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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas Dilemma- WWYD?

784 replies

christmasstollen · 31/10/2023 16:39

I am one of 4 children, all in our 60s. For the last 10 years my brother and I had arranged alternating hosting my widowed mother for Christmas (other 2 'children' stay on their own and have refused to host for the last 40 years). Except that my brother always makes an excuse and so we (DH, DCs and I) have hosted my mum every year.

After the last couple of Christmases with no thanks afterwards I put my foot down and told my brother we aren't having mum this Christmas its his turn. He agreed but has just phoned to say he's going abroad with his girlfriend so obviously can't host. I didn't want to be manipulated into having her so I said that was fine and mum would have to be on her own. Phoned mum who knew the new plans, said it was fine and she would have lunch with exDIL (Brother's ExWife) and just have a plate of vegetables (was very woe is me). Brother is the Golden Child so no blame on him wanting to go somewhere sunny, all the unsaid blame on me for not offering to host that instant.

I'm in a real quandary of what to do. On the one hand brother is getting what he wants and I'm the 'bad child' for letting mum be on her own, on the other hand he always gets away with it and the last few years I've not received any thanks for the immense amount of laundry/cooking/cleaning over 4 days.

Complicating things is that mum up until this year has been in exceptional health and is very spritely for a 90 year old. This year she's had some serious health scares and family are whispering 'what if it's her last Christmas?'

An option is to pay for her to stay in a local hotel and do pick ups/drop offs as well as pay for a taxi to bring her and take her back either side of Christmas but this would all cost £500ish which neither of us have. Any opinions welcome.

For voting:
YABU- Host your mum for what could be her last Christmas
YANBU- Don't host her as this is your brother's responsibility

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 31/10/2023 21:43

How truly awful. None of this lady's 4 children want to host her for what could be her last Christmas and want to make her sit there all day alone.
She must have been a God awful mother.
Your siblings are shits.

PetsAreBetter · 31/10/2023 21:45

Your brother could have chosen to go a few days after Christmas, so that was inconsiderate. I wouldn't leave my mother on her own. It sounds like you need to scale down Christmas though. Clearly it's hard work and a burden for you, so make it simpler. Simpler food, simpler activities. There must be a way to make it easier and more enjoyable for you.

MarryingMrDarcy · 31/10/2023 21:49

billy1966 · 31/10/2023 21:28

3 out of 4 of her children have zero interest in her, even her golden son.

Her daughter who does the unappreciated thankless job for years is guilted and blamed even when it is golden boy who again refuses to share the holiday.

The OP is entitled to a holiday with her family if she is going to be blamed anyway.

A good point. He is the favourite and at the same time somehow manages to avoid hosting Mum for Christmas every year. What is up with Mum that she doesn’t call out his shitty behaviour?

As an aside, why are there mothers out there who think the sun shines out of their sons arses no matter how feckless/reckless they are, whilst their daughters pick up the slack and seemingly never manage to become the favourite? Maybe OP never will be, no matter how many Christmases she organises, and she has finally worked this out?

Nazzywish · 31/10/2023 21:51

Was she really that horrid a mother that all 4 of you can't stand to have her for even one day? You brother obviously is awful for going back on his word but the fact that noone wants her for a few hours is truly sad if she were a good mother to you all. Sometimes local pubs etc do Xmas lunch for elderly people who've been left by themselves or got no family.

Aphroditee · 31/10/2023 21:53

Ger1atricMillennial · 31/10/2023 21:42

The OP has done more than her fair share. This is not unreasonable, she looks after her mother for every Christmas for 4 days every year, and clearly needs a break.

It is more depressing that there are people on here are making this about themselves and calling people names i.e. "Stuck-up grown assed babies" while declaring that they "could never" leave someone alone for Christmas. But are not actually being compassionate to the OP.

She needs a break. What can she do?

Show quote history

The OP needs a break from what exactly?

Having 1 extra person in her house for 4 days?

