Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 13 14 15 ··· 31 32

Original poster

Christmas Dilemma- WWYD?

784 replies

christmasstollen · 31/10/2023 16:39

I am one of 4 children, all in our 60s. For the last 10 years my brother and I had arranged alternating hosting my widowed mother for Christmas (other 2 'children' stay on their own and have refused to host for the last 40 years). Except that my brother always makes an excuse and so we (DH, DCs and I) have hosted my mum every year.

After the last couple of Christmases with no thanks afterwards I put my foot down and told my brother we aren't having mum this Christmas its his turn. He agreed but has just phoned to say he's going abroad with his girlfriend so obviously can't host. I didn't want to be manipulated into having her so I said that was fine and mum would have to be on her own. Phoned mum who knew the new plans, said it was fine and she would have lunch with exDIL (Brother's ExWife) and just have a plate of vegetables (was very woe is me). Brother is the Golden Child so no blame on him wanting to go somewhere sunny, all the unsaid blame on me for not offering to host that instant.

I'm in a real quandary of what to do. On the one hand brother is getting what he wants and I'm the 'bad child' for letting mum be on her own, on the other hand he always gets away with it and the last few years I've not received any thanks for the immense amount of laundry/cooking/cleaning over 4 days.

Complicating things is that mum up until this year has been in exceptional health and is very spritely for a 90 year old. This year she's had some serious health scares and family are whispering 'what if it's her last Christmas?'

An option is to pay for her to stay in a local hotel and do pick ups/drop offs as well as pay for a taxi to bring her and take her back either side of Christmas but this would all cost £500ish which neither of us have. Any opinions welcome.

For voting:
YABU- Host your mum for what could be her last Christmas
YANBU- Don't host her as this is your brother's responsibility

OP posts:

Kpcs · 31/10/2023 23:29

I wouldn’t offer to have her sheerly because of her previous relationship. It’s not like she’ll be on her own, she said she’d spend it with ex dil. Look after yourself. Just because she might be on her last legs doesn’t mean you should be put at inconvenience and potential trauma to accommodate her when she won’t appreciate it anyway!
I wouldn’t be able to forgive her for doing that to my children, truly awful.

Snugglemonkey · 31/10/2023 23:30

HMW1906 · 31/10/2023 17:15

Think about it this way…. How would you feel if it did end up being her last Christmas and you let her spend it alone?

Shes 90, she probably hasn’t got many Christmas’s left and then she won’t be a problem anymore so just suck it up and host her.

You are guilty tripping op without knowing why she is making this decision. It is really unfair.

wanttokickoffbutcant · 31/10/2023 23:31

I voted YABU although you aren't regarding your brother - I just couldn't leave my mother out of Christmas. I am only 50 and lost my mother sixteen years ago and I would kill for a Christmas with her. My widowed MIL is 89 and has just had a fall and fractured her pelvis. Wouldn't dream of leaving her alone this year although it is going to be a pain.

I also have a brother who completely bows out of any family commitments unless they suit him so I understand your frustration.

Snugglemonkey · 31/10/2023 23:33

Zanatdy · 31/10/2023 17:22

I’d host my mum, she’s 90, it could well be her last Christmas and she’s raised 4 kids and none can host her? Obviously it’s not just down to you but I’d have to step in, or live with a lifetime of regret.

Does that not say something about the mum though?

Canisaysomething · 31/10/2023 23:34

She’s made her bed and now she is lying in it. If she tries to pile on the guilt then tell her she’d have much more options if she hadn’t excused her eldest children’s abuse. Let her be along this Christmas.

Sugarfree23 · 31/10/2023 23:36

Op I think you sound worn out. Adult kids as well as your DH.

How important is Christmas, 25th December, to you really?
Could you and DH go to her for a few days?

Then host your kids for New Year a proper celebration without the stress she puts on you.

Or second thoughts do it the other way round. Host kids for Christmas and visit her for the New Year

Original poster

christmasstollen · 31/10/2023 23:38

@HappySonHappyMum Lots of parallels in your post to my experience! I especially laughed at your username as well. Ditto @PokeyLaFarge !

I did laugh at the posters telling me to buy a plane ticket for her and tell DB she's coming!

Yes I do expect thanks for 4 days of 3 meals every day and endless drinks, snacks, organising activities and lets not mention the washing up. When I put the turkey and trimmings on they table I love to hear "Thanks mum!' and 'Looks delicious thank you!' from my DC and DH. I've also brought them up to send a card (these days a message) thanking the host afterwards and no its not too much to ask for one thank you after a free holiday and all-you-can-eat buffet!

OP posts:

Crumpleton · 31/10/2023 23:39

I'ts hard to change and say enough is enough if you've always been the giver but there truly does come a time when you've got to.
I think having read your up dates I'd think long and hard before you cave and say you'll have her.
I always say people never remember all the many good things you've done for them over the years but chose instead to play on that one time you've said no.

And unless your brother intends to go on holiday at Christmas time every year I'd never again invite him to any event, ever.

Fi269 · 31/10/2023 23:39

Alternative plan:
Rent an Airbnb on the coast near DM's house for the Christmas break. You can enjoy a holiday with your kids and their partners and see as much (or as little) as you want of your mum but not have to get involved with her personal care or domestic arrangements.

Order ready prepared Xmas lunch from M&S and cook it at her place or the AirBnb - or go for festive lunch at a pub or restaurant.

Amybelle88 · 31/10/2023 23:39

Ducking hell.

