Christmas Dilemma- WWYD?

[christmasstollen]

I am one of 4 children, all in our 60s. For the last 10 years my brother and I had arranged alternating hosting my widowed mother for Christmas (other 2 'children' stay on their own and have refused to host for the last 40 years). Except that my brother always makes an excuse and so we (DH, DCs and I) have hosted my mum every year.

After the last couple of Christmases with no thanks afterwards I put my foot down and told my brother we aren't having mum this Christmas its his turn. He agreed but has just phoned to say he's going abroad with his girlfriend so obviously can't host. I didn't want to be manipulated into having her so I said that was fine and mum would have to be on her own. Phoned mum who knew the new plans, said it was fine and she would have lunch with exDIL (Brother's ExWife) and just have a plate of vegetables (was very woe is me). Brother is the Golden Child so no blame on him wanting to go somewhere sunny, all the unsaid blame on me for not offering to host that instant.

I'm in a real quandary of what to do. On the one hand brother is getting what he wants and I'm the 'bad child' for letting mum be on her own, on the other hand he always gets away with it and the last few years I've not received any thanks for the immense amount of laundry/cooking/cleaning over 4 days.

Complicating things is that mum up until this year has been in exceptional health and is very spritely for a 90 year old. This year she's had some serious health scares and family are whispering 'what if it's her last Christmas?'

An option is to pay for her to stay in a local hotel and do pick ups/drop offs as well as pay for a taxi to bring her and take her back either side of Christmas but this would all cost £500ish which neither of us have. Any opinions welcome.

For voting:
YABU- Host your mum for what could be her last Christmas
YANBU- Don't host her as this is your brother's responsibility

Like pretty much everyone else, I’d have her over at Christmas and absolutely let rip at your selfish, cold arsehole of a brother. He’s disgusting to treat your mum like this for ten years running. Absolutely pathetic. I hope he expects absolutely no favours from any of you??

Just host her, I'm an only child therefore my widowed mum has to be with us every Christmas.

Exactly this, this makes me really sad. Your poor mum 😔

I am same as you except there is no other sibling. 25 years of Christmases not doing what I want. It sucks. 4 days is too long. Reduce to Xmas Eve tea to Boxing day afternoon. Forget cooking anything complicated. Forget presents. Minimal cleaning. No one notices, honestly

She (possibly) lives on her own and sounds more than capable of voicing her needs. I am all for looking after elders, but OP has done enough and needs a break.

The only person you are spiting here is your 90 yr old failing health mum, only you can tell us how that feels.

To add, although I’m surely it’s already been said, but does your mum eat tiny portions OP? Mine is starting to and she’s about 40 years younger. I agree with those saying you’ll be doing all the cooking and washing up anyway so it’s really not much to do an another small plate.

I am going home for Christmas again this year and I am always conscious of it potentially being a parent’s last. I’d definitely feel like this if my mum was your mum’s age.

Your brother sounds like a bit of a shit but take out your frustration on your mum. Oh god, I feel for her and I don’t even know her. (I realise there may be something important you haven’t told us here.)

the immense amount of laundry/cooking/cleaning over 4 day
How much extra is she causing? Is she incontinent so you're looking at daily full bedding and clothes? Does she have serious eating issues so needs all her own cooking? Is her EX DIL really going to be willing to have her?

Forget about what your brother “should” be doing and do what’s right by your mother!

Don't host or not host your mum because of your siblings do or say. Host her because she's your mum and you and your family have been fortunate to spend years of Christmasas with her.

Would it even be Christmas for your kids without Grandma? Unless there is something you're not telling us and you don't like having her; surely the driving and a bit of extra laundry is worth it?

Only you know how you will feel if its her last Christmas

You are the unappreciated child doing the thankless job for years.

She doesn't sound great if she has had such a clear favourite and likes to guilt and blame you.

I think you should have stopped years ago but clearly you are a people pleaser.

Head off on your holiday.

This happens with my IL's. Now it's just FIL. SIL has always decided what she'll do, with no thought for anyone else. She's the favourite so IL's have always waited for to see if there's a rare SIL invite before expecting us to drop everything to host.

This year SIL's decided she doesn't 'do' Christmas at all anymore (poor DN10, no gifts either!) and they will 'do' abroad holidays instead.

This leaves us as the default Xmas for FIL and his lady friend, with no thought to what we want or FIL. We're already going to my extended family (local) & DH expected me to drop everything & stay home. Well I'm not playing anymore. FIL & friend have been invited to come with (he knows my family who are very welcoming despite IL's poor behaviour to.me). FIL is baulking at going & I've put my foot down. So even DH understands FIL comes, or eats alone.

