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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas Dilemma- WWYD?

784 replies

christmasstollen · 31/10/2023 16:39

I am one of 4 children, all in our 60s. For the last 10 years my brother and I had arranged alternating hosting my widowed mother for Christmas (other 2 'children' stay on their own and have refused to host for the last 40 years). Except that my brother always makes an excuse and so we (DH, DCs and I) have hosted my mum every year.

After the last couple of Christmases with no thanks afterwards I put my foot down and told my brother we aren't having mum this Christmas its his turn. He agreed but has just phoned to say he's going abroad with his girlfriend so obviously can't host. I didn't want to be manipulated into having her so I said that was fine and mum would have to be on her own. Phoned mum who knew the new plans, said it was fine and she would have lunch with exDIL (Brother's ExWife) and just have a plate of vegetables (was very woe is me). Brother is the Golden Child so no blame on him wanting to go somewhere sunny, all the unsaid blame on me for not offering to host that instant.

I'm in a real quandary of what to do. On the one hand brother is getting what he wants and I'm the 'bad child' for letting mum be on her own, on the other hand he always gets away with it and the last few years I've not received any thanks for the immense amount of laundry/cooking/cleaning over 4 days.

Complicating things is that mum up until this year has been in exceptional health and is very spritely for a 90 year old. This year she's had some serious health scares and family are whispering 'what if it's her last Christmas?'

An option is to pay for her to stay in a local hotel and do pick ups/drop offs as well as pay for a taxi to bring her and take her back either side of Christmas but this would all cost £500ish which neither of us have. Any opinions welcome.

For voting:
YABU- Host your mum for what could be her last Christmas
YANBU- Don't host her as this is your brother's responsibility

OP posts:
PoisonJuicy · 31/10/2023 22:55

Wow. She is your Mother. Why is this even an issue?

Notalldogs23 · 31/10/2023 22:58

I'd host her, but for just for on night if possible, not for 4 days, so you can have a chill 26th or 27th.

And for Xmas 25, if your mum is still alive, our brother doesn't get an invite to your place, at least that way you don't have to see your mum fawn over him. Tell him you're just not able to host a big family Xmas anymore, getting too old.

Original poster
christmasstollen · 31/10/2023 22:58

Wow I know its a cliche but I really didn't expect so many people to respond! I will do my best to start answering questions and comments.

I was trying not to be biased so didn't include any backstory. My eldest two siblings are very LC with mum because when we were children they were sexually abused by an 'uncle'. They told mum and she didn't believe them and told them to never talk about it again. They left home as soon as they were adults and now have a distant relationship with the family as a whole.

I don't get on well with mum after decades of jibes and nasty comments and she has a few times said she would be a better match for my DH and 'came onto him' as the kids say. Thankfully that's not an issue anymore but we've always had a fractious relationship.

OP posts:
5YearsLeft · 31/10/2023 22:58

Something is really wrong here.

I voted you are not being unreasonable, because there are FOUR children, and two of them have refused to be involved for FORTY years, which means they obviously can’t care much if it’s her last Christmas. And as you say, your brother, the third of four children, who also doesn’t give a shit if it’s her last Christmas, is the golden child, AND has also never taken up hosting duties like he said he would.

I imagine there is an absolutely HUGE back story as to why three out of four children will not host this woman, not even her golden child, and why OP finds even just four days thankless and unbearable. And when OP finally said she couldn’t stand it anymore, her brother booked a holiday abroad so that there was no possible way he could do it.

So yes, something very, very wrong here. Not every parent is the loving, nurturing person that their children might need, and some things are so big that they don’t get automatically forgiven when the person reaches 90.

OP, make your own decision about your own mental well-being and if any “family” want to whisper about it possibly being her last Christmas, they can host her. In fact, why are they whispering instead of offering to begin with?

5YearsLeft · 31/10/2023 23:02

@christmasstollen Sorry; absolutely cross-posted with you at the exact same moment. But yes, I assumed it would involve SA of some kind to be that big of a rift. I feel terrible for your other siblings, and the information about how your mother has treated you is pretty terrible too. I don’t care if she’s 90. Make your Christmas gift to yourself going NC, and maybe try to repair your relationship with your other siblings by inviting them at some point during the season and telling them your mother is no longer welcome. I thought it before and think it even more strongly now: YANBU.

Bobbotgegrinch · 31/10/2023 23:03

christmasstollen · 31/10/2023 22:58

Wow I know its a cliche but I really didn't expect so many people to respond! I will do my best to start answering questions and comments.

I was trying not to be biased so didn't include any backstory. My eldest two siblings are very LC with mum because when we were children they were sexually abused by an 'uncle'. They told mum and she didn't believe them and told them to never talk about it again. They left home as soon as they were adults and now have a distant relationship with the family as a whole.

I don't get on well with mum after decades of jibes and nasty comments and she has a few times said she would be a better match for my DH and 'came onto him' as the kids say. Thankfully that's not an issue anymore but we've always had a fractious relationship.

Oh, in that case I change my advice, don't invite your Mum either, why put the effort in for someone you don't like?

laclochette · 31/10/2023 23:04

Thanks for your update OP. It makes a lot more sense now, as well as being so sad to read. It's not just a question of sharing the "load" of hosting. You're talking about sharing the burden of a lot of trauma.

Original poster
christmasstollen · 31/10/2023 23:04

To answer those asking about the hotel, I have one spare room which she has historically stayed in. I usually have two of my children and their DPs for Christmas and they stay in the conservatory or our insulated garage. One DC, having heard the plans that DGM would not be coming has asked for the spare room as they don't have much money these days. Other DC is better off and happy to stay in the hotel.

