Christmas Dilemma- WWYD?

[christmasstollen]

I am one of 4 children, all in our 60s. For the last 10 years my brother and I had arranged alternating hosting my widowed mother for Christmas (other 2 'children' stay on their own and have refused to host for the last 40 years). Except that my brother always makes an excuse and so we (DH, DCs and I) have hosted my mum every year.

After the last couple of Christmases with no thanks afterwards I put my foot down and told my brother we aren't having mum this Christmas its his turn. He agreed but has just phoned to say he's going abroad with his girlfriend so obviously can't host. I didn't want to be manipulated into having her so I said that was fine and mum would have to be on her own. Phoned mum who knew the new plans, said it was fine and she would have lunch with exDIL (Brother's ExWife) and just have a plate of vegetables (was very woe is me). Brother is the Golden Child so no blame on him wanting to go somewhere sunny, all the unsaid blame on me for not offering to host that instant.

I'm in a real quandary of what to do. On the one hand brother is getting what he wants and I'm the 'bad child' for letting mum be on her own, on the other hand he always gets away with it and the last few years I've not received any thanks for the immense amount of laundry/cooking/cleaning over 4 days.

Complicating things is that mum up until this year has been in exceptional health and is very spritely for a 90 year old. This year she's had some serious health scares and family are whispering 'what if it's her last Christmas?'

An option is to pay for her to stay in a local hotel and do pick ups/drop offs as well as pay for a taxi to bring her and take her back either side of Christmas but this would all cost £500ish which neither of us have. Any opinions welcome.

For voting:
YABU- Host your mum for what could be her last Christmas
YANBU- Don't host her as this is your brother's responsibility

I was one of the pp that asked for the back story. It’s so obvious to me there was a massive one.

Now we have heard it - let’s summarise op’s life:

A husband that is too ill to move or help, I assume he too needs lots of care from op
Demands of children and adult partners staying
A mother that has been abusive to op her whole life, including the sexual abuse of her own siblings being ignored
A fractured family and a brother that doesn’t really want anything to do with his mother beyond her servicing his lifestyle

You have already done much more for your mother than she deserves.

You have two choices, in my view:

a) She gets on with it at ex DIL and you can remind her she is only there because DB let her down. She has a perfectly adequate Christmas planned op, she is not on her own. You will have a fraction of the work load and can relax.

b) Your mother books and pays for her own taxi and hotel - she gives your brother thousands of pounds, she should be paying for her bloody self! She comes for lunch and that is it. She is welcome - but these are the conditions.

I would not entertain the idea of having her to stay nor paying for an alternative. If she wants to come, the offer is there and she can pay. Therefore you can minimise how much time she is with you too.

I would choose A personally

Wow. OMG don't have her. Let her have a plate of veg and reflect on her life a little.

@christmasstollen you are being manipulated and made to feel guilty by people who are thoroughly unpleasant

honestly ignore the plate of veg bollocks and tinkly laugh and say that you hear that DIL makes THE best vegetables.

dont put this woman over your kids/husband/family/happiness

let the whisperers host her if they’re so concerned and yes, tell her that she’s at DILs because her son let her down. You aren’t hosting this year for multiple very good reasons.

dont back down

its not like you planned to host then decided last minute

Given your updates - I would not offer to her this year.

I don't believe that people in a family can behave badly and expect others to put up with it forever and play happy families out of a sense of obligation.

Also, she can give your broke brother £££ but not pay for her own taxis to and from your house?

I thought there was some back story but not that bad.

Leave her to her own devices. She has created the poor relationship with all her children. Let the rest of your family enjoy the comfort of the spare room.

Having read all the updates I've also changed mind leave her to it and enjoy Christmas with your family .But please get your visitors to really muck in and help . Picky meals one day and a takeaway another .Take the pressure off yourself.

I'm a bit shell shocked by this to be honest. I have siblings but if none of them wanted to host our mum I would have her every year for the rest of her days, my mil too.
It's Christmas Day!!!

OK. Now I’ve read updates, don’t do anything. Let your mother have a plate of vegetables with ex DIL or whoever. She said it was fine and she knows that it is your brother who has let her down. You’re not being actively neglectful. And if she’s at the stage where bedding needs to be changed every night she is probably better off at home with carers (assuming she has carers)

Maybe read the updates?

Even wth the backstory my position would be - come and do a week in a nearby respite care home so that her needs can be accommodated. She pays of course, and she pays for the cab there and back.

That’s what I did for an elderly relative for a few years.

If she doesn’t want to fork out, or can’t afford it - you have offered.

I also thought there would be a back story, but not this bad. Jesus christ OP, no, you don't have to host the vile woman this Xmas or ever again. She turned a blind eye to the abuse of your older siblings and in the years since doesn't seem to have got any less toxic. She's horrifying.

Don't be resentful of your brother doing nothing. Follow his example. He's been called all sorts of names on this thread but I suspect he sees your mother for exactly who she is and has made the choice to only be in contact insofar as she can fund him. That's another example of reaping what she's sowed. I don't blame him for buggering off on holiday at all.

