Christmas Dilemma- WWYD?

[christmasstollen]

I am one of 4 children, all in our 60s. For the last 10 years my brother and I had arranged alternating hosting my widowed mother for Christmas (other 2 'children' stay on their own and have refused to host for the last 40 years). Except that my brother always makes an excuse and so we (DH, DCs and I) have hosted my mum every year.

After the last couple of Christmases with no thanks afterwards I put my foot down and told my brother we aren't having mum this Christmas its his turn. He agreed but has just phoned to say he's going abroad with his girlfriend so obviously can't host. I didn't want to be manipulated into having her so I said that was fine and mum would have to be on her own. Phoned mum who knew the new plans, said it was fine and she would have lunch with exDIL (Brother's ExWife) and just have a plate of vegetables (was very woe is me). Brother is the Golden Child so no blame on him wanting to go somewhere sunny, all the unsaid blame on me for not offering to host that instant.

I'm in a real quandary of what to do. On the one hand brother is getting what he wants and I'm the 'bad child' for letting mum be on her own, on the other hand he always gets away with it and the last few years I've not received any thanks for the immense amount of laundry/cooking/cleaning over 4 days.

Complicating things is that mum up until this year has been in exceptional health and is very spritely for a 90 year old. This year she's had some serious health scares and family are whispering 'what if it's her last Christmas?'

An option is to pay for her to stay in a local hotel and do pick ups/drop offs as well as pay for a taxi to bring her and take her back either side of Christmas but this would all cost £500ish which neither of us have. Any opinions welcome.

For voting:
YABU- Host your mum for what could be her last Christmas
YANBU- Don't host her as this is your brother's responsibility

I've always refused to host for anything, but particularly Christmas, nor have I ever accepted invites to go elsewhere.
Saves a load of trouble further down the line.

The problem is two fold.

Golden boy doesnt care, so you not having your mum isnt going to make him change his plans or give a shiny shite. He is a selfish shit who will do what he wants and not give another thought to her or you. I wouldnt be buying him a gift, lets put it that way.

As for your mum, well she doesnt exactly sound like a prize either and I applaud your siblings for being LC with her given how she treated them. What is your mums living arrangement at home? Does she have carers or similar? The fact is that what you are doing is not hosting, but being a carer and I wonder if her health issues have tipped over into needing more help than she is currently getting, and more than you can provide.

Hosting someone who is a PITA and demanding is a world away from being a full time nurse for best part of a week.

Don't host her. Never again. Let her wallow in her self-pity with her plate of vegetables.

Sit and have a ponder as to why you feel ANY obligation to host. Work on getting rid of it.

Your mother is reaping what she has sowed - or she will, when you give yourself a shake and refuse to be bullied into putting up with this any longer.

I'm sorry OP, but I posted earlier without reading the full thread (my DH brought my dinner through, and there were a lot of posts between when I read your OP, and when I actually posted my comment). Anyway, I'm sorry because having now read your later post at 22:58, I feel that I misjudged the situation and now think that you would be perfectly justified in not having your Mother join you at Christmas, it seems that she creates an awful lot of extra work for you, and as you don't really get on well at the best of times, to not even receive a really heart felt 'Thank You', after going to all that trouble, she sounds like quite a mean spirited woman, so I would now let her go and spend Christmas with your brother's ex-wife, and not feel guilty about it at all, obviously your brother doesn't.

I really wish taxi's were free so it would just be her coming in the am and leaving in the pm. She's not exactly mother of the year. You have been a good daughter, I am not sure I would have someone in my home who made a pass at my dh.

Your poor older siblings.

It must be terrible for them to have been treated so poorly by your awful mother.

Yet you host her year in year out.

She'll hardly be mourned having left such a legacy.

It's on the OPs OP "......and the last few years I've not received any thanks for the immense amount of laundry/cooking/cleaning over 4 days."