Jesus. I dread to think what carnage a 90 year old woman will cause over 4 days. Cannot bear the thought. Round up the troops.

The OP is fully entitled to not host her mother. She knows that. She can do whatever the hell she likes. Her siblings obviously don’t care about their mother.

The only one affected in all this will be a lonely 90 year old woman in ill health, which is even more depressing than being offended at my “stuck-up grown assed babies” comment.

RogueFemale · 31/10/2023 21:56

The mother has somewhere else to go. YANBU to refuse to be manipulated - again- into being the festive dogsbody.

nettie434 · 31/10/2023 21:56

This year she's had some serious health scares and family are whispering 'what if it's her last Christmas?'

So what family members are these, given that the OP is the only person to have hosted the mother in the past 10 years and it's 40 years since either of the other two siblings spent Christmas with her? They are in no position to criticise the OP.

I'm actually surprised that the vote and comments are so firmly in favour of the OP hosting her mother. The references to 'woe is me' and the brother being the golden child suggest that the mother is not the most gracious guest. I'd probably do it but I would still feel upset with the brother who has reneged on his promise to host Christmas.

BIossomtoes · 31/10/2023 21:56

She needs a break.

Why does she need a break? It’s four days, last time I looked there were 365 days in a year.

RogueFemale · 31/10/2023 21:58

MarryingMrDarcy · 31/10/2023 21:49

A good point. He is the favourite and at the same time somehow manages to avoid hosting Mum for Christmas every year. What is up with Mum that she doesn’t call out his shitty behaviour?

As an aside, why are there mothers out there who think the sun shines out of their sons arses no matter how feckless/reckless they are, whilst their daughters pick up the slack and seemingly never manage to become the favourite? Maybe OP never will be, no matter how many Christmases she organises, and she has finally worked this out?

Show quote history

Yup. Totally agree.

DisquietintheRanks · 31/10/2023 21:59

MarryingMrDarcy · 31/10/2023 21:49

A good point. He is the favourite and at the same time somehow manages to avoid hosting Mum for Christmas every year. What is up with Mum that she doesn’t call out his shitty behaviour?

As an aside, why are there mothers out there who think the sun shines out of their sons arses no matter how feckless/reckless they are, whilst their daughters pick up the slack and seemingly never manage to become the favourite? Maybe OP never will be, no matter how many Christmases she organises, and she has finally worked this out?

Show quote history

How should mum "call out" her son's shitty behaviour exactly? What should she say?
"I demand you join your sister in this game of pass the unwanted Christmas parcel"? "Cancel your holiday son, it's your turn to put up with me."
Should she beg?

Terrysnotmine · 31/10/2023 22:04

I’ve lost both my parents just over a year apart. Host her but be gracious about it, if you can’t be gracious, don’t bother

NumberTheory · 31/10/2023 22:04

Aphroditee · 31/10/2023 21:30

For me, the more the merrier at Christmas. Christmas is for family. All family.

Unless there’s a massive backstory and your mother is/has been abusive then I wouldn’t host.

But, if you have a good relationship then host her. Have her at your house. It’s one day.

Only on Mumsnet do stuck up grown assed babies have “dilemmas” because they can’t bare one extra person to be in their house on Christmas Day. So fucking depressing to read.

There’s an awful lot of space between “abusive” and “good relationship”.

And maybe you’d find things less depressing to read on MN if you tried reading what the OPs actually say instead of layering a watered down narrative over the top that suits your agenda to have a dig at posters you don’t know.

ApiratesaysYarrr · 31/10/2023 22:07

OP's mother has somewhere to go for Xmas, it's not like OP is leaving her all alone.

The comment about "I'll just have a plate of vegetables" immediately makes me think that mum likes to make passive aggressive comments (and may well explain why people don't want to host her every year).

