lot of people who eat plates of vegetables. There is nothing wrong with plates of vegetables.

Your mum will be fine @christmasstollen. The trick now is to make sure that you and your DH and your kids will be fine too!

So yes, something very, very wrong here. Not every parent is the loving, nurturing person that their children might need, and some things are so big that they don’t get automatically forgiven when the person reaches 90.

OP, make your own decision about your own mental well-being and if any “family” want to whisper about it possibly being her last Christmas, they can host her.

I agree with this. I had a problematic relationship with my Mum, and had several threads on here about her including a do-I-don’t-I Christmas one. A lot of “but she’s your Muuuuuum!” type responses from people who can’t imagine a mother being anything less than the warm, loving, nurturing centre of the family.

My Mum died suddenly last year, and we hadn’t spent her last Christmas together as it was my PILs turn for us to go to them, but honestly? I don’t regret it. We saw her on Boxing Day/the day after anyway and she made the Christmas before that incredibly stressful.

You need to do whatever will be best for you and your own family.

My eldest two siblings are very LC with mum because when we were children they were sexually abused by an 'uncle'. They told mum and she didn't believe them and told them to never talk about it again

This comment alone I'd never see her again. I hope you've never left your children alone with her as she sounds like someone who absoloutley wouldn't safeguard them

Oh my goodness it's your mum and she's in her 90's! I can't believe you're even considering not hosting her to spite your brother :( that is assuming there's no back story and she's evil and abusive, so what if he never hosts her, you will have all the memories and love with her - it's a total no brainier for me, sod your brother and spend Christmas with your mum

Just seen the abuse update, I'd book to go away myself same as your bro

READ THE CHUFFING THREAD!!

Is it possible to get "please read all of OPs posts before commenting" put into the title?

In fairness to a lot of posters, the OP didn't mention her mum's awfulness til much later.

I presume you DM has meals on wheels and some sort of care service at home. So she will be provided with some kind of Christmas meal, anyway. If not contact her local LA re getting services as she obviously cannot care for herself any more.
She’ll probably leave the bulk of her estate to golden boy so anything paid for her care won’t affect you.
If you feel you really must, tell her you can afford only 2 nights in the hotel. Hopefully she would then decline because it would be too tiring.

Yes the brother CAN go on holiday every year! My MIL's brother did just this, fucked off abroad every damned year until his mother died.

As to the expense, he "borrows thousands at a time from mum". Which she will continue to give him because, you know - Golden Child!

One extra guest? Not all guests are created equal. There's the guest who pitches in and/or is pleasant company - and there is OP's mum.

Did you miss that "Mum isn't so well at night which means the bedding has to be changed everyday" and "She may be one person but she creates an endless amount of dirty mugs and plates and hankies that need to be washed! Yes she does expect to be waited on hand and foot"? Or that OP doesn't "get on well with mum after decades of jibes and nasty comments"?

Have a word with yourself!

If you'd told us this key information in your original post, most of us would have commented/voted differently.

"Am I justified in refusing to have my 90 year old mother for Xmas because my brother (and 2 other siblings duck out of it" is a completely different question after you add the information about how she has behaved towards you and your abused siblings.

Those of us who commented early in the thread did not have the OP's later drip-feed of information at our disposal.