Antw, my point is, at some point you need to decide what's important. She might not have another Christmas. She might have 10. Next year book something well in advance & ensure both your DB & DM know the score.

If it were me, I would host as I know the guilt would consume me, regardless if it were her last Christmas or not. I would be making no bones with my brother about what a shit son and brother he is, even if mum herself doesn’t care to acknowledge this.

I would also be cutting the effort for mum right down - keep it bright and breezy as there’s no need to pander to her if she doesn’t even say thank you when lots of effort is made. And then organise something like a second Christmas with my own little family. I’m a firm believer that the main celebration doesn’t have to actually be on the 25th.

I'd host my mother, but I can see how frustrating it must be when one sibling can do no wrong... Still, at her age, it very well could be her last Christmas, so unless I'd already planned to be away, I'd have her over. And even if I had scheduled a holiday, I'd make an effort to give her a pleasant Christmas and see her before or after the actual day, but that's because my mother has made significant efforts for me over the years. If she hadn't bothered, I might not, either!

3 out of 4 of her children have zero interest in her, even her golden son.

Her daughter who does the unappreciated thankless job for years is guilted and blamed even when it is golden boy who again refuses to share the holiday.

The OP is entitled to a holiday with her family if she is going to be blamed anyway.

We used to have my very elderly paternal grandmother over at Christmas. I remember the last Christmas my other grandmother expressing how selfish it was of my dad because all the work fell on my mum-tbh she was a bit too old (probably early to mid-90s) and she did have at least one "accident" that my mother had to clean up-even though it wasn't her mother! I didn't realise all the work that was involved because I was just a kid. But I LOVED having her for Christmas (I was lucky she was even still alive since my parents were older parents) and I only got to see her a couple times a year as she had been moved to a care home near where my auntie lived.

I know it was quite a bit of work for my mum because she was just too old, but without knowing more about the specific health issues OPs mum now has we can't really know? I don't get why previous Christmases were so bad when she was in good health then? And no thank you? I'm sure she was very grateful every time, unless she is truly awful. Just do the right thing and make her feel welcome, Christmas is a PITA for most adults but that's what it's about!

For me, the more the merrier at Christmas. Christmas is for family. All family.

Unless there’s a massive backstory and your mother is/has been abusive then I wouldn’t host.

But, if you have a good relationship then host her. Have her at your house. It’s one day.

Only on Mumsnet do stuck up grown assed babies have “dilemmas” because they can’t bare one extra person to be in their house on Christmas Day. So fucking depressing to read.

As someone who has lost a number of people very suddenly over the past 3 years, it could be anyone's last Christmas.

Honestly? I can’t believe you would allow your 90 year old mother to spend Christmas alone because she’s too much work for 4 WHoLE days. Unless there’s a huge back story and she was a terrible neglectful mother then YABU. And yes your siblings are also being unreasonable but they aren’t the ones on here asking and that doesn’t mean you have to be as well. It’s u likely you’ll have this “problem” for many more christmases. Suck it up.

Yes, obviously anyone can die at any time. (Yay, life.) But that doesn't change the fact that if you have a loved one in their 80s or 90s, chances are significantly higher that they might not make it to next year. And you know that and make your decisions accordingly. It doesn't mean you have to sacrifice all your happiness or walk on eggshells, but I'd factor it into my decision, as would most people.

I assume your mother is very unpleasant as she has 4 children and not one of them actually want to see her at Christmas.

But, as you don't want to host then , YANBU not to do it. If it's her last Christmas then just console yourself with all the Christmases you did host her and the fact you'll never have to do it again.

I couldn't leave my 90-year-old DM on her own for what might be her last Christmas, just as a 'Fuck you' to my DB, however much of a dick he's been (and make no mistake, your DB is a massive dick).

It's not your DM's fault though that he's a dick or that she's 90 and on her own or that her other two DC are seemingly too selfish/incapable or whatever to have her over or entertain any family members for 40 years.

I know there are no medals for being the one who always steps up, but come on OP, you're better than the petty point-scorer you're pretending to be.

@christmasstollen - you don’t sound like you love your Mum. Have you thanked her for everything she did for you growing up? Or maybe she wasn’t a great Mum and that’s why you feel the way you do. I think there is more to this than you’ve mentioned.

The OP has done more than her fair share. This is not unreasonable, she looks after her mother for every Christmas for 4 days every year, and clearly needs a break.

It is more depressing that there are people on here are making this about themselves and calling people names i.e. "Stuck-up grown assed babies" while declaring that they "could never" leave someone alone for Christmas. But are not actually being compassionate to the OP.

She needs a break. What can she do?

Not sure I like the words you use.. Host. Responsibility... Your dm wants to spend Christmas with her ds.
Why is that such an issue?