I hope my kids never argue about who has to host me for Christmas - this is so sad 😞

My mum is with me every year and I wouldn't have it any other way - they're not here forever. Granted I know not everyone has a great relationship with their parents (I'm NC with my dad) but this just made me sad.

Theydontknowthatweknowthattheyknow · 31/10/2023 23:40

OP regardless of the fact she's your mum it's clear that this is not an easy woman to tolerate and tbh I don't blame your siblings at all for not wanting contact. If you want to pander to her then that's your choice as a grown adult just as it's your sibling's choice not to. You are going to have to accept that your siblings don't feel responsible for this woman's happiness (likely because she didn't take responsibility for their happiness when they most depended on her) Host her or don't host her but accept that your siblings are checked out. If mum lays on the guilt trip then tell her in black and white the ways she's made her bed. Life's too short. Accept what you won't change and concentrate on what you do have control over

barbieofswanlake · 31/10/2023 23:42

@christmasstollen this is such a hard situation for you and you've shown so much resilience in providing years of charitable kindness to your underserving mother. It is very very hard balancing what you feel is just and fair for you to do for a parent who has never quite crossed that line "enough" that you can cut them off, not without all the guilt and angst that would go with that. I speak from the experience of a very close friend who I have watched struggle with this exact dilemma year on year - you could be that person if you have changed a few details - and I will just say next year do something - anything - to make yourself completely unavailable. Book a holiday before your brother? Put yourself first for once.

Ohmylovejune · 31/10/2023 23:42

Is this argument about you and your siblings?

Pity your Mum caught in the crossfire!

I spent Christmas Eve with my Mum in 2021, but not Christmas Day as we went to other family. She was ill first on that Christmas Day, and gone by the May. What I'd give for one more Christmas.

Unless there's some major issue over hosting her, don't do something you are likely to live to regret. Your poor Mum, 90 and alone at Christmas.

HelloItsMeHowAreYou · 31/10/2023 23:44

Amybelle88 · 31/10/2023 23:39

Ducking hell.

I hope my kids never argue about who has to host me for Christmas - this is so sad 😞

If 2 of your kids told you they were sexually abused and you didnt believe them and told them not to ever speak of it again, you will deserve for none to want to host you.

@christmasstollen brings your kids into making the decision. Not just you. They know how old she is, that she has been ill, but also must know what a rude old bat she sounds and may actually want some time just with you and their dad. I would go with how they feel tbh.

Humblebottomous · 31/10/2023 23:45

Why not host your mother and invite brothers ex-wife while you’re at it 😉

chaosmaker · 31/10/2023 23:50

@christmasstollen It's your xmas too so do what you want to do. This site is weird for sainting parents whether or not they deserve it.

7catsisnotenough · 31/10/2023 23:59

We've spent over 30 years doing things because "it could be her last Christmas/Mother's Day etc...she's 103,still living at home with support and meanwhile nobody else gets to establish their own "family traditions" because everything revolves around what if..! Our family has five generations and we're all stuck doing it "this way" because 😞
Life's too short OP, go with your conscience and don't let others sway you 💐

WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive · 01/11/2023 00:01

This is your mum?!

Im dumbfounded.

Happilyobtuse · 01/11/2023 00:02

Can’t believe people are fighting over who should host their mum like it is a punishment, with no one really wanting to?! Just bizarre! Is there some huge backstory which we don’t know?! I would be fighting my siblings tooth and nail to have my mum with me! I lost my dad long ago and I would want to spend all the time I can with my mum. Life is too short, spend time with her, show your children and grand children how to treat family with love and kindness even in their old age.

Cornishclio · 01/11/2023 00:03

Given your mums treatment of your siblings and the back story of her behaviour with your DH in the past I would lean towards letting her stay with your brothers ex wife particularly if she isn't local. Or tell her you don't have the room this year as you weren't expecting to host her so the spare room has been allocated to your DC.

Original poster

christmasstollen · 01/11/2023 00:04

No point asking DB for money for taxi/hotel, he's perpetually broke and borrows thousands at a time from mum.

To explain the 'only having a plate of vegetables', its just mum trying to guilt trip me. She has always eaten meat, usually when I put an ENTIRE chicken breast on her plate she complains it would last her a whole week at home, and then I think of all the mumsnetters who would agree with her and have a good chuckle to myself! (She does eat the whole breast by the way and then says no wonder the family is getting fat).

I'm going to bed now but will resume where I left off (page 5!) tomorrow. Thank you for all your comments so far.

OP posts:

Sugarfree23 · 01/11/2023 00:15

Amybelle88 · 31/10/2023 23:39

Ducking hell.

I hope my kids never argue about who has to host me for Christmas - this is so sad 😞

Ducking hell I'd hope you wouldn't turn a blind eye to sex abuse of your children either.

The mother is 90, Op has adult kids of her own and a poorly husband. Ops probably in her 60s. Which some on here would consider elderly herself. Give her a break!

Mygosh · 01/11/2023 00:24

Changed my mind too. I couldn't tolerate my mother doing that. I'd be no contact. Have yourself a merry Xmas away from her.

Pegsmum · 01/11/2023 00:25

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 31/10/2023 23:16

I'm sorry for your loss ... But that doesn't make sense either! Why moan about hosting her and now moan that you can't? If it was awful hosting her, then be pleased now that you don't have to?

Show quote history

Probably because I feel guilty about moaning as I didn’t realise how much she’d be missed, so can’t say I’m pleased.

momonpurpose · 01/11/2023 00:28

Op forget my response it was before I knew she'd hit on your dh. Wow! You do your Christmas anyway you want!

Flip

1 2 ··· 13 14 15 ··· 31 32