I think the issue with "let EX SIL host her" is the assumption that ex SIL wants to host her and has even been asked, let alone offered. If the OP and her ex SIL have a good relationship, this could sour that.

And lets be honest, the mother probably isnt going to go there anyway. she is using that as a manipulation to get the OP to cave, and if the OP doesnt cave it will end with "Oh well.....I was just left alone as no one wanted me".

I would call the ex SIL first and see what she feels about this new arrangement, or whether she indeed even knows about it!

After reading your update I change my mind. If she's alone on Christmas, she is reaping what she sowed. I wouldn't feel guilty. If she complained, I might even tell her she owes the children not speaking to her a huge apology. Maybe, if they're generous, she can salvage something.

OPTIONS -

1. DB is going away, leaving his house empty. Everyone gather there for Christmas day/lunch, make a mess, leave dishes wherever and when you've finished you can all go to your own places, leaving the mess for him to clean up when he returns!
2. Book a meal somewhere which is good for you all so you don't have the stress of catering to everyone's needs & wants, and you'll be relaxed with your DM.
3. Go with DM to the other relatives, and enjoy yourselves while someone else looks after cooking and the hassles.
4. Invite your DM to yours, knowing you'll all be comfortable in your house.
5. Call up wherever your DB is going and cancel, or re-book them into single rooms on separate floors with no views and no wifi! Offer to help them pack and slip some food into their cases, the type that isn't allowed into the other country, and don't forget the little bags of soap powder hidden in their luggage - well, they may need to wash clothes when away & who needs to take a huge box with them?!
6. Order a shitload of cement to be dropped off outside their front door while they're away!

I'd go for 1 or 2.
Enjoy the time you have with your DM, then if - God forbid - it is her last Christmas, at least you know she felt loved by you and your family, loved enough for you all to change your plans with her in mind!!
Then, in the NY, you can arrange for her to go to DBs at Easter, but forget to pre-warn him!

I would invite her for lunch, so round trip for the day.
Can she afford to pay for the taxi? Or can one of your dc pick her up and she could perhaps get a taxi back home?
You don't have space to accommodate her. I wouldn't let her have a bedroom bc you have children/granchildren who need it.
Also the fact that she's old doesn't give her the right to be rude.

She won't be alone. If you don't want to host her don't. It could be anyone's last Christmas, I don't think that's enough of a reason to put up with someone you don't want to especially as you've hosted her plenty of times recently.

For me the very fact you are asking this tells me the answer is -NO, don't host your mum this Christmas. She clearly doesn't enhance your festivities or bring you joy and you are as entitled to a happy day as she is or your brother is.

People in life or on MN will constantly bleat on about 'but she's your mum' completely ignoring the fact that some women who give birth end up being awful or inadequate mothers. I'm assuming this is the case here. If she was a wonderful mum you wouldn't even be asking this question. You and your siblings would be fighting to host her and overjoyed to be seeing her.

Ime there’s always one sibling who bears all the responsibility for these kinds of things and it’s usually a woman. My brother is the same unfortunately.

Personally, I would host my mother anyway. She’ll likely still think the sun shines out of your siblings arses, but at least you’ll be doing the right thing.

I put YANBU without even reading the updates because in the OP you used the phrase 'golden child' and I knew straight away this woman was a narcissist.
Having read the updates I am even firmer in my belief that she deserves to be alone for Christmas.
Covering up the sexual abuse of her own children.
No.
Fuck her. And fuck your brother too for letting you down.
Have a nice Christmas and don't allow the responsibility of your mother to be foisted onto you any more. You've done more than enough

Thanks for coming back OP and giving a bit more context, I did wonder whether there was a backstory. I’m sorry to hear that - since you have independent reason to not want Mum there (and you’ve done more than your fair share of hosting, literally) I would let her go to ex-SIL for the day and enjoy the festivities with your DH/DCs.