I am still intrigued by how one woman can make loads of extra laundry, unless she has a continence issue.

mondaytosunday · 31/10/2023 22:10

For goodness sakes is it really 'hosting' when it's family? I'd give anything to have another Christmas with my mother.
If you have a bad relationship with her then say there are two other siblings too.

Ofcourseshecan · 31/10/2023 22:16

OP, I sympathise with you. DH and I are in the same position. MIL can’t travel any more, so DH and I go up to MIL’s and stay 5 or 6 days to do the whole Christmas thing with her. We haven’t had Christmas with our friends or my family for many years.

Her other offspring use her as a free cash machine but do nothing in return. They most definitely would leave her on her own over Christmas, just as they neglect her all year round and they feel no shame.

Sending you hugs and solidarity, whatever choice you make!

grumpycow1 · 31/10/2023 22:17

I would host her, I couldn’t leave my mum all alone. But it depends on your relationship.

Once mum passed, I would never ever speak to selfish brother again though! And other siblings could do one as well. What a knob.

LondonLass91 · 31/10/2023 22:19

Have her. And do it with good grace and good humour. Your brother doesn't have a family so may feel awkward hosting your mum alone, or just with new girlfriend. It is easier to blend a person in with a family. And while you are hosting, think of me..i'll have three 90+ year olds who have very little patience with kids, are all blind or deaf, so no games, a sister who doesn't drink, and a moany husband for Christmas. When i have very boisterous children who I will attempt to play with and spend time with even though their every noise will be tutted at. I dread it every year. I would love to swap places with you! Xx

Surroundedbyfools · 31/10/2023 22:25

YABU

not having ur mum over on Xmas to spite ur selfish brother Is petty. I don’t know ur relationship with ur mum so hard to say on that front. My dad passed away suddenly in his 50s and I would literally crawl over broken glass to have another Xmas with him. Life is too short to be spiteful !

Burpsandrustles · 31/10/2023 22:33

You've not said is she really nasty and abusive mum whose also hard work to host?.. My df was extremely hard work, and bad tempered and hard with physical issues.... Eg had to piss in our sink.

However I absolutely loved him and wanted Xmas with him as much as possible.

Dh parents make us feel down and depressed from how they approach Xmas... (wealthy and go into martyr drive) or make us feel awful about ourselves so we don't see them.

My dm was also extremely hard work but 100%loving and amazing and wondeful and fun and I would have happily hosted her until 150 years...

No matter what her issues where...

Moderateorgoodoccasionallyverypoor · 31/10/2023 22:33

DisingenuousBatshittery · 31/10/2023 20:02

Oooh Christmas Chicken, my favourite game. Sounds like OP is about to blink though.

😂 Christmas chicken. Love it.

Nomnomnom66 · 31/10/2023 22:36

Of course you shouldn't host her! Your brother is taking the piss. Stick to your guns. I'm in the same position. My dad is 80, a complete narcissist and he has a girlfriend. Every year we have offered to have him for Christmas and he's laughed and made it plain we're plan B. Inevitably, he has a row with her and ends up coming and being a pain in the arse. My brother has got away Scott free for a few years. I made it plain that this year we're not doing it no matter what. My brother can deal with it for a change and if he doesn't, dad can just deal. They're both a pain in my face.

Mamanyt · 31/10/2023 22:40

I voted not being unreasonable, because I get how you feel about this. THAT SAID, I would host my mum, and had you had the dubious pleasure of knowing my mum, you'd know that's saying A LOT! Should this, indeed, be her last Christmas, you're going to hear about it from now on, and most of what you hear will probably be in your own head. Just saying.

SoupDragon · 31/10/2023 22:41

One day you'll be old and a burden to your children who will be bickering amongst themselves about who has the chore of having you at Christmas.

What a horrible way to treat your mother. (And I mean all of you)

Quitelikeit · 31/10/2023 22:47

Attention seeking and questionable. Yawn.

laveritable · 31/10/2023 22:52

Very sad: considering ALL the sacrifices mums make!