You say you're trying to keep a semblance of family together. I suggest that your biggest priority right now should be to stop straining yourself to do this. Untangle whatever feelings of guilt or obligation make you feel you have to do this. It's completely futile. The family is not together, and your mother is the reason why. I would focus on your own children and husband and let go of any effort regarding your mother.

In fact I would go very LC or NC with your mother and instead try to build bridges with your siblings.

Sad to see so much guilt-tripping on this thread but I find that those who have healthy relationships with their parents simply can't comprehend the notion that some parents are so toxic that they don't deserve to be treated dutifully with respect. But there were enough clues in the OP's first post that those who've had experience of it will have known immediately.

Under the circumstances and with her behaviour I would not be having her.

When I wrote my comment earlier I focused on my 'golden child' brother and his lack of input at Christmas time. My irritation is with him because he reaps all the benefits with none of the input and has done all his life. Yet he is still the 'golden child' despite moving away and leaving me to deal with any day to day problems. My DM however is always grateful to spend Christmas with us, contributes to the cost of the food and helps with the washing up. I also host my DFIL who has a daughter who has been NC with him for the best part of 20 years - coincidently who blames him for being abused by an 'uncle' as a child even though he knew nothing of it. In your case I think I would have a Christmas off. You had already said to your brother you wouldn't be doing it so stick to your guns, he will see that you are keeping to your word. Be sure to tell your DM that her son had volunteered to have her this year but HE has let her down by making different plans and yours cannot be changed. Go and visit her for the day after Christmas, take left overs, gifts and spend time with her then - she can go the exDIL for Christmas Day. You are just as entitled to enjoy your Christmas as the rest of your family.

"Oh well.....I was just left alone as no one wanted me".

And whose fault would that be?

Honest to God Op, I don't know why you bother with her at at all.

Might as well have the Christmas that you want!

This exactly 💯

I would do absolutely anything to have my dad for dinner. I’d enjoy her whilst you can. She is 90 and has almost certainly given up lots in her life raising 4 kids x

Is she in a home, who usually changes her bedding and washes her mugs etc?

That’s beside the point sounds like she‘s a bitch I’m surprised she gets any invites.

Let's be honest, you'll be doing all the house prepping for Christmas whether your mum joins you or not. Her presence isn't going to add piles to your family's laundry or hours onto your cleaning rota,
Those are just excuses.
Have your mum over, change your mindset around your siblings not taking their turn and see it as an honour that you get to have your elderly mum over one more time.

I've read the entire thread but before I had, I had voted YANBU.

Simply because your brother agreed (the one that is still talking to his mother) to go into an arrangement with you to share the hosting responsibilities and yet again, he has dropped the ball on it because he has suddenly made alternative plans with his girlfriend.

Have you read him the riot act? Have you said to HIM that it's now up to HIM to find an alternative for where his mum goes? If not, why not?

This is your year that you don't have to look after your mum. You just don't. Your brother on the other hand should be making whatever arrangements are necessary to find somewhere that his mum can go for Christmas.

Yes I am aware that she is 90. Again, it's your brother's year to host and if he is pissing off to the sun, it's still your brother's year to arrange what to do with his mother. Why are you allowing him to shirk that responsibility and assuming the responsibility. You're the one doing the ringing around, breaking the news. Why is that? If she was as horrible as your update makes out, this is the reaping of what she sowed so many years ago.

That's my 2c on the situation. There is still plenty of time to arrange something, even if it your brother organising some ready meals that she could cook for herself on Christmas day.

Don't beat yourself up about it.

Leave her to her own devices. Ignore the holier than thou responses from people who haven't been in your situation.

Prioritise your immediate family getting a good Xmas. Your mother has clearly learnt nothing from her 2 eldest going nc/lc. You don't want your own dc reflecting that they missed out on lovely xmases because you prioritised kindness to an abusive parent over them.

Look after yourself, you have nothing to reproach yourself for.

The brother can’t go on holiday every year, it’s doubly expensive at Christmas.
Even if he did manage to evade it again next year, he can’t do so and still go to OPs house himself.
Therefore, the mother is just one extra guest.

Yes, @Twiglets1, but OP's brother will still be on his own for Xmas doing this own thing while OP is hosting her mum again!!

In light of the new information, it’s worth pointing out that if you vote YABU, you can change the vote to YANBU if you wish. The vote isn’t fixed.

i would hope that the vote shifts once people factor in the child sex abuse, the manipulative mother and the fact that her own kids want to stay and have made plans to do so based on the Brother - who sponges off his mum, has no money but has booked himself some winter sun etc

@christmasstollen isnt being unreasonable. She’s done more than her fair share

her husband needs looking after, she needs looking after and her kids need a bed.

it’s only just November, plenty of time for other people to step up and host

OP your updates have completely changed my initial opinion. I don’t think you are being unreasonable. I would tell her a few home truths re why she’s spending at alone and advise her to direct the blame toward your brother.

I would probably suck it up but I'd totally understand if you feel you don't want to.
Is ask your DH and DC's what they think. If you do decide to host her then I'd be changing things up. Could she come Christmas Day morning and go back Boxing Day morning?
From what you've said, I'm surprised you've been as tolerant as you have been.

My Mum is dead but if she was still alive my siblings and I would be fighting over who would host her. She'd be so welcome in all our homes. Invite your Mum, it could be her last Xmas.