Also, please ignore all the guilt tripping posters on here. Not sure why this post has attracted so many but I doubt they’ll be back to revise their view in light of your updates.

This, all the vile guilt tripping posters 'aww your poor frail mum' disgust me.
SHE SUPPORTS A CHILD SEX OFFENDER OVER HER OWN CHILDREN. Mommy Dearest indeed.

I voted YABU after reading the OP but now having read the whole story YANBU for sure . It would be a kindness to leave her in familiar circumstances . She sounds a miserable old bat who makes Christmas less enjoyable for others. Put your own family first after all this time. She could go on for years yet!

The brother can’t go on holiday every year, it’s doubly expensive at Christmas.

Even if he did manage to evade it again next year, he can’t do so and still go to OPs house himself.

Therefore, the mother is just one extra guest.

If you do decide to host your mum, get super organised well in advance and be willing to delegate and ask for help so that everybody knows well in advance what they are responsible for….and so that they can start thinking and saving.

Ask your db to come help you re-organise and move the furniture before he flies off. And to make up his mum’s bed. It’s the least he can do. And ask him to come straight after his holiday to put it all back again.

Do ask your db for money for the taxi at least. And get him to book it all well in advance as well as pay for it up front. Even if he gets the money from your mum, it means that’s one less expense and one less responsibility for you to worry about.

Consider making it 3 nights not 4. For example, they are welcome any time Saturday afternoon after lunch and leave Tuesday morning after brunch.

Book a pub for either Sunday lunch or Boxing Day brunch well in advance.

Explain to your adult Dc that you need extra help this year and invite them to be responsible for cooking and clearing one meal each.
Then make a plan well in advance for the rest of the catering including a supermarket ready prepared Christmas meal so that you don’t have to do all the veg prep and cooking from scratch.

Ask your DC to bring their own drinks and snacks.

Ask your DC each to suggest and organise an appropriate activity / game.

Book a cleaner now, for the Saturday morning before and the Wednesday after.

Look for cheap second hand bedding in charity shops and have a pile ready laundered in advance for your mum’s bed. Use big flat incontinence pads underneath her. Then bundle it all in black bin bags each morning instead of laundering it.

Hope it goes well for you all.

OMG, you're a saint having put up with this for so many years. Tell them all "NO!" And be done with it.

It might be her last Christmas? Well you have had plenty of Christmases with her for the memories (most not particularly pleasant by thr sounds of it). How many have they all had?

Oh and don't invite your lazy arse excuse for a brother in future either.

Wow. That's hard. Not sure.

Read your update, especially the sexual abuse she overlooked. She’s not going to be alone, Ex DIL can cook, and I’m sure they won’t have a plate of veg. Just say with COL you can’t afford to pay £500 for hotel and taxi there and back. Yes it might be her last Christmas, but she might have 5-10 more, but let’s face it, she’s made her bed and I’d focus on my own children not her

Having read your updates, I’d encourage her to spend Xmas day with ex brothers wife and then go to visit her in her home the day after Boxing Day fully loaded with left over Xmas meal, crackers, gifts.

alternatively visit her the day after Boxing Day and take her out for a nice roast. Other family members can meet her too and pay for themselves.

another option is to explain you’re short of space this year and if she can pay for her accommodation and her taxis, then she can be with you during the day and you will coordinate meals

Wow. After the sexual abuse by the uncle update there’s a whole new angle to your question. Honestly, you really should reap what you sow, even at 90 years of age.

If you end up hosting her op, as you’ve done so all these years it’ll be over and above what you should be expected to do given the history with her, but god if you decide not to, there ain’t many here that’ll blame you. I think the thing to do is imagine how you’ll feel in January, when it’s all finished and done. Would you regret not having her? As I said, not a bit of judgement here at all - I don’t think your mum deserves Xmas with you after your update. Just think of yourself for once and how you’ll feel. Not anyone else. If you think you’ll feel ok about her going to ex-dil, go with that. No guilt.