The £500 covers 3 nights in the hotel and the taxi there and back. Mum lives a couple of hours away on the coast and I was quoted £200 for a return trip.

Mum isn't so well at night which means the bedding has to be changed everyday, once I factor in setting up beds and spaces for my 2 DC as well the laundry and moving furniture part of Christmas starts to get difficult. DH has a deteriorating condition which means he can't do very much to help at all apart from sit in front of the telly!

OP posts:
AmyByTheTrain · 31/10/2023 23:05

Your update changed my mind drastically. In that case, definitely YANBU at all and should not feel bad about not hosting her.

Notalldogs23 · 31/10/2023 23:05

Just saw your update - give her Xmas lunch and drop her home the same day. And tell her you're thinking of coping golden boy brother and going away next Xmas, but you know he's really keen to have her for an Xmas so that'll be next year.

Beautiful3 · 31/10/2023 23:06

No ither sibling will have my dad because they're selfish people, so I have him every year. But he was a good and kind father to me, but if he easnt i wouldnt worryabout him at xmas. I've read your updates, and I would honestly say I'm not hosting this year as I need a break.

diddl · 31/10/2023 23:06

Good lord she's an absolute horror!

she has a few times said she would be a better match for my DH and 'came onto him' as the kids say.

And he has had to put up with her at Christmas for the past 10yrs?

Moderateorgoodoccasionallyverypoor · 31/10/2023 23:07

Notalldogs23 · 31/10/2023 23:05

Just saw your update - give her Xmas lunch and drop her home the same day. And tell her you're thinking of coping golden boy brother and going away next Xmas, but you know he's really keen to have her for an Xmas so that'll be next year.

She lives a couple of hours away, op can’t really drop her home.

nettie434 · 31/10/2023 23:11

I'm glad you updated @christmasstollen but it is really sad that for every poster who thought there must be a back story, there were more who questioned your right not to host her.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 31/10/2023 23:14

WeighDownOnMe · 31/10/2023 16:48

You'd leave a 90 year old without either of her children on Christmas Day to spite your brother, who has fucked off anyway and doesn't care either way?

Why should op host her mother for the eleventy billionth time when she has three siblings, none of whom host?

And when her mum hasn't said thank you for the last few years she's hosted, and just expects op to host??

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 31/10/2023 23:16

Pegsmum · 31/10/2023 16:49

My advice would be to rise above it and host your mum. I honestly understand your annoyance at your brother, I had no choice either and hosted every Christmas-and dreaded it.
Now she’s gone I wish I was moaning about having to host her.

I'm sorry for your loss ... But that doesn't make sense either! Why moan about hosting her and now moan that you can't? If it was awful hosting her, then be pleased now that you don't have to?

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 31/10/2023 23:20

Twiglets1 · 31/10/2023 17:12

She is only one extra guest.

I would suck it up this year and tell your brother he has to host next year.

But what good would that do?? She and her b have been supposed to share hosting for the past ten years yet op has hosted every year...

Original poster
christmasstollen · 31/10/2023 23:20

I will absolutely be taking the advice to cut down on the cooking from scratch this year as I've found 2023 quite draining overall.

Taxis seem to be the only option simply because in years gone by my brother would drop her off (Have lunch, grab presents etc) and then one of my DC would drop her back but this year he's on holiday and they're both stressed and too busy to do it.

There isn't any compromise on the 4 days as she finds travelling tiring. She may be one person but she creates an endless amount of dirty mugs and plates and hankies that need to be washed! Yes she does expect to be waited on hand and foot.

And yes posters are right, I am resentful of my brother getting away with doing sweet fanny adams whilst I get it in the neck trying to keep some semblance of family together.

OP posts:
TheSpikySpinosaurus · 31/10/2023 23:21

HMW1906 · 31/10/2023 17:15

Think about it this way…. How would you feel if it did end up being her last Christmas and you let her spend it alone?

Shes 90, she probably hasn’t got many Christmas’s left and then she won’t be a problem anymore so just suck it up and host her.

Omg. She could live another ten years! Don't put this shit on op, who has done more than her share.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 31/10/2023 23:22

Rosiem2808 · 31/10/2023 17:17

OP. If she dies you will never forgive yourself for turning her away at Christmas

Oh fuck off with this. Didn't you read the op?? Op has hosted her mum for years and her three siblings have never hosted. Don't you dare blame op.

SherbetDips · 31/10/2023 23:23

I’d never allow my mother to be alone at Xmas or any day of the week.

PercyPigInAWig · 31/10/2023 23:26

christmasstollen · 31/10/2023 22:58

Wow I know its a cliche but I really didn't expect so many people to respond! I will do my best to start answering questions and comments.

I was trying not to be biased so didn't include any backstory. My eldest two siblings are very LC with mum because when we were children they were sexually abused by an 'uncle'. They told mum and she didn't believe them and told them to never talk about it again. They left home as soon as they were adults and now have a distant relationship with the family as a whole.

I don't get on well with mum after decades of jibes and nasty comments and she has a few times said she would be a better match for my DH and 'came onto him' as the kids say. Thankfully that's not an issue anymore but we've always had a fractious relationship.

Don’t host her, I don’t think I’d have remained in contact after her behaviour.

Sometimes people reap what they sow.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 31/10/2023 23:27

Doesn't your mum have cash to pay for her own taxis?

If she's soiling the bed every night at tours, how does she cope at home?

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 31/10/2023 23:28

SherbetDips · 31/10/2023 23:23

I’d never allow my mother to be alone at Xmas or any day of the week.

Oh ffs, read the updates

diddl · 31/10/2023 23:28

Don’t host her, I don’t think I’d have remained in contact after her behaviour.

That's my take on it as well.

Easier said than done I suppose.