Should I be contacting the police.

[InstantDestiny]

I am not asking for judgement firstly.

I have name changed but I am a LT poster.

I was dating this guy, it was casual and there were quite a few red flags which I stupidly ignored. He is kind of well known publicly, but has massive delusions of grandeur and very self important and possibly NPD. Not really that important publicly as he thinks he is.

I spent a few weekends at his, we had A LOT of sex, did coke and drank a lot. I paid for all my fuel to get there, took alcohol every time and gave him cash for anything else we got.

The third time I stayed there (by this point I had massive reservations) in the morning he woke up and accused me of attempting to rape him. I remember everything that happened and that did not happen. We had a lot of sex and at the end of the night he was tired and not into it. We went to sleep.

He told me to leave or he was going to call
the police, it was 8am, he was still drinking alcohol, I was worried about driving but wanted to get out of there, so left.

Since then he has sent me voice notes calling me a criminal, a rapist, a monster, an abuser.

He said I hadn’t paid my way, which I had, and that he was going to report me to my place of work (children’s services) and report me to the police because I hadn’t paid him, called me a cunt, not even a human, just really vile stuff.

I sent him more money as I panicked and was really upset and said if I haven’t paid my way I am sorry but he just kept calling me a rapist.

Now I have sent the money he’s gone quiet, but I am so shaken and upset. I don’t know whether to just mark it down to shite judgment on my part and move on or should I call the police as it’s blackmail, and I didn’t do anything untoward to him.

Oooh you’re back op!

how the heck did you cope on Monday (and Tuesday and Wednesday) following these 3 drug and alcohol binge fuelled weekends being the wrong side of 40?!!

They weren’t in a row, it was over the last couple of months, and somehow I have survived.

There has been a lot of guessing, presumption and speculation on this thread, which isn’t really helpful to the actual point of it.

My age is irrelevant.

It’s relevant op

you are at least mid forties with children albeit young adults.

It indicates a recklessness that must of us outgrow by, well the age of your children.

Added to which, it indicates a very lonely and unhappy Middle aged woman spending her weekends in a drug fuelled state with a man she doesn’t really like.

There has been a lot of guessing, presumption and speculation on this thread, which isn’t really helpful to the actual point of it.

so what is the “actual point”?

The Pp mentioning they’d read this from a couple of months back…. Was so right!

The point of it is in the title.

So… you’ve got loads of advice and yet you keep coming back dripping little nuggets of information

Now I have sent the money he’s gone quiet

for instance in the op you mention nothing about this having happened a few times or you paying him but instead gave impression it was a one off

Not sure what your issue is here actually.

I came here asking for advice because I was scared and worried.

You, for some reason are hell bent on picking a strangers life apart online, which to me would suggest you are sad and lonely.

I have seen this guy a few times over the course of a few months. This is because my other weekends are taken up with family, friends and my children.

Lots of people have guilty pleasures, like risk taking, quite often those people are in high pressure, responsible positions.

I haven’t answered your questions because I, for obvious reasons, do not want to out myself, and your questions in particular are irrelevant and seem to be to attack me, I have no idea why 🤷‍♀️.

Ok Op sure

totally normal for someone middle aged, working in children’s services, and having done so for the last 20 years, with children…. To get completely off the face on drugs and booze with basically a stranger. Totally normal.

Let me guess op

You have told no one in RL this? Despite it being totally normal. You either don’t have a very close friend you confide in, or you do - but you can’t bring yourself to open up about this. Despite it being totally normal

Have you managed to speak to police destiny?

What questions would out you?

All I have said is that any woman behaving like this at least in their mid forties, with children - must be unhappy and lonely. And so I suppose - that should be taken in to account in responses.

but given you seem determined to stress how normal this is….

Yes I have 👍🏻

I didn't get the impression that op was normalising this behaviour, and I'd say this incident has been pretty shocking for her , and has brought home the risks involved.

She also hasn't implied that she is a regular user of cocaine or regular heavy drinker , I read it more that she went along with the behaviour of the man she was with without realising the risks. He maybe didn't come across as so unhinged on dates 1 and 2 ?

Good op, I hope they've been helpful. Pm me if you want , but let me know as I'm using the app so would need to log into the main page .

You’ve told people in RL? And what have they said?

Thanks I will do, I did earlier actually 👍🏻

I'll log in ,

Sometimes the DM reporters/readers really out themselves here.

Well if this was In one of the rags… I would definitely read. I find articles like this very cathartic!

@InstantDestiny - I know. You said earlier. I was responding to another poster who mentioned it.

How are things today? Have you had more contact from him?

When I dealt with rape allegations, the police response would vary depending on what lines of enquiry were available. I'm going to briefly outline some as you may find it helpful (hopefully not scary). There is similar all over the internet.

Firstly, victim wishes count. These can be overruled in certain circumstances where it's considered in the public's best interests or the victim's. In reality, proceeding with a case if the victim doesn't support it is often doomed because the victim's account is the main source of evidence. However, it will still be recorded.

Forensics are important. They have a lifespan in terms of collecting DNA from a victim, although it can also be obtained from condoms, clothing and bedsheets for far longer as you'll know from the TV. The male would have to consent to providing samples or items from his home. Police do not ordinarily seize victims belongings without their consent or justification to override. The longer the time between the event and collection of the samples, the more compromised they become. Do you think this male would be likely to have DNA and a penile swab taken or willingly invite the police into his home to collect sheets, etc? I'm thinking not if he's a habitual drug user and his intention is only to blackmail you. However, if he did, as you are not living at this male's address, you'd need to explain why your forensic trace was there. This is easily explainable because you went there to drink/do drugs/talk/eat, after which you believe you had consensual sex. The issue then becomes about consent at the time of the sexual act to which there are no witnesses. If the police do not have any forensic samples, there is no value in them seizing any from you as they'd have nothing to compare it to. This removes one of the reasons for arrest.

Other common lines of enquiry are electronic devices. Again, police do not seize victim phones against their wishes and I do not see this male being willing to hand his over. However, police often ask victims to send screenshots or downloads of chats and will always ask if there has been communication between the parties post the incident. Again, I don't see this male being willing to do this as he is committing an offence of blackmail and also clearly selling you drugs in those messages. The police have less reason to seize a suspect's phone if there's no communication although often they still do in case the suspect has filmed it or communicated with others. Locating and seizing devices is also a justification for arrest. However, arresting someone only to seize devices has to be justified as part of an overall arrest strategy as there are potentially alternatives if there are no other necessities for arrest available.

If this man does anything I think it will be to send you increasingly threatening and nasty messages to scare you into paying more. He may, if he's spiteful, then make a report about you either to police or to your employer. I think it's unlikely but he might. He might also say he has (without actually doing it) just to make you worry yourself sick about it for a few weeks. I saw many cases like that in my career. The intention is to extort money first, cause pain second. However, the cost/benefit ratio is tipped when doing either results in blowback on the offender. If this man did report you he'd probably do so anonymously so as to avoid too much scrutiny of his own actions/lifestyle. If he does that it will be too vague to give the police anything to investigate further. An intelligence report may be made but if the source is anonymous and there's no corroborating information I'd think it unlikely that it would be shared. If he tells your employer I don't know what the process is, but again if it's anonymous and there's no corroboration I can't see they could do much. Depending on what mention is made of drugs it could result in some very awkward conversations for you though.

Hope that helps.

Thank you so much for all the constructive and supportive comments.

@InstantDestiny sorry I do have one other question. You said you sent him £220 for your share of things? How is that amount possible, you can’t consume £220 of alcohol in a weekend and I have no idea what drugs cost but it surely can’t be that much or people wouldn’t be able to afford to take them in the first place. He’s just stolen money with blackmail hasn’t he? You could never conceivably have owed him that. Tell the police, seriously